People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Making Memories the Punch Way

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Making Memories the Punch Way

So, in the past I've been accused of not being a very good mother.  I've been told that just because I refuse to make my silly little Elf make snow angels in flour on my kitchen counter or drape my Christmas tree with socks I'm a shitty mom.  Well, I'd like you all to know that tonight I made memories with my kids, dammit.  We created a new Christmas holiday tradition for this family.  I'm not sure it will stick around like our tradition to shop for the Todds of the world, but for tonight it was perfect.

Let me set the scene for you.  It was already dark out.  We'd just returned from a dinner out and a quick tour of our favorite Christmas lights.  The kids were in their jammies and we were all cuddled together in the soft glow of our fancy Christmas tree that the Hubs had slaved over for a day to light when Gomer said, "I learned a new song today at school.  Would you like to hear it?"


"Of course we would," I said thinking that surely my enormous property tax bill has been going to good use at his school where they must be learning some of the most beautiful songs.

"OK!  When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea!"

"Gomer!" I exclaimed.

"Ha!  Good one!" the Hubs cried.  "I remember that song.  There were tons of verses when we were kids.  Let me Google it and see if I can find them."

The Hubs promptly got on his phone and found this delightful site.

At first I was appalled at all this (literal) potty talk, but I was hooked as soon as he read, "When your stomach is in pain and you're making chocolate rain, diarrhea, diarrhea."


For the next half hour all we did was to try and come up with better ones while we laughed our asses off.

Are you ready?

This is what we came up with:

When you're walking down the beach and your panties need some bleach, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're hanging with the kids and your pants are full of skids, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sitting on the throne and you give a big old groan, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're playing on the deck and your underwear's a wreck, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're drinking cups of coffee and you lay a big fat softie, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sliding down the slide and you feel some extra glide, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're dancing in the streets and your pants have got some streaks, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're swinging on a swing and your bottom goes ba-zing, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're turning on your lamp and you feel a little cramp, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you think you're pretty classy, but you're really kind of gassy, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're laying on your belly and you notice something smelly, diarrhea, diarrhea.


I know I have poets, wordsmiths, scribes, and word slingers out there who can add to this distinguished list.  So let's hear it.  Give us your best Diarrhea Song verse.

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105 comments:

YKIHAYHT said...

Holy shit. Pun totally intended. I needed this laugh this morning. Sometimes it isn't the "touchy feely" things that make the best memories. Sometimes it is the poop talk, and the laughter. You are amazing.

Christina said...

I remember the bathroom humor more than anything. My dad's farts can clear a room, and we still joke about the time we were playing mini golf and he farted directly into a brick wall...it echoed across the entire place.

Stephanie said...

This is HILARIOUS. Thank you for sharing that blog.

Three Js said...

Oh, the memories. I remember those well! Thanks for the laugh this morning. Those are awesome, and I'm kinda afraid to show my 6-year old because I know how much he's gonna love it!

Wendy Wainwright said...

CLEARLY you are under-using your song writing talents. I sense a second book in your future. Or a reality T.V. show (which probably pays better).

http://marginalia.wendywainwright.com

MummyOfSeven said...

Hahaha, love it. I taught by 6yr old the 'pardon me' poem a couple of weeks ago. Now, every time he burps, he recites,

Pardon me for being so rude,
It was not me, it was my food,
It just popped up to say hello,
But now it's gone back down below.

:-p

The Witch's Kitchen said...

I am beyond thankful that my children are now adults making me miss the whole "Elf on a Shelf" thing.

The rhymes are more my style anyway!

Josie Bisett said...

HAHA! I remember this.. although I seem to remember singing some bizarre variant: diarrhea.. in yer beer! at the end... Thanks for the memory!!!

Dcspmom said...

I'm in the doctor's office and laughed so loud the nurse came to see if I was okay! Totally sharing with my son.

When you feel something tweak and something starts to leak, diarrhea, diarrhea.

Teri Biebel said...

BEST ONE EVER!!

When you're drinking cups of coffee and you lay a big fat softie, diarrhea, diarrhea.

Roxanne said...

HAHAH love it, ok here is mine...not the greatest....

When you're reading the PIWTPITT Blog
and you feel a juicy log:
Diarrhea, diarrhea.

Amanda said...

I so dont have any memories like this from my childhood. We had "normal" holidays, full of grumpy family, lots of drinking and usually venison and steamed crabs (from PA and MD so...). I was also an only child, still am unless you count my dog sister...and my mother does sheesh ;) I am in love with your blog and i need to stop reading it at work :-p THANKS! :)

Inklings said...

Sounds like a genuinely fun night - one the kids will always remember.
Try putting your ideas into Google Translate! After you enter your thoughts, hit the Listen button... My kiddo loves to play the sentence (or paragraph!) in another language first, just to see if we can guess. When he finally plays it in English, well, something about hearing Joyce the Voice saying "When you get that sudden fear that you can't control your rear, diarrhea, diarrhea"... makes it ten times as funny!

RachRiot said...

When you're reaching for the Elf
and you almost shit yourself-
Diarrhea, diarrhea.

Colleen said...

Here's my best shot . . . "When you bend and hear a rip then down your leg it starts to drip, diarrhea, diarrhea"!

OMG - RachRiot, you win!!! Awesome!

Karanb23 said...

I think Gomer was sharing part of the baseball version of this song which goes like this:

When you're up to bat and the ump is kinda fat, diarrhea, diarrhea.

The pitch is pitched and your butt begins to twitch, diarrhea, diarrhea.

You hit the ball and your pants begin to fall, diarrhea, diarrhea.

You run for first and your pants begin to burst, diarrhea, diarrhea.

You run for a double and your pants begin to bubble, diarrhea, diarrhea.

You run for home and pants are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea.

Your fans think it's funny but it's really hot and runny, diarrhea, diarrhea.

:)

rsrusso said...

Oh, I wouldn't sell yourself short. You had me at "juicy log".

Roxanne said...

Well I had all these fabulous ideas in my head...then my brain took a S#%$ on me hahah.

yourfriendrobin said...

We sang this when we were kids. It was all baseball themed.. they've branched out over the years, I guess. ;)

Rachael said...

When you're under Mistletoe and your butt begins to blow...diarrhea diarrhea

My Daily Jenn-ism said...

Bahahaha... This totally cracked me up! ...and I put DOWN the coffee cup when I got to the coffee part :)

LuLu said...

When you think you need to fart and BOOM it's a shart, diarrhea, diarrhea!
Love these kinds of memories made! Loved this one!

Unknown said...

when you're sittin in the tub and the water turns to mud-diarrhea, diarrhea.
btw- this is the first time i've ever commented on any blog!

rkaldor said...

When you're climbing up a mountain and your butt feels like a fountain-diarrhea, diarrhea!

Best tradition ever ;)

fishducky said...

I never heard of these before, but I LOVED THEM!! Here's mine:

When you're feeling kind of dismal, & you need some Pepto Bismol, diarrhea, diarrhea.

You want to stand up for a bit, but your pants are full of shit, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you start to get the blues, 'cause there's brown stuff in your shoes, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you'd better take a shower, 'cause you don't smell like no flower, diarrhea, diarrhea.

Kp said...

HAHAHA. you have the classiest family ever and I love it.

Lauren M. said...

When you're driving in your van and you need a bed pan -diarrhea, diarrhea!

Paulette said...

When you think you need to fart and BOOM it's a shart, diarrhea, diarrhea! Loved this one from Lulu!!! My 3 year old came running asking what was wrong!

BaylorProud said...

When you're on the pot and you feel something hot, diarrhea, diarrhea.

Rachael said...

speaking of squirts...totally thought of you the whole time i was watching this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjGk_jU6t5A&list=UU67f2Qf7FYhtoUIF4Sf29cA&index=1&feature=plcp

Rachael said...

In case you are wondering it is a Bad Lip Reading of Hunger Games. And they mention the squirts...which made me spew coffee from my nose and think of this

Marianne, aka Ranger Anna said...

Holy f-ing shit. I thought it was only my family.

Heather Mayfield said...

Love. Love. Love. Screw Linus and Lucy... We muted it so I could read these to the kids.

Belinda Heard Draper said...

I have tears rolling down my face from this!!!

When you're running for the loo
and your pants are full of goo
Diarrhea, Diarrhea

Dani Ryan said...

When you're sliding into first
And you feel a sudden burst
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're sliding into two
And your pants are filled with poo
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're sliding into third
And you feel a greasy turd
Diarrhea, diarrhea

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES!!!

(OMG, what does this say about me?!)

Kristen said...

ONG I kid you not I taught my kids that song at dinner. OH yes I did. Then I showed them on You Tube the clip from Parenthood, Steve Martin flick, where I first learned it.
If your name is Bert and you fill a little squirt Diarrhea, diarrhea

Motherhood on the Rocks said...

ha! I remember that! Too funny!

AJ said...

Ah... Poop. You know, if you say poop in a deep commanding voice, it's actually pretty funny (discovered this on a trip with a bunch of Jr. High kids) we wrote a whole song about poop... Ah good memories :) hahaha

AJ said...

When you're sliding into second and you feel the toilet beckon...




Lauren M. said...

My favorite also

PediNP said...

So funny! When I was a little girl (and we had all girls in our family), my dad would walk by, fart, and say, "Here's a kiss for you".

Classy, I know, but who doesn't love a little bathroom humor? It was good training for me, since I am the mom of 2 boys...

lisa said...

When you´re heading for the loo with an urgent need to poo,
diarrhea, diarrhea

skooter8 said...

Haha!!! I knew you were a kindred soul. I have two boys and used to sing this to them when they were cranky. You just have to laugh. Love it!!

DomesticallyChallengedHousewife said...

First time commenting here. Thanks for introducing us to this great song, hubby could not stop laughing :)

Evie's Mommy said...

Hilarious! That is SO something we would do at our house too :) Thanks so much for the laugh!

Jennifer S. Higgins said...

When you feel a little bubble, then you know you're in trouble, diarrhea, diarrhea

Krysti said...

We STILL laugh at fart and poop jokes in my family and I'm 24. It never stops being funny.

One of my favorite memories with my friends is similar...we were driving to a dance competition and decided to play the "in my pants" game with my iPod. We had some real doozies too! Inappropriateness often makes the best memories.

JenM said...

Some people think it's funny, buy it's really wet and runny. Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

No strain. No pain. Just sit and let it drain. Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

You can tell by the smell that you ain't feeling well. Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

Faithe said...

I totally just read this while sitting on the throne!

Abby said...

When you start to get in bed, but you feel a turtle head, diarrhea, diarrhea.

(Based on a true story!)

Karla said...

Hi Jen,

Just started a blog of my own. So inspired by you!!
http://karlaisawannabe.blogspot.com/2012/11/that-creepy-elf.html

Hallie Sawyer said...

I don't care who ya are, that's funny right there.

lisa said...

When you´re hunting for a goose
and your poo turns into mousse,
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you eat a big, fat twinkie,
out of you comes something stinky,
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you´re feeling like a well
and emit some funny smell,
diarrhea, diarrhea

Tazi Kat said...

I like to play in the bathtub. After reading this article I just looked at it and thought, "When you're sittin' in the tub and the water turns to mud, diarrhea (pllt pllt) diarrhea"!

Jeannette Welsh said...

When the food tasted a little tart, ant it wasn't just a fart... Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

L Carilo said...

I didn't post the one I came up with yesterday because I thought it was shitty. HA! But considering what happened today, here it is:

When you're sliding into second and start feeling quite unpleasant... diarrhea diarrhea!

So what happened today... When you're at a bus stop and your stomach starts to flop... diarrhea, diarrhea.

Yeesh!

Natalie said...

My son made up, "When your tummy's feeling puffy and you let a little fluffy, diarrhea diarrhea." My husband and I about died laughing!

Rosebudjbt said...

When you're shoppin in the store and can't pinch it off no more, diarrhea diarrhea ~ When you set your bumhole free, but it sounds just like pee pee, diarrhea diarrhea ~ When your sittin on a stool and your butt begins to drool, diarrhea diarrhea ~ when you're havin some sex and out comes this evenings Mex, diarrhea diarrhea. When you're strollin down the lane and you smell somethin profane, diarrhea diarrhea ~ when you're runnin in a race and you feel a sudden case of diarrhea diarrhea. ~ when you try to do a flip and out comes a little drip, diarrhea diarrhea. When you're freezin off your warts and somethins leakin out your shorts, diarrhea diarrhea. When you're fixin up a snack and somethins sneakin out your crack, diarrhea diarrhea. When you're climbin up a tree and somethins drippin down your knee, diarrhea diarrhea.

Rosebudjbt said...

When your pants drop to the floor cuz they just can't hold no more, diarrhea diarrhea.

Rosebudjbt said...

When u don't know what to do cuz it's fillin up your shoe, diarhea diarrhea. When it shoots out your bum like a bullet from a gun diarrhea diarrhea.

TNMom said...

Awesome Awesome Awesome!! I love this JEN!!
Devan

Sally HP said...

Ha ha ha ha!!! I saw parenthood again last week and my husband started singning the song with my boys (4 and 7) in the room and I silenced him. Clearly I should have seized the opportunity for family fun! And, for the record I busted out the elf last night. Let the flour snow angel fun begin!

Melissa Potts said...

I'm crying over here...this one sent my over the edge!!! HYSTERICAL!!!

kate said...

When your tummy starts to shutter after too much lobster butter diarrhea diarrhea

When the porcelain you grab after three full plates of crab.... diarrhea diarrhea

nicole said...

Bahahaha! When I was a kid we used to sing "When you're climbing up a ladder and you hear something splatter, diarrhea, diarrhea."

Kristy Finlay said...

When you gotta use the potty and your tummy's being naughty, diarrhea, diarrhea

When you hear your tummy rumble and your pants start to bubble, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When your drivin' in your car and your pants are full of tar, diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you gotta leave the pool cause it's gonna fill with stool, diarrhea,diarrhea.

When you'd thought you'd seen the worst and then your pants start to burst.

jenlarson said...

I just found your blog for the first time, and it's cracking me up! I just introduced my kids to the SouthPark episode with Mr Hankey last week...they'll love to hear these versions of the diarrhea song :)

Mike and Ginny Heisler said...

One of my best nights ever with my kids, we were heading back from vacation on a long road trip and I taught them this song. I have never, before or since, laughed so very much!

Big Walker said...

While your wife is giving head, you start fudging up the bed~ diarreha(clap!clap!) diarreha

( Not approved by my wife)

Amy Schmidt said...

My entire family is afflicted with IBS (look it up.) The following are true events from different members in my family, and we all know facts make the story more funny.

Please, don't try these at home.

When you’re riding on the train and you feeling lots of pain. Diarrhea.

When you’re gettin sweaty and hot and the Shite station has no pot. Diarrhea.

When you’re squatting by the wall and your husband films it all. Diarrhea.

When you’re shopping in WalMart and you accidentally shart. Diarrhea.

When you’re hiding in cornstalks and you have to rip your panties off. Diarrhea.

When you’re stuck on Omaha streets and a diaper holds your streaks. Diarrhea.

You're welcome.

Amy Schmidt said...

For the record, "Shite" is in Japan and pronounced sheet-ay.

trytobeoriginal said...

That is genuis! I'm totally trying that....

Trey Smith said...

When a fart plays peek-a-poo and then out flys poopie stew! Diarrhea, Diarreah!

Izzieluv!!! said...

HAHAHA Awesome!! Your kids will totally remember that! I have silly memories of my childhood similar to this one >.<

Unknown said...

I totally remember that song. Too bad it was stuck in my head when I was making my nephew's birthday cake....then again, he is 5 and I may need to teach him that song.

Bluaqua said...

HAHAHHAAHAHAHA!

Greetings from the Hotel Bassemonte said...

Don't forget, when you're sliding into third and you smell a great big turd, diarrhea, diarrhea :)

Greetings from the Hotel Bassemonte said...

I didn't make this one up but as a kid we used to sing the verse, "Some people think it's cool when they do it in the pool, diarrhea, diarrhea"

Carolyn Ingold said...

You may think it's gross, but it's great on toast!! Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

robin said...

I hate bathroom talk, but I think you're right that these are great memories for your kids! It's the little things! ;)

MamaDrama said...

I literally laughed out loud! I am tempted to go pull my 11 yr old out of school early and read this to him. It will definitely make his afternoon!

goodoldchinwag said...

I remember this post from last year and told my family all about it on a hike. Pretty soon we were coming up with our own versus as well. One hitch to ours is that we had relocated to London so all of ours had to do with the Queen, royalty and British things. "When you're having ta with the Queen and your butt begins to scream" Then we went to Africa last Christmas and the kids taught their cousin the song so then we had all sorts of African themed songs- "when you are out scouting lions and your butt starts a cryin', diarrhea, diarrhea!"

HEATHER HOLTER said...

When you gamble on a fart, and instead it is a shart, Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

Gina said...

I remember these from when I was a kid. Do y'all remember the ones with ruptures?

"When you're sliding down a pole and your balls snag a hole, it's a rupture. It's a rupture!"

jcapps said...

this one right here.

Anne said...

I can't believe the number of comments this has gotten. ;) I remember singing "When you're sittin' on a cushion and you feel something squishin', diarrhea! Diarrhea!

LoTy said...

good for you!

Kristen Mae said...

Oh man I can't wait to show this to my 7yo son. I thank you.

Eric McLaughlin said...

My absolute favorite is, Some people think it's gross, but it's really good on toast. Diarrhea Diarrhea

Marie Vekaryasz said...

Brown stuff in your shoes.... classic hahahah

Marie Vekaryasz said...

Brown stuff in your shoes.... classic hahahah

Positionality said...

I'm just waiting for the right moment when I'm at the library or something - I wanna make a pained expression and wait for the librarian to ask if I'm ok, so I can say "You know we make fudge puddles" and then walk away.

Kristy Head said...

Thank you for the best laugh of my day...my cheeks are hurting from grinning and laughing. Well done!

Unknown said...

When you're climbing up a tree and its sliding down your knee..

When you're riding in a sled and its dripping down your leg..

When you're sitting on a mountain & your butt becomes a fountain..

Ahhh......memories!!

Rory Bore said...

Bwwaahhh!! my kids would love this. They can never know this song exists!! It'll be the end of civilized dinner conversation as I know it.
I on the other hand, happily submit:

When you think you made some art
but it really was a shart
diarrhea, diarrhea.

ashley allen said...

When you're drinking Mountain Dew
and your shorts fill up with poo,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

Oh this post was hilarious, thanks for sharing your new family tradition! This song has been a favorite with me since that Steve Martin movie "Parenthood." Love your blog!

lspence said...

Funny Stuff. BTW, I just caught up on your old Elf on the Shelf post. It looks like you have a slew of new attacks. That sucks.

CC Thompson said...

When your mouth lets out a chortle;
But your ass pops out a turtle;
diarrhea, diarrhea

http://corporatecheerios.blogspot.com

Jess Krcmar said...

When you're trying to do some work but your bunghole wants to twerk, diarrhea...diarrhea.....sorry, I had to do it. bwahahaha

Jim Trosen said...

when you're sitting on the throne and you can't get to the phone diarrhea diarrhea

Kelly said...

Love this one!

Mimisan said...

Love!

Adam said...

When you're walking round your school and you see a big old pool, diarrhea diarrhea

When you're driving down the road and you feel something explode diarrhea diarrhea

When you get up in the morn and you feel a little corn diarrhea diarrhea

When your sitting there at church and you feel something lurch diarrhea diarrhea

When you're walking through the mall and you feel a Water Fall diarrhea diarrhea

Jeremy Morrow said...

When you're puttin' on your shoes and you feel some nasty ooze, diarrhea, cha cha cha. :D

Natalie Clack said...

It comes out your bum like a bullet from a gun, diarrhea, diarrhea . . Some people think its funny but it really is runny, diarrhoea, diarrhoea. It smells like a shoe but it really is poo diarrhoea diarrhoea. Takes me back to long trips in the car withmy crazy yet loveable family :)