PIWTPITT's Holiday Gift Guide

This is the time of year when you can't avoid a "must have" list of holiday gifts to buy for that special certain someone in your life.  There are always lists for "Her" with unique and amazing ideas like a tassel key chain or $500 lingerie (I don't think all of my lingerie COMBINED is worth $500).  Don't forget "Him" either!  How about a $300 iPad cover or an apothecary jar matchstick holder?  (For all those times you say, "I just wish I had a beautiful apothecary jar to hold these unsightly matchsticks!")

The thing that I notice about these lists is there is never anything on them that I would actually want.  I would be pissed if the Hubs came home with a hand-forged iron paperweight in the shape of a lotus for my desk and he'd divorce me if I bought him the Polaroid Digital Instant camera.

So, for anyone looking for a little something special this holiday for someone like me or the Hubs, I put together a list of "must haves" and I think you'll find them unique and adorable.  

1.  Jenni Supersoft Poncho.  So, this thing is amazeballs.  Sure it resembles a muumuu with a hood, but you guys, put this thing on and you will.  Not.  Care.  My grandma bought this for me for Christmas this year.  I picked it out.  Every year my cousins and I go shopping with my grandma to pick out our presents from her.  My cousins are young, single, hip girls.  They bought jewelry and handbags with their Christmas money.  Not me.  I bought this wonderful invention and new slippers.  My cousins died a little inside and vowed to never age past 30.  But little do they know - forty is when you can get away with wearing a fleece caftan and no one even bats an eye.  I'm warm and cozy (because unlike that POS Snuggie this sucker covers your back and has a hood), plus it comes in cool, fun, hip designs.  Mine is black (because black is slimming, even in a fleece one size fits all blanket with arm holes) with adorable polka dots!

2.  Kindle Fire HD.  We are a book loving family.  Well, the Hubs isn't.  I think he might be illiterate actually.  Gomer and I are book lovers.  We can read for hours and I really want a Kindle Fire HD to read on (and play Angry Birds Stars Wars on too).  The Hubs tells me it can do all sorts of other cool stuff really fast, blah, blah, blah, but I just know that it's cute and I can carry it in my purse and watch "Downton Abbey" on the pick up line at school.  Genius!

3.  Light Keeper Pro.  Don't waste anymore time or money cursing your burned out strands of lights.  Zap them into submission and show them who's boss!

4.  Bic Lady Pens.  On a tight budget?  Then, these are the perfect stocking stuffers for every female in your life.  Sure they're a bit pricier than the masculine version, but so worth it!  I started using one a few months back and you won't believe the smart ideas I come up with now.  And my spelling has improved drastically when I write my grocery lists!  Do yourself a favor and invest in your daughter's future today - get her a Bic Lady Pen.

5.  A Goat from Outreach International.  Do you have someone on your list who has everything already?  Do you have someone that you never know what to buy?  Why don't you buy them a goat?  OK, the recipient doesn't actually get the goat, but you buy the goat in their name and then it's donated to a person in need where it provides food, income, and fertilizer.  Goats aren't your style?  How about chickens?  Or toothbrushes?  Adolpha wants to buy a latrine this year.  My extended family donates every year to a project to build a farm.  We do it in honor of my grandfather who passed away a few years ago.

6.  Books.  Did you think I'd make a wish list without my book on it?  Surely, you know me better than that by now!  My book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat would be the best gift for just about anyone on your list.  Your best friend, neighbor, kids' teachers, hair stylist, mailman, garbage man, your sister in law, your mother in law, the nanny.  Maybe you already have my book and you need some other ideas?  No problem.  How about Ketchup is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves or you could pre-order Moms Who Drink and Swear:  True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind.

7.  Little Bag of Crap.  When you go to the grocery store or the library or the PTO meeting, you need a bag that says "What Are You Looking At?" and a Little Bag of Crap can do that for you.  This bag is an instant ice breaker and conversation starter at any playgroup, soccer game or ballet class.  It's also the perfect gift for any child in your house who has hoarding tendencies.  The superior construction of this bag ensures that they can really fill it full of crap and hide it in the back of the closet or under their bed for years to come!

8.  Crocs.  I know many of you scoff at my love of Crocs, but out of all of my Three C's of Fashion (Crocs, Cargo pants and Coach (outlet) bags) you can never go wrong with a pair of Crocs!  No matter what the occasion, there is a perfect pair of rubbery flats, wedges, flip flops or fuzzy slip ons!  Plus, I gotta love any shoe company that lists Duck Boots in their "Dress" section!  Those are my people right there.

9.  Meggings.  This is for the hip and trendy man on your list this year.  I realize the Hubs doesn't fall even remotely near that category, but he has the knobby knees and twiggy, bony legs this fashion statement requires - nay, demands.  For once the Hubs could be on the cutting edge of style and fashion.  He could pour himself into this skin tight abomination and make the men of our neighborhood jealous and the women swoon.  He could proudly strut his spindly stuff and know that for the next week or so he is rocking a style that very few men can pull off.

10.  Honda Odyssey Touring Elite.  I haven't given up my envy of you minivan driving moms.  My little taste of minivan heaven I got this summer wasn't enough to deter me from my wanton desires for slidey doors, a ridiculous amount of cupholders, a split screen television and wireless headphones.  I wish I could have one just so I could put my bad ass minivan bumper sticker on it along with my 0.0 miles sticker.


Starr said...

I want the poncho. Now. My husband sent me a link to https://www.orderforeverlazy.com/ this morning, but I think I'd prefer the big dress. And I'm not even 40.

Blogger said...

My husband actually has sexy legs. Who knew guys could have that attribute? Meggings might be the way for me to go. :D

Liz said...

The forever lazy is only comfortable sometimes. I can't take a nap in mine it's constantly giving me a camel toe.

RainbowChazer's Reviews said...

My husband and I bought ourselves a washing machine for our Christmas present. I have a new pair of pyjama pants for lounging round the house in and he has a new pair of slippers. Sexy? Whassat? We never were, we never will be and we're comfortable like that. So I'm all in agreement with your wish list. I even hear the Odyssey is a perfect tailgating machine too. Amazing what things you learn from editing.

Squeaky Clean Soaps said...

Oh god. Not the meggings. I am still getting over seeing more than middle aged men trotting around the gym naked with a towel jauntily tossed over one shoulder. This will activate my PTSD (no offense to those who have actual PTSD, but seriously, a towel over the shoulder?) My poor child's eyes! She was at EYE LEVEL!

Leila said...

I suggest you read a couple of these articles about the Kindle and Amazon before getting a Kindle. This is the reason why I will never get a Kindle and have deleted the Kindle apps on my iPhone and iPod.




Anonymous said...

lol! I cannot get over the Bic lady pens- and the meggings! lol! I needed a laugh Jen, thank you - now, I just hope someone makes you laugh, too!

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Janine Huldie said...

Great gift ideas, but I am still sold on the mini-van. I love my Jeep Liberty and just never wanted to be a Mini-Van driver (not that there is anything wrong with that, lol!). Seriously awesome list :)

Brenna said...

I can't tell if you're joking so I'm confused about whether you'll make fun of me when I buy that fleece muumuu. I work from home, my husband keeps the heat at 65. I just want to stop shivering.

Allison said...

You do realize that this article also applies to any Apple product as well...you know, like the iPhone and iPod you mentioned above? The same clause is in your Apple agreements. Sooo...your point is moot (and a little uninformed).

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lennie said...

Just purchased your book as a great gift for MYSELF!! Thank you for making me laugh, and always letting me know that I am not the only one who finds most people to be crazy and worthy to be punched.

Jen Piwtpitt said...

Brenna, I couldn't be more serious about the fleece muumuu. You will never want to take it off.

Unknown said...

Ok, I can't resist the Bic Lady Pens! It sounds like some new pop song. I had to follow the link to see if you were making this one up. Since I'm a pen/pencil/marker hoarder, I will need to get these for my stocking.

I'm thinking of the goat for my father-in-law. I mean, what doesn't say Merry Christmas like a goat! Maybe my dad would enjoy the goat. He had a pet goat as a child and it pissed my grandmother off so much that they ate it for supper one weekend.

TNMom said...

Great list! Funny comments! I seriously want some of the pens and damnit, I think I am going to spring for them. I fill my own stocking anyways - usually with deoderant and crap. Devan

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