Making Memories the Punch Way

So, in the past I've been accused of not being a very good mother.  I've been told that just because I refuse to make my silly little Elf make snow angels in flour on my kitchen counter or drape my Christmas tree with socks I'm a shitty mom.  Well, I'd like you all to know that tonight I made memories with my kids, dammit.  We created a new Christmas holiday tradition for this family.  I'm not sure it will stick around like our tradition to shop for the Todds of the world, but for tonight it was perfect.

Let me set the scene for you.  It was already dark out.  We'd just returned from a dinner out and a quick tour of our favorite Christmas lights.  The kids were in their jammies and we were all cuddled together in the soft glow of our fancy Christmas tree that the Hubs had slaved over for a day to light when Gomer said, "I learned a new song today at school.  Would you like to hear it?"


"Of course we would," I said thinking that surely my enormous property tax bill has been going to good use at his school where they must be learning some of the most beautiful songs.

"OK!  When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea!"

"Gomer!" I exclaimed.

"Ha!  Good one!" the Hubs cried.  "I remember that song.  There were tons of verses when we were kids.  Let me Google it and see if I can find them."

The Hubs promptly got on his phone and found this delightful site.

At first I was appalled at all this (literal) potty talk, but I was hooked as soon as he read, "When your stomach is in pain and you're making chocolate rain, diarrhea, diarrhea."

For the next half hour all we did was to try and come up with better ones while we laughed our asses off.

Are you ready?

This is what we came up with:

When you're walking down the beach and your panties need some bleach, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're hanging with the kids and your pants are full of skids, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sitting on the throne and you give a big old groan, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're playing on the deck and your underwear's a wreck, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're drinking cups of coffee and you lay a big fat softie, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sliding down the slide and you feel some extra glide, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're dancing in the streets and your pants have got some streaks, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're swinging on a swing and your bottom goes ba-zing, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're turning on your lamp and you feel a little cramp, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you think you're pretty classy, but you're really kind of gassy, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're laying on your belly and you notice something smelly, diarrhea, diarrhea.


I know I have poets, wordsmiths, scribes, and word slingers out there who can add to this distinguished list.  So let's hear it.  Give us your best Diarrhea Song verse.

OK, now for some updates because there is a lot going on today!  Would you like to win a signed copy of my book and read why Johnny Depp and I are similar?  Go see You Know It Happens At Your House Too and Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess they've got two chances for you to win signed copies of my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat (which, by the way is still 99 cents for the e-book on Amazon since they're taking their sweet time ending my "Black Friday to Cyber Monday Deal" we're now starting the "Wacky Wednesday" sale).  Want one more chance to win?  OK, OK.  Go see Kim at Fordeville Diaries and make sure you read her greatest hits.  She is very funny.

Already read my book, but you still need a good laugh?  Then go visit Robin O'Bryant and enter her drawing to win a signed copy of her book Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell.