Throat Punching in Paradise

I'm on Spring Break with the fam in Hawaii.

After a 16-hour journey we finally arrived in beautiful Hawaii. The first thing I noticed was the beautiful weather. "Ahhh," I said. "Sooooo much better than home." Then I checked my Facebook feed and saw that someone was bragging about 70 degrees back home.

Well, you know what? It's still Hawaii, asshole.

Heartless Homeowner's Association Denies Sick Child Her Wish

Today I was scrolling through my newsfeed when I saw an epic throat punch story happening almost literally in my back yard. I couldn't resist chiming in. I know a lot of you have read my Suburban Scourges book think I exaggerate about how awful some of the people are who live near me. I think this story will show you that I can't make this shit up.

Picture courtesy of the family

So, here's the story. There is a six-year-old girl named Ella who lives in a nearby town. She is very sick with cancer and she applied to Make-a-Wish. Her wish? It wasn't a trip to Disney or a hot air balloon ride. She wanted a playhouse. She wanted a playhouse in her backyard that she could play in on days when she felt strong enough. Make-a-Wish said: DONE. Then JE Dunn (a big time construction firm that builds stuff like the performing arts center) stepped up and said, We'll build it. We'll make it perfect. We'll even match the shingles on the houses in the neighborhood.

Then Ella's parents took their proposal to their Homeowner's Association (HOA) and the board looked it over and then said, NO.

Lies Dads Tell

We all know about telling little white lies to our kids.  This dad lies to his daughter everyday for a reason.  These are the kinds of sacrifices we make for our kids. 

CLICK HERE if the video does not load.

Disclaimer: I was not paid by Metlife to share this.

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My Mom Wants to See Fifty Shades of Grey With Me

My mom doesn't have her own Costco membership, so every few weeks she'll ask me to take her on a Costco run so she can get her fix of yoga pants and five pounds of apples.

We made the trek last week and took the kids with us.

My kids are big readers (thank goodness, or else I'd have to disown them) so they always like to look at the book section. We headed to the back of the store to browse. I was helping Adolpha find yet another book about dogs when I noticed that 10-year-old Gomer had was casually flipping through a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. I tried not to panic. I knew if I made a big deal that the book is verboten then he would be even more curious. So, I sidled up next to him and said, "Whatcha reading, Gomer?"

He looked guilty and dropped the book. "I didn't see anything," he said.

How Not to Stop the Flu Epidemic

I read today that a New York City youth soccer league is taking precautions to stop the spread of the flu virus that is raging through Manhattan. They are discouraging their elementary school aged players from giving high fives to one another for a good play or shaking hands with their opponents after a game.

I would rather catch the flu than touch this dollar bill. I don't think I can ever touch cash again.

We Can Do It!

Just last night we were talking about gender equality with our kids. (Because we do that when we're not singing the Diarrhea Song.) We were talking about what women get paid compared to men. Gomer announced, "Adolpha, when we're older I'll make more money than you, because I'm a boy."

My little feminist, Adolpha, was highly offended. "You will not! I will make as much money as you, Gomer!"

"Nope. Mom told me. Ladies make less than men even when they do the same job. It sucks, but that's the way it is."

I Need a Play Doh Penis Maker

You guys! Have you seen the Play Doh extruder tool that looks like a penis?

When I first saw the headlines for the story, I thought, How bad can it be? People are over reacting. It can't look that much like a penis.

Holy crap!! It looks just LIKE a penis.

via AdWeek

Actually, it looks more like a penis-shaped dildo. It has this raised band that wraps around the shaft (for her pleasure) and then beads around the tip. Sure, it's only three inches long, so there isn't much to ... uh ... work with, but STILL. I have dildos that look less dildo-y than this thing!