In honor of Valentine's Day this week, the Hubs has submitted a guest post for today. He has no filter (this is the man who called our neighbor's 2 year old a liar) so this should be interesting. I've given him absolute freedom to write whatever's on his mind without any edits from me. So here you go:
Congratulations on your blog. I am so happy that you are getting so many people to read it.
I know how everyone loves your lists, so I came up with one myself.
I have 10 very compelling reasons why you really should "spend more time with me."
1. I cook for you and the kids. Don't deny it. You and the kids love my cooking and you'd all starve if I wasn't here. If they wanted everything burnt, they would ask for you.
2. I load and unload the dishwasher. I figure, if I'm
doing all the cooking, I might as well do the clean up while I'm
there.
3. I get up every morning and feed the kids and let you sleep in for an extra 30 minutes of sleep. I'm sure many women would gladly give anything for that.
4. "I love you” and you are the “best and ONLY mother of my children.”
4. "I love you” and you are the “best and ONLY mother of my children.”
5. It is a healthy way to stay in
shape. Everyone needs some cardio, so I am just helping you out with
your workout and looking out for your best interest. I am always looking out for you first.
6. Even though it is a “jungle”
down there, I am still willing to brave that “jungle.” NOTE: I heard that the Brazilians have cutting edge technologies to deal with the jungle. You might want to look into it.
7. I'm SURE it was part of our wedding vows or something. Maybe it was in my head, but that should count.
8. If you “Love” me. "Show" me. Repeat as often as possible.
9. It's only 5 minutes out of your day. Not that I keep track or anything.
9. It's only 5 minutes out of your day. Not that I keep track or anything.
10. I have a GREAT sense of humor. That's why I know you want to "get with me."
Marriage is a give and take. I just give and give and give. I think it's time you did a little giving. I'm sure everyone reading this will agree with me. I deserve a little more "Special Time" with my wonderfully super talented wife.
PS. Consider this your Valentine's gift. Don't ask for a card or a gift this year. Having me as your HUBS should be gift enough.
Wow, OK, Hubs. It's on. Here's my response to you.
Marriage is a give and take. I just give and give and give. I think it's time you did a little giving. I'm sure everyone reading this will agree with me. I deserve a little more "Special Time" with my wonderfully super talented wife.
PS. Consider this your Valentine's gift. Don't ask for a card or a gift this year. Having me as your HUBS should be gift enough.
Wow, OK, Hubs. It's on. Here's my response to you.
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146 comments:
Oh, Lordy! My hubs could have written this, too - minus the part about cooking, cleaning up the dishes and letting me sleep in to feed the kids. Wait! What kind of raw deal did I sign myself up for?!? HAH!
Are you sure my husband didn't write this? Thanks for making me laugh this morning!
Hubs did a great job...now seriously, go give him a little nookie! Sounds like he deserves it!
Very convincing list! A pager?? Haha. I had one too, so I can't tease too much. Come on Jen, tame that jungle for the V-day. You don't need to go all the way to Brazil but just to Walgreen's for a razor and steal his shaving cream. LOL. You guys are too cute. Best of Luck, Hubs!
Pretty sure y'all were made for eachother!!! Keep writing! Loving each and every blog entry! Thanks!
"Maybe it was in my head, but that should count" Classic. I truly lol'd.
5 minutes??? What is it, Christmas? More like 1.5! I say do it, just make that you "enjoy" your "love".
C'mon Jen Give it up!!! if you really want that swaggin' wagon you are gonna have to persuade the Hubs somehow.... he even set a maximum time limit of 5 min! hahahaa
Aside from the jungle bit, which is just SO not the way to go, well done. Best of luck, dude!
You guys are cute together :)
"With my body I thee worship". Yeah, that line was specifically excluded from my vows. I didn't drop out of law school for nothing!
Sounds like my Hubs. I love my husband with all my heart but I can do better, I can come up with a list of 20 reason NOT to spend some quality time together. Pinterest is the first thing that comes to mind.
OMG Jen, if my husband did 1,2 or 3 (never mind all of them, just one) he would be getting some! #6..LMAO...your hubs is a funny guy. You know my waxing lady told me they do brazillians on guys too. Sounds like a fun V-day date, no? Bring the bottle of tequilla with you...lol
#7 yeah, I think they all hear that in their heads. LOL
Tame that jungle girlfriend!!!! Men may like Star Wars but they don't want to visit the Dagobah System when having sexy time with the wife. ;-)
I love it - nice job Punch Hubs!! The Ecard has some great advice too! My hubby always says.."now I know why you were smiling SO big in our wedding photo.." Because you 'showed me loved me' SO many times before the wedding...you're pretty comfortable with less frequency now. lol.... good stuff!
LOL!!!!!!
Man, if I wrote half of those things I would be banned for life!!! Brave man!!
Very funny (though, I think I'd have to retaliate for #6!), your hubs has a great sense of humor, never expected less!
I think my husband may have contributed a few of these...I think I've heard him say half of this on more than one occasion!
This was too funny! :) You two are definitely a match made in heaven.
Bwhahah! this is very much in line with my own blog post from yesterday... GREAT JOB, punch hubs!
Oh my god - my name is Jen too - and I swear that letter could have been written to me by my hubby. He uses ALL those same compelling reasons and more for trying to get "special time." Good to know he's not the only one making this sh*t up as he goes along! :)
I love how "I love you" is in quotes. Makes me giggle. Nice job, Hubs! :)
http://amysreallife.wordpress.com
I guess we know what tomorrow's post will be about. Bow chica bow bow.
No matter how much you "get with him" he will keep asking for more "get togethers" or other variations of said "getting with" ;-)
No matter how much you "get with him" he will keep asking for more "get togethers" or other variations of said "getting with" ;-) Even when I get with mine ever single day he still wants more so I scaled back to every other or every third day now and again to make him realize just how good our "getting together" schedule is;-)
My hubby and I are cracking up at this! Well done! I see you two are most def a match made in heaven, two peas in a pod, he's your willy to your nilly... all that good stuff! ;)
Tell him if he gets you the "Swaggin Waggin" you will slap a sign on it that says, "If this vans a rockin, don't come a knockin."
Holy crap I think I might have written this in my sleep or something. I share this man's sentiments almost to the word. I feel vindicated now. Thank you sir.
Signed,
Another domestic dad looking for nookie
I was naked by #3....
Hilarious - he's a keeper. Get that Brazilian (only $40 where I get mine done) and rock his Valentine's Day, girl!
LMAO. Sorry Jen, but he's got a point. Time to get in a little cardio.
Good job hubs! did you consult with my hubby? Other than letting me sleep in and the "jungle" he uses the same lines. Kinda of made me feel guilty - well, not really....
I love the overuse of quotes, does he do air quotes also? Because I had an overwhelming urge to while I was reading...I am with him on the jungle though. It's 2012, take care of that shit. Pubic hair is unsanitary and unsightly.
Sing it girl!!!
Give it up, Jen. Look at it this way, sex is like oranges.
Wait. What?
That's right, sex is like oranges. You look at that fruit sitting there in that bowl and you think to yourself,
"Oh, I should really have an orange. It's good for me. I know I like it. I will enjoy eating that orange. But ohhhh, I don't have time to sit and peel it. And then the clean-up! Throwing away the peels, washing my hands. I just don't feel like dealing with it."
But then. Then you go ahead and you eat that orange. And you're like "God DAMN that was good. I'm going to eat an orange every day from now on."
Next day, you look at that bowl of fruit and you're like,
"I know I SHOULD...."
Hahahaha, holy crap I just peed myself! That is HILARIOUS!! Great advice perkiwindy! Jen, must follow said advise.
bwaaahahahaha!!! I'd say People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Facebook, Jenna Marbles and My Drunk Kitchen. Or stub my toe. LOL
Great job hubs! As stated many times above, I think you must have talked to my husband too, haha. He does all of that for me as well, we must be very lucky girls Jen. Guess it's time for both of us to show a little more appreciation, lol!
hahahaha
Yeah, same here! I do all of the above and then he sits on the couch "relaxing" WTF???
Use his razor and shaving cream. Bwa-ha-ha!
Great analogy - Eat the Orange Ladies - Everyday if you can - the more you do it the more you want it... and definitely trim the bush... then you get more face time and that makes it so worth the effort!!!
Good GOD man...if she won't get with you I will!!! You had me at load and unload!
Love the analogy!
I agree. Take one for the team Jen!
LOL - this is awesome advice! I totally agree!! Win-Win situation!!
Typical man. He has ALL access to talk about whatever he wants and he brings up sex! LOL Love it!.
Maybe the place you went to get your eyebrows done will also tame that jungle? I would love to hear what he has to say about that! hahaha
Anne, you are so right! Nearly every time my hubby asks for special time, I think to myself - "Why do I fight it when it's so awesome to give in?"
I said it out loud once, and my husband wanted to tape it so he could play it for me whenever I said no in the future! LOL
So freaking great! What a fantastic post. You guys both have a great sense of humor, I bet it's fun times in your house. :)
Why do they ALWAYS bring up the cardio/exercise thing?!?!? Do they really think calling us fat will make us want to get naked? Yes, in our heads "you will burn 100 calories" is EXACTLY THE SAME as "you are fat".
Did he just out your "jungle?" he deserves a punch, not "special time."
"he still wants more so I scaled back..." LOL!!!!
Dear Hubs- As a woman who has been married for 10 years now, I can tell you that I agree! You are an amazing husband...like mine....and you deserve some "Business Time"! Its like a fine wine....it gets so much better with age! How about this quality valentine gift idea....you guys go to the adult store and pick out a special friend to make "Business Time" even better!....just a thought. ; - )
As a loyal reader since I first read about Elf on the Shelf, I have to admit that is one of the funniest posts by far. I think that Hubs should get at least one post per week. Sounds like he does enough to deserve to be heard and "had" for that matter!
Here's hoping that he gets "his" tonight!
Thank you for the laugh today!! I thought about sending it to my dh but then I thought "nah, he'll make comments for years then".
I too am the man of the house that does 95% of the cooking, all the laundry, cleaning, didhwasher ib & out along with chores tome named later. I now understand why so many women would crack because they felt so unappreciated. Your spouse, generally, will not notice the things you have done; they notice when it's not done. I try to remember this because before I stopped working no one at my work came around and complimentased my accomplishments of the day. In that light why would we expect anyone to notice every little thing we do. As men we could all use some more "time together". Since my wife donated one of her kidneys to me in 1997, I have pretty good idea how she feels so I will be happy to be "waiting for the woman"
That was pretty awesome. Nothing says good lovin' like a little yard work in the "jungle". Oh, the things we do for love. . .that's a blog post all of its own.
Oh I think I love your Hubs. Number six was hands down the funniest thing I have ever read.
Hubs did a great job :) you guys are funny! Now, quit reading these comments and give each other some lovin
Are you married to my Hubby?!?!? I think he wrote this. The only thing wrong is the breakfast so I can sleep in. But if he is only talking weekends, it is him. He has started your blog. Best keep him away from this one!!!!
Wow, Jen. If all this he write is true, filter or not, he deserves some "time". LOL. My husband is lucky if he gets it every time he loads the dishwasher, which might be once a year. You have it good, girl. Give him one (or a few) for the team. LOL. The cardio thing is a crock though. If he wants a workout, fine. But let him go on top as it's not as much work for you, lolol. Great post. I like your hubs! :)
MandieJo you crack me up!!!
"I didn't drop out of law school for nothing!"
Spit out my coffee on this one~ Thanks! :-)
I still think he should get you a card.
Best analogy ever!!!!
Mrs. CV would kill me for writing that. Hell she'll likely kill me for reading it.
So appropriately said, they are all the same. One minute of lovin and four spent apologizing. Congratulations on the Huff, so much for the novel. I see a more of a Chicken Soup for the Soul type book if Chicken Soup for the Soul was more about punching people in the throat!
Hil-a-ri-ous!
Awesome. You should still get her a card, and she should get a Brazilian.
Uh-oh...my hubby read this article AND my reply! He now wants to come home and unload the dishwasher after work! What have I done????
So funny! Exactly the kind of mentality I'd expect Jen to be married to. Awesome!!
Omg! So did I!!! Loved that remark!
#6.....priceless
I'm serious! :/ The shirt was off at #1! Cooking?? Seriously?? That alone would get a week's worth! 7 days in a row!
He's demented. I love it.
Sweet, sweet sweet!
I have just recently found your blog and I LOVE it. Your husband is HILARIOUS....as are you! I look forward to reading your blog every time I see you pop up in my reader. Please! Keep it coming!
Wow! Hubs may be more demanding than Jen?! Nah, not possible. For the record, outing one's jungle and then telling her she needs exercise... NOT the way to get some!
Very funny...but one punch back to your Hubs...
if it's only 5 minutes, I don't think you can count it as cardio.
That would be more like, I don't know, a military black operations mission -
Get in
accomplish the mission
Get out
Yes, the unloading/loading of the dishwasher was a real panty-dropper. You got a good one there, Jen!! Sexy time!!
I'm sure your honey is funnier in person.
That said, um...good luck with that list.
And um, is he now someone you wanna punch?????
Sing it, sister! "Eye for an eye..." I'd have to say.
Love it! Number 6 was my favourite...but I say keep it! It's too much trouble to keep it desert like.
Love, love, love your blog. Nothing beats honesty- real, true honesty!
www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com
i love how you signed this, maybe Jen's "hubs" should start a spin off blog called "looking for nookie" and just blog everyday about his attempts at "special time" and how he failed or succeeded (sparing all the naughty details of course)
LOVE this! I say this about oranges AND the sex too! LOL
BUZZ cut baby! It's the way to go! $19.99 trimmer from Walgreens, 5 minutes over the toilet - high and tight! Quick, Easy, Maintainable!
Love you! (and now your hubs!!)
Devan
Do-it, do-it, do-it!
Holy shit! my husband is the same.. he too has NO filter coupled with the dirtiest mouth I've ever heard.
not a lie: I used hubs clippers to tame the jungle, shaved my legs, and all that other shit to get ready for my 30 seconds of bliss.. but he was an ass about something earlier and we fought so I went to bed.
One point for me. his clippers are now mine when i choose to use them, and I'm sure he just does it himself instead of wasting all that time begging.
You're funny! Your man is funny! Keep blogging girl!
DW and I love to follow you (and now Hubs). I have to admit that DW and I laughed so hard we almost woke up the kids last night...then I reminded her that I do a lot of #1, #2, and #3 so I convinced her that I should 'get some loven" as well. She said she had 5-minutes to spare ;-)
And for the record, not a good idea to tell her to tame the Jungle and she needs exercise.
Thank you Hubs (and Jen)
;-) I've found when it comes to sex men have a tendency to revert back to the maturity of a middle schooler. Funny at times but mostly just annoying. Oh how I love this blog!
Exactly!!!
#2 and #3 were convincing enough for me. My hubby should take note ;-)
You forgot about the fact that once you get the orange and peel it and finally get to eat it, it only takes like two minutes to eat, then you still gotta clean up the mess after...just saying, that that's what I've heard, it only takes two minutes, I meant not here at my house or anything, it takes me like 4 or 5 minutes to eat an orange...
HA! so true Jen... ya gotta make a deal with the devil for THAT swagger wagon.
I swear we must be the same person! If my hubs did half of this stuff I'd have more time an energy to "love him" Come on Jen, he's more than earned it!!!!
HaHaHa - I will never look at oranges the same way again.
you said "willy" (insert Beavis and Butthead laugh here) ;-)
OMG Vanessa, that is a GREAT idea. Snorted out loud!
Oh my little baby Jesus. That was spectacular. I feel compelled to "get with him." Can you hook a sista up?
That was great! Except that #6 kind of nulls allmost all of the other awesomeness... Beggars cant be choosers dude! ;-)
Wow! Sounds like my husband, I have come to the conclusion that most men just don't get it.
OMG hilarious
Jen,
I love love love you blog-started reading and bonded over that damn elf at Christmas--I decided to try to start blogging on things that drive me crazy--I just published my 1st very short post at http://insurancemoma.blogspot.com/
Awesome analogy!!!...you girls are so creative!...love this blog!
I think we are married to the same man. Seriously. How do guys not realise they need to 'woo' us? My husband is a burping farting machine - I love him dearly but if you have to tell someone that DURING LOVEMAKING you should not burp in your partner's face, there's an issue. I love sex, but part of sex to me is foreplay. Knowing where my 'spots' are. I get neither of those so why would I be motiviated to have sex? Oy.
Oh hell lol.....#6 is the best!
I have shared your analogy with all my married friends. And my husband has takjen ti asking for an orange. You are awesome
Hey Eli. Nice post. Just want to add something: I am Brazilian, and we do not have cutting edge technology on dealing the the jungle. Just to clarify this. ;)
One more thing: as Jen said - you do have a talent to be sincere. I like it. Trying to be more like you on that.
You two sure make a nice couple.
Cheers!
Hubs,
You sound selfish. Good luck 'getting some' after calling out your wifes 'jungle' on the internet.
It's crazy to read how NOT alone in this crazy "relaxed" husband world I am!! They must all be clones.
omg that was so funny!!! your hubby sounds alot like mine: very giving! now go give him some immediately, he kinda does sound like he deserves it.
exceptions: when he whines and bitches at you, you must punish him with NO SPECIAL TIME.
that's when you call yourself the SPECIAL TIME NAZi and tell him to go spend some special time with himself LMFAO!!!!!
omg i can totally relate to that analogy!!! sooo funny!!! and true! every time i unpeel and partake of that fruit i say goddamn! why dont i do that every time its next to me?? lmfao!!!!!
The more I think about Samantha's articles... the worse I feel for her. I actually think she may be insane. What she doesn't understand is that... if she were a nice, modest, friendly person - it would make her twice as pretty! What she has done for herself is make herself look ugly - inside and out. I am sure the person that published the first article about her knew they "struck gold" because it's so ridiculous... And, I agree - she worsens everything by writing about herself again. Ugh.
okay - my above comment was meant for the Samantha Brick post you did. I just keep surfing your blog and reading. Can't stop thinking about Samantha, obviously!!
You are hilarious. Thanks for all your great posts!
Give that man more lovin' Jen!
Awesome! Sounds familiar abut helping with her workout, i do believe that't my husbands exact words. His usual line is "How ya feeling?" Its not because he actually cares how I'm feeling. I told him now he can't ask the kids "how their feeling", it creeps me out!
This. Is. Awesome. Sooooo true! Love the orange analogy.
I was reading it to my husband and totally doing air quotes.
This list is hilarious! I'm so jealous that your husband blogs. The only blog my husband has ever read is about the UFC. Yeah.
Love it. It was "in our wedding vows."
My husband and yours could be good friends.
Communication is vital .. actions after are the game breaker. I do tons for my marriage n vice versa. It isnt always ez but if its worth every moment you do what needs doing. I love the jungle btw lemme at it.
And after i do it all then make the jungle juicy can i get swallowed plez
The fact that he does THIS - very lucky!! Maul him on Valentine's Day! :)
In this scenario I am the Hubs and my Hubs is you lol! Maybe I should make him a list of why I "need some"...
Your hubs is hilarious! Mine wakes up with the kids every morning too and BOY do I hear about it.
i love how hubbys think that they do every thing when we cook , clean get up at 7 am for our kids and then get them ready for the day , then the men think they are god because for one day out of the week they do something like let is sleep for an extra 5 min . then they rub it in your face like they do it all week hahaja cracks me up,.
How many men think this but are afraid to say it let alone write it?? Quite funny and the comments too.
My husband would write this but wouldn't be able to claim doing any of that helpful shit. This morning I took a picture of a puddle of his pee on the back of the toilet and sent it to him saying "I don't mind cleaning, but I don't think I should be expected to clean THIS, do you?" lol
He fixes stuff. That's his thing.
I really like your husband. You should *love* him occasionally. I might copy this and give it to my husband...cuz I could use some "special time".
This is hilarious, my husband would also suggest #6 and if he ever wrote on my blog or cooked dinner I might pass out and then be useless when it came to him "getting some."
HA!
I cannot show this to my hubby -- since he is currently cooking dinner and did unload the dishwasher.
Wait for it though....
....I've spent the day going around the house wiping down all the places he constantly spills his coffee.
And we won't even talk about that scary place behind the toilet.
Wow - I think Hubs' letter was a little dickish. I am surprised I am in the minority. Jen, what men don't realize is that to get "THERE" they have to go through our brains and unless that brain is engaged there won't be anything happening "THERE". Sounds like Hubs could use a little brush up on brain engagement.
And I think if HE thinks you need some hedge trimming then he should submit his landscape for the same. I betcha he won't ever complain again.
I totally agree with you on this one. If my hubby said even a handful of these things, let alone publicly - "manscaping" would be the least of his worries. Boy, the dukes are up cause douchedad just entered the building! Teach him, Punch Throat.
This made me laugh SO hard! What an awesome and HONEST hubby. ;)
Sounds you and your husband are made for one another....you're both big jerks.
TMI really... feel like I happened to glance over at the neighbors' while they were getting it on, then had to quickly turn away and fold laundry somewhere else...
And sorry hubs, loading and unloading dishwasher doesn't get a pat on the back in my house. I've always done it when I was growing up, and I was taught, who lives in a house pitches in on the work to reap all the rewards! Although my husband and I do say thank you to each other for doing the 1000 mundane chores it takes to keep a house maintained.
Happy Valentine's Day all the same.
YUP. See my comment below.
That was f'ing hilarious.
lmao
It is great that Hubs has a sense of humor about expressing his desires. Hopefully you can engage that sense of humor and "love" to fulfill desires you both have. All joking aside, despite all the "help" he does around the house, if he is willing to broadcast his "needs" so publicly it might be time for you both to check in with your Internal Guidance System to see what is the best way to "handle" the situation. (Gotta love the "air quotes.")
Dude! Do I have to tell you that begging or whining is not foreplay? You could try this if you want a woman to go all crazy on you:
1. It's the long game. You gotta start waaay earlier than jumping into bed after the lights are out and expecting automatic action. Start being nice to her in the morning: make the coffee, toast, whatever she likes- doesn't have to be Belgian waffles with whatever, you're just making things a little easier to start the day. You know what she likes- do that.
2. Compliments- notice things. She looks nice in those jeans?- tell her that. It's a pain in the ass all the upkeep that woman do- if it goes unnoticed, it can be like, why bother? And if it's a compliment like, "you're butt looks hot in those pants" that can be read as "I want sex from you, give me what I want" when something like, "you're so pretty, I love those pants." will say that you notice her appearance, not just that you need to cum 6 times a week.
3. Take one for the team. You want to get laid, don't you? You do something that drives her crazy, try not doing that thing for 24 hours. Take care of something annoying for her. Is it fun? No. Will she appreciate you, therefore making you more attractive? Yes.
Just saying- it's not rocket science- if you make yourself more attractive, she will come to you- men have been telling us the same thing for years- just give it a shot.
I'm curious whether YOUR dh actually DOES these things in the first few items (cooking and dishes etc.). Mine THINKS he does so many things and feels really deserving and good about himself but actually does practically nothing...Good thing he's cute!!
OK...LA gal here so please keep this in mind. Everyone in LA has abandoned waxing for lasering...it is LIFE CHANGING. It's way less painful than waxing. You get lasered a few times and that stuff NEVER COMES BACK! It's truly a miracle. I haven't shaved my legs for a YEAR! Or my under arms. Or BIKINI!
If you truly care about hair removal (and this goes for boys, too) find a reputable laser center and get that shiz taken off. You will love it AND save tons of money on razors, waxing, etc.
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