Of Course Gwyneth Has a Candle that Smells Like Her Vagina

Source: Goop
You guys, I was just saying I wanted to get back to blogging. I was like, "I should blog again!" And then immediately, I was like, "Ugh, what would I even talk about?"

And then the clouds parted and the Blogging Gods allowed the planets to align into two of my favorite topics: Gwyneth Paltrow and vaginas. It's a sign!

Here's the thing, I was ready to call a truce with Gwyneth Paltrow the other night. Yeah, we've been locked in a one-sided feud since she started steaming her vagina and consciously uncoupling. It's been a bitter fight...even though she has no idea who I am...nor does she care what I think of her life. Or the rest of the internet, for that matter. Damn, in many ways we really should all aspire to be like Gwyneth! Aside from her terrible "health" advice, of course. Anyhoo, I saw her on the red carpet at the Golden Globes and even though she was dressed like a steamboat madam, I had to give her props because she looked ah-may-zing. I don't know if it was the jade egg jammed up her hooha or the daily two-hour workouts with18k gold dumbells, but something is working! I knew exactly how good she looked because the gunny sack she was wearing was essentially see-through and you could see every one of her abs. Her skin was gorgeous and even in 4K I couldn't spot a wrinkle. I was like, "Okay, Gwynnie, I bow down. You're aging terrifically and all your woo-woo magic beans are working."

BUT THEN she went and released a $75 candle that smells like her vagina and now our feud is back on.

I mean, come on! First, who pays $75 for a candle? I just went to the mega candle sale at Bath & Beauty Works and snagged a dozen for that price. Second, who is buying these? Who wants that?? After I got home from BBW I realized I barely want a candle that smells like cookies, I certainly don't want one that smells like Gwynnie's muffin!

This vag candle sounds like a total bust. I bet Gwyneth loses money on this one! Oh wait, I'm being told the candle is completely sold out and there is a waiting list. God damn it, that fucking gorgeous genius strikes again! I bow down. 

This got me thinking, though. What does Gwyneth's front butt even smell like anyway? I assume it's a heady mix of patchouli, cigarette smoke, ginger, privilege, and autumnal yum

According to Gwyneth it's a "funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent." Oh wait, that's what the candle smells like, not her coochie. I'm so confused because I thought the candle smelled like her vagina?

I'm even more confused after that description. No lady wants to be told her lady garden has an "unexpected scent." That's never a good thing, in my opinion.

And I have no idea what gorgeous or sexy smell like. But if you want to smell funny, I'm currently working on my own candle. I figure if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? Plus, my love tunnel smells unexpectedly hilarious!

Want more? Listen to my podcast!


Lindsay said...

Please keep blogging. I've been a fan for years, and your blog cracks me up. Especially when you talk about celebs that I also hate. Like Gwyneth Paltrow. She's a nutjob. Just when you think she can't do anything crazier, she comes out with crap like this.

Tricia the Funny One said...

Shouldn't this candle come in a tuna fish tin? Now that would be funny & unexpected!

Gayle said...

I'm done with the media frenzy

Mikelly Farms said...

I would happily send you a non-vaginated candle! Thank you for a glorious belly laugh.

AJAR said...

Oh, the accuracy! You gave me LIFE today. ROFL. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mduette said...

I will be laughing for days about your astute observation on the "unexpected scent." I'm with you...it pisses me off to no end how good she looks. In what world is that fair? Oh, right. In a world where her vag candle is a thing. I keep coming back to the fact that she is a parent. We thought our moms embarrassed US? Holy steamin' vaginas, were we wrong!

Kayla Martins said...

My husband and I have been married for about 7 yrs now. We were happily married with two kids, a boy and a girl. 3 months ago, I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing someone. He started coming home late from work, he hardly cared about me or the kids anymore, Sometimes he goes out and doesn't even come back home for about 2-3 days. I did all I could to rectify this problem but all to no avail. I became very worried and needed help. As I was browsing through the Internet one day, I came across a website that suggested that Dr Jumba can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he did a spell for me. Two days later, my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promised never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. My family are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Jumba . If you need a spell caster that can cast a spell that truly works, I suggest you contact him. He will not disappoint you. This is his Email:  
wiccalovespelltools@yahoo.com or wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com 
website  : http://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com
Whatsapp number and call number : +19085174108
personal blog created by me  dedicated to dr jumba : https://bestexperience2021.blogspot.com/

I'm Always Right

It is a ridiculously hot real estate market and the Hubs has been working overtime. When we first started working together way back in 2006 ...

Popular Posts