Me Because I'm a Crappy Friend

One of my old friends came into town to visit her family and she emailed and asked if I'd have time to see her tonight.  Of course!  I cleared my schedule and went out for a fun night on the town with my good friend.  It was wonderful to see her.  We laughed a lot and traded stories about hubbies and kiddos and made fun of our waitress (who checked on us no fewer than 25 times - Yeah we got everything we need, Sugar/Sweetie/Honey/whatever you want to call me this time around!).

I got home tonight and I kept the Hubs up for an hour regaling him with stories that my friend had told me and going on and on about how good it was to see her again.

Then I logged onto Facebook for one last check to see what everyone was doing at 12:30 am and that's when I saw FB's helpful little blurb on the right hand side reminding me of today's birthdays.  Who do you think was on the list for today??  My friend.  The friend I'd just spent 3 hours with.  The friend who was far too sweet and kind to remind me that I'd forgotten her birthday.  Are you freaking kidding me??

Thanks a lot, Facebook!  All day long I checked FB on my phone and never logged in on my computer!  I never saw it was her birthday.  This doesn't excuse me for being an ass, but I'm still going to blame FB a bit.

FB tailors my advertisements to fit my status updates, don't you think they have the technology where they can read the email from my friend inviting me out tonight and cross reference her name with the names on my birthday list and then send me a text message saying, Hey dummy, it's your friend's birthday tonight, you might want to say something to her!

Nope, they don't have that feature.  Bastards.

OK, I've just been reminded that technically right now is TOMORROW from when we went out and it's her birthday NOW and so I didn't actually miss her birthday.  Apparently, I'm an idiot who can't figure out what time of day the calendar changes.  But still....not cool.

I really need a better system for birthdays.  I forgot the Hubs birthday once too.  The sad thing is, if you forget my birthday I'm a psycho so you'd think I'd make everyone else's a priority.  Nope.  I'm a bastard.

Sorry friend!  It was wonderful to see you and catch up (even if I didn't get to sing Happy Birthday) and I miss you terribly and I wish you still lived close by.

Do me a favor, would ya?  Share this blog with your friends.

The Lady at the Real Estate Commission Today

You know the movie Planes, Trains & Automobiles?  Remember the part where Steve Martin is waiting to talk to the lady at the car rental counter and she's planning her Thanksgiving meal on the phone?  I experienced something like that today.

I had a defective piece of equipment I needed to trade out so I took a trip to my local real estate commission.  Let me start by asking if any of you have received the memo that real estate is a tough business right now.  I'm thinking my real estate commission missed that memo.  People are dropping out like flies.  In fact, every time I go to the commission there is always at least one person there turning in lockboxes and such because they are getting out of the business.  So it's tough right now for Realtors and everyone in the real estate business.  Oh wait, no, it's not.  It's not tough at the commission - they're remodeling their offices.  I pay them several hundreds of dollars a year for the honor of being a member and what do they do for me?  Nada.  Just make their offices pretty for me when I visit.

Anyhoo, I had to go to the MLS office because the commission is hanging out there during the remodel.  I walk in and the commission's receptionist is on the phone, but there is someone else there who can help me.  She starts in with the whole, "I don't normally do this, but since she's.....occupied.  I guess I'll try."  That would be great, sweetie, since I pay your salary too.  That's when I realize the commission lady is NOT on a business call, she's obviously talking to her son.  I'm guessing by her age that her son is at least mid-20s, but she's speaking to him like he's 6.  Actually, I take that back, I don't even speak to my 6 year old like this.  I was embarrassed for her.  And him.

"Well, Daddy will appreciate whatever you do for him.  I'm sure he'll understand that your friends are having a cook out.  Daddy will love to see you for as long as you can come by since he hasn't seen you in so long," she says.

This caught my attention since Father's Day is Sunday, I assume that's what they're talking about.  Obviously, the ungrateful little shit would rather hang out with his friends than his dad and mom is making his little conscience feel better.

Another Realtor walked in and she sighed heavily and said, "Sweetie, I'm going to have to put you on hold.  OK?  Hang on."  She did so acting like she was soooooo inconvenienced to do her job.  "Yes sir, how can I help you?"

He needed a copy of something for his records and wanted to know if she could get that for him.  She said she could and went back to her phone call.

"Honey, it's fine, really.  He'll understand.  I know he will," she says as she fiddles with her computer and prints out what the man is looking for.  She snaps it at him and goes right on with her conversation.  "He knows how important your friends are to you.  Don't even worry about it.  I'll tell him tonight."  Of course you will, you enabling harpy.  You'd still breast feed him if he wanted it, I can tell.

I missed the rest, because I actually had to pay attention to the other lady and help her figure out how to replace my defective item (another punch for another day - ugh) and when I came back mommy was giving Junior driving directions.  It was bizarre.

"Where are you right now?  You're sure you're lost?  Where are you?  OK, listen to me.  I'm going to help you.  Which direction are you headed?  That street goes west and east, which way are you going?"  The kid doesn't know his west from east.  He's starting to panic and so is mommy.  Even the other receptionist takes notice.  I'm beginning to think maybe the kid is lost in the 'hood or something and he's thinking he's going to get carjacked or something.  Then she says the name of the street he's on.  WTF.  It's in the middle of suburbia.  The only danger he's in is if a squirrel darts out in front of his car.  She then proceeds to tell him how to get going the right direction to where ever it is he's headed (hopefully the mall to get dad a nice gift).

There are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to start.  I think I'll start with the fact that the commission is remodeling their fucking offices.  I have never been in another real estate commission's offices before, but I can bet that our commission has some of the nicest offices in the country - for sure in the state.  And that was BEFORE they started the remodel.  I hate that I pay them so much money and every time I walk into those offices they treat me like shit.  I pay your salaries.  If I don't go bust my ass and find new clients, you don't get paid to sit on yours and make Father's Day plans with your loser son.  If I quit the business, you're out of a job too.  Your job is to support me and to help me, so do your damn job!

Do your damn job is number 2.  I get that people make personal phone calls at work.  I used to have an office job.  I used to make personal calls too.  HOWEVER, when I had a client, customer, boss, co-worker, even the damn janitor come up to me to ask me a question, I hung up the fricking phone.  I'm really shocked this woman still has her job.  She sat there brazen as can be having a personal conversation on a company phone for a good 10 minutes that I was there (and she was definitely in the middle of her conversation by the time I walked in) and not giving a care to any customer who came through her door.  People all over my community are out of work, I guarantee we could find a MUCH better receptionist TOMORROW if we had to.  Get off the phone and do your job, you lazy POS.

Stop coddling your son.  He's obviously somewhat grown.  You're close to 65 or so, so I'm guessing your son is over 18.  He's not a baby anymore.  Let him go.  Stop letting him get away with his stupid excuses for not coming around.  He's your son, you want to see him - tell him that.  Don't smooth it over and act like what he's doing is fine.  It's not fine.  It's Father's Day and unless he's going to his Father in Law's house, he should be at your house with his father.  He should NOT be getting drunk with his buddies at a cookout - he can do that next Sunday.  He's a spoiled little brat and you continue to spoil him.  And stop calling your husband Daddy.  That's just creepy.

Again With the Mini Punches!

1.  Chelsea Handler.  The Hubs sent my blog to her yesterday and she responded that I need therapy.  Seriously?  That's her response?  What's up with that, Chelsea?  Do you think you're the only one allowed to be a ballsy bitch?

2.  The bicyclists who want to "share" the road with my car last night.  Last night I was driving on a two lane road with no shoulder.  I came over a hill with a blind spot and had to slam on my breaks, because suddenly there was a WALL of bicycles in front of me.  These are not the usual road warriors you see out there with their Lycra outfits and expensive bikes that they can pedal uphill at 30 mph.  This was some kind of charity race or maybe a neighborhood on drugs who thought this was a great bonding experience.  This was obviously something that had been advertised to people like me.  There were tons of overweight men and women (in Lycra - my eyes!!) huffing and puffing on their BMXs with their KIDS.  They were weaving and bobbing all over the road rather than staying in the 12 inches or so normally allotted to bicycle riders.  I got behind one group that I thought were going to get off their bikes and PUSH them up the hill.  WTF????  If you can't ride a bike up a hill, get off the road with vehicles!  The dumbest part of this whole thing is that literally 5 feet from the road is a fricking BIKE PATH!  Get on the bike path, you morons.  Last night I watched the 10 o'clock news fully expecting to see that a large group of idiots were run over on 143rd Street last night.  Somehow they all made it back home alive.  It's truly a miracle.

3.  Airlines.  Did you see that airlines are actually making a profit this year?  It's all from baggage fees.  Did you see an airlines booted a guy last night because he dropped the F-bomb on a flight attendant?  That's hardcore.  I once threatened to let my kid pee on the floor of a plane because the "Fasten Seatbelt" sign was on and they wouldn't let him up to use the bathroom.  I guess I was lucky we were already in the air and they couldn't boot me off.

4.  The 22-year old British heiress who is trying to buy Candy Spelling's $150 million home. Yeah, this will be her second home.  Her primary home is in London.  I think Daddy did a good job not spoiling her too much.  Don't you?

5.  Jessica Alba.  What is her claim to fame these days?  Can anyone tell me?  She is all over the magazines and websites and I don't see that she has a movie, a book, a TV show (sitcom and/or reality) and yet there she is.  What does she do?  She's always pregnant and being photographed in "adorable" maternity fashions.  She's also been photographed picking "cute and functional" housewares and knick knacks at the local flea market.  Why do we care about what Jessica Alba likes?

6.  Weiner.  Going to rehab.  Yeah, that should fix his computer skills.  Dumbass.

7.  Tracy Morgan.  HE should go to rehab.  That guy is deranged.  (Now I sound like Chelsea Handler.)  I love 30 Rock, but I think he's the worst part.  I think Tina Fey should boot his sorry ass.

8.  People who don't know how to go through a 4 way stop properly.  We have lots of 4 way stops around here and I am so irritated by the people who don't pay attention to where they are in line.  If I get to the stop sign first, I GO first, even if you've waited longer.  Also, if we get there together at the same time, you yield to the person on your right.  PS - a stop sign means STOP, not take a quick look, see that I'm slowing down and so you can gun it and roll through.  These are the days that I just wish I drove a tank around town.

Men Who Abuse Women

I've been working on this post in my head for a while now.  I couldn't quite figure out what I wanted to do with it.  It started out as a rant about these types of men who don't actually physically abuse women, but still use them and then lie about their actions.  Then I moved on to assholes like this guy who think it's perfectly fine to tell women what they can and can't do with their bodies.  And then there was this dummy who thinks every woman who follows him on Twitter wants junk mail from him.  All of these men abuse women in their own ways.  They use women and degrade women and they marginalize women.  These guys all suck, but the type of guy I'm talking about today is the guy who actually lays his hands on a woman and injures and sometimes even kills her.  I'm talking about assholes like Chris Brown who used his girlfriend Rhianna as a punching bag and then apologized and got a Grammy.  I don't know who is worse here:  Chris Brown for assaulting Rhianna, the Grammys for overlooking his behavior (only one year after the incident) just because he has talent or the women on Twitter who begged Chris to punch them (WTF???)

Last week I learned that a friend's sister had been murdered by the father of her children.  It got me thinking about how many women I've known of who have been killed by men in their lives.  There was a girl I went to school with.  There was a girl here in my relatively small town who was shopping at Target and was abducted in broad daylight and later killed.  There was another girl in my town who was killed at a pool where she was working.  There are many other girls I can't think of right now and probably don't even know about that have been hurt and killed by the men in their lives.  Just today, I saw an Amber Alert for a woman who was stabbed in the neck by her boyfriend and then he stole their son.

I am sick to death of men abusing women.  I realize this is not a new problem.  Men have ALWAYS abused women.  Raping and pillaging was a world-wide sport and is still done in many countries.  Here in America we're actually in a much better position now that we're not considered chattel and it's illegal to rape your wife, but we're still dying at the hands of our husbands and boyfriends and that's total bullshit.  I'm not a fan of the death penalty, but in cases like these I really think drawing and quartering is not enough.

I read a book a long time ago called Gift of Fear.  It's a really interesting book.  (I actually heard about it on Oprah, go figure.)  The author talks about how violent people don't just "snap" it's an ongoing process and we need to learn the signs.  He also talks about how your sick feeling in the pit of your stomach should NEVER be ignored.  Women are too kind, he says, and worry too much about hurting people's feelings.  For instance, he gives the example of a guy asking to help a woman carry her groceries to her apartment.  She has an uneasy feeling but she doesn't want to hurt his feelings or be rude, so she agrees.  NO!  Stop right there.  When you get that uneasy feeling, drop your groceries and you run.  You know this guy is no good and yet you worry about hurting his feelings.  Stop doing that, ladies!  Stop letting these psychopaths into your airspace.  You're better than that!  Women need to make themselves a priority and realize that they don't need to worry about hurting anyone's feelings when it comes to protecting themselves from violence.  BTW, that guy attacked her, but she managed to get away.

(DISCLAIMER:  Of course, not every guy asking to help you with your groceries is going to hurt you, so you will offend someone along the way, but you'll keep yourself alive.)

I also think every woman should take a self defense class.  I'm never going to be able to hit as hard as a man or probably even stop a man if he's attacking me, but if I can learn some moves like punches to the throat or smacks upside the head with a frying pan (I've always told the Hubs that if he EVER hits me he'd better hope I don't get up, because I will beat him in his sleep with a frying pan) maybe I can give myself a chance to get away.  I'm sure these women didn't got down without a fight.  So many of them fought so hard that they were able to leave enough evidence behind to convict their killers.

I have a son and I want to raise him to be respectful of women.  I want him to understand that women are to be protected and not abused.  I want him to know that women are to be cherished and not shamed.  He has a sister and I want to raise her to be tough as nails.  I don't want her to take shit from any man.  I want her to learn self defense and I want her to learn to listen to her gut.

I have a real problem with wanting to exact revenge on these abusive men.  I'm really impressed by women like Elizabeth Smart who has actually forgiven her abductor and abuser.  I just read this week that she's forgiven him so that she can move on with her life.  I understand that forgiveness is a big step towards recovery, but I think that she is a better person than me.  I don't think I could do that.  If I were Elizabeth Smart I'd want his balls in a jar on my desk as a souvenir.

Most Everyone I Saw Last Night in the ER at Liberty Hospital

Remember that SNL skit a few years ago about Appalachian Emergency Room?  Last night I witnessed that first hand.  OMG.

We are camping at a camp grounds near Excelsior Springs, MO and last night my six year fell and hit his head pretty hard.  We decided to take him to the emergency room for a CT scan.  I was told by the people in the know to skip Excelsior Springs and go straight to Liberty, MO, because that's the "better" ER.

If Liberty is the better ER then I can't even imagine what Excelsior Springs must be like!  I should have known this was going to be an experience when I walked in and saw two police officers standing there.  I asked my cousin, "What do you think they're doing here?"  She said, "Probably a DUI or something."  Nope, I quickly figured out they were there for security.  And I was soon glad they were there.

I was 30 miles from my home and I felt like I was in Deliverance.  White trash doesn't begin to describe it.

Remember this guy?  Yikes!

Let's start with the 87 pound crack whore slash meth head.  This chick was running around in an oversized t-shirt that was so big I wasn't sure she had pants on.  After a bit I figured out she did.  She kept bopping around the ER alternating between grabbing her crotch and holding her stomach like she was going to be sick.  She carried an ENORMOUS purse with her that must have weighed as much as her and she kept magically pulling Butterfingers and Snickers out of it.  It was like Mary Poppins with a sugar problem.  She would devour these candy bars like...well, like an 87 pound crack whore slash meth head coming down off a high.  Think rabid beaver.  She was with her boyfriend (?) who was sporting a hot wife beater and skull tattoos.  Pretty soon she hopped up and said, "Oh!  It's time to give my sample!"  She returned with her urine sample in hand and sat down to enjoy a Milky Way.  WTF?

Next was a man who had sawed through his finger.  He had it wrapped in a paper towel and was told to take a number.  I would think a sawed through finger might take precedent over anyone who needs to give a urine sample, but he had to wait behind the crack whore slash meth head.  He sat there and watched "Malcolm in the Middle" and held his paper towel wrapped finger and tried to look like it didn't hurt too much.

We were called in to see the triage nurse and she asked us some "standard" questions.

"Is he exposed to secondhand smoke?'
"No," I replied.
"Of ANY kind?"  She clarified.
"Not cigarette or ANY other kind of smoke," I replied.

"How many carbonated beverages does he consume in a day?  One to two?  Three to four?  Five or more?"
"None," I replied.
"None?"  She asked.  "That means Coke and Sprite."
"Yes, I understand the question," I said.  "He doesn't drink carbonated beverages."

"Well, if he doesn't drink Coke, then I'm pretty sure the next question doesn't apply."
"What is it?" I asked.
"Does he ever consume alcoholic beverages?"
I choked and then thought I'd be a smart ass and replied, "Oooh, yeah, we don't let him drink Sprite, but he loves a cold Bud with his dinner every night."
It took her a full ten seconds to laugh.  I think she's met A LOT of crazy parents.

After this we were sent back out to waiting room to wait to see a doctor.  That's when we saw the parents of the year carrying their baby out from seeing the doctor.

Mom looked about 17 and she also looked like she might be a meth addict.  Dad was probably closer to 19 and I don't think he'd bathed in a week.  Baby looked feverish and ill and was dressed in a grimy diaper and nothing else.  Mom was snapping at Dad to hurry up and Dad was already fumbling for a ciggie.  (I guess I'll give them props that they're both in their baby's life and they sought medical care for their sick baby, but that's the best I can do.)

We had a new patient in the waiting room.  An obese, smelly tattoo covered woman in a wheel chair with a bag of her own vomit.  She was attended by a filthy looking man who kept touching her.  She was clearly annoyed by this and really only wanted to continually check her phone and/or moan.

I can't say with certitude (my new favorite word) but I THINK she was the one in the room next to us back in the ER who was vomiting their guts up and crying.

Soon my son's name was called and we were whisked back to the ER and we saw three really nice, normal medical professionals who took excellent care of my son.  When I came out to tell my cousin and uncle to go ahead and leave us there, even my stoic, non-gossipy uncle whispered to me, "It's been REAL interesting out here.  You've missed a lot."  And my cousin (who is a gossipy gal and a realty TV junkie just like me) said, "Oh my God, they should make a reality show in this waiting room.  It's NUTS."  I can't wait to hear what I missed!

So my question to the good people of Liberty is:  Are soap and water expensive in the Liberty area?  Is there any reason why everyone who came in looked like they hadn't touched water in weeks?  Do you melt if water touches you?  Is it illegal to wash clothes in Liberty?  Is it illegal to dress your children?

From what I gather, the thriving businesses in the area are the meth/crack dealers; convenience stores that sell cigarettes, diapers and candy bars; tattoo parlors; and cell phone providers (all of these crackers had expensive phones!).

Rep. Anthony Weiner

Wow, this one is just too easy it's pitiful.  The man's name is another word for penis and he sent pics of his penis (in his tight undies, but still) and then lied about it.  Repeatedly.  What a "maroon."

What is the deal with all these politicians and their creepy sex lives?  At least the other guys aren't sending out pictures to Facebook "friends" (i.e., hot chicks who commented on his official FB site) titled "Me and the pussies" (it's a pic him and his cats).  Cute, right?

Perv.

What do guys like him think?  I'm Anthony Weiner, I'm a big time politician with a stupid name, but chicks dig me, so I'm going to send out crotch pictures to all the ladies on my Facebook list.  What a douche.

And then he lies about it and tells the world he's been "hacked."  Why would ANYONE want to hack Weiner's account and send out pictures of weiners?  Oh yeah, 'cause it's kind of funny.  But it didn't happen.  He did it.  Of course he did.

Why are we surprised?  Why are we surprised that yet another of our elected leaders of our country is going around sending out inappropriate photos to women and claiming that he "did nothing wrong"?  When will this stop?  When will men realize that NO ONE (not even your wife) wants to get an email with a close up of your schlong?  It's NOT HOT.  Women don't work that way, dumbass, besides the fact that it's completely offensive to women in general and Genette Cordova (the intended recipient) in particular.  Keep it in your pants, Weiner!  Don't be such a douche.  It's not funny, it's not sexy, and I'm betting she didn't ask to see it.  And by the way, Weiner, you DID do something wrong.  You LIED about sending the picture.  You spent endless hours telling the world that you couldn't say with "certitude" that was your penis.  B.S.!  Every man knows his own penis.  Men take inventory of their members on a daily basis from all angles.  As soon as you said that, I knew you were lying.  And I think you're still lying.  There is no way that you exchanged over a hundred emails with your FB ladiez and you didn't get ONE of them to have sex with you.  If you couldn't bed even one of them then you really suck, dude.

I'm going to have treat you like I treat my 6 year old:  Just tell us the truth now, Anthony, because the punishment is going to be a lot more severe when the rest of your lies come out.

Think about it.  Right now you've still got your job (barely), but when it comes out that you've had sex with college students and that you have a love child somewhere in Delaware or some other arm pit state, your career is going to go John Edwards style on you.  You will be ruined.

You might want to think about this one, Anthony.

UPDATE: Weiner is running for Mayor of NYC this year.  You have some BALLS Mr. Weiner.

Really Bad Movies That I've Watched Lately

So the Hubs and I watch a lot of movies.  We have a movie room in our house and a library card, so we're CRAZEE with our movie watching.  Because we have so much access to free movies on a big screen we are not real picky about what we'll watch.  Lately it's been a problem.  We've watched a ton of terrible movies and I'm lamenting the hours of my life that I've lost watching these POSs.  So I've made a list so that hopefully I can stop other people from wasting their lives watching this crap.

Unstoppable - Runaway train, will Denzel save the day before a crappy town in PA blows up?  I really don't care.

The Next 3 Days - Wife's in jail for a crime she didn't commit.  Can hubby break her out?  I really don't care.

Dinner For Schmucks - NOT FUNNY.  Not even a little bit.

Salt - Angelina is a laughable spy.  Only positive thing I can say is she takes off her high heels to run so that makes THAT the only believable part in this movie.

Wall Street 2 - Money Never Sleeps - Slept through it.

The A Team - Bradley Cooper is hot, but even he couldn't save this movie.  Liam Neeson was bizarre.  Can't remember the plot at all.

Knight & Day - I don't know why I keep watching Tom Cruise movies.  Please remind me next time how much this tiny, little man sucks.  Cameron Diaz screams a lot.  Can't remember this plot either.

The Expendables - Sly needs to stop making movies, I'm embarrassed for him.  The Sperminator has a cameo.

The Prince of Persia - Jake Gyllenhaal looks weird with his spray tan and his accent is off-putting.  Can't remember the plot and since my kid wants the P of P Legos, I kept imagining everything as it's Lego counterpart.

The Social Network - I started Facebook!  No the Indian guy and the weird, rich twins did!  No, I did!  Snooze.  Who cares?  I can't believe these guys are actually fighting about this.  At the end of the day it was pretty obvious Zuckerberg created it; if the twins could have done it - THEY WOULD HAVE.  Trent Reznor did a good job with the music.  The dialogue is too quick and technical to follow - yeah, I'm that stupid.  I felt like I was watching the first season E.R. before every medical show talked in "medicine talk."

127 Hours - Rock falls on guy's arm, he cuts it off.  I don't know what I expected, but not this.  It reminded me of Castaway (one of my all time most despised films) with just the guy talking to himself and the camera the whole time.  I kind of felt like he was an idiot and shouldn't have been out hiking without telling anyone where he was.  I didn't have a lot of sympathy for him.

Love & Other Drugs - Beautiful girl is slowly dying, can asshole change?  Doesn't really matter because they're both boring as hell.  This is sad, because I think Jake Gyllenhaal is pretty darn hot (obviously, since I've watched two of his bad movies lately) but he's got to start picking better movies or our relationship will have to end.