People I Want to Punch in the Throat: 2013 - The Year in Review

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2013 - The Year in Review

For all of the new people who have joined me this year - welcome! In case you've missed some of the hits of 2013 here they are in one easy to read spot:

PIWTPITT's Official Elf on the Shelf Calendar - I decided to try and help the underachievers be better at the Elf on the Shelf antics this year. You won't find any messes or pantie raids on this calendar (what is the deal with the overachiever's obsession with elves and underwear??), but you will find easy to follow steps and even a couple of breaks.

Dinovember: Stop the Madness - This was just more overachieving mess-making magic nonsense, only it was hipster style this time.

Abercrombie & Fitch - The CEO of Abercrombie looks like Gary Busey's uglier brother and he had the audacity to tell consumers that Abercrombie is only for hot people.

Lululemon's Yoga Pants Aren't the Problem - You Are - This was a banner year for CEO douchebags. This guy told women that his yoga pants weren't the problem - their fat asses were. 

I am the World's Okayest Mom - I'm OK and you're OK and that's OK.

8 Ways to Say F*ck You - The most passive aggressive ways to tell someone to take a hike.

Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You - See if you can follow along on this one. There is a private message board out there where I lurk and never comment UNTIL I saw some pearl clutchers speaking ill of me and then I commented - only I did it on the blog and caused some fireworks and got myself fired from a speaking engagement.

Honestly, the Honest Company is Getting on My Nerves - The Honest Company went after my friend The Honest Toddler and tried to block her trademark application because they were afraid people might be confused. What's so confusing? One is a company that sells overpriced shit no one needs and the other is a hilarious blogger. Spoiler alert: Honest Toddler kicked some Honest ass.

Is Nuts Better Than Balls? - Gomer is growing up way too fast. First he wouldn't kiss me goodbye on the first day of school and then he started talking about his "nuts" and I don't mean the mixed kind.

Kimye Had a Baby and Lost Their Minds - Kimye has been so good to me this year. They're like the gift that just keeps giving. I think 2014 will be a great year for them.

Why My Children Have No Right to Privacy - Whoa. People feel very strongly about this one. I haven't seen this kind of hate mail since I wrote about dog parents. Adolpha got a Password Journal for Christmas. Guess who knows her password? 

Maria Kang - This chick just won't stop. I just read yesterday she's coming out with a calendar for 2014. Of course she is. Her husband even had the nerve to comment on this post that THIS is the most popular piece I've ever written and I should kiss his wife's toned ass in gratitude (I think the Elf on the Shelf and his little felt ass was there first, not to mention countless other more popular posts, don't flatter yourself). All I can say to Maria and her husband is, "Namaste." 

I also made some resolutions last year and I wanted to see how I did:

1. Get more Twitter followers. I grew on Twitter. I beefed up my numbers with a bunch of bots and adult actresses who are following me now. I even made one of those "Funniest Tweets of the Week"- type lists. Just once. And it was a tweet the Hubs actually crafted. 

2. Say I love you more. I tried harder this year with this one. I'm not sure my mom and the Hubs could hear it enough though, so it is probably a fail in their minds.

3. Sell more books. This one was a success. Thanks for your help! I love you.

4. Hang up my coat and/or drink more water. It went just like I predicted. My coat is on the floor of the living room, but I'm carrying my water bottle around a little more. I'm too busy peeing all the time from that excess water that I don't have time to hang up my coat. Maybe if I put a hook in the bathroom for it ...

5. Write more (in advance). I'm laughing at this so hard, because as I write this, my deadline was 20 minutes ago.

6. Publish two books. Fail. I only got one done.

7. Read more. I kicked so much ass at this one. I read so much that I really couldn't do much else like hang up my coat or write in advance or publish another book. Reading just makes me so happy. I love you, reading.

8. Clean my house for 10 minutes a day. I really made this a resolution? Was I high? Oh wait! I cleaned my pantry and it's STILL clean and organized. Pass!

9. Get my hair cut by a real professional. I did this every now and again. It does make a huge difference and the money I'm saving from not having to buy new hats to cover bad hairdos can go to cover the cost of the pro.

10. Keep working with Kris at Staring Line Fitness. Yeah. This didn't happen. She moved further away and I wasn't willing to drive so far and I got busy and couldn't make the two hours a day (with drive time) it was going to take to work out there. Yeah, yeah, I made up excuses and Maria Kang is laughing at me right now. The Hubs and I did continue our workouts at home. They're not as effective as working with Kris though. (Kind of like the discount haircut vs. the expensive haircut.)

11. And one last one . . . 


Hahahahahaha. As fucking if. Fucking fail.

Looks like not even a 50% success rate. I think my resolution for 2014 is to NOT make anymore resolutions. 

Happy New Year!

8 comments:

Domestic Diva said...

Haha! Love the last one! Yeah fucking right!

Teri Biebel said...

Fucking awesome.

Big City Mom said...

I'd take a 50% resolution success rate, but I think I might just join you on the no resolutions route this year - 100% success and 2014 hasn't even started yet.

Kim Bongiorno at Let Me Start By Saying said...

Happy New Year, my dear!! I bet 2014 is going to be bodacious for you.

Kathy Glow said...

Happy new year, Jen. Can't wait to see you dominate the world!

RachRiot said...

Don't ever fucking change. I love you.

Jenna Moore said...

Have you checked out the new "one word" resolution trend? I like it. I picked "Intention" as my word. At the end of year, that can mean whatever I intend it to mean. Automatic pass!

The Rockin Robyn's Nest said...

you were my favorite find of 2013!