My Mom Wants to See Fifty Shades of Grey With Me

My mom doesn't have her own Costco membership, so every few weeks she'll ask me to take her on a Costco run so she can get her fix of yoga pants and five pounds of apples.

We made the trek last week and took the kids with us.

My kids are big readers (thank goodness, or else I'd have to disown them) so they always like to look at the book section. We headed to the back of the store to browse. I was helping Adolpha find yet another book about dogs when I noticed that 10-year-old Gomer had was casually flipping through a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. I tried not to panic. I knew if I made a big deal that the book is verboten then he would be even more curious. So, I sidled up next to him and said, "Whatcha reading, Gomer?"

He looked guilty and dropped the book. "I didn't see anything," he said.

Uh huh. I bet. 

"What's that book about anyway, Mom?" he asked.

"It's a love story," I said. "Kind of. It's not anything you would like. A lot of kissing." And other things ... "Ohh, look, I, Funny. Go read that, Gomer."

That's when my mom came over and grabbed the book, "Oooh! Fifty Shades! Have you read it, Jen?"

"Yeah," I said. "Didn't you read my review on my blog?"

"Oh, I forgot. Anyway," she said. "the movie is coming out next month."


"Are you going to see it?"


"Want to go with me?"

"No way," I said.

"Why not?" she pouted.

"Because you're my MOM! Ewww."

"So what?"

"Mommmmm! You're so embarrassing! There is no way I can sit next to my mom while Christian Grey gives Ana the hot beef injection three times in a row and probably once in her pooper. I can't remember if they did that or not."


"See? This is why we can't go together. I will be uncomfortable enough when Christian pulls Ana's bloody tampon out of her before they have sex. I don't need you whispering to me, 'What brand do you think they used?' No. I want to go alone, sit in the back in a giant hat and sunglasses and eat my popcorn and pray I catch a glimpse of Christian's throbbing meat popsicle."

I got home that day and mentioned this convo on Facebook. Two cousins and my sister-in-law didn't want to miss out on the fun. They all offered to come too -- and bring their moms. As my thirteen-year-old self would say: That would be totes awkward!

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Ali Arnone said...

I remember when the book came out my mom asked me if she "should read it." Please don't. I don't want to picture my mother reading the words "chocolate starfish" in my life, EVER.

Oh and the book is terrible and movie looks even worse...bye.

tamck said...

The first thing that went through my mind when I read the title, was "awkward". I can't imagine my mom wanting to see this movie with me. i can't even imagine her reading the book.
The only worse thing than mom wanting to see the movie with me I can think about is if my mother in law wanted to see it with me. She once asked me if she should read the book. I was like "heeeeeeeeeeell no!" I don't know what she would think of me if I told her to read it :D

Brandyn Blaze said...

Oh hell, my mom and I read those at the same time and had plenty of lengthy discussions about it. We're also planning to go to the movie together with a group of friends...then again, our relationship isn't the "typical" mother-daughter relationship, she's also my best friend. Sex has never been a "taboo" in our household, it's a fact of life, so there's not really any embarrassment around here!

Kristie's Blue Jeans said...

I will never, ever be mature enough to watch any type of sex scene with my mom, especially "Fifty Shades".

Nicole Pyles said...

I'm not sure I could even sit in a theater for that movie! I want to be in my apartment, alone....

Full Spectrum Mama said...

I still feel sick from watching Fanny & Alexander with my total prude wasp aunt when i was 12.
Don't do it!

Anonymous said...

All of you all think it's awkward that your mom's read it or want to watch the movie....

My dad read the books! He's 75 (i'm 32)! And then he asked me if I liked them. Totally inappropriate.

Unknown said...

My mum has spent the last year or so trying to get me to read these books. 'I'm a gay man mum! That's two whole reasons why I don't ever want to read it!'

SDJaye said...

Finally got the book from the library. I read the prologue to the 2nd book, and think I'll stop with the first. With the press that the movie is getting will probably wait till it comes out on DVD and check that out at the library. I can go in my hat and sunglasses and check everything out digitally.

Mandi said...

It would be a million times more embarrassing for my mother. I am far too outspoken and free with what I say and do. My mom would walk out of that theater 50 shades of red!
Mind you I have not read the book nor do I care to. I have even less of a plan to watch the movie, but you girls enjoy that!

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