People I Want to Punch in the Throat: 50 Shades of Grey - The PIWTPITT Review

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50 Shades of Grey - The PIWTPITT Review

STOP!  SOME OF YOU ARE UNDER 18 YEARS OLD.  DO NOT READ THIS POST.  (I KNOW, I KNOW, THAT ONLY MAKES YOU WANT TO READ IT MORE, BUT REALLY - STOP.)  THIS IS NOT FOR YOU.  GO READ YOUR SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE PLEASE AND TRY AGAIN HERE TOMORROW.  IF YOU STILL REALLY WANT TO READ THIS, THEN LET YOUR MOM READ IT FIRST AND LET HER DECIDE.  I CANNOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SULLYING YOU.

ALSO, IF YOU HAVEN'T READ 50 SHADES OF GREY, GO BACK UNDER YOUR ROCK AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.  THERE ARE A TON OF SPOILERS HERE.

ONE MORE.  IF YOU ARE MY FATHER, DON'T READ THIS.  YOU WILL NOT GET IT AND THEN YOU WILL BE EMBARRASSED WHEN I SEE YOU THE NEXT TIME.



I know many of you have read 50 Shades of Grey by now and I've had more than a few emails asking me to do a "review" of the book or tell you what I think.  So here we go.

I have only read the first book in the trilogy, so my review will only be for that one.

I actually heard about this book from my friend Mary when I was visiting her in New Hampshire.  We always talk books and she told me this one was hot, hot, hot in her sleepy little school's carpool line.  I'm always looking for a good read and especially one that comes so...umm...highly recommended.

I came home from NH only to find that the actual, physical book was sold out in bookstores and there was quite a waiting list of fellow literary aficionados (perverts) waiting for the next shipment.  WTF?  This of course made me desire it even more.   I had to know what the fuss was.  The book was available in an electronic format, but at that point we didn't own a tablet.  What to do, what to do?  I did what I had to do: I went on Facebook and appealed to my friends to loan me a Kindle so I could read my smut.  Within 24 hours I had a fully charged Nook in hand with the download completed and I started my S&M-filled journey.

Maybe I should back up here for the men in this group and the few of you who live in caves and explain a bit about this book.  This book was originally written by a British "mum" as Twilight fan fiction.  She re-imagined Bella and Edward as human adults.  And this time around, rather than a lust for Bella's blood, Edward has a lust for tying up Bella and spanking her until it...uhhh...doesn't hurt anymore (if you get my drift).

OK, back to the story.  So because the book is fan fiction you really can't read it without thinking of the original Bella and Edward and how similar the characters are.  Once again we have a clumsy (Seriously, when have you EVER fallen over your feet in the middle of someone's office?  I have only winked and roared), virginal, and beautiful girl (who, of course, doesn't realize she's beautiful) with a dash of a naive/innocent wonder thing going on.

The guy is once again impossibly handsome, ridiculously rich, completely overbearing and controlling and a bit of a creeper (I just learned that's a word all the awkward 13 year olds are using).  He's always telling her what to wear and when he can see her and she's always sitting around waiting for him to call so he can spank her some more.

Let's get down to the sex, shall we?  I mean, really, that's what we're all reading this book for, right?  I don't have the book in front of me anymore, so someone will have to verify this for me, but I swear they didn't even have sex until like page 40 (of the Nook edition) or something.  Let me tell you, the plot wasn't riveting enough to keep interested until that point.  I kept reading, because I'd been promised hot, hot, hot, naughty adult sex.

FINALLY, they get it on.  A lot.  Now, I've been re-reading The Hunger Games trilogy lately, so ANY sex in a book would be considered steamy after that book where a close mouthed kiss on the lips is saucy.  So after page 40 there's a lot of sex.  I really don't remember much of the plot following that.  He whisks her off in helicopters and cars to his playroom where he can tie her up and ride her like a trussed up show pony.

After all of that, I was just sort of like, Eh.  That's it?  That's the best you can do?

I don't know.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the Hubs and I have a bondage room or anything, but I just thought I'd need a dictionary of sexual positions and Google to figure out some of the stuff they were going to do.  Instead, it was all pretty much what I could think up - a little tail whipping here and there, some naughty bath time, a tie or two, but nothing too hardcore.  His "member" strains a lot, her "sex" pulsates a bunch, she can't touch him, but he can do whatever he likes to her.  If anything, I was a little grossed out by some of their intimacy.  At one point Christian actually removes her tampon before he has sex with her.  Is that meant to be hot?  Because I threw up in my mouth when he did that.  That would pretty much kill the moment for me.

Before I read the book I heard a lot of the following:

"You'll go out and buy your man a tie, just so he'll tie you up."  I have not made any tie purchases.

"You won't be able to finish the book, because you'll want to find the Hubs and get it on."  I read it on vacation at my aunt's house.  Hell to the NO was I moved to do that in her house.

"You'll realize you want to be dominated."  Nope.  I did not come to that realization.

"Not even a little bit, Jen?"  Nope.

"You'll dream about Christian Grey."  I dreamed about kicking his misogynistic ass.  Now, Edward Cullen, that boy I dreamed about in all his sparkling glory.  That was a creepy, rich, controlling, hot guy I could get behind.

"You'll want to rush out and buy the next two books right away."  As I mentioned at the beginning, I've only read the one.  I now have a tablet and a credit card and I could easily buy the next ones, but I've got other books in my queue ahead of those.  I will get to them, though, because I am curious to see Christian evolve (I've been promised he does).

This is what I did learn:

1.  We should all write naughty books, because holy shit, those suckers sell!  After reading 50 Shades, I'm not sure it would be that hard.  I'm going to take The Hunger Games and sex it up.  The arena will be filled with sex toys and whoever can...satisfy...all their opponents wins.  I'll need a Thesaurus, though, because I can't think of too many ways to say "throbbing."

2.  I should never believe the hype.  This happened to me in 1987.  I still remember.  I really wanted to see Dirty Dancing.  I couldn't drive yet so I was at the mercy of my parents and they could never get me to the theatre.  I'd heard so much about this movie at school - "Patrick Swayze is unbelievably hot!"  "Jennifer Grey is so plain and ordinary - just like us!"  "The dancing is so cool."  I was literally dying to see it.  I was going crazy.  FINALLY, my mother took me in the "15th Explosive Week" that it was still playing in our small town.  I came out of there so let down.  Patrick Swayze did indeed look good, but I was still getting a lot of play out of the beach volleyball scene in Top Gun and Patrick did not hold a candle to Val.  Jennifer Grey was not plain.  She had a bit of a nose with a perfect ass.  This movie made me realize I don't like movies with a lot dancing in them.  I laugh at those parts - and most moviegoers don't appreciate that.

3.  A lot of us say we're not in the mood, but we sure are willing to read all about it.  My guess is, if you told your hubs you'd like him to tie you up and take you 5 different ways, he'd be more than happy to risk a heart attack trying.  Many of us have our own Christian Grey (minus the private helicopter) sitting in our living room in his boxer shorts.  Put down your Kindle and go ravage that man (or get ravaged by him if that's what you want)!

4.  I also realized after reading this book that I could never be a Sub.  Duh.  All that taking orders and speaking when spoken to and sitting in a corner and shit like that would make me insane.  Plus, I just cannot wrap my mind around getting hit for pleasure.  Again, not going to go into detail here, but I think I'm pretty vanilla when it comes to that kind of stuff.  My first instinct would be to hit back - harder - and I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.

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256 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   201 – 256 of 256
Emily114 said...

I am so glad I'm not alone. It seems like every female I know loved this book, while I loathed it. I managed to finish the first one, but don't care to know what happens in the next two.

My main issue with the book is that a woman wrote such a pathetic, needy, co-dependent "heroine." Granted, I know the characters are based on Twilight, but I had the same issue with Stephanie Meyer. What happened to strong, independent women in literature? I don't care how hot and rich a guy is - he hits me, he'll be a ball short of a set. Give me Katniss and her bow and arrow any day.

Krysti said...

Someone showed me this and I immediately thought of you...no need to read the books, just read this and you've pretty much got the gist.

http://50shadesofsuck.tumblr.com/page/53

Bella116 said...

I just had to share this. A friend on FB asked if she should read the book. This is one of the responses she got back:

"Have a dictionary ready, they use some mighty big words. Open your mind, learn a few things, and enjoy!"

If this lady needed a dictionary to decipher the many meanings of "my breath hitched" and "his palms twitched", she needs a good punch in the throat!!

Anonymous said...

Jen!! Awesome review! I picked up the book b/c all my fellow coworkers were gushing about it! One male collegue credited it to bringing about a return of desire in his marriage. I read it and continued reading it to the end ( despite being icked out) to see! The only part I really enjoyed was when she left him! Sure the sex was hot but a guy wanting to hurt me?! That's not my thing! Maybe I missed the point and to each his own but I'm sure there is better written out erotica out there. I agree-- money is too be made and good for el James for tapping into the market.

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying said...

If someone ever hit me in the sack (like, the BED sack, not testicles because I don't have them because I'm a girl...oh never mind) I'd quite likely automatically knock his shit unconscious. Not sexy at all.
I'm with you on this one.

Meredith said...

Great review--what kills me is the people who say they are reading it for the literary quality...puh-lease!! The sex got boring even. Enough said!

Anonymous said...

LOL!!!! I read it when it was still posted as Master of the Universe on Fanfiction.net.. 89% similarity index between the two didn't convince me that they were better written, either.

Anonymous said...

Oh my!! he touched me.......down there!!! One of the most UNsexy books I've ever read the first 100 pages of. Ugggh!!!

nataliep said...

Reading the sex over and over became so boring! Seriously, she never was soar??? This would be normal in "normal" life! And she becomes so naive that it wants me to punch her myself. Grey is a little lame. I am sorry I ever spend the money, because it seemed cheap, boring, and tasteless. I love to read romance books once in a while, but the fuss about fifty is not all that.

I don't get why it's been dubbed "mommy porn", do mommys need a little help with their little sex life? Seriously, grave your man and explore! If "mommys" need to be turned on through "mommy porn books", there is defianatly something wrong in their relationship.
I would agree that talking to your man openly what you would like will make him your personal Christian Grey just much better because you share something together! Sorry, why is it hot to read about a naive virgin and a rich, perverted guy?

Clamidia Staines said...

Looking for a new take on this check out www.clamidiablog.wordpress.com. Hilarious parody of the erotic genre. She is Clamidia Staines - Agony Aunt & Sexpert. Funniest damn thing you'll read all year. Her new book has just been released on Kindle; 'Coming Clean with Clamidia Staines" Check it out. (contains adult humour)

Katrina Lumsden said...

"Plus, I just cannot wrap my mind around getting hit for pleasure. Again, not going to go into detail here, but I think I'm pretty vanilla when it comes to that kind of stuff. My first instinct would be to hit back - harder - and I don't think that's how it's supposed to work."

^^Could not agree more. Excellent review!

Anonymous said...

Definitely British. Who says, "Oh my" every time they have sex?

Anonymous said...

You complain about book two that means you was ignorant enough to READ not only the first BUT The second book lol get a life

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the post, couldn't have said it better myself. Felt the same way...didn't run out to get 2 and 3..:).

Ruby said...

EXACTLY! And that page (which I think was like page 2?) was exactly as far as I got before I deleted the 'free preview' from my iPhone. So glad I didn't pay for it or waste any more of my time reading it.

Aimee said...

Heather - Ditto! Except the skimming started in book 2 and I couldn't even bring myself to read book 3.

Honey Hill House said...

Thank you! I thought I was the only one who that thought that book was stupid. I thought This is it? This is what everybody is going on & on about? Am I really jaded or a sexual deviant? I could hardly make it through the first book let alone 3. I'm going to write me a dirty book too - ca-ching$$$$

Anonymous said...

Uhhh, what a waste of time...if the whole story ended with book 1, it wouldn`t have been too bad( I mean an exaggerated story of falling for a broken guy who can`t commit). But dragging it on and on, just to end with a candy sweet ending, only to leave a bitter taste in your mouth...Ugh, can this story be any more unrealistic...doubt it! What the heck is the point! Way way way too long...for me, the story ended with book 1.

Anonymous said...

Seems like the guy in this book is a douche canoe! I have no desire to read Shades of Grey and it pisses me off that in today's worlds so many women think this is okay. I've been with the same guy for 20 yrs and have never wanted to be hit or dominated. We also have a motto. Secret to a long happy marriage is lots of great sex. I know this book would only make me mad and your review confirmed it, Thanks!

oo7chick said...

Jen - you are wonderful! There is a lot of feedback here, so I'm not sure if you'll get the chance to read this. But I am really so very thankful to you for writing this. It is so informative and you tell it like it is. I could never waste my time/money on this load of crap. I am so happy I'm not alone on how I feel about it. I read a few pages from my sister's copy (whilst my mother was borrowing it from her...but of course) and I was like, seriously? I think it's awful women are reading this crap. It's disrespect (at least what I read) and I think I have enough info from researching/word of mouth to get the context of the plot and characters. No man should EVER treat a woman like that. Not with all the work women generations before us have been doing to fight for equal women's rights. It's pretty simple, really: A young woman finds a sugardaddy. The end. lol. (I mean, how exciting is that?) I'm just so disappointed in society. My personal preference is that I enjoy (and prefer) being the sub with my partner but I want to be respected simultaneously. People who respect their partners don't do things the other is not comfortable with and don't make demands. Now, in the act, that can change a bit, but it should be discussed in advance what limits you have. I am hardcore when it comes to sex, and I watch a lot of pornography - both with my hubby and without! I prefer hardcore and have had many partners (mostly men) who, in the past, have requested that I not be so into kinky sex and more vanilla. In fact, I sometimes had to beg my exes to do things to me that I wanted to have done. It was not the other way around at all. ... Bottom line - it's really sad people are praising this book (and the trilogy) so much and I can't believe women are sending a message to men (by approving of and reading this novel) that it is acceptable - and even exceptional - to treat a woman like Christian mis-treats Ana. This is NOT how real life is and it's not possible to have a healthy relationship in the way the book depicts. .. That is my opinion, and that is all!

Dawn said...

I uploaded the samples from all three books, read them because of the hype, and came to the same conclusions as you and Jen. Thank God I spent no money on this venture!

Nadia said...

LOL!!! I also hated that they seemed to murmur everything!!! BARF! How about that "Oh my!" ... I actually read half of it and returned it. I mean, twilight was terrible writing, but at least the story wasn't all bad.

Ann-Marie 2807 said...

Ok so I have not read it! But I read a lot, an awful lot really. And even big books! When I was a lot lot younger I got into the Fabio on the cover books but tired very quickly of the panting and the sex touching. My sister was crazy for this book, and she wanted me to read it really badly. She even bought me a copy so we could read it together, but I had a new book by John Connelly I just started and it was great. I like crime and serial killer stuff, Historical things that are realistic, books that you do learn from and books that open you up to new ideas and ways of life (not a serial killer by the way)! I like Sara Paretsky and Stephen King, Nicci French and my all time fav. Karin Slaughter, as well as many many more. Also I knew if I read the book at the same time as my sister I would scoff and mock (I cant seem to help myself, I am a leo so I think that is why)! and I didnt want to do that to her. She does not read books usually, so she loved loved loved this book. I am happy she was reading and hoped it would spur her on to new heights. She is 10 years younger than me so she has time!
But so glad there are so many women out there who have not enjoyed it! I have had very good sex in my life so far! I think some people are afraid to give themselves up to the fun and amazingness of good sex, maybe thinking it is sinful or something! The whole hiding the 'sinful sex book' thing and sneakily reading it when your hubby and kids are out of the way might have helped the book sales too though. But hopefully it was not because we women still that repressed in the bedroom! Hopefully we can let ourselves go with it and enjoy ourselves! Or maybe we just don't want to scare our nearest and dearest with our ardour and longings lol, sorry, me scoffing again (such a totally sarcastic bitch I am)!

Laura {and JR} said...

I totally agree with you on this review. How did this one get so much hype anyways? "Erotic romance" genre has been around forever. This book didn't do much for me. I started reading it, found out I was pregnant, forgot about it for a few months and then just barely finished it at 7 1/2 months pregnant. Ya, not really into that right now (or ever!) Good ol vanilla sex works for me...obviously.

Gigi said...

I just recently started following your stuff and love it great job!!

This quote you made is hilarious!!!

We should all write naughty books, because holy shit, those suckers sell! After reading 50 Shades, I'm not sure it would be that hard. I'm going to take The Hunger Games and sex it up. The arena will be filled with sex toys and whoever can...satisfy...all their opponents wins. I'll need a Thesaurus, though, because I can't think of too many ways to say "throbbing."

I am going to find a way to pin it :))

Ladyornot.com said...

Love this blog Michelle! Thanks for all the nice comments on my blog. ((Hugs))
x,
Becca
Ladyornot.com

Sheila Boone said...

If you're looking for some kinky erotica, check out "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" - it's written by Ann Rice back in the early 80's under a psuedonym (A.N. Roguelaure I think?) and it's CRAZY!!! Really really kinky dirty stuff, and it's based on the Sleeping Beauty fairy tale, and it's also part 1 of a trilogy. I have only read the 1st book, but I couldn't put it down once I started. It was just me and that book and my conscience going "Are you seriously still reading this?! You sicko..." Give it a try, you might like it :)

Virginia Llorca said...

I too had the instinct to hit back only harder. And I have great follow through. Maybe that's where it all went wrong.

Amanda Taylor said...

I've never heard of her, but maybe I'll have to look her up. I'll admit that I enjoyed Fifty Shades, but I'm really not that hard to please. I get sucked into almost any book/movie without much effort. Hell, I can be RESISTING and get sucked in.

Amanda Taylor said...

Oh, and I didn't know that it was Twilight fan fiction...which is weird because I thought I researched the book. Or maybe I did know and I forgot? Also, Sheila is not kidding when she says that, that is some nasty shit from Anne Rice. My step mom was like: "Here, read this paragraph out of this dirty book." Except she says it like a giddy school girl. It was NASTY. I'm not sure if it's good/bad nasty. I guess that's a matter of opinion, but I left the books at her house. No, I did not want to read them.

Crystal Green said...

I have to agree completely concerning your review. I think the best part of the whole review was that you reminded women that their own husbands would jump through hoops to be able to do this with them if given the chance. (At least most husbands would.)

I definitely think many people could have written better books worth mentioning. I have read better erotic stories in my time as well.

Great review. I'm going through your posts finding something funny posted about something your kids have done for a post I'm working on, but keep getting sidetracked by all of your other wonderful posts. :)

Alison said...

If you've read the first one, you really don't need to read the rest. Pretty much the same thing plus or minus a few characters and non-sex-related plot points.

Andrea said...

Sheri - that is as far as I got too, and there the book sits on my shelf. I have no desire to find out more. None.

Susan Thatcher said...

Ann Rice writing as A.N. Roquelare (I think) nailed the BDSM with the Sleeping Beauty trilogy.

You want a palate cleanser? How about a non-clumsy woman falling in love for real for the first time?

And if you have access to a Kindle (not a Nook) you can BORROW this book from the Kindle Owner's Library for free: These Foolish Things by Susan Thatcher (me)

http://www.amazon.com/These-Foolish-Things-Novel-Thatcher/dp/149039754X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1377186771&sr=8-1&keywords=these+foolish+things+susan+thatcher

Jessica said...

I think that the series is nothing more than an inaccurate, misleading, and *dangerous* attempt to disguise an abusive relationship as BDSM. It disgusts me that people are buying into this notion that you have to have a messed-up past or be "damaged" in some way in order to be enjoy kink.

If you want to read a great (and hilarious) chapter-by-chapter review of 50 Shades, and all the reasons why it's terrible, check out Jenny Trout's blog:

http://jennytrout.wordpress.com/jenny-reads-50-shades-of-grey/

Amy said...

I liked Hunger Games well enough, but whenever I see "Peeta" in print, I think of "Tales of a 4th Grade Nothing" because that's what Peter's younger brother, Fudge, called him. "PEEE-TAH!!"

Laurie Martell said...

I love to read, read all 3...didn't find it "all that and a bag of chips" that it was hyped up to be...the change in the characters was a bit of a let down, and the writing was not the best. But know I can say I've taken time to read "girl porn" and I can go back to my regular mystery/romance novels.

B. Paisley said...

I'm going to add my voice to the ones who say, "OK, one more bit of evidence supporting my lack of desire to read 50 Shades...," so thanks for that. But remember: when writing your own erotic novel for megasales and can't think of another word for a throbbing member, the word "turgid" is sadly often overlooked. :)

Anonymous said...

I read all three of these books. The second because my friends assured it was better than the first, the third because I don't like leaving things unfinished. I gritted my teeth the entire way through the third book thinking 'one of these fuckers better do the other in' - *spoiler*
Neither of the fuckers dies.
Talk about disappointed and ripped off.
I wanted to smack the stupid bitch in the face & explain to her how being part of some guy acting out a rape fantasy is not sexy.
One of the worst quotes? After yet another jealous, narcissistic, controlling rage she thinks 'at least we still have the sex, we'll always have the sex'.
Of course.
Because lets face it that's the one thing guaranteed to last in a relationship.

Can you tell I wasn't a fan? :P

Paige Prince said...

I read this book while it was still being published on fanfiction dot net and the characters were still Bella and Edward. I have a strange obsession with TwiFic but that's neither here nor there. I wasn't a huge fan of Master of the Universe (as it was called back then) and I like it even less now that its been "changed" to an original piece of fiction (no it hasn't - simply changing the names and a few locations does not make it any less of a Twilight ripoff).

I do not participate in the BDSM lifestyle. But as a reviewer, I've read a TON of books on the subject and I have many friends who are into it. So when I read about Christian & Ana's "super hot" D/s relationship, I had to go back and re-read the book. I read all 3, having been promises that Christian evolves as a character (he doesn't) and that the sex keeps getting better (it doesn't). From start to finish, Christian is a misogynistic, controlling, abusive asshole. Yes: ABUSIVE. He threatens her with actual beatings, not the punishment meant to give them both pleasure, but actual physical harm because he's angry with her for simply living a normal life that any 23 year old should be allowed to live (like, going out for a drink with your best friend/former roommate). He forces her to push away her friends and family so that she relies solely on him for financial and emotional support. She thinks multiple times throughout the series that she can't so certain things because it will upset Christian and then she'll get beat. He stalks her, even going so far as to follow her across the country when she specifically said she needed time and space away from him. But when he shows up, it's supposed to be romantic? No. I'd be filing a restraining order against his crazy ass.

I feel sorry for anyone who says they want their own Christian Grey. Having a richer than God and sexier than sin husband is all well and good but being married to someone I'm physically and mentally afraid of? Thanks, I'll pass.

Alex Cooke said...

This post is hilarious, I love it! Well written too, unlike 50 Shades

Alex
Fangirls&Foundations

Brielle Foster said...

The Movie Fifty Shades of Grey movie casts the twisted romance of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.this movie release on valentine day 2015.

Neelie78 said...

Jennifer, I totally respect your right to have an opinion. But, that freedom is about all I appreciate in your post.
You like that Christian encourages open dialogue about each other's expectations in the bedroom, to build trust. Trust? This character is a man who stalks, becomes enraged with jealousy if another man so much as glanced at Ana, had her babysat by his staff and his "compromise" on allowing Ana to have a job? He bought her company.
I know this review was lighthearted, but, I'm sorry, Christian Grey is one of the most abusive characters to ever be passed off as protagonist. It makes me sick that an inexperienced girl may read these books and believe that this assholish behavior is something to be desired.

SarahW said...

I am a bit late to comment as I am new to your blog and am reading your top posts. I just wanted to share that after I read the 1st book I read the 3rd thinking it was the 2nd. I was over half way through the book until I realised! At least it saved me from reading all 3 books! I have NO idea how it became so popular. I think you would do a good job at spicing up the Hunger Games ;)

James Jarrait said...

Was told to read this book by a female friend who was trying to say I should use it "as a guidebook for women". I laughed at it and picked it up (who can deny such a good promise of returns on reading a simple book.) Although I knew it wasn't going to help me but I was curious at what there was to say.

This article explains a lot of my disdain for the book so far. As a guy, this basically told me to get rich, be sexy, be young. Like I didn't fucking know that? Just gonna give her the book once i'm done, doubting this has any replay value considering it literally pissed me off by like page 15 or so.

Penny Flowers said...

Your review is right on! I keep telling my 30 year old daughter "What's all the fuss about? Harlequin romance novels did it better when I read my mother's as a child in the 1970's!" She just tells me "blasphemy!" At 47, nothing was new or exciting to me in those pages. I do have to say, I suckered myself into reading ALL 3 books hoping for the story to get as good as people told me it was and it didn't at all! Hours sucked out of my life I'll never get back!

Kerry Mayo said...

I only read this book because one of my best friends started reading it on a dare...and then when she started texting me quotes from this TERRIBLE book, I couldn't NOT get involved, lol. We made a game out of it- we would text each other the most ridiculous, most stupid quotes we could. It was really funny when I would get a text from her at a time when I'd least expect it and couldn't react as I would have liked! Oh, too funny.

I don't have a problem with smut, etc in literature. I do have a problem with poorly written prose and loathsome main characters I can't stand after two chapters. For the life of me, I don't get why women love this book.

I'd rather play the drinking game, where you drink every time Ana refers to her inner goddess. I'd be hammered in no time. Now THAT would be fun!

USA Kiwi (Kylee) said...

"Many of us have our own Christian Grey (minus the private helicopter) sitting in our living room in his boxer shorts"

DYING
DY-ING

Ashley Fuchs said...

This story was much more exciting when it was "Secretary" staring Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader.

maryan1 said...

He doesn't, evolve, that is. Just more of the same. Gets rather boring really.

Lynn Jeffers said...

Someone should bitch slap that girl if she says, "Oh my" one more time!

Sharon said...

Libraries are banning it? That's bizarre considering libraries are supposed to be defenders of intellectual freedom which includes the right to read boring, pedestrian, badly written soft porn. My local library is happily unafraid of 50 shades and includes nearly 300 copies of the regular book as well as the ebook, downloadable audiobook, book on CD and large print versions. All of which I can easily ignore because… yawn. My librarian can also suggest about 10 other erotic books that are better. We call them "blushables".

Precious Princess of Banananland said...

Ummmm, I never even made to the sex part. The book was just sllo damn bad, I couldn't continue.

thisisazy said...

I am one of the (apparently) few women who has not read, and does not desire to read, Fifty Shades of Gray. However, I do so love reading critical reviews of books I suspect stink on ice. That is why I read this particular review.

I was pleased as punch to find you were unimpressed. I suspect most writers would be. I say this because of another review I read, the reviewer being Dave Barry. In fact, it was in one of his books that I checked out from the local library, and I made the mistake of reading it during our long library day. (My daughter and I spend way too much time in the library, but we keep the pages employed, so I don't think they mind much.)

Here's a good bit of advice for library patrons: Do NOT read anything by Dave Barry while you are waiting for your kids to devour half the books in the kid's section. You only THINK you can handle it.

Anyway, I loved his review with every pulsating, pounding, pumping, undulating, bumping, thumping, vibrating, tingling, shuddering, twitching, convulsing, spasming, aching, shaking, quivering, quaking, and jolting burst of elating laughter that poured out of me! And not one but three, THREE, separate librarians walked over to see what I was reading in the process!

I bet you'd love it, too. Just so happens Time published his review as an excerpt from the book. I've included a link.

http://time.com/3030375/dave-barry-50-shades-of-grey/

Susan Jaye said...

I finally succumbed to getting this book from the library. Don't know if it's the authors writing style or her attempt to make it believable as Ana's 21 year old mind, but I feel like I am reading my 21 year old daughter's diary.

Since the author is in her 50's, why doesn't she write something for that age group. I'm in my 40's but think I speak for many~ I'm not a 21 year old virgin (if there is still such a thing) but I'm not a senior citizen yet either! Where's the smut for us?!

http://sadiesgathering.blogspot.com/2013/07/oh-please.html
http://sadiesgathering.blogspot.com/2014/05/is-it-just-me.html

Splash90 said...

AAAAAA-MEN. Spot on. By the way, do not even bother trying to read the other two. I watched the wickedly funny summaries by hollishillis on YouTube and Christian does NOT get better; he gets worse! I only tried to read the stupid thing because two of my neighbors RAVED about it. I could only get through 30%; I stopped at the "my own personal Christian-flavored popsicle" bath scene. I am actually glad I read some of it, though, because I got a LOT of laughs out of the 1-star Amazon reviews, and all the spoofs and satire surrounding it. There are some real gems on YouTube! My personal favorite is the "Drunken Reading."

You left out the worst part about the book: the atrocious "writing!" (In quotes because a 5th grader could write better than that.) That was THE worst-written book ever, and I never cease to be amazed that it was allowed to be published as-is without at least 10 rewrites and extensive editing. I know some people said Twilight's writing was bad; it was Austen compared to this.

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