People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Conscious Uncoupling

FB

Conscious Uncoupling

I woke up this morning and learned a new phrase: "Conscious Uncoupling."

Do you know what that means? For the rest of us plebeians it means "divorce." However, for my favorite tree bark indulger, Gwyneth Paltrow, it also means divorce. But because she's Gwyneth, she has to call it something deep and spiritual and meaningful. She's not just getting a divorce like the rest of you, pond scum. She's Gwyneth and she does everything in her life with purpose and integrity ... and a PR team and a hair and make up person.


I'm never surprised when a celebrity splits. I always assume they will divorce at some point. I'm just surprised in the way it's done. I was riveted when Katie escaped her gilded cage while Tom was on a remote movie location and I was fascinated by Kim Kardashian's marriage that didn't even last long enough for her to receive the first sponsorship check from her elaborate wedding.

And today it's like Christmas. Today I awoke to find the Goop site completely crashed, but luckily, the Hubs had woken earlier than me and was holding me a spot, so I got to see this conscious uncoupling up close and personal.

"I'd tap that," Chris Martin.
When you first hit Goop to read Gwyneth's statement, you're met with a pop up box encouraging you to subscribe to her site so she can sell you things like a $900 throw that your kids will surely ruin with spilled juice. Hey, I don't blame her for that. She's going to be a single mom now and she needs to make some dollars to pay for her brick pizza oven.


And then you see a statement that says it's from Gwyneth and Chris, but we all know Chris was like, "Whatever, Gwynnie. I write beautiful songs for a living, but I'm sure my vocabulary won't be worthy enough for your Goopy breakup announcement. You just write it and I'll sign it. I'll be at the pub having a beer and my first cheeseburger in years. I'm having an orgasm right now just thinking about it."

The statement is full of heavy hearts and claims of lots of hard work. There's the obligatory we love each other a lot, but we can't be together. (This one always confuses me. If the Hubs and I ever get divorced I will hate his ever loving guts. We will not even be friends, let alone have any love for one another.) There is the cryptic "in many ways we are closer than we have ever been." Does she mean in proximity? Did Chris rent the townhouse next door? And then there are the requests for privacy while they "consciously uncouple and coparent."

Ummm .... are you kidding me, Gwynnie? You want privacy? You put this shit out on Goop.

Instead of having your publicist say, "Gwyneth and Chris are divorcing. Please respect their privacy during this difficult time" you called divorce "conscious uncoupling" and announced it on a site that sells $45 bikinis for babies. Even your divorce is pretentious. You can't take the veil down for a moment and call this what it is? Throw something! Tell us you're hurt and angry! Scream a little!

Nope. The letter would have been enough, but then Gwyneth double downed on her snobbery and invited Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami to educate the world on what consciously uncoupling means.

I'll be honest, I couldn't read the entire article, because my eyes started to bleed.

I gathered that conscious uncoupling boils down to it's still a divorce, but it's not our fault when we divorce. See, the problem is our pesky life expectancy. We used to only live to be 48 years old and now we live to be 81. We used to die before we were sick of our spouse. Now we live too long and we end up hating him. I mean, really, who can be expected to put up with one man's shit for 60 years when instead after 20 years, you can consciously uncouple and find another man whose shit you would rather put up with? But never call what you're doing divorce, because that sounds like a dirty word, so instead choose to uncouple.

Ahhh, that cleared it up for me! WTF??

Then the doctors went off the rails and starting talking about beetles and grasshoppers and esotericists who think dragonflies with 3 foot wingspans could have ruled the world, except their exoskeleton prevented them from flexibility and that's somehow related to this uncoupling.

"...the creation of insects was a failed attempt by nature to evolve a higher form of consciousness. ...Because they lacked flexibility, which is what evolution is all about, and couldn't adapt to changing conditions like humans can. The lives of people who imprison themselves in an exoskeleton of anger usually don't evolve the way they'd like them to, either."

That's some deep shit right there. I skipped the rest of the whole insect part, because it was giving me the heebie jeebies thinking about giant dragonflies.

Then the doctors ended with this bit of knowledge that sounds a lot like it came out of a fortune cookie or a line from Yoda:

"By choosing to handle your uncoupling in a conscious way, regardless of what's happening with your spouse, you'll see that although it looks like everything is coming apart; it's actually all coming back together again."

I'm not sure why Gwyneth and Chris are going their separate ways, but I'm going to guess that it has something to do with the fact that Gywneth caught Chris cheating on her ... with bacon and a polyester throw.

Had I known this was coming, I could have saved Gwyneth's marriage with this book: I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE. (Of course, I'm selling shit, but at least it's not $295 pajamas). The secret to a happy marriage is not a flexible exoskeleton, it's about laughing together for the next 60 years. 

Like this? There's lots more. Subscribe today and get me in your inbox.

55 comments:

KayLynn said...

I can't STAND her and her pretentious ass.

HouseTalkN Rossow said...

"I'd tap that"...you are killing me.

Jenna Moore said...

Yes, always choose to handle your uncoupling in a conscious way. But divorce is best handled unconscious or with tranquilizers.

mylynn1377 said...

How many times must celebrities reinvent the wheel before we call them on their asshattery? Seriously you're getting a muther truckin divorce just like the rest of the peons. Sure you can get along with the other parent. I do it well as long as I don't have to actually live with the man because that's when I break out in a bad case of murderous rage. This is just another addition to the long list of things that have been ruined by celebrities because they have to rename everything. She makes me want to poke out her eyes sometimes. Someone needs to surgically remove that stick from her butt and smack her with it.

RachRiot said...

Chris Martin just washed that GOOP right outta his hair! Good for him.
As for Gwynnie.. after reading her statement, I just consciously uncoupled from the vomit in my mouth. *flush*

Rae and Joe said...

Very ironic that when I came to your blog to read your wonderful words, there are ads for "restorsea" with Gwynnie's picture on them. I can't figure out if you did that on purpose. LOL

Elizabeth Catalano said...

This is my new favorite phrase. She's just so damn mindful. Made my morning. Caption under burger was priceless.

Frugalista Blog said...

Oh Gwyneth. She's a tough nut to crack. Smokes her cigarette every Saturday, then goes and does wheat grass shots while downward dogging her hemp yoga mat. We wish her the best. I'm going to bet there's plenty who will unconsciously couple Chris though.

Christine Burke said...

When I saw you wrote that yesterday, RachRiot, I CRACKED up....inspired writing right there is what that is...

Christine Burke said...

Anyone else think it's hilarious that Gwyneth's face is on the ads here?? Coincidence? I think not....

Katy B said...

I thought you might've purposely put ol' Gwynie's mug on here. Ha! Maybe they can uncouple, not officially divorce, and then get back together again when the public's attention starts to wane again.

S said...

I'm with you, Jen: as long as my husband and I love each other, we will remain married. If we ever divorce, that will mean I can't even stand to be in the same room with him anymore (or vice versa).

the_happy_hausfrau said...

Sweet Jesus. I can't even get divorced right. I wish Gwyneth had uncoupled a few years back so I could have known how to go about getting uncoupled correctly.

And yes, the statements about how they still love each other make me taste bile. My ex-husband is one of my least favorite people on the planet. I'm past the sad and bitter stage but we aren't going to be getting together for walks or poker games anytime soon.

LeeAnn P. said...

I hope he feeds those kids nothing but cup o' soup every other weekend.

Veronica said...

And McDonald's!!

Kim Bongiorno at Let Me Start By Saying said...

You are in rare form today, my dear. OMG, I can't get over that cheeseburger caption.

Lisa Poltz said...

I'm seeing a new line of greeting cards for Ms. Paltrow..."On Your Conscious Coupling blah blah blah..."

Is there cheese in it? said...

I hate to laugh at someone else's hard times, but, hahahahha, that was hysterical. I wish I could afford to have a conscious uncoupling from the real world, too!

Amy Flory said...

I want to couple with that cheeseburger in the worst way.

Micki Ansted said...

Gynneth has been whining about how hard marriage to the same man for so many year is so hard forever. Sick of her and her unrealistic views of life. I'm sorry for her troubles but than again, she named her kid Apple.

Ashley Albers said...

So she gets to have all of the rumored affairs and make the snobby uncoupling statement. Chris Marten has to be so over her by now...moving on to that cheeseburger.

Otis said...

You know what uncouples? Trains...

Bryna Ramirez said...

Well said. Hee hee.

One Bad Pixie said...

This!

One Bad Pixie said...

Brilliant post! I am trying to uncouple at the moment. Consciously, unconsciously, subconsciously- whatever the bloody hell works! We sure won't be taking a trip anywhere together to celebrate it either. Well a trip sounds right, but certainly not together!

Katy said...

I loved this line: If the Hubs and I ever get divorced I will hate his ever loving guts.

And the one about the bacon and polyester throw! Godspeed, Chris. Godspeed.

Liz said...

Best take on this I've read all day!

Lola Vidal said...

FLIPPING high-LARIOUS! More proof that although bacon giveth, bacon also taketh away.

Deva Dalporto said...

Hysterical as always!!!

tammy kelly said...

She's a bitch, What guy in his right mind WOULDN'T cheat on her.

tikitonya said...

Supposedly she was the one cheating on him.

I love the fact that not only did she post the blog story about their "uncoupling" on Goop, an email with a link to the story went out to all newsletter subscribers. Because we all care...so much.

Lillian Carilo said...

*hurl* 'Conscious Uncoupling'... more like, Conscious I'm-Tired-Of-Your-Sh*t,-I'm-Done-pling, am I right?

litlsuzzy said...

There she goes, stealing my thunder. I was going to announce my "conscious get-out-now-ing" this week. Now it's going to look like I'm copying her.

Meredith Gordon said...

I'm fairly certain that the only reason they are getting a divorce is because it's the only way chris martin felt like he could eat a carbohydrate.
xo

Kathy Glow said...

I was so hoping you'd write about this and you did so brilliantly. I really hope Chris gets to tap that cheeseburger and more.

Rory Bore said...

meh - whatever..... as long as our image stays intact and we still makes hordes of money of you sheeple.
I think that's the best definition of such a pretentious term. You failed at marriage idiots. just own it.

Daniel Dragon Films said...

"When something is broken, and you try to fix, it, trying to repair it... aw, screw it, I'm going out to drink beer and fart all day... Try not to kill yourself while I'm gone"

--Chris Martin's evil twin

r/b said...

Um...I'd like to take this moment to make everyone on PIWTPITT that I will be going a "somewhat unconscious coupling" with some fat that will mystically and importantly wind up on my ass...it might be due to the really profound and touching relationship I have cosmically made with the Thinmint and the leftover cookie dough ice cream after reading this perplexing announcement from Ms. Paltrow. I feel closer in a way to the fat pants I had put in the Goodwill bag...and then pulled back out again....We will always be close friends, those pants and I.

Jennifer Hicks said...

I'm considering Gwenyfying my vocabulary on the regular. For example, Pensive Unplaqueifying is how I start my day, after an Intentional Debladderization spell. #ICanSpeakGwenyth

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms said...

So if I understand this correctly, I should give my husband a box of beetles for our anniversary. Ellen

Lois Alter Mark said...

Perfect. Just perfect.

Victoria Kage Beckons said...

um, actually? i think we are really lucky to have gwenyth paltrow even corresponding with us mere mortals. that she thought enough of us and our feelings to create an ass-licking, made-up name for something that we may THINK we know about but actually, what she is going through is TOTALLY DIFFERENT to what we lowly troglodytes experience when we separate and/or divorce...it just really makes me want to spend $125 on a set of ivory cocktail napkins. just to show my support for the woman who is so much better than the rest of us, with the self-proclaimed "butt of a 22-year-old stripper".

Middle-aged Diva (Carol) said...

Yes, the emperor has no clothes! That term UC is ludicrous.
Carol
www.carolcassara.com

r/b said...

Wait, wut? She said she has the "butt of a 22-year-old stripper"....? Whoa, now, Sister....
Well, I went and checked just now.....
I have the butt of someone that has been stripping for 22 years.....stripping furniture and floors.
I'm hot...
(No, literally, I'm hot.........flashing.)

Bobbing for Apples said...

Absolutely brilliant post. Thank you.

Shannon Bradley-Colleary said...

I want you to know that I just consciously uncoupled my breasts. My left one has always been much larger than my right one and to make matters worse, still has feeling left in the nipple after copious breastfeeding, where the right nipple has no nerve-endings left and is simply for show, and the right breast, globally, resemble a pitted prune. My left breast had to be moved to my back. While my breasts will no longer be a couple, they've really never been closer. Which is actually a lie because they fucking hate each other. It's a battlefield people.

heidilea said...

The thing about life expectancies being longer is bullshit. Yes, the median age for a person in 1900 was around 48, but that was because so many children died of illness. If you survived childhood, you had a good chance of living to ripe old age. The difference between marriages lasting then and not now had nothing to do with chronology, rather, your marriage was supposed to be based off business and likeability, love would come later. And, divorce was extremely scandalous.

However, the insect bit is so fucking ridiculous I could not stop laughing. These people clearly don't understand science, evolution, or reality.

Wendy said...

I think you nailed it... I think she takes herself WAY too seriously!

Kristen Mae said...

I'm so glad I read this instead of goop. I'm 100% sure this was a million times better. =)

Tanya said...

I heart you!!! Did you see her latest interview about how hard she has it as an actress? Us regular working stiffs have it WAY easier according to her. LOL.

Tanya said...

This is awesome.

Vicki Lesage said...

No need to even waste my time with the GOOP article - your post and the comments are infinity times better.

Bethany said...

I think the important question is whether or not there's such a thing as "unconscious uncoupling." Like, does anybody ever wake up and go, "wait, are we divorced??? I genuinely have no recollection of ever having decided to do that!"

Tanya said...

AAAHHHHH ha ha ha ha ha !!!!

apatnaik said...

Thank You! This has saved a life. Literally ready to blow my brains out before this. Currently on a "family" vacation with my three daughters and so to be ex wife at her parents place. Because that's apparently what you do to save the kids from realizing their family is about to get crapped on. I'm my case I've been told we are consciously uncoupling. Which Seems to mean that I'm just not being a douche bag about the fact that's free 18 yrs she's happiest dating her deadbeat high school boyfriend but taking $8k a month from me.IMHO, kids would be best served but a little honesty and accountability. Thanks Gwenny.