My Rockstar Demands

I just read the list of demands that Lady Gaga makes when she's on tour. You know, the items that she requests to be in her dressing room when she performs.

It got me thinking. When does this happen? Right now when I go somewhere I'm thrilled if I'm offered a glass of water. At what point is the water not enough and you start saying, "Is this Pellegrino? It feels like it's room temperature. I like my Pellegrino chilled to 55 degrees and served in a crystal goblet."

If I suddenly became a Youtube sensation/rock star over night what would I demand?

Would I keep it real or would I go crazy? Probably a bit of both. The fame would go straight to my head.

Gaga wants white leather couches and fan art on the walls along with lavender, white and yellow flowers ONLY in the room.

I'm not a fan of leather, it's always cold and when I'm sweaty I stick to it. I'll be sweaty since I'm performing my hit single so I'd better stay away from leather. I've also never owned a white couch in my life. The idea of it gives me palpitations. Have you seen what a Sharpie and a child can do to a white couch?

I'm more of a cozy sectional kind of girl with a big ottoman to put my feet up on. I'd prefer a neutral color that can cover stains and slip covers for easy washing. I will require all mirrors to circus mirrors that make me look tall and thin. 

As for flowers. Eh. I can take them or leave them. I'd rather have a fruit - or better yet, a cookie - bouquet that you can eat.

The pictures on the walls should be a combination of inspirational kitties ("Hang in there!") and Grumpy Cat ("Break a leg! Seriously.").

The food. I'd go on tour just so I could make insane food demands. 

Gaga has asked for "whole-wheat bread, low-sugar peanut butter with flax seed, bran flake cereal, fruit, hummus, and homemade guacamole. A 24-hour hotel kitchen access request was put in for her own personal chef."

I'd want ONLY blue M&Ms in a clear bowl, New York style pizza - always hot, because you never know when my entourage or I will want a slice, green apples (red apples will be smashed on the floor), creamy peanut butter, Haribo Gummi Bears (because all other brands suck), Raisin Bran with extra raisins, breakfast tea, and access to a crockpot just in case my crew decides to whip up some Rotel cheese dip.

Now that I think about it, my list of demands is less Gaga and more Roseanne. 

What about you? What would your rockstar demands look like?

Please don't make me turn to singing to pay my bills - no one will like that. Vote for me at Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest.


Amy Harrison said...

*Mixture of Haribo Coke bottles and twin cherries.
*Sweet tea and hot tea, already prepared and always ready.
*Girl Scout Cookies: lemonades and shortbread
*Ro-tel velveeta sauce and tortilla chips
*Huge variety of cheese
*New toys for my cat
*Recliner and my mom's blanket (clean and smelling pretty).

SnarkfestBlog said...

I'd want a chocolate mousse sculpture of Mickey Mouse, George Clooney in my hotel room and someone to scratch my back or rub Warm Vanilla Sugar body lotion on my feet at my beck and call.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 said...

There is nothing worse than opening a pizza box, giddy with anticipation, and being crushed by the ugly reality of a Greek-style pizza inside... Well, maybe cancer. I suppose cancer is worse.

debrah said...

I must have a hot soak every night so a claw foot bath tub (new) must be installed with Laura Mercier Coconut bubble bath. MUST BE HOT WATER OR I WILL FLIP. I like cranberry/Pom Juice chilled with ice in a large plastic glass. Candles. Many candles. I want Greek Pizza. I am Greek, after all, and Greeks invented Pizza. A new pair of Ugg Slippers must be in my dressing room in either brown or black. Finally some snowcaps (the kind they sell at the movies..the small ones.) and fresh pineapple flown in from Hawaii. Baileys on the rocks before I hit the stage. That'll do.

Ann E. Bryant said...

I'd start with Lucky Charms that have all the cereal part picked out so it is just marshmallows. Diet Cokes highly carbonated over ice with fresh lime slices would be good with endless restaurant style chips and fresh chunky salsa. A buffet of Italian and Mexican food too, and rum cocktails with little umbrellas. However, I would happily settle for a few uninterrupted hours to read what ever book I wanted and take a nap.

Maple Syrup Land said...

A large platter of bacon (cooked crispy)
Cake (at least 6 varieties)
A platter of smelly cheese
Veggie platter (just for show because if I'm famous I'd have to at least pretend I'm concerned about my weight and cholesterol levels)
Wine (to go with the smelly cheese)
A surly leprechaun to entertain me and my entourage

Anonymous said...

I'd like a LARGE platter of crisp bacon & sausage, cheese dip with Fritos, Diet Pepsi with lime & a cardiac specialist!!

handmade_mama said...

I'd like to be left alone so at least I could get some work done before my show. And cold, regular Coke, brownies, and Reese's peanut butter ______ (whatever seasonally appropriate shape is available at the time). And no fluorescent lighting.

So, that's quiet, Coke, brownies & Reese's products under soft lighting.

I'm not difficult to please.

Kayla said...

I can't imagine being so high maintenance. I'd bring my own damn Trader Joe's peanut butter for the whole wheat bagels that I'd also bring. I'd ask if they could bring me a plate and knife, but I'd probably apologize profusely for bothering them, and thank them effusively afterward.

Do people become outrageous divas because they are rich and famous, or are they rich and famous because they are an outrageous diva? Discuss.

MOV said...

What are my Rock Star demands? Seriously, I think this is a dream assignment for me.

Okay, my main demand is that my dressing room be in a museum, mostly because I really love art and also hopefully because they would not allow my noisy children in there. Mmmmm. A happy quiet place. With a gift shop. If that demand did not work out, I could totally see demanding that my dressing room be in a library (also quiet, plus lots of books that I might not have read yet).

I am totally onboard with forgoing the flowers in lieu of food-- specifically chocolate. Good chocolate, expensive chocolate. Or they could just fly in a fabulouse gourmet baker to keep me happy.

Well, gotta go practice the drums and the, uh, violin or something so I can be a Rock Star and have some demands!

PS-- LOVE your writing style!!!!!!

Sue said...

I'd have to have an entire floor to myself with access to all of the rooms, and a Segway so I wouldn't have to bother walking from one room to the next. A Bowflex treadclimber for when I do feel like walking. A kitten. PG Tips & Lady Grey tea. Ghirardelli Dark & Sea Salt Caramel squares. I'll take that lion's foot tub mentioned earlier and Crabtree & Evelyn's Rosewater toiletries. Roses, peonies and ranunculous in every room. I'll be generous and let them choose the colors.

Amy said...

Yes! I live in Central MA. When I lived just outside Boston, we could find decent New York style pizza. Out here, it is all Greek except for the PapaGinos. I don't know what is wrong with people around here, liking this nasty-ass pizza with a greasy crust.

RachRiot said...

Damn. I'll just hang out in your room.

Unknown said...

Amy - I moved back to the Boston area for just the exact same reason. Well.. that and a better social scene, (Northampton is nice and all but Diva's gets old after awhile!) Honestly though, Greek pizza is just gross.

RachRiot said...

I haven't really given this much thought (I mean since yesterday, so..) but I guess I might want:

-Dark chocolate with WHOLE almonds (not pieces)
-Grey Goose Vodka with crushed ice and blue cheese olives
-White and pink hydrangeas (never blue or somebody gets shanked)
-Unlimited bowls of fettuccini alfredo fed to me until I pass out in a carb coma in my bed...
-A soundproof white room with blackout curtains and bedding made of baby alpaca.
-I will sleep until showtime and want only to be awoken with butterfly kisses, administered by my personal assistant, a shirtless Mario Lopez.

menopausal mama said...

An endless supply of Godiva chocolates. 'Nuff said.

KarenS said...

Add a roll of fried breakfast sausage to that Ro-tel and Velveeta mix...then thank me LOL

KarenS said...

Oh, and some diced green pepper!!!
(I make this ALL the time!!)

Samantha said...

A fruit platter with watermelon, and them other melons that I can't remember the name of and since I am Canadian an endless supply of freshly brewed Tim Horton's coffee with just the right amount of sugar and cream. Oh and a hot tub (since the car accident on Friday) my back and neck would thank you profusely.

Melissa Kirchhoff said...

Hookers and Blow.

Unknown said...

Mine would have to be unlimited blueberry goat cheese and crackers (for real, it's like eating blueberry cheese cake on a cracker) and diet Pepsi with rye. And a strong sexy man to roll me out of the door.

Hip-Baby Mama said...

Haribo gummy bears are the only kind, to me.
I worked for a casino and I saw a lot of performers' riders. The most consistently strange thing on them was black towels. I always wondered why? Do they even make black towels?

me said...

Always freshly brewed Tim Horton's coffee.
Gluten free muffins and cupcakes flown in fresh from Babycakes
Assorted fresh fruit
Someone to give me a massage whenever I wince from back/shoulder/hip pain. (AKA Ryan Gossling)
A quiet room with the sound and smell of the ocean. It MUST be real ocean breeze, not from a bottle. A section of the room must be set up like a beach with sand from my favorite beach in Maui, my exact favorite chair and my own suntan lotion applicator man. (AKA Ryan Gossling)
Oh yah, and Ryan Gossling.

Kp said...

I remember reading an article a long time back that asked about why artists have such ridiculous riders. The response was pretty simple actually: It's like extra publicity.

Gaga is getting a bunch of attention and doens't have new music out just because she wrote "white leather couches" on a contract. Any event organizer can reject pieces of the rider they're uncomfortable with or incapable of fulfilling, but it gets her press!

Also I would totally put puppies on my rider. Not so much to keep (my husband would kill me) but just like, local pound puppies that could use some snuggles and socialization for the day.

Unknown said...

Assorted cheese platter (cubed cheeses only, no slices) with Onion harvest crackers
Assorted yellow tail wines, perfectly chilled
Endless glasses of ice, the good cubes of ice not the big chunky ones or those little melt-instantly pebbles
Lemonheads, cherry sours, black blue yellow and green warheads, giant chewy sweettarts
red velvet cupcakes (tops only) with a variety of homemade buttercream icing, homemade white chocolate icing, and duncan hines whipped white icing
red velvet cookies with white chocolate drizzle
white chocolate covered strawberries
freshly laundered bedding for both of my dogs and cat, and a pet sitter to keep them groomed and played with and loved on at all time and to cook them fresh chicken breast for each meal.
yogurt covered pretzels, raisins, and anything else that goes with that candy-yogurt topping
fountain drink machine with dr. pepper with vanilla flavoring
voss bottled water uber-cold
a portable art "studio" and play area for my daughter
a "naughty pole" for when it's just me and the hubs getting our sexy on!!!

Gina Jacobs Thomas said...

A never-ending fountain of Dunkin' Donuts French Vanilla (served NYC style with a crapload of cream and sugar), flooring made out of that soft chamois my kids sleep on, ice cubes shaped like Hello Kitty, and a fine mist of Eau D'Movie Theater Popcorn sprayed before I enter.

Kim Bongiorno at Let Me Start By Saying said...

I want everything in my rooms to be a deep brown and tufted, and bottles of room-temperature Dasani water on every surface, and both black raspberry and cherry Blow-Pops in glass mugs on low tables.
That's all.

Janine Huldie said...

Sad, but I have probably been a mother too long that I was sitting here trying to think way too hard for what I would want on this one. I am so used coming in dead last nowadays, that I am not sure what the hell I would do if I ever had the chance to make these kind of demands!!

Unknown said...

I love it. A crockpot in case my entourage wants to whip up rotel. Priceless!

TNMom said...

A bed, soft pillow and a box fan. I am sleeping yo! Get the F out! Oh and cake and wine. I'm pretty easy! <3 Devan

So did I tell you about... said...

Sue, you had me at Segway.

So did I tell you about... said...

Marshmallow Fluff vodka and diet coke, extra carbonated, with that clear ice...not the cloudy, yucky ice
Cougar Gold Cheese (WSU) and No Woman Cheese (Beechers)
Anything salty (except sperm or anchovies...yuck)
Pedicurist, round the clock
Masseuse (hot, think Jason Statham)
Someone to play with my hair, for as long as I want, whenever I want
Crumb Together Maple Bacon Cookies and Salted Chocolate Cookies
That is all

Bxgirlinohio said...

i see ur friends with charlie sheen.

Amy Harrison said...

I thought ro-tel has green pepper?

Amy Harrison said...

False. The worst pizza gets even worse when a circle pizza is cut into squares/ triangles.

Amy Harrison said...

How did I forget about BACON??? I must be slowly going insane. Damn this diet.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fata Morgana said...

I love that you also adore Ro-tel dip w/ Velveeta (my Louisiana husband's only demand most likely).

As for me-

-- espresso bar with barista who makes latte art out of real art (god help you if it does not resemble a Renoir!)
-- group of "yes men"
-- group of "brutally honest men"
-- pudding pit the aforementioned men can fight in to prove how fabulous I am
-- a single plum, floating in perfume, in a Downton Abbey bowler hat. To up the classy.

Jenna said...

I'm not sure how crazy I could get.

Hmm...a pot of coffee (half-caf only!) always ready.
a tray of vegetables and some hummus (preferably sabra, but no red peppers)
A comfortable couch
A massage therapist ready to go whenever I start hurting. Must be highly skilled, male, and reasonably attractive
A pastor on hand to get me back on track after I break down and cuss everyone out.

Sadly, I can think of nothing else.

Unknown said...

Swedish Fish and Tina Fey. If I was hungry right now, my list would be much longer. PS Tina Fey is not for eating.

I'm Moving!

Welp, after 11 years on Blogger, I think it's time to make a change. I'm moving to Substack. Blogger has been a great fit for me ove...

Popular Posts