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Anyone Who Spends $7 on a Cup of Coffee

This one sort of goes along with anyone who would pay to have eyelash extensions.  Y'know, people who just spend money on crazy shit.

In case you don't know what I'm talking about, let me explain.  Starbucks has come out with some stupid, super rare coffee that they're selling for $7 a cup.  They are hoping that we're all either too stupid to care about the price and we'll line up like lemmings to drink their magic elixir or so fucking elitist and competitive that we'll HAVE TO have it.


Obviously, they are hoping that you'll walk into your office with a steaming cup of over priced coffee so you can brag, "I just spent seven dollars on premium, exclusive, AH-may-ZING I assume fairy dust-filled coffee and you're still drinking swill!  That shit in your cup is probably only four dollars a cup.  Peasant."

Leslie Wolford, who is a green coffee specialist (btw, where does one get a degree to be a "green coffee specialist"?) for Starbucks has described the taste of this murky liquid as, "A little bit of pineapple.  Herbal complexity.  Super-clean. Vibrant.  Sparklingness . . . Lush, tropical, hints of white, not yellow, peach."

All I can say is, thank God Starbucks had the forethought to include hints of only white peach - have you tasted yellow peach in your coffee?  Fucking disgusting.  I had once and it ruined my whole week.  On a side note, my Asian Hubs takes great offense to the exclusion of yellow peaches.  He thinks that's racist.

Now I'd like to address the people who are lining up to buy this cup of joe.  What is wrong with you?  You know it's just coffee right?  There aren't flakes of gold in there that you can take to the bank.  It doesn't cure cancer when you drink it.  I'm guessing all it does is give you the jitters and the runs just like Starbucks' regular over priced coffee, but it just makes you break a ten instead of a five.

I think Jimmy Kimmel summed it up perfectly when he called this a "test" to see how "stupid" we are.




25 comments:

  1. You are hilarious! I hereby sign any petition saying i won't drink it that you may start. Because i'm saving up for diamond fillings in my teefs, and a neck piercing.

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  2. Here Here! I'm a couponer and I can get two BAGS of coffee for under $2 usually so out of a 4 cu pot I make each morning, I get a mug of hot coffee made exactly how I want it. BY ME. and the rest goes into the fridge for ICED COFFEE later :-) I save myself like $40 a week this way :-P I should have my mortgage paid off in NO time like this!!!

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  3. While yellow peaches are the peaches of the commoners, and white peaches are for fancy folks, yellow peaches actually taste a lot better. Apparently fancy people don't like flavor.

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    1. I like the phrase "fancy folks". I'm going to start using that every day.

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  4. Good grief! $7?! Are you kidding me. People do realize that it's just water run through ground beans picked out of field, right? And if you don't drink it super hot (burning your taste buds into a stupor), it all tastes like crap anyway.

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  5. Eeee, hee hee! Oh that was great. Thank you. I especially appreciated the Hubs input. I'm half white peach, and half yellow peach, so...guess my coffee wouldn't be considered 'super-clean'? Oh hell, I refrigerate left-over coffee and use it days later...it tastes fine to me!

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  6. I buy the $2.99 value can. When you're half asleep, who cares what coffee tastes like. It's like wasting your money on premium beer when all you want to do is get schlitzed. I mean if you want to spend $7 for a cup of joe, knock yourselves out. But IMHO, Starbucks is overrated rusty tapwater.

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  7. And here I'd been saving up to buy that coffee made from a civet's poop at $30 a cup. Stupid me! Now I can get 4 cups of white peach coffee that just tastes like poop instead. What a bargain!

    Seriously, I love my Keurig.

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  8. "my Asian Hubs takes great offense to the exclusion of yellow peaches. He thinks that's racist."

    That straight up made me snort my *less than a dollar* shitty, foldgers + splenda on my keyboard.

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    1. Best blog I've read in a while....your response is great!!!!! Hysterical.

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  9. I'm awful. But, I really hope I get a gc for Xmas, b.c I just have to fucking tell everyone I tried it. Just call me "Big Money'!

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    1. I get that. But you know what? I got a bottle of Dom Perignon once, just so I could say I tried it, and it's not that great. Not as good as Taittinger, which is like half the price. So I won't fall for the coffee, either.

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  10. Why would you pay for *any* coffee at Starbucks is my question. I'm guessing it's their roasting process that makes it all taste like burnt rubber to me, but then I'm not a green coffee specialit, so who knows? What I do know is that I never spend my money at Starbucks. I save my gift cards (why does everyone think the world wants Starbucks gift cards?) and buy the coffee mugs, travel mugs, and other cutesy crap that doesn't have a taste to ruin. For those who DO want to spend $7 on coffee, which I hear is $40 per bag or something, I make a plea: buy some cheaper coffee and give the rest to charity. You'll be doing your taste buds and the needy a favor at the same time.

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  11. I'm going to guess it's the same women who I watched spend upwards of $300 for a baby stroller! I almost wish I was sitll on contact with those same women when we had babies, so I could see where those strollers ended up!

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  12. So glad I am truly not a coffee drinker to begin with, but still even if I were there is no way in hell I would pay $7 for a cup of coffee. Seriously, people will pay money for just about anything is all this proves!!

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  13. Or how about someone who spends $7 or $10 (I knew a guy once who spent $10) on a bottle of water. At least with coffee, you get more than just clear.

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  14. Narrowly avoided that punch! I won't spend more than $5 on a cup of coffee :)

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  15. Don't you know this is a very, very rare bean? Why do people spend $30 on a glass of champagne? Obviously, they are the ones with superior taste and breeding.

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  16. The fact they put the same coffee in both cups is so classic and awesome.

    I had not heard of this extra special magical coffee, but I have to say it makes me feel a little less stupid for spending $4.87 on a rare peppermint mocha this time of year. But only a little. ;)

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  17. And here I was hoping not to be the only person that Starbucks coffee makes "trot". Sigh.

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  18. Actually Japanese white peaches are insanely delicious.

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  19. I hate Starbucks. I buy Dunkin Donuts and brew it at home.

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  20. Starbucks can suck it! I think they are putting crack in their coffee so people will come back for more. I could have lived a full life without ever being exposed to the word *barista* .

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  21. I wonder if this is that crazy Kopi Luwak coffee made from beans gathered from the feces of wild civets?! Talk about a job, huh? Can you just see the resume entry:
    Picked through wild civet shit for exotic coffee beans.
    Wow! People are wacko!
    Love you, your attitude, sarcasm and blog! Keep it up!

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