North West? Are you kidding me? Seriously? Are we being punked? Is this is a test to see how dumb the world is that we would really believe that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West would name their adorable, sweet baby girl North?? As in North West.
I assume North West, because every variation of South West was already trademarked? Or maybe because Kim's original favorite Easton West (say it out loud) was too corny? Yeah, that's where they drew the line.
Hey, Kim and Kanye, you do know that just because you have buckets and buckets of money doesn't mean you have to pick a stupid name. No one would judge you if you named your daughter Jane. Take a look at the Pitt-Jolie clan. They never once named a child Peach or Cherry, because they understand that the idea is to name your kid something the kids can't make fun of on the playground of their high priced private elementary school. You're supposed to go through all the variations of your child's name (and initials - no one wants A.S.S.) to figure out all of the pitt-falls (ba dum dum) of each name on your list. The kids are going to call her Wild West. And Mid West (no they're not, they don't even know what the Midwest is).
Now that North is the official name, I would like to revisit Kimye. I'm beginning to think that actually would have been a better choice. I realize now that you didn't like Kash Kow, but Kimye West is downright precious compared to North. North makes me think of that stupid movie where that Hobbit kid goes off looking for better parents. (Hmm ... maybe you shouldn't let her see that movie.)
'Cause like the "K" is totally silent. (source: Wendy Nielsen)
Kim, does your mother know that you didn't stick the "K"s? She is going to have a fit. You're going to be fined. Literally. You might even be cut from the family empire. (You're definitely going to be cut if you can't squeeze those feet of yours back into stilettos before it's time to be photographed leaving the hospital.)
Look, at this point, it's still fuzzy if this is really the truth. Everyone is getting their news from TMZ and they're not the most reliable. Sure, they say they've seen a birth certificate, but there's still time to fix this. I've come up with a list of lovely K names that I think work perfectly with West:
Kali
Kallista
Kamilah
Karlotta
Karma
Kasmira
Kezia
Kora
Krystal
Just pick Krystal. It's perfect for you guys. It's glitzy and glamorous. Especially if you pronounce it Krys-TALL. Think of the branding opportunities you can have with a name like Krystal West: chandeliers, glassware, faux jewelry, bedazzled cowgirl hats (here's a good place to play up the whole "west" thing, right?), even lingerie at some point! No one wants to wear a thong by North West. We all know, North West makes track pants.
My kids and I are away at family sleep
away camp this summer. We go every year together and every year we
all seem to forgot how “rustic” this place is. It's so rustic
that we have air conditioning and private bathrooms and WiFi – but
only in one building and it's not the one we're staying in, so for me
that's roughing it. The Hubs hates bugs and bunk beds more than I do,
so he makes the supreme sacrifice and stays home to work, because
someone's gotta pay for this adventure.
We arrived yesterday afternoon and
here's a conversation I had with my kids:
Upon arriving and checking out our home
away from home for the next week:
Adolpha: This is great! I get the top bunk! Woohoo. WAIT. Where's the TV? There's
no TV? I don't think I knew that before I came.
Two hours after we've arrived, we
realize I've forgotten to pack everyone a sweat shirt and it's cold,
so we trek back into town to hit the local yokel Wal-Mart to peruse
their wares:
Gomer: I'm really proud of myself. I
didn't think I could last this long entertaining myself, but I've
done really well. When I first realized there wasn't a TV, I thought
I'd never make it, but look at me now! I'm totally entertaining
myself!
Me: Gomer, you've entertained yourself
by unloading the car, making your bed, unpacking your stuff, and
playing with a soccer ball for thirty minutes before I took you to
Wal-Mart to shop. Let's see you get through tomorrow without telling
me you're bored and then we'll call it a success.
Yesterday no fewer than five people sent me a link to a blog post and said, "Jen you MUST read this!"
Yesterday was the last day of school for Gomer and Adolpha. You know how sometimes you get to Friday and you say, "God, this week took forever!"?? Yeah, not this week. Every night this week I was like, "Wait tomorrow is _____??? Shit. I can't forget to sign Gomer's reading log so he can get it turned in and claim his reward, he wants a special pen for yearbook signing, I'm supposed to help out at both of their end of the year parties, I'm chaperoning a field trip (WTF? Why did they schedule the last Kindergarten field trip the day before their last day?? Even the teachers who scheduled it were regretting it that day. There were many dedicated teachers up in the wee hours of that next morning putting the finishing touches on end of the year [tear jerker!] slide shows.), I'm in charge of the class gift for Adolpha's teacher, and I need to vote on that last minute PTO thing before Thursday. Plus, I'm probably forgetting six other things."
I would open the blog post and I would get the first paragraph read and I'd be pulled away for another million reasons.
Like the rest of the world, I woke up yesterday morning to the news that Angelina Jolie had written an OpEd in the New York Times detailing her decision to have a double mastectomy as a precaution against cancer.
I had a lot of thoughts on this one.
I'm not a huge fan of Angelina. I've blogged about her before and I've always been Team Jennifer (Aniston) vs. Team Angelina, BUT I think that what she's done is really commendable. She took control of her body and her health and made some really important decisions. She has a truckload of kids she needs to take care of and she's putting them first and she wants to be around to see her grandkids.
Plus, she got a whole new discussion about breast cancer started and I think any discussion about breast cancer is a good one.
I was disappointed to find out that the test she took to determine she carries the BRCA gene mutation costs $3,000 and is often denied coverage by insurance companies. I know that she's speaking out about her surgery and today she allowed her doctor to share information about her medical treatment. Her doctor indicated that women with a high risk can typically get this test covered. I've been hearing some horror stories of women who have been denied though. I hope the next step is for Angelina to wield her power and take on the insurance companies and pressure them to cover this test.
I was shocked and surprised like everyone else. I'm not sure why, though. It's not like Angelina and I are tight and I see her every day. I don't know why I feel like it was any of my business what Angelina and her boobs have been up to. I was also surprised that she underwent such an invasive surgery. Especially, when she's so well known for her figure. The fact that she would do this and then share her story with the world, tells me that it was not a decision she took lightly.
And then last night, I got pissed. I was trolling around reading stuff on the 'net last night when I stumbled upon tons and tons of assholes who were RIP-ing Angelina's breasts. WTF is wrong with people? First, there were the dickheads mourning Brad's "loss" (as if Angelina's breasts were his property) and then there were the bitches coming out of the wood work blaming Angelina's karma. This sort of thing just infuriates me. It just shows that this world (or maybe it's just Twitter) is populated by idiots and douchebags.
I read today that some doctors are concerned that Angelina's story might encourage more women to have preventative mastectomies that aren't necessary in early stage breast cancers. You know what? These are my breasts and if I have cancer (even early stage) and I want to lop them off so I can sleep better at night knowing that my cancer risks are lowered, then I'll do it. They're not that important to me. My breast don't define me. I believe that Angelina really did her research and figured out a medical plan that was best suited to her. I admire her for empowering other women in the same situation. I'm not a high risk for breast or ovarian cancer, but if I was, you better believe I'd get that test done - even if I had to put it on a credit card.
At the end of all this controversy I see a mom who cares enough about herself and her family to make a life changing decision that will affect her family and career for the rest of their lives. I applaud her choice and I think she does not deserve a punch in the throat.
Wow. My mind was blown today. A friend sent me this article about Abercrombie & Fitch.
Do you remember shopping there when you were in college? I sure do. (Do they still smell like a junior high dance where the boys put on waaaay too much of dad's cologne and they play the music so loud you might get permanent hearing loss?) In fact, I think I still have my classic Abercrombie sweatshirt in my closet. Well, apparently, we shopped at A&F back when they were selling "fuddy duddy" clothes. (That sounds about right for me. I have rarely been on the cutting edge of fashion.) Nowadays, A&F has this total jackhole, Mike Jeffries, running the company and he's doing a really kick ass job (stock price is up, sales are up, new stores everywhere, blah, blah, blah) and he has a secret to his success: he only hires beautiful, thin "cool kids" so that they will only attract other beautiful, thin "cool kids" to shop at his stores, because he doesn't want losers even setting a hairy, fugly foot in his hallowed halls. And just in case the message didn't get through to the uncool, the ugly, and the fat people that there is nothing here for you, Mike wants to make it clear that you're not welcome and so he has decreed that the women's clothing line will not carry clothing bigger than a size L or 10.
“In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids,” he told [Salon.com]. “Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely." - Mike Jeffries
When I first read this article, I didn't know if I was more impressed with the fact that Jeffries owns his asshole ways or if I was more disgusted that he's such a fucking dickhead who is desperately trying to hold on to his glory days of high school. (Actually, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Mikey was a total la-hooo-zer back in the day. Look at how hard he's fought for those bulging biceps and how much he's paid for those sun-kissed locks - and eyebrows WTF? - and bee-stung lips. He looks like a genetically engineered geriatric douchebag.) He's an absolute creeper and I don't care how much he owns his actions, they're unacceptable.
I'm a dick, duude, but I'm OK with that, because I'm a coooool dick who hates losers and fat people.
When we have young women all over this country suffering from poor body image, I am disgusted that companies like this exist and are flourishing. A size 10 is big?? And it's not just the girls either. I've spent enough summers at the public pool to know that the average teenage boy doesn't have the chiseled body featured in A&F's steamy ad campaigns. (Luckily, they do make men's XL clothes, though, mostly to cater to the beefier athletes.)
For Jeffries to come right out and say his company philosophy is to be "exclusionary" makes me want to scream and burn my (Size XL) Abercrombie sweatshirt in effigy and break things (preferably a display of polo shirts at my local A&F). I am trying to raise children in this world who have a sense of self worth (that doesn't come from their stupid fucking jeans) and he continues to do what ever he can to make children feel excluded. Yes, teenagers are still children. And when a major company tells a teenager that they're not worthy of shopping at their store because her ass is too big what does that say to her? Believe me, she's already self conscious about that ass, she doesn't need Abercrombie & Fitch telling her that she's too horrible to buy a pair of their jeans. Nice work, dickhead.
In the 1990s Jeffires took over a dying company that sold "fuddy duddy" clothes and turned it into the Mecca of Morons. Reading the articles and looking through the photos of Jeffries and his young employees, made me feel sick to my stomach. This company embodies everything I despise. Ignorant, selfish, entitled, foolish, arrogant, elitist assholes who sit around with their fellow douchey "dudes" in their perfectly (identically) ripped jeans and their stupid fucking racist/sexist t-shirts with gems like "Tig Ole Bitties" and "Two Wongs Make a White" and yuk it up about raiding mommy's medicine cabinet or maxing out daddy's credit card while their asshole parents neglect them to spend time on the slopes or at the beach.
These are the same kids who tweet racist shit and tell their sorority sisters to stop being so fucking boring when frat boys are around. These are the same kids who received Participation Awards for every fucking thing in their lives and have that shit lined up on a shelf in their room, because that reminds them that they're precious snowflakes. These are the same kids who kill referees at soccer games. I hate these people more than you know.
My children are not old enough to grace the abs-infested aisles of A&F just yet, but the first time either of my kids asks for anything from this store, I will say Hell Fucking No. I realize that won't matter much to Mr. Jeffries. After all, I'm way too old, fat, short, and ugly to be allowed in his store. (I'm surprised he doesn't have bouncers at the door to turn away people like me.) He doesn't care what I think, because I'm not his clientele. Well, that's too bad, because he should care about me and other mothers like me. I am a mother who will influence and educate my kids about shopping consciously. I will raise kids like these girls who "girlcott" places like A&F. I will explain to my kids that we don't support companies that sexualize teens or marginalize people. We will put our money where our mouths are and we will buy our perfectly distressed $100 jeans ANYWHERE else, but A&F.
A&F can kiss my fat ass!
If you have not watched this video, check it out. Greg has a great solution to dealing with AF clothes. #fitchthehomeless.
UPDATE: A Change.org Petition has been started asking Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries to Stop telling teens they aren't beautiful; make clothes for teens of all sizes! You can sign it here.
This week has been crazy busy. In fact, I think this is just going to be my life for the next several months. If you didn't read my BIG news from last week, let me fill you in. I signed a publishing contract with Random House and I have two books coming out in a year and a half. That means it's time for Jen to get cracking. I've got my kids in school for about four more weeks so I need to hit it hard while they're gone all day and my house is empty and sort of silent (the Hubs is still here and I can hear him breathing). That means I'll probably be a bit quiet around here for a little while. Don't despair, though. I say I'll be quiet, but you know you can't shut me up even if you wanted to.
Speaking of shutting me up, I will be performing live and on stage (oh shit) next Saturday at the Unity Temple on the Plaza. That's right, it's finally time for Listen to Your Mother. We practiced today and it's going to be a great show. I can't tell you what I'm going to read, but I can promise you that you will laugh at mine. And then you'll cry a little and laugh some more and nod along in agreement and you might even shout "Amen!" (we will be in a church after all ) when my fellow cast mates get up there to read their fantastic pieces. Tickets are $12 in advance and $15 at the door. I hope you'll come and support us. It's going to be a great night.
Top Read Posts This Week:
Douchey Dads - This was an oldie, but goody. I know that DDs can be found in just about every town, city, suburb across the land, so I know you all can relate this one.
Adolpha Gives Me Advice on Love - My daughter the sage. For a girl who never wants to get married or have kids, this girl sure pays a lot of attention to relationships. (Maybe this is why she never wants to get married or have kids!) Thanks to her, I've stepped up my game.
Rebecca Martinson - The Crazy Delta Gamma - Rebecca blew her fucking top and it will probably haunt her for many years. This is a fucking cautionary tale to the youth.
Some BIG News - Yeah, I told you the news already at the beginning of this post. Still worth a read though. Thanks to everyone for their kind comments!
Book News:
I Just Want to Pee Alone is doing grrrrrreat. My co-authors and I are thrilled with the response. Thanks to everyone who has bought a copy - or two - or ten! If you haven't left us a review on Amazon yet, please do so. We need them so we can feel pretty. If you haven't bought the book yet, you really need to. This is a great book for Mother's Day. Especially if your mother has a sense of humor. This is also a perfect baby shower gift. I'm going to a shower next weekend and you can bet she's going to get a copy.
My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies if Necessary):
Words have meanings. Rebecca Martinson knew what she was saying, and she also thought she was entitled enough to say them without experiencing a negative response. But I can't think of a person alive who would LIKE to be viciously scolded in front of and along with a house full of twenty or thirty roommates (or howevermany), and find it even less of a probability that one of those scolded wouldn't take some kind of retributive action. I do kind of feel bad for her, but not because she's been kicked out of her house and has become an internet pariah. I think she's earned that. I feel bad for her because she's got a lot of unresolved crazy-making rage issues (just read the screen shots of her (now defunct) Twitter feed), and that can't be an easy way to live. But don't worry about her! Surely in a year or so she'll be a reality TV star, happily demonstrating her knack for the cunt-punt on a national basic cable network (I'm looking at you, TLC; maybe a road show with her and Honey on Rebecca Martinson - The Crazy Delta Gamma
As sad as it sounds, I'd probably watch that show. Damn it, I'm such an idiot!
Congratufuckinglations! haha! Way to go! One question: did you have that same mouth at five? on Some BIG News
You know I did, motherclucker. Don't forget to bring the cock 'n candy next week to Listen to Your Mother!
As someone who knew you back when you were just my funny as shit wisecracking IRL friend I am couldn't be more excited and a bit proud! As women we need to support each other in our post-motherhood goals and I am happy to have been an original fan of the blog who helped get the word out! on Some BIG News
I've been kind of busy, so I'm a little
late to the party about the sorority girl from Maryland who wrote
this scathing
email to her sorority sisters. WARNING! Her email makes me sound like a sweet mouthed angel. If you can't fucking handle some adult fuckity fuck fucking fuck language then you can't read her email.
OK, so have you read it? Had you heard about this one yet?
Well, in case you've been on a deserted island for the past two weeks
I'll bring you up to speed. So, this girl was pissed off at her fellow Delta Gamma sisters because she'd heard through the Greek grapevine they were being “so fucking boring”
when they hung out with the (allegedly) amazeballs Sigma Nu so she wrote them an email that would
make me blush and basically told them to stop being so fucking boring
or else she'd “cunt punt” them (her words, not mine, but they're
kind of brilliant, no?) across campus as well as assault them or something like that.
It was a big brouhaha, because one of
her dear sisters leaked the email to the media and everyone went wild and wanted this chick's blood.
Now, I have to say when I first read
the email, I laughed my ass off. It's actually kind of funny. Her
rage is so out of control it's comical. Also, you can almost feel her spittle on
your face when she says stuff like:
"I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?"
She is like a rabid toddler with a trucker's vocabulary! She probably was like this when she was a toddler, "SHARING SUCKS AND I WILL CUT THE NEXT MOTHERFUCKER WHO TRIES TO TAKE MY SNACK!! FUCK YOU, GET YOUR OWN COOKIES."
Everyone was so freaked out by this girl and her fucking craziness, but I was kind of torn on
the email initially. I didn't mind the language (duh - or should I say durr) and I kind of
understood where she was coming from. I've been in charge of many a
group of apathetic people and there have been so many times I would
have loved to send an email in a similar vein. Can you imagine being in
charge of the school carnival and no one wants to work at it, because
they're all “too busy” or better yet, they “want to enjoy the
carnival with their kids” and meanwhile you haven't seen your family in weeks, because you've been planning the fucking thing so that they can go and have fun with their kids?? Yeah, my
guess is the school carnival organizer would like to send an email
much like this one and tell parents to get off their asses and help
her or else the fucking carnival will be cancelled and they can call Krustee the Clown and tell him he won't be making his rent this month.
BUT, the carnival organizer never sends
that email, because she realizes that as much as she'd love to go scorched earth on everyone, that is never going to accomplish anything. So instead, she just sits home and dreams of writing emails like this while she works the phones looking for more suckers to work the Dunk Tank.
Now, what I didn't like was the fact
that this girl was yelling at her sisters, because a bunch of douche
bag frat boys complained that they were “boring.” Uh … fuck
you, frat boy, go entertain yourself. I've never been in a sorority
(I know, surprise, surprise) for many reasons, but if I knew that one
of the job descriptions was to keep douche bags "entertained" then I'm
glad I never joined one, because I would have failed miserably. This
is 2013, right? Because this complaint sounds like something
right out of Mad Men. Actually,
I know it's 2013,
because these asshats issues their complaints via text message.
So, basically, this
girl yelled at her sorority sisters, because a bunch of d-bags texted her and said her sisters were boring and then she turned
around and wrote an email that ripped them all new ones, stitched
them back up, and then ripped them again. Um, yeah, haven't you
heard, Rebecca? Chicks before dicks. You don't ream your girls because they
didn't adequately entertain a bunch of fucking morons. And the more I
think about it “boring” is probably fucking douche code for “she wouldn't suck
my dick, man.”
But, what sealed
the deal for me and made me despise this girl, was my friend Rantsfrom Mommyland's post where she included racist and hateful text messages from our sweet sorority girl. Whoa.This shit just got real. This isn't funny anymore. This girl really IS nuts.
I just need to ask this girl: ARE YOU FUCKING RACIST AND INSANE, REBECCA?? Are you? This isn't a rhetorical question, you dumb fucking cunt. What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head as a baby? Were you? Because I think you might have been. You should probably make an appointment with a fucking neurologist get your fucking brain checked, because you are a complete and total twat waffle.
This bitch has offended just
about every one you can. She's a spoiled, arrogant little piece of
shit who really deserves all of the hate that she's received these last
couple of weeks over the internet (and hopefully in person). No wonder one of her sisters
leaked the email! Reading Rants from Mommyland and the girl's text messages made me realize that
this bitch wasn't just some tired, overworked, and under appreciated
girl like my imaginary carnival organizer. Nope, this a cunt who needs a punt.
If you want to see a hilarious reading of the post, check out Michael Shannon doing his reading.
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