Do you know what that means? For the rest of us plebeians it means "divorce." However, for my favorite tree bark indulger, Gwyneth Paltrow, it also means divorce. But because she's Gwyneth, she has to call it something deep and spiritual and meaningful. She's not just getting a divorce like the rest of you, pond scum. She's Gwyneth and she does everything in her life with purpose and integrity ... and a PR team and a hair and make up person.
I'm never surprised when a celebrity splits. I always assume they will divorce at some point. I'm just surprised in the way it's done. I was riveted when Katie escaped her gilded cage while Tom was on a remote movie location and I was fascinated by Kim Kardashian's marriage that didn't even last long enough for her to receive the first sponsorship check from her elaborate wedding.
And today it's like Christmas. Today I awoke to find the Goop site completely crashed, but luckily, the Hubs had woken earlier than me and was holding me a spot, so I got to see this conscious uncoupling up close and personal.
|"I'd tap that," Chris Martin.|
And then you see a statement that says it's from Gwyneth and Chris, but we all know Chris was like, "Whatever, Gwynnie. I write beautiful songs for a living, but I'm sure my vocabulary won't be worthy enough for your Goopy breakup announcement. You just write it and I'll sign it. I'll be at the pub having a beer and my first cheeseburger in years. I'm having an orgasm right now just thinking about it."
The statement is full of heavy hearts and claims of lots of hard work. There's the obligatory we love each other a lot, but we can't be together. (This one always confuses me. If the Hubs and I ever get divorced I will hate his ever loving guts. We will not even be friends, let alone have any love for one another.) There is the cryptic "in many ways we are closer than we have ever been." Does she mean in proximity? Did Chris rent the townhouse next door? And then there are the requests for privacy while they "consciously uncouple and coparent."
Ummm .... are you kidding me, Gwynnie? You want privacy? You put this shit out on Goop.
Instead of having your publicist say, "Gwyneth and Chris are divorcing. Please respect their privacy during this difficult time" you called divorce "conscious uncoupling" and announced it on a site that sells $45 bikinis for babies. Even your divorce is pretentious. You can't take the veil down for a moment and call this what it is? Throw something! Tell us you're hurt and angry! Scream a little!
Nope. The letter would have been enough, but then Gwyneth double downed on her snobbery and invited Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami to educate the world on what consciously uncoupling means.
I'll be honest, I couldn't read the entire article, because my eyes started to bleed.
I gathered that conscious uncoupling boils down to it's still a divorce, but it's not our fault when we divorce. See, the problem is our pesky life expectancy. We used to only live to be 48 years old and now we live to be 81. We used to die before we were sick of our spouse. Now we live too long and we end up hating him. I mean, really, who can be expected to put up with one man's shit for 60 years when instead after 20 years, you can consciously uncouple and find another man whose shit you would rather put up with? But never call what you're doing divorce, because that sounds like a dirty word, so instead choose to uncouple.
Ahhh, that cleared it up for me! WTF??
Then the doctors went off the rails and starting talking about beetles and grasshoppers and esotericists who think dragonflies with 3 foot wingspans could have ruled the world, except their exoskeleton prevented them from flexibility and that's somehow related to this uncoupling.
"...the creation of insects was a failed attempt by nature to evolve a higher form of consciousness. ...Because they lacked flexibility, which is what evolution is all about, and couldn't adapt to changing conditions like humans can. The lives of people who imprison themselves in an exoskeleton of anger usually don't evolve the way they'd like them to, either."
That's some deep shit right there. I skipped the rest of the whole insect part, because it was giving me the heebie jeebies thinking about giant dragonflies.
Then the doctors ended with this bit of knowledge that sounds a lot like it came out of a fortune cookie or a line from Yoda:
"By choosing to handle your uncoupling in a conscious way, regardless of what's happening with your spouse, you'll see that although it looks like everything is coming apart; it's actually all coming back together again."
I'm not sure why Gwyneth and Chris are going their separate ways, but I'm going to guess that it has something to do with the fact that Gywneth caught Chris cheating on her ... with bacon and a polyester throw.
Had I known this was coming, I could have saved Gwyneth's marriage with this book: I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE. (Of course, I'm selling shit, but at least it's not $295 pajamas). The secret to a happy marriage is not a flexible exoskeleton, it's about laughing together for the next 60 years.
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