Kristen Stewart

Kristen, Kristen, Kristen.  What can I say?  I've never been a fan of Kristen Stewart.  I've always thought she was a terrible actress who really only has one skill (squinting eyes and stuttering a bit and looking like she could suck the chrome off a bumper).  When she first came to my attention she had been cast as Bella Swan.  A terrible choice in my opinion. K-Stew was nothing like I imagined Bella.  When I watched the first Twilight movie I alternated between groaning in pain and laughing at the terrible acting, I mean squinting.  That is when I could take my eyes off the terrible make up job (am I the only who was bothered by how pink all the vampires were below the chin line??).

Now Kristen is all over the news because she cheated on Robert Pattinson and I'm ready to give you my opinion on their private lives:

1.  I realize Kristen is young and young people do stupid stuff and we shouldn't judge her and she we should let them all get through this privately and blah, blah, blah, but this is what happens when you decide you want to be a movie star.  When you're a movie star your private life is no longer private.

2.  I'm not sure I'm buying that Kristen cheated on anyone.  Let me explain.  I've always thought "Robsten" was a little too easy.  Let's face it, there are Twilight blow dryers out there.  This is a huge franchise about true, deep and once in (an eternal) lifetime love aimed squarely at young, impressionable teenage girls (and their mothers) and their wallets.  


How quaint is it that the stars just happened to hook up and fall madly in love?  I've never really bought it.  (Especially since at every photo op K-Stew rarely looks madly in love and almost always looks like she has something shoved up her ass.)  Maybe this "relationship" was carefully orchestrated by studios and agents and anyone else looking to make Twilight money.  Maybe both Rob and K-Stew have been having flings on the side when they're not on the red carpet and K-Stew just made the mistake of getting caught.


3.  To bolster my theory that the "Robsten" is fabricated, check out Kristen's apology.  I think Stephenie Meyer wrote it.  When have you ever seen Kristen say anything even remotely that emotional?  I think the studio and her agent sat her down and said, "We've got spin control working on this right now.  You are the highest paid actress in Hollywood right now.  I just bought a Ferrari.  This shit can NOT be happening.  We've got to fix this.  Stephenie just emailed us the apology we think you should go with:  My darling Rob, you are my sun and my moon. You are my one true North and I am so very sorry for hurting you. You are the last person on the planet I would ever want to injure.  You are my soul mate.  Please, Rob, forgive me.  I am lost without your love.  You are my Edward and I am your Bella."


A studio exec added, "And to my Twilight fans, remember, Bella always stayed pure and true to Edward and you can see that on the big screen this fall, see our website for details and where you can purchase your own commemorative wedding invitation."  


At that point I think K-Stew's agent threw up.  They did some quick edits and came up with what she released to People magazine:


"I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry." 

Still, quite a bit of emotion for that girl, don't you think?

4.  I am actually more disgusted with the director, Rupert Sanders.  (BTW, can you imagine saying, "Oooh, Rupert, yes, that feels good"???  Ick.)  I'm always irritated when married men cheat.  I'm also always irritated when OLD married men cheat with YOUNG women.  It's so fucking cliched.  Rupert has a lot more to lose than Kristen.  He has a wife of several years and a couple of kids.  You don't throw that shit away for a romp with a sour puss with a tight ass.

5.  I think it's funny that ANYONE thinks this dalliance will affect the upcoming Breaking Dawn movie.  Please, I am the perfect example.  I despise K-Stew and Rob in their roles.  They are nothing like I ever imagined Bella and Edward to be.  However, that has not stopped me from shelling out money repeatedly to go and watch them squint at one another.  The young fans will get over it by November and if anything they will just love Rob more since he's hurt now.

6.  I have read reports that Rob does not bathe as often as one might and he tends to smell.  If this is true, then I think Kristen does not get any blame for messing around.  That shit is uncalled for.




55 comments:

Jenn said...

hahahah, I love your take on it. I wrote about this on my blog today, too, and have very similar feelings about the situation. Well said! :)
[email protected] Going the Distance

BakingSuit said...

I've thought from the get go that he was gay and she's a robot. Ok, maybe she's not a robot. I'm with you though that this is a studio sham and when Robert is quoted as saying something about her doing things for him that no one else has, clearly, he means she doesn't mind his pool boy side action.

Kyla said...

Awesome! BTW, her personal hygiene is also awful.

L Carilo said...

All I have to say to this is... you have two #3s. (or, maybe it's just an alternate #3? I have zero attention span when it comes to these types of topics.) Love you Jen!

The Real Cie said...

Mostly I want to punch the married guy in the throat for cheating on his wife. I'm not saying that Kristen is innocent, after all, it does take two. But Rupert is at the top of my list for throat punching in this instance.

Jen Small said...

the movies were so horrible it was funny. (netflix btw. no way would i pay movie theater price for that)
i really liked the books but i totally agree. awful squinty stuff...

thanks for the laugh

Cynthia said...

Exactly - we all do dumb shit when we're in our 20s. While I do not condone cheating or sleeping with someone else's husband - HE'S the one who's married and RPattz looks like you could get a communicable disease from just being in the same room with him.

mhoffmann said...

I agree with point 2! I never believed they were a couple. I always felt their relationship was the studios cashing in on teen girls and a fairytale romance! I wrote a novel called My Life With The Movie Star about a young Hollywood actor forced to "look like" he was dating his co-star while his true love was a normal girl from the Midwest.

Anonymous said...

Uhmmm....who's Kristen Stewart?

Kayla Arnolts said...

jen, love this one! i've been wanting to write a post forever about why i like kristen even though she's so hard to like. i also want to write a post about how i'm madly in love with rob, except i'm married and my husband reads my column and it could get awkward at home... anyway, you called out my #1 complaint with this whole thing: this is so not the k.stew way. she spends YEARS pointedly not talking about her relationship then comes out and apologizes directly to the guy who she won't acknowledge is her boyfriend??? i fully expect her to head on out to rehab in 3... 2... 1... for real, she MUST have been on something. she can't even fart in public without it being heavily documented. how she ever thought these pap pics wouldn't blow up, i'll never know.

Yddy said...

You have said everything that I've been thinking, especially that very cheesy apology.

Anonymous said...

"You don't throw that shit away for a romp with a sour puss with a tight ass."

Freaking. Awesome.

Anonymous said...

I've never believed their romance, either! Ha!

Desiree said...

Thank you thank you thank you. I have never seen either Kristin or Rob as Bella and Edward. So fricking disappointed that they couldn't find someone...anyone better to play those roles, but I shell out money to watch it anyhow! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Kristen Stewart School of Acting, Lesson 1:
Act like you have a migraine and use your quiet, migraine voice while rehearsing your lines. Ready? And . . . . ACTION!

Anonymous said...

"I despise K-Stew and Rob in their roles. They are nothing like I ever imagined Bella and Edward to be. However, that has not stopped me from shelling out money repeatedly to go and watch them squint at one another."

EXACTLY my thoughts! Her voice bugged me from the moment the first movie started. But of course, I see (and buy) all of them.

Kristy said...

What is it with sexy male stars not washing/smelling good. I've heard Matthew McConaughey is a stink bug....no body wash, no deodorant, no cologne...just man-stink....and the actresses find it hard to do love scenes b/c he smells so bad. Since hearing that Matt has lost all sexiness in my book. Smelling bad is inexcusable in this day in age. Blech!

Andrea (ace1028) said...

I don't like either of them, or the Twilight enterprise, but your post was some funny sh!t. ;) hehheh.

Maria37 said...

I'd like to punch anyone in the throat who gives a rats ass about any of this.

Anonymous said...

Robert Pattinson for President!

Kristin said...

I totally think you should've done a Rupert punch instead. We all already wanna punch Kristen!

padore said...

You always make my day so much better! LOL

NotesFromAbroad said...

I am so right there with you on this. I find this dead eyed mouth breathing couple of people to be beyond boring.
I blame the director , he is the older , married man, he should know better, he should avoid becoming such a tired cliche of a cheating man. Someone just punch him for me, thank you.
I thought Snow White stunk because of her. I just don't get it.
Maybe I have high expectations, like maybe an actor who gets paid millions can actually act... silly me.
love you. C

Anonymous said...

I completely agree with you on all points. I never thought that they were actually a couple either. I will still most definitely be going to see the movie. It will have been a year since the last one!

Anonymous said...

I'd like to punch myself in the throat for getting caught up in the Twilight madness. I don't care at all about their personal lives, but I have become the dreaded Twi-Mom, loving the books and movies. Jesus, Joseph and Mary. Never pegged myself for being a fan. WTH....

Anonymous said...

Ah, #5... yes, the squinting. And don't forget the slurpy sounding kisses. Seriously, there is never any background noise or music play during the on-screen kisses and it's like they amplified the slurp. They sound so icky-wet (as opposed to sexy-wet) I keep expecting to see a spit string connecting them when they pull away.

As a closet Twi-mom (thanks to fan fiction... the books were crap and there are people who can write the characters way better than Stephanie Meyer), I had my doubts about the whole relationship. But then again, when you spend as much time as they have together filming those 5 craptastic movies, I guess it's possible for some kind of spark to ignite... or for reality to seriously blur (news flash Rob and Kristen... Twilight is not real!) Whatever, I'll say like you. If he's a big ole stinky grub, can you blame her?

Steph said...

I cannot!!! agree with you more!! They are the worst two people to have been cast in those roles, they are nothing like the characters you picture in the books, and their relationship has always seemed "forced". Of course I have watched all the movies, but I cringe during every scene. If any movie needs a re-make it's that one.

Anonymous said...

I confess I've never read Twilight (never will, vampires aren't my thing) nor seen the movies but there is something about RP that makes my skin crawl. Even that picture of him at the top of your post? He's looking at me! I have to look away immediately - the same reaction I have when I see a photo of a spider. It's irrational of me, and so shallow I hate myself for it. Maybe he's the nicest guy ever ... but oh, my God, I can't look at that picture or any others in which he's staring at the camera. Oh, and married guy with cute little kids fooling around with the starlet? You're trash.

Shelley in So. IL said...

I read the books. I had to read them all to see how it ended, but I shouldn't have. They are really really bad. I don't think Stephenie Meyer is all that bad a writer, because I loved The Host, but someone must have had a hard on for vampires when they green lighted that book.

I refuse to pay anything to see the movies so I have seen the first installment on TNT or something. I will wait for the others to turn up there or someplace I am already paying. No way am I renting or worse, paying the movie theater prices. I have a little dignity.

And Rob is gay and stinky? Yeah. That kills it for me. Too bad he had to die in Harry Potter.

Katie and Matt said...

Here is my headline for this story:
WHO CARES??
A celebrity cheated on her boyfriend?...Gasp! No Way! Did anyone reallllly think that those two were going to be together forever?? Have you seen the YouTube rants about this topic? It is unbelievable. It's like they know them personally and it is affecting their everyday life...What the fa??!!

Silver Street said...

I'm with most others. Who the hell cares? She sucks as an actress and I don't understand the hype.

But I'm not a Twi-hard either.

unplannedAdulthood said...

I despise Twilight and everything it stands for. The only time I watch anything remotely related to it is when Pattinson (who I really do think is a total d-bag) is in an interview about it because he shows such contempt for it AND Stewart.

If they are actually dating (at all), I'll eat vegan for a week.

Cat York said...

#6 is priceless. Thanks for the whoop out loud. hahaha

Jacqueline Miller said...

Maybe that's why they squint so much...they both stink to high Heaven! Ick. That shit is gross.

Anna said...

Isn't he from England?

Beverly said...

The books were so horrid that they don't print enough money or distill enough alcohol to make me sit through one of the movies. The trailers make me squirm. Ick.

daye1967 said...

Maybe the PR folks realized the faux-mance wasn't working its magic to get the movies and "actors" the exposure desired so they manufactured the 'cheat' to put their clients back above the fold? (Or maybe K-Stew just tired of the faux-mance with Rob - who I believe is gay - and her first shot at action was dallying with a middle-aged married guy.) Sympathy going out to the wife and children.

lorihokie said...

lol, yes. so unless the "Demolition Man Prophecy" comes true, he can't be POTUS.

Kristi Lynne said...

I hate to say this, but your fake apology oozes Nicholas Sparks schmooze. Egads. Now there's a punch in the throat waiting to happen.

Anonymous said...

Love this!!! I say if the movie was recast for women my age (we'll say in the 30's) then Hugh Jackman should have been Edward .... would have been more fun to watch!!!

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

I'm holding out for some exquisitely awkward photos on the red carpet in a few months!

Marian said...

I'm watching Rob on screen, I'm not smelling him. And in spite of all this BS I will still be at the theater on midnight 11/16 to see them slurp and make squinty eyes at each other.

Penelope Lolohea said...

I've never believed they were really together, either! Anyway, I don't think this whole situation could have been put better than you put it (especially that comment about the idiot director; that was spot on).

Anonymous said...

OK, Jen, loved this article, but I think it really should have been centered around your point #4. HUGE pet peeve of mine. So tired of the other woman getting the blame for infidelity when it is the man, who vowed to be faithful in front of God and his friends and family, who breaks his vow, and then gets off relatively scott free. We should be punching that bastard in the throat! And have you seen his wife?? Why is it that dweeby guys get women that are WAY outta their leagues and then cheat on them with little snits like K-Stew? I just don't get it. And did you see that douche canoe's apology? His wife and kids are his "universe"...um, you were giving them a second thought when you were humping up on some young girl, you pathetic piece of trash. They only became your everything AFTER you got caught. I just don't get it. I realize that we aren't massacring him because he's not famous...but really, cheating husbands are the ones I want to punch in the throat. As a side note, I have never been cheated on...can you imagine how bitter I would be if I were??? Scary thought, I know....

Kayla said...

WORD.

Anonymous said...

I read that and thought that a tight ass is exactly why a man would cheat! ; -)

Lisa said...

The entire time I watched the last movie, I kept thinking she had to poop and was holding it in. Immature, maybe, true?, I think so.

Julia P F said...

The stink factor is basically a kitchen pass for all shenanagins.

JCSPA said...

Well, they aren't married to each other, so cheat all you want. I was sure never faithful to any boyfriend at that age, isn't it the law?

Mexmom said...

If #6 is true, he was just really asking for it... and like you said I never believed that romance to be true anyway

Tinkerbellemommy said...

Shared this with my DD who also hates the odd couple...she said she couldn't decide if you should buy the Twilight hair dryer because you're an extreme fan or because Twilight blows...

Bee's hive said...

True That!

B said...

So I have no clue about anything Twilight. I have never read the books or watched the movies...but I do know that Kristen Stewart has never been high on my list of "I'll watch it because they're in it" actors. This post is hilarious...."Ooo Rupert.." LOL!

Former Tech said...

I'm so with you on the director's name!! I broke up with a guy because there was no way I'd be able to scream his name during sex. Who can cry out Marvin?? Kind of kills the mood right there.

tricia said...

I'm actually shocked that you read those books! I still haven't managed to read them, The Hunger Games, 50 Shades...I've been too busy reading your blog. And, my own. It ups my readership to do that. :)

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