People I Want to Punch in the Throat: John Mayer

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John Mayer

I'm a dooooo-uche.
Am I the only one who thinks John Mayer is acting like a pussy?  Have you read about his interview with Rolling Stone magazine where he bitched that Taylor Swift "humiliated" him with her song "Dear John?"

WTF, John?  First of all, where have you been for the last couple of years?  It was so nice when you were gone.  Second of all, when did you become such a whiny bitch?  Come on!

Look, I'm not a Taylor Swift fan and I've never even listened to the song "Dear John."  I would have never even heard about it if John didn't cry about it, but now I have and of course I have something to say.

I have never been a fan of John Mayer.  I knew his type from the first time I saw him:  Douche bag with a capital "D."  He's a smarmy player and he's full of shit.  He's not even that good looking and every article I read about him makes him sound like someone with a brain injury, but he does look like he'd know his way around the Red Room of Pain.  Actually, that's probably not even true, from what I've read, he's really only good at masturbating and alluding to his allegedly giant tool.

He's dated lots of high profile ladies and he's got a real reputation for lovin' them and leavin' them and blabbin' about them.  I don't even know why Taylor would let that sleazeball in her bed, but that's beside the point.  She was probably thinking about the Red Room and the nine inches he keeps bragging about.  She was young and I'm assuming he has a line or two that seem to work wonders, because he's seduced a crap load of chicks.  My guess is since he's such a douche, his pick up line is "Your body is a wonderland."  Barf.  If Taylor fell for that line, she gets a pass due to her age and lack of life experience.  We've all done stupid things at 19.

Meanwhile, he was a 31 year old guy romancing a 19 year girl who had built her empire on writing songs to boyfriends who dumped her.  What did he expect her to do?  Write down her pain in her diary and save it?  Send him a Hallmark card to let him know that she was hurting?  Call her mom?

I also think it's interesting that her lyrics took him by surprise - that he had no idea she felt that way.  I'm going to go ahead and call "Bullshit" on that one.  Of course he knew.

This is my number one complaint about guys like John Mayer.  I may not have any experience with rock stars - OK, really no experience - but I have a shit ton of experience with douche bags and they all act the same way.  They break up with you like a dick.  Either by cheating on you or they say something stupid like, "You're too good for me.  Let's stay friends OK?  Because I really need you in my life.  You are so special to me."  Fuck you.

My guess is John Mayer is the type to want to keep in touch, but Taylor did not.

She'd just had her heart broken by a total dickwad.  Of course she didn't text him or email him.  She wrote a fucking song, because that's what she does.

And now I hope she writes another one.  I hope she calls it "Dear John, Does Your Vagina Hurt?"

108 comments:

Shelley in So. IL said...

Love this. Can't wait to read the comments!

Amelia said...

Precisely. And lets not forget that his penis is racist, but he isn't. Throat punch for sure.

Desiree said...

I thought the same thing when I saw the article. Thank you for calling him on it!

Just Me said...

I thought the same thing yesterday when I read that in the paper. I remember when the rumor was that they were dating, and he allegedly told her she better never write a song about him.

How'd that work out, asshat? LOL

Sarah said...

He's like the leader of all the douchebag guys out there.
He's like Captain Douche Canoe, I bet they have a secret handshake.

AKA Jane Random said...

That last line you wrote? That's a keeper. I mean...there are several times while reading this article that I laughed out loud but the last line sealed the deal.

Erin830 said...

Thank you for confirming the way I feel about this jerk off. I have always thought he was a hack, a douche bag, and not even a very good looking one at that! Can he just go away for a few more years again? And yes, I'm sure his vagina does hurt!

Kayla Arnolts said...

jen - this interview with john mayer really burned my ass. i do love t-swift and that song is a pretty good one. john should realize that it isn't the song that's humiliating, it's humiliating to him that taylor laid his shit bare before he had a chance to run his own mouth about it. it's humiliating to him that he didn't get to tell his side of it first and embarrass the shit out of her. i read what he said and thought, he knows he's an asshole and now he's trying to not apologize for it by saying someone else (taylor) is a bigger asshole. please, guy. get the F over yourself, and soon. you think it's ironic that god made you mute recently? it seems like a taste of some of that poetic medicine... besides, i don't think she owed him a break just because he was already feeling shitty about himself. thank you for punching this guy! hope he doesn't go to rolling stone and cry to them about how you humiliated him again... since he's such a softie these days...

DrNic said...

My thoughts exactly! After everything he's said about these women he's "dated" (lets call it what it is...being a man-whore) he has the balls to be such a whiny baby?!?!?
Kudos to Taylor for calling him on his stupid behavior. I'm sure he's the type that wants to "keep in touch" for that late-night booty call when the chick his pickup lines DIDN'T work on gave him the finger.

Anonymous said...

Yep, a real douche canoe!! Or her next song could be titled, Dear John, Can I Buy You a Box of Tampons???

spymay said...

((snort)) Captain Douche Canoe

colleen said...

I'm embarrassed that I did like him when I was 19 (We've all done stupid things at 19.) but I can say now that I've learned what a complete d-bag he is. Thanks for the enlightenment and I'm glad that Taylor was able to turn the tables and lay his douchiness for all to see.

Kristin said...

Ha! He is a douchebag and I agree - he always has been. I say good for Taylor Swift for calling him out and making money off of it.

BetseeT said...

Okay. I so like need to hear this song now. Oh, and my body's not a wonderland so step off.

Julie said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!

Momma loves Oreos said...

WORD!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, I freaking love the crap out of you right now. Are we related? Because we have the same crazy sense of humor. Everything you write makes me piss in laughter. You. Are. Awesome.

GurleyGirl said...

Attacking Taylor Swift is like punching a kitten. Have we learned nothing from Kanye? I mean, pretty much nothing, but at least that.

Shannon said...

Best comment ever. Captain Douche Canoe is what I will call him from now on!!

zeebling said...

Dear John Mayer,

Um, I don't totally hate Taylor Swift (some of her songs are kinda catchy, dammit!) but I didn't know that song was about you and I didn't care. Also, it came out two years ago and you're just whining about it now? Um.....maybe because no one gives a shit about you? You're going all Ted Nugent on us? Trying to stay relevant? Well guess what asshat, you're not. Fuck off.

just keep swimming said...

You had me at John Mayer. I don't care what he's bitching about right now, the stupid racist ass deserves to be punched for so many good reasons. You rock!!!

Anonymous said...

Crying. Holding my sides. Had to pull over while driving to finish reading (guess I should've done that in the first place). Your last line is my new line for 2012. You Are Hilarious!

MissFreestyle said...

I know I should be living in the moment of John Meyer being the current biggest ass clown of all time, after watching the Today show, I think he has been dethroned by Chris Brown.

susan said...

As usual Jen you are spot on! What an jackass!

Tanya said...

I laughed out loud several times while reading this. I completely agree! He just want other women out there to know how shit went down with him and Taylor. The thing is, if he had just kept his mouth shut, people may not have known that the song was even about him. That makes him a DUMB Douche!!

pamb said...

Turn about is fair play, John. Your remarks that Jessica Simpson was 'sexual napalm' were beyond rude. He never apologized to her, did he? I remember Jessica was on Oprah shortly after, and said he hadn't contacted her. How 'sensitive'.

Taylor Swift has a reputation for writing about her life and relationships in her songs; everyone knows that. John should have known what was coming, and didn't care.

I have a feeling that Taylor thought that she'd be different, she'd change him, etc. He treated her badly, and unlike Jessica Simpson, she stood up for herself in public. Good for her.

My favorite part of the Rolling Stone article is when he whines that he didn't deserve that (being written about) as if he hasn't written songs about exes. Didn't he write a song on the last album called 'sexual warfare' or something like that?

Siobhan said...

Agreed!! I think he's creepy. And I think she's very talented, not that I would necessarily call myself a fan. But isn't that what writers do.. write what they know? I think she should get all eminem on him and really rip him a new one.

Amanda said...

I think as a public service, you should link to Taylor's Dear John song. The song which none of us have heard before now sounds like a compelling listen.
http://youtu.be/UF3u1q_T8aw

Anonymous said...

Not to get all feminist here, but "Dear John, does your vagina hurt?" assumes that as Captain Douche Canoe he has a vagina, making him a woman.. that's insulting to all our kind!
Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Betty White "Why do people say 'Grow some balls'? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina! Those things take a pounding!"

Kevin said...

Wait...John Mayer is straight??

www.whowouldathought-Kevin.blogspot.com

Leslie said...

I MUST comment on this. So I live in Montana, in close vicinity to the fedora-wearing, scraggly-hair Johnny Depp wannabe (not that I like Depp that much either). I saw him out at a swanky-ish (Remember this IS Montana, but I love it) bar last Saturday. Huddled at a corner table, rocking his dirty fedora and looking like he hadn't showered in a week and most likely been on some sort of pain meds for twice as long. He looked pretty beat up. And I was too busy thinking about his nastiness to scope out his groupies that were with him. Next time, for sure.

It's good thing he's Captain Douche Canoe because there are a ton of awesome rivers out here where he can set sail and maybe go missing.

And THAT's what happens when you start a rant before you've had coffee in the morning.

Sarah said...

Now if we could just turn his ugly fedora into a captains hat we'd be set. haha Ahoy matey's!

mod mom beyond indiedom said...

Haha! I just downloaded the ajohn Mayer RS but haven't read it yet. My first thought was "what a dick head" and my second was "what a wuss". And, he's trying too hard to be Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp he will never be. Not by a long shot. he sucks and I hate his wimpy music. Oh shit! As I sit here in the hair salon typing this, guess who just started crooning out of the speakers? There is no escape from this dreck. When I took my kid to see American Idiot on Broadway (Billie Joe Armstrong was starring). They announced that the part would instead be played by John Mayer. After an excruciating silence, followed by booing, the announcer copped to the joke. There was never so much audible relief and cheering in a room.

Anonymous said...

"Dear John" was on Taylor's album released in 2010. He only chose to talk about it now, because his album was just released and he's hoping people will flock to buy it to see if there is a rebuttal. Another reason to put him on the douche list.

Anonymous said...

Haters gonna hate...Meyer has nailed every hot piece of ass in Hollywood...good for you bro. Swag for days, you be you, and f the haters.

Linda said...

Super douche considering he wrote a song about Jennifer Aniston. Don't ask me which one.
On another blog I follow someone left a comment once that her friend had a one stand with him and he made her listen to his music while they had sex. I totally believe it!!!

karen said...

Dear John: I can't find your huge dick in all the sand in your vagina.

Sheric said...

I LOVED this post! When reading the comments I wondered about the racist penis so I googled. Number one on the google list is an article in huff post about the douchiest things John Mayer has ever said. I think that solidifies his leadership of the douches.

megan said...

I've always felt the same way about him... you don't fool me with your sappy, whiny "love" songs, Douchey McDoucherson.

imbogus1 said...

Huh Huh ...you said smarmy ! Maybe her vagina hurt and her pain made her insane in the membrane causing her to shit out another lousy song about her pitiful life.

imbogus1 said...

Ooooppps, sorry this was about the other douche this time. Well said !!

Sarah said...

John Mayer! I didn't know you read Jenn's blog! Way to throw us off by spelling your name wrong... but only douche bags use the word swag. You gave it away!

The Helgerahn's said...

Amen Sister!

Sarah said...

i have hated John Mayer ever since he talked about Jessica Simpson. And I really hate that song about where he sings about him and all his friends "Waitin' on the world to change'. That's a GREAT attitude. Just sit around and wait on the world to change. Cause that's worked in the past. LAZY!!

Christie said...

I think Adele needs to date him next so she has plenty of material for her next album.

Anonymous said...

Love it, Sarah! (I'm a different anonymous who is too lazy to register!)

Krysti said...

YES YES YES YES YES. I saw that and it pissed me off. I do like Taylor Swift, but even if I didn't, who whines about a song that's written about their douche-baggery like a year later? It doesn't make me feel sorry for you, it makes you look like a jackass. No matter how much he "works" on himself, he's still an ass.

Submommy said...

Yep yep and yep.

All girls/women have had similar experiences. What these guys don't realize is that every time they pull that kind of bullshit, they make it harder for themselves down the line. It's not quite on the grand scale of People magazine and iTunes downloads, but it's the same nonetheless. Their reputation precedes them, eventually.

My husband and his roommate at the time called when guys pulled this kind of crap "The Treatment." In other words, the cowardly douche version of a breakup. I'd be surprised if he even had a conversation with her about it. He probably just stopped calling, and when she called he would be distant and short with her.

I'm personally looking forward to using him as an example of who NOT to date when I have this conversation with my daughter.

Anonymous said...

Jen,

I couldn't have said it better myself. I do like Taylor Swift. She's a class act.

He's a royal jerk...but you said it so much better. Totally agree with you. I don't understand how he gets the hot girls....even though he's supposedly "gifted"! LOL! Just the fact that he's been with half of Hollywood would turn me right off.......ewwww.

Waaaaaaaah John Mayer! Man up dude....grow up!

~Mary

Nicole said...

This is one of my favorite blogs you've ever written! HILARIOUS!!! Short, sweet, and to the point-Douche.

Cyndi said...

Amen to Captain Douche Canoe! Seriously.

I mean, come on. That album came out 20 months ago. 20 MONTHS. It took you that long to whine about it?

That's all I have to say.

Oh, and thanks for the link of the 15 douchiest things he's ever said - it confirmed my feelings for him.

Anonymous said...

Totally unrelated, but the ad popping up at the bottom of my screen is from Amazon featuring 3 different Elf on the Shelf packages. Oh, the irony!

Anonymous said...

I agree with you on all points! I also have no idea how he has landed all of these high profile, beautiful ladies...he is not all that!

Anonymous said...

Bahhahhahahaaa! That's my totally educated, well thought out response to this piece. Daryce

Brenna said...

I haven't laughed so hard in a long time, Sarah. That was awesome! From the Captain Canoue to the secret handshake.

Laurie Tester said...

This post is perfection! I, too, think he is a giant Douche. I've also never heard that song, nor listen to Taylor. Can we all punch him in the throat?

Anonymous said...

I'm not alone! I thought I was the only person that abhorred this asshole!

"he's really only good at masturbating and alluding to his allegedly giant tool." He IS a giant tool! He's the whole fucking toolbox!

Life with Claire said...

Yes, I agree he is a romantic douche.I wouldn't have known the song was even about him. "L"! To answer your question...where has he been? He was diagnosed with a throat condition called Granuloma. He has had surgeries but it came back again. He cannot sing hasn't been able to for over a year. As much as I want to punch him I kinda feel bad for the guy.

fabootay said...

Whoa...wait...what? Is that something that actually came out of his mouth? I have to Google this post haste!

Tesse said...

Ohhh, this post reminded me of the best (worst?) douche bag break up - now I think I need chocolate to recover. Long story short - I went on a work trip for a week, came back, went to BF's house, and found my toothbrush in the trashcan and he was "busy". 2 months later I ran into him on a City street and gave him a piece of my mind. Still a douche.

The Workman Fire Family said...

OMG I snorted tea just now! I am SO glad that somebody (well, a whole flippin' buncha somebodys by the number of comments!) agrees with me on that guy! What. A. Fuckin. TOOL. He's not even remotely sorta cute. His songs are all about him bestowing the gift of himself on some poor unsuspecting woman then screwing her over. He's a giant, Duggar-sized douch-canoe on the river Styx. He's, well, I'd better stop, since last night I found out the man I married is a fan (WTF?!). Suffice to say - LOVE the post!

Briana said...

I posted it on his wall so he can read about how douchey he is...lol. Thanks for the laugh!

fabootay said...

That was disgusting. It wasn't bad enough that he is a douche bag creeper..noooo...he needs to add racist on top.

Anonymous said...

True dat, but 'being a prick' is kind of the same slam - gender-wise. I almost got semi-offended till I thought about that. Now on to more important things...I think I need to go listen to that song Ms. Swift wrote.

Christi Long said...

I thought I was the only one too who thought that asshat was a total douche! Yay, it's good to know we're not alone, not by a long shot!!!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant!!!

thecubicleviews.com said...

I've always been a fan of your writing but this one sentence has solidified that: I've never been a fan of John Mayer.

Talented? Sure. But he's always had that "I'm way too cool for all you dipshits" attitude.

Sarah said...

Best.Idea.Ever.

suzzsuki said...

Hurray for the throat punch to John Mayer!!! I've been wanting to punch that tool for years! I love how he got a little taste of his own medicine and now he's all butt hurt over it

Sally said...

I love JM musically and I think he is nice to look at. Having said that, I admit I identified with you remarkably concerning his mouthing off about Taylor. Before he started talking about the song people were still speculating whether it was about him at all. There was no real evidence in the media that they had anything together other than a duet. I always think his lyrics and music make him sound deep and contemplative, then he opens his mouth to a reporter and it all goes up in smoke.

The Mighty V said...

OOOH...that's who John was. Glad he put that out there for everyone. From a writer of a stupid song about running in hallways [and checking out the underage girls] of high schools to Douche in 0.03 seconds.

Julie Pietropinto said...

I would like to thank you for the much needed laugh. I'd say he's a major douche. Dear John, does your vagina hurt? OMG. Hysterical.

Life with Claire said...

he is still asshat when he opens his mouth to speak but when he sings...i kinda like it! =P

Anonymous said...

Yea, totally awesome to pussify women who already have a hard time breaking normative conceptions of how they respond to break-ups. Many women respond to a breakup the way John has in this article.... and many other women light a guy's shit on fire or drag it to the curb for the garbage men.

I'm not sticking up for him; he deserves everything he gets. But if you intend to sound intelligent, or at very least, if the goal is not to perpetuate gender stereotypes, you might cut back on the demeaning pussification discourse. Unless of course you think there's something pussy-like about having a vagina. No pun intended.

Marta said...

Not being a Taylor Swift listener I immediately spotified the song to hear about his douchiness. Because is a giant Dbag. And really he's not even that attractive. Also. I hope she does write a song about his vagina.

skooter8 said...

I have never listened to his music and after seeing an interview with him couldn't figure out how someone so obnoxious and douchy could get all those women?!!! I don't know much about Taylor Swift either but the fact that she is a young girl and he is an old creeper, I give her a break for being sucked in by such a tool.

Anonymous said...

OMG! Thank you so much for this post! I've disliked John Mayer ever since that douchey song about the bubble gum lips (I mean, was he chewing on them?!) I haven't really kept up on his personal life but after hearing his songs I never had the desire to hear him on the radio, see him on the tv or in print. I believed that any attention including negative attention was wasted on this boy and would only encourage more douchiness on his part. But this was spot on!

Anonymous said...

He may be a jerk but his music is AMAZING.

lkbrntt said...

Ahhhh I wrote about this douche canoe on my Facebook last night. Little country girl schooled his punk ass and I LOVE it!

Anonymous said...

Dying! Shaking and crying. with laughter! Husband thinks I'm nuts. Tried to read it out loud to him and couldn't get through it. Sooooo FN funny!

Roe said...

I think he sucks all the way around. I am so glad that karma bit him right in his ass.

Anonymous said...

John...John...John...do us all a favor and ZIP IT! No tact, low class..you got what was coming to you. And to think u r EGO is so enormous, that this song is even about you! "You're so Vain" comes to mind..Capitol "D" FER SURE!

Anonymous said...

How about a "kick" to the throat? I just don't think a punch would get his attention...!

Ali said...

Taylor has never publicly admitted that this song was about John...I'm pretty sure she's never even confirmed they had a relationship. If John Mayer thinks this song is about him, perhaps he has a guilty conscience. Perhaps she should record 'you're so vain' for her next album.

Erika said...

It would be totally awesome if she came out and said "yeah, we had a thing, but it barely registered in my conscience. This song is about someone else." You're so vain. You probably think this song is about you.

Erika said...

My worse break-up was when my friend, who was the guy's roommate, called to tell me that the guy was getting married that day. Granted, we weren't particularly serious or anything, but married? Seriously? At least call me yourself. The best part was when when we were both in my sister's wedding and had to dance together. The pictures of that moment are nothing short of awesome. My sister finds the look on my face MOST amusing.

Anonymous said...

There are many things I could say (that I'm sure more clever people will say) but I just was wondering: 19 and 31, isn't that illegal in some states and nauseating in the rest? Her MOM/DAD should give him a swift punch in the crock!

Tazi-Kat said...

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU a million times thank you for this post!!!!!! I have been calling that tool a douche-bag for longer than I can remember, and every woman I know has told me "No he's not! And he's sooooo handsome!" Handsome? I have chunks in my litterbox that look better than him!

He is also the record holder for winning more "Tazi Paw-Slaps of Disgust" than anyone else on the planet! You need to offer him a few more throat punches, just to wipe that ever-present smug look off of his face!

Anonymous said...

Had a friend who met him and some roommates in Atlanta years ago. His contribution to the evening? Pretending to hump the pizza they ordered. Impressive. WTH?

Cheryl said...

He is a tool. He can take his 9 inches, flip it to the back and eff him self up the ass for all I care. He's just mad because someone FINALLY called him out. He's trying to get himself back into the limelight by being a man-whore, since his its the only way he can stay relevant. God knows it's not his music.

pinkunderbelly said...

Any post that repeatedly uses the word "douche bag" is all right with me. Punch that douche bag in the throat already!

RachRiot said...

He needs more than a punch in the throat. He needs a punch in the taco. A wham bam right in the lady clam. Some cootchie carnage. Ok I'll stop now.

M said...

This blog is ridiculous. You are all a bunch of bullies. Go live your life and do something positive instead of writing about People that you wanna punch in the throat!

Susan said...

I agree! Thought maybe he'd gone back to being 15!

Anonymous said...

You're an idiot. You do realize that the age 18 renders one completely legal, in every state, with the exception of access to alcohol, correct?

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing this! I thought I was the only one who felt this way!

Anonymous said...

I've always loved Betty White but now I think I love her more!

angela thomas said...

I. LOVE. THIS.

Anonymous said...

The blog clearly states what it's contents are about...yet you not only come and read it but take the time to post about not liking it?! REALLY?! WHO needs to get a life?!?!

Anonymous said...

whoever wrote this is just jealous!!!

mik1224 said...

I remember when he talked about Jessica Simpson. What does "sexual napalm" even mean anyway?

Anonymous said...

What's wrong with having a vagina? Is ascribing female traits to someone really your biggest insult?

Kadie said...

It appears John Mayer *AND* his aching vagina made it to your blog. Nice try, "Anonymous."

Bree Marsden said...

Oh, poor John Mayer! Quick, someone call the WHAAAAmbulance!

Annie Boreson said...

This is ridiculous. They are both douche bags...with or without a vagina.

PediNP said...

PIWTPITT at your best! Love when you take these "celebrities" to task. Keep it coming. How about Beyonce's unflattering pix that her publicist wanted taken off the internet? Way to make it go viral....

Jennifer Peters said...

Completely agree!

painterlynne said...

the song is really good.... don't you think I was too young to mess with? The girl in the dress cried all the way home...

thisisazy said...

I've never formed an opinion on either of these singers as individuals; and, after having read this (as well as the included sources), I'm certain I would've been entirely too fine with remaining in that blissful state of ignorance.

You've corrupted my brain; I shall now be even less tolerant (if that's possible) of those horribly whiney songs he sings.

As for Taylor: Never underestimate the power of writer's block. It'll make you do crazy things in pursuit of inspiration. She knew what he was, and my guess is she was counting on him behaving exactly as was expected. Maybe crazy, but maybe crazy like a fox. My money's on the latter.