The People Joining Me at Wal Mart Today

Today I went to WM because I had a bit of a problem the other night.  I bought 4 bags worth of stuff and got home with only 3.  I didn't realize it until the next day and when I called they said to bring my receipt and they'd replace the items that didn't make it home.  I thought that was pretty awesome.  I love Target, but I just can't see them being so nice about my mistake.

I realize Wal Mart is like Mecca for white trash, but I live near a NICE Wal Mart.  My Wal Mart is clean and bright.  You see designer handbags in shopping carts and fancy SUVs in the luxurious parking lot.  I don't even think my Wal Mart sells guns!

So today I was a little surprised by what I saw:  white trash style mixed with conservative Christian sensibilities.  I guess it makes sense - the Fourth of July IS coming and these are the two types of people who really embrace this holiday more than the rest of us.  Flags and explosives, it's like Kuntry Kristmas in Kansas (well, Missouri really, because we can't have fireworks in the city limits over here).

As I was walking into WM, (read: slogging through 90+ degree heat - ugh!)  I noticed a few trucks in the parking lot with "decorations" that perturbed me.  That and the weather put me in a mood.  I walked in looking for a fight.  I didn't get one from Customer Service (thank you, Wal Mart!) so instead I had to walk through the store looking for people who irritated me while I found the items I was missing.  Here's what I came up with:

Stay classy lady, thanks for the warning.

1.  People with "decorations" on their car.  I'm talking about the guy with the decal on the back window of his Ford.  The decal shows Calvin (of Calvin & Hobbes fame) urinating on the Chevy emblem.  Classy.  Another guy had Truck Nutz hanging from his trailer hitch.  Sexy.  I wonder what kind of women are attracted to these guys?  I can only imagine if the Hubs had picked me up for our first date and he had Truck Nutz swinging from his Chevy.  Needless to say, I don't think we'd be where we are today.

2.  Bumper Stickers I saw that irked me:
Welcome to America, Now Speak English!  (Last I checked America doesn't have an official language.)
Pro Life, Pro Gun, Pro God  (God doesn't want us to kill a fetus, but you can shoot anyone on your property - or God's beautiful animals, stuff them and hang them in the living room.)
Motherhood:  A Proud Profession  (Would a doctor put this on her car?  Pediatric Heart Surgeons:  We've Got the Beat.  Why are mothers the only ones who feel a need to broadcast to the world that they're doing a tough job, but they're proud of it?  I guess it's better than the double entendre ones like Teachers Do It With Class.)

3.  I counted 3 mullets. Two were on women.

4.  I saw a mother slap her one year old and say, "Quit yer crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"  I thought that saying went out in the '70s!  I hope she wasn't the one with the motherhood bumper sticker.

5.  I think I caught a guy shoplifting.  I can't be sure, but I came around a corner in the men's department and he moved quickly and looked guilty.  He was in the underwear section.  Underwear is expensive as crap - even at WM.  It's like 2 bucks per tighty whitey.  If he's desperate enough to steal underwear, I'm not going rat him out.  He was probably the guy with the OBummer sticker on his car.

6.  I saw a mom and her 13 year old daughter who was wearing short shorts with "Juicy" on her ass.  Her mom must not read this blog.  They were in the Family Planning aisle looking at pregnancy tests.  Nah, they weren't, but THAT would have been classic!!  They were buying hair spray.  Boring.

7.  LOTS of bathing suits today under various forms of cover up.  It was hot out, no doubt.  But that doesn't give women who are built like me the excuse to shop in nothing but shorts and a bikini top.  Yikes.  It also doesn't give hot women the right to show us non-hot women what we don't have.

8.  A man who got irritated with me when I nicely asked his child to get up off the floor in the middle of the aisle so I could get my cart by.  At first I thought he was mad at the kid, but once I got past his accent (I know which car WASN'T his) I realized he was mad at me for talking to his kid.  Sorreeee.  Get your damn kid out of the aisle.  Next time I'll roll over him like a speed bump.

9.  Foodies.  Every cart I passed seemed to be full of Cheetos Light, Natty Light and hot dogs.  Hope I get invited to that party.

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Malaysia Airlines

Malaysia Airlines has decided to ban babies from their first class cabin.  Wow, bold move.  It's been quite the topic of conversation today and I'm ready to weigh in with my opinion (always, right?).

I think Malaysia Airlines' decision is discriminatory.  Pure and simple.  I have a child, not a communicable disease.

Passengers traveling with small children are already made to feel like pariahs and now Malaysia Airlines has pretty much told us that we are.  We belong in "the back" of the plane with the riff raff who can't afford to be in first class.  What do coach passengers think of this?  They're basically being told you suck too, so you get all the crying babies so the 14 people in first class can travel in their cone of silence.

Well, screw you Malaysia Airlines.  If I have the money to buy a first class seat for me and my baby you can kiss my (rich) ass.  I'm sooooo sorry I'm disturbing your precious business passengers.

Have you ever thought about how the average business/non family traveler disturbs me and my kids?

For example:

The guy who treats his flight like it's an excuse to drink for 14 hours straight.  He slurs his words, spills his drinks in his lap, hits on the flight attendants and just makes a complete ass of himself.  "If I compliment you on your body, will you hold it against me?"

The woman who can't stop yapping on her cell phone at top volume until the flight attendant finally tells her she has to turn if off.  "Yeah, I gotta go, apparently, I'm breaking the rules.  Whatever.  I'll call you as soon as we touch down.  Yeah, I know they don't like that either.  But what are they going to do at that point?  Throw me off the plane?  Please do!  I'll get to the office faster.  Haha.  Ciao."

The two guys traveling together, but they don't want to sit together because their knees might touch and they think that might make them gay.  So instead one guy stands in the aisle with his ass in my face the entire way while he yuks it up with his buddy.  "I totally know what you mean, dude, Jeter was fricking awesome the other night!"  (High five.)  Douche.

The woman across the aisle who taps away on her laptop for hours at a time.  Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, ugh.  I bet she's not even working, she's probably playing Angry Birds.

My all-time favorites though, are the the guy who takes off his shoes and knocks the entire plane unconscious with the odor and/or the woman who won't close the damn window shade when everyone's trying to keep the cabin dark.  What is she looking at???  It's clouds as far as the eye can see!

And don't forget about the jackwad who reclines his seat into your lap.  "Sorry.  Bad back."   I want to stretch my legs out on his reclined seat and say, "Sorry.  Leg cramp."

Yeah, my kids have been known to kick a seat or two in front of them.  I stop them as soon as I notice and apologize to the person in front of us (unless it's the above jackwad, then I just let them kick away).  Yes, my kids have cried on an airplane.  Their ears hurt and they didn't know how pop them.  Once my kid had to pee into a sippy cup on an airplane because the flight attendant wouldn't let us up due to the lit seat belt sign.  I was ready to let my 4 year old do his business on the floor (We were going to land in 20 minutes so what did I care?), but lucky for United I had an empty sippy cup and it was my boy which made it a hell of lot easier to catch in a cup!  (I actually got a round of applause for my ingenuity on that one.)

I'm not saying it's a real pleasure to share an airplane cabin with me and my kids, but screw you, you're not a dreamboat either.  If Malaysia Air wants to ban babies, then they have to ban stinky feet and drunk guy too, it's only fair.

Egalia

Today I was perusing the news and I found this article about a preschool in Sweden called Egalia.

"Egalia."  That sounds like a far away land in a fairy tale where everyone gets along doesn't it?  NO!  Fairy tales are not allowed in Egalia.  They have derogatory gender roles and fairy tales are NEVER to be mentioned in Egalia.  Instead, there are books about two male giraffes who are partners, but they're sad because they don't have a child and then they adopt a crocodile egg.  Egalia is a magical place where all the children will grow up without gender bias because they're not allowed to use the words "him" (han) or "her" (hon).  Instead they've made up their own word:  "hen" (it???).  That way when a visitor comes the children can imagine a male or a female coming by. Or a hermaphrodite, I suppose.

I'm truly exhausted reading about all the hoops one must jump through to keep this school genderless.  Kitchens are placed next to Legos, books are all about two mothers or two fathers or single parents or adoption.  When you look at the pictures with this article it appears they even make the kids dress genderless.  Looks like my dress-wearing princess and my light saber-wielding Jedi would NOT fit in here.

I bet Storm's parents are ready to sign him up.  This sounds like some stupid school they'd want to send their kid to.  I wonder if the admissions form for Egalia has a place to check "other" or "not disclosed" for sex of the student.  If they don't, they'd better get on that!  That would be a bit embarrassing when Storm's parents choose to enroll hen.

What is Sweden thinking?  Why do they think this school is a good idea?  What kind of future adults will they have?  We all know, genderless basically means pussy-whipped.  What Sweden is doing is raising a bunch of boys who lack balls - or from the looks of the picture, a bunch of clowns (Am I the only one who is reminded of clowns??  Who else dresses like that?).  They're also raising a bunch of girls who will have crew cuts and wear overalls every day and dig wells for a living while the boys clean house.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm trying very hard to raise my kids to be respectful of all people and other lifestyles, but honestly.  This is a bit much.  Sweden is going to screw these kids up.  They can't just take words out of their vocabulary and think that will make the kids all the same.  They're not the same.  Girls and boys are different.  You can teach them to respect and understand one another, but you can't just turn them all into androgynous little people and think it won't have lasting repercussions.  It's lucky Sweden has socialized medicine because the therapy bills are going to be high.

On one hand, I understand what Egalia is trying to do.  I tried to raise my kids pretty gender neutral.  We had lots of different toys to expose them to.  My son had a play kitchen and a baby doll, my daughter learned to sword fight and say "Arrgh" before she could walk.  I never put my son in any clothes with sport teams on them and my daughter's room was red and black - NO PINK!  These choices weren't about gender neutrality, they were personal.  I don't like sporty baby wear and I hated pink at the time.

That being said, my kids still grew up to be all boy and all girl.  I think it's better to embrace each individual child's interests rather than trying to force them all into gender neutral boxes.

My boy is the boy who chewed his sandwich into a gun when he was about 18 months old.  His first word was "ball" and he could swing a bat and make contact with a pitch when he was 2.  He became obsessed with pirates when he was 3 and carried that obsession for the next two and a half years.  He swashbuckles, builds fantastical vehicles out of Legos, obsesses over Star Wars and draws picture books filled with monsters.  He is also one of the kindest and warmest kids (boy or girl!) you'll ever meet.  He has an enormous heart and he's a gentle soul who tries very hard not to hurt anyone's feelings.  He is a wonderful big brother and is always loving to his little sister.

My girl is a princess who refuses to wear jeans or shorts, because they're not "cute."  She prefers skorts or dresses and today asked me if I could buy her heels (I declined).  She begs me to let her wear lip gloss and carry a purse.  Her first word was "hair bow".  And because she loved to wear them so much I started a small side business where I made her bows and sold the extras to people who would stop me in Target to ask me where I got them.  Her second word was "pink" and she is rarely seen without something pink on her body (sometimes it's just her bows so I can get her out the door).  She's girly and loves to dress up and she loves stuffed animals.  But this girl is tough and strong willed.  When she plays with her dolls, she is not their Mommy, she is their Big Sister and she prefers to let her brother babysit her dolls because she's "too busy at work" to watch them.  She is sassy, opinionated and loud.  Some might call her bossy.  (We do.)  We must work with her daily on showing compassion and helping her understand that "pretty" is the way she behaves, not the way she looks.  She nods and says, "I know, I know.  Now hand over the lip gloss."

These two kids would be kicked out of Egalia and I would be thrilled.

I'm So Over These People

I CANNOT read another headline about any of the following people:

1. Pippa Middleton.  Honestly, what is the big deal about this girl?  I think Catherine is sooo much prettier and SHE'S the one who will be Queen someday, the best she can hope for is Prince Harry.  If I read one more time about Pippa shopping or her darling figure I'm going scratch my eyes out.  Enough already.

2.  Lindsay Lohan.  I think by now everyone who reads this blog knows how I feel about her.  I just wish she'd OD already and go away.

3.  Selena Gomez/Demi Lovato.  I can't keep these two straight.  One punched her back up singer.  OK, I'll give her props for that.  That was kind of funny.  One is dating the Biebs.  Not funny.  One's a cutter. One keeps going in and out of the hospital.  They both sing and they're both Disney chicks.  I think Miley hates them both, but I hate Miley so much that she doesn't even get her own number on my list.  Luckily, she's been under the radar so I haven't had to see her so much.

4.  Justin Bieber.  Is he a boy or is he a girl?  I can see why the lesbians like this kid.  He looks like a pretty, kind of butch lesbian.  Did you see the pics of him in Hawaii with Selena?  I felt bad for him.  He is downright scrawny.  He really needed a shirt.

5.  Nicole Kidman.  What the hell happened to her?  I'm not a fan AT ALL of Tom Cruise's but it seems like he really got her best years.  She's so Botox'd now that NOTHING on her face moves.  It's really disturbing to watch.  I also hate her hair blonde and then she wears all these pale, muted colors it's like she's trying to disappear.  And what is going on with her older kids?  Why don't they ever see her?  There's more to this story, but honestly, I really don't care.

6.  Fergie.  She's really starting to get too old for what she's doing.  I hate to be an ageist, but it's true.  I don't think you can be over 22 and get away with wearing a light up miniskirt and yelling "Uh, uh, uh" into a mic and call that singing.

7.  Jennifer Aniston.  She peaked with "Friends" and she should fade away gracefully now.  Name one movie she's done that was worth the price of admission and the two hours of your life.

8.  Justin Timberlake.  Yeah, yeah, he can sing, he can dance, he can act.  He's a real triple threat.  But he just looks like he's a total a-hole.  I think he'd be a douche to hang out with and I'm tired of his fashion sense.  He looks like he tries way too hard.

9. Casey Anthony.  This is like the new OJ trial.  We all know she did it and it's beginning to look like she might get away with it.  Hopefully a bus will hit her when she leaves the courthouse.  Karma, baby.

10.  Jackass star Ryan Dunn.  Shocker this guy died in a ball of fire going 140 mph with twice the legal limit of alcohol coursing through his system.  That's like Darwinism at its finest.  After all, this is a guy who swam through raw sewage, he should have drowned on diarrhea.  Come on now, I'm not heartless, I feel bad for the tree he hit.

11.  Tom Hanks.  I only liked him in "Saving Private Ryan."  Every other movie, he's always just Tom Hanks pretending he's someone else.  It's annoying.  Today's he's dancing on Spanish television.  No one should see that.

Donald Trump doesn't make this list because he won't go away.  See why he need a punch in the throat.

Courtney Alexis Stodden AKA "(Media) Whore"

Where do I start with this trainwreck?  This 16 year old girl married the 51 year old owner of her production company.  She's an aspiring singer signed to his production company.  Of course she is.  Her dad is younger than her husband.  Eww.

First of all, I'm not sure I'm buying the whole 16 year old thing.  She looks rough for 16.  I'm beginning to think this whole thing is a publicity stunt for her "music" career.

IF her age is true, this is more than a typical Hollywood May-December romance.  Even the Hef hasn't gone this far!  This girl is 16!!!  That's disgusting.  What does a 16 year old girl know about marriage?  What parent gives consent for this??  Her mother was quoted as saying she's a good Christian girl who was still a virgin on her wedding day.  Big whoopie!  She was 16!  I bet I can find a lot of 16 year old virgins out there.  I'm so glad she was able to hold off until she got married at the ripe old age of 16.

She attends a private, online Christian academy and this is her website.  Where does she keep her Bible when she's wearing only the American flag?

Can you imagine the conversation with her parents when she brought Doug home?

"Mom, Dad, I want you to meet the man of my dreams.  He's 51."

"Courtney Alexis (you know they call her by both names, they're total ultra competitive parents), Daddy is 47."

"I know!  That's why I thought you guys would like him so much - you guys know his kind of music and stuff!  Pretty cool huh?

"Umm....yeah, I guess so..."

"Mom, you didn't listen.  I don't love him or anything.  I said, he's the man of my dreams!  Duh!  Like, he totally owns a production company and he says he can make me STAR!  I just need to marry him so he doesn't look so pervy when we tell the world we're sleeping together.  We'll be married and all our church friends can't say anything bad about us and Wal Mart will carry my CD.  So sign this damn paper."

"Ohhhh why didn't you say so?  Well, now, welcome, sir.  You need me to sign that consent?  No problem.  Las Vegas will let you marry her?  Sounds good to me.  Let's get that wedding planned, she's not getting any younger and her fans are waiting!"

This whole bunch makes me sick.

The husband: Doug Hutchison, is a perv and an idiot and I find him absolutely nauseating to look at.  What 51 year old man thinks a hot, young woman loves him for himself?  Really, Doug?  Come on, we all know it's not your sexy bedroom eyes and fabulous life experience that brings the ladies flocking.  Doug obviously has some cash and he's most certainly promised Courtney Alexis that he WILL make her a star.  C.A. is with this old douche because he can give her something the other juniors in her online classes can't - a Bentley.  And in return he gets her 16 year old hymen - supposedly.  I hear those are worth a lot of money in some circles.

The parents: What can I say?  Of course they signed the consent.  C.A. is their meal ticket and they have no problems with her whoring herself out.  After all, they let her make this video:

WTF?  Apparently they have no qualms about their daughter gyrating in a car like she's got ants in her pants.  P.S. - Her mom can say all she wants that C.A. is "natural".  Those boobs are as natural as C.A.'s blonde hair.

They also let her make this one, where she sings with a dildo.  Oops, I mean large, phallic shaped drink glass that I'm sure is full of Kool Aid:

Courtney Alexis Stodden AKA "(Media) Whore":  This girl is taking way too many acting lessons from Cinemax After Dark.  Yikes.  (Girl, I HOPE you are not 16!)  This girl will stop at nothing to get attention!  These YouTube videos are so disturbing.  Can't they be classified as pseudo kiddie porn??  She has absolutely no talent - well singing, I mean.  It looks like she might be talented in other departments that could also pay the rent.  I think she could work a pole like a pro.  Do you think she learns her moves in classes they teach at her Christian school?  Lip Licking 101?  Boob Thrust for Beginners?  Hair Touching for Dummies?

This wedding (and everything else she does) is obviously a publicity stunt and let me tell ya, it got my attention.  Now go back to school, you trashy POS and stop influencing young girls with your slutty behavior and your unrelenting thirst for fame.

If this was my daughter I would kick her ass - a punch in the throat is too good for her.

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Janet Chiauzzi

Let me begin this post by saying that I get why this woman was upset.  It's disappointing for you when your child is disappointed, because he/she doesn't make a team.  I've been there.  Why do you think I started this blog?  Writing is soooo much cheaper than therapy and court fees.

That being said, this chick is NUTS and I am nothing like her.

I went to my kid's baseball game last night and I got pissed while I was at the game.  I was irritated because I felt like my kid's team was slighted.  My kid plays on a Bad News Bears type of team (before they were good, that is) and they get their asses handed to them regularly.  The kids don't care though.  In fact, they don't even realize that the other teams are much better than them.  Our boys go out there and they have a great time.  What they love the most about a game is being up to bat (what kid doesn't, right?).  So when they play another team, they finally get a chance to get up to bat and play against another team.  They love that.

Last night our rag tag group of 7 (we only have 12 or so total and I don't think we're ever had a complete team yet - our group, myself included, really doesn't take the whole "schedule" thing too seriously) played against a 15 player "machine team" with fancy uniforms right down to their striped socks.  (Side note, my kid's cheapo looking baseball uniform cost me 55 bucks, so I can only IMAGINE what these parents shelled out for their fancy duds.  Probably as much as these parents.)  Someone (the coaches, I assume) decided we wouldn't play 3 outs, we'd go through the entire batting line up to give everyone a chance to bat.  The same genius decided the coaches could give the kids 5-7 tries to hit the ball.  We have one hour and fifteen minutes to play.  You do the math.  The larger team got up 3 times to bat and our team got up twice (if they'd held it to 3 tries to hit the ball, we would have all had 3 times up to bat).  Our team spent three quarters of that game watching the other team's batting practice and sliding into home plate practice (they all slide, even if it is not necessary).  I felt bad for my kid standing out there chasing balls.  The parents in our stands were grumbling a bit, but no one said anything.  You could tell we all decided that as long as the kids were having fun, who cares.

The game ended and every single mother asked her son, "Did you have fun??"  And every single boy replied, "Yeah!"  We all smiled at each other and left...biting our tongues all the way to the car.

THAT'S how it's supposed to be done, Janet!  You don't threaten the coach and his KID!  You moron.  You don't make up accusations that the coach is molesting kids!  You stupid skank.  What did you think was going to happen?  Did you think anyone would believe your load of horse shit?  I thought I had some rage issues, but you really take the cake, lady.

WTF is wrong with these mothers?  It seems like every year or so it crops up that some classy broad (or gentleman, let's not forget the doting dads) attends her kid's pee wee football game and ends up dropping the F-bomb all over the field or brawling with the other team.  What rock do these people live under?!?  I think behavior like this stems from immaturity.  We took the 4 year old girl to the boy's baseball game a few weeks ago.  He struck out and my princess yelled, "Come on!  You can do better than that!!"  If she knew to say "you idiot" she probably would have added that in too - the tone was there.  She's 4. That's how a 4 year old reacts - not a 44 year old.

Don't get me wrong, I can drop the F-bomb as well as anyone else, I just choose not to do it at children's soccer games.  ("Move your fucking ass, Kayleigh!  You guys suck.")  Kids play sports to learn how to get along with one another, to take turns, to have a good attitude when you're winning or losing and to learn a healthy lifestyle.  The kids do a better job than the parents.  The kids are out there encouraging one another and supporting one another, maybe the parents could learn a lesson from THEM.

This just makes me hope and pray that my kids end up on the Math Team and the Chess Club, because you never hear about those parents duking it out.

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Me Because I'm a Crappy Friend

One of my old friends came into town to visit her family and she emailed and asked if I'd have time to see her tonight.  Of course!  I cleared my schedule and went out for a fun night on the town with my good friend.  It was wonderful to see her.  We laughed a lot and traded stories about hubbies and kiddos and made fun of our waitress (who checked on us no fewer than 25 times - Yeah we got everything we need, Sugar/Sweetie/Honey/whatever you want to call me this time around!).

I got home tonight and I kept the Hubs up for an hour regaling him with stories that my friend had told me and going on and on about how good it was to see her again.

Then I logged onto Facebook for one last check to see what everyone was doing at 12:30 am and that's when I saw FB's helpful little blurb on the right hand side reminding me of today's birthdays.  Who do you think was on the list for today??  My friend.  The friend I'd just spent 3 hours with.  The friend who was far too sweet and kind to remind me that I'd forgotten her birthday.  Are you freaking kidding me??

Thanks a lot, Facebook!  All day long I checked FB on my phone and never logged in on my computer!  I never saw it was her birthday.  This doesn't excuse me for being an ass, but I'm still going to blame FB a bit.

FB tailors my advertisements to fit my status updates, don't you think they have the technology where they can read the email from my friend inviting me out tonight and cross reference her name with the names on my birthday list and then send me a text message saying, Hey dummy, it's your friend's birthday tonight, you might want to say something to her!

Nope, they don't have that feature.  Bastards.

OK, I've just been reminded that technically right now is TOMORROW from when we went out and it's her birthday NOW and so I didn't actually miss her birthday.  Apparently, I'm an idiot who can't figure out what time of day the calendar changes.  But still....not cool.

I really need a better system for birthdays.  I forgot the Hubs birthday once too.  The sad thing is, if you forget my birthday I'm a psycho so you'd think I'd make everyone else's a priority.  Nope.  I'm a bastard.

Sorry friend!  It was wonderful to see you and catch up (even if I didn't get to sing Happy Birthday) and I miss you terribly and I wish you still lived close by.

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