Nicole Imprescia

8. Nicole Imprescia.  I just have to start out by saying Who the hell does this woman think she is?  She's worried her kid is too dumb to get into an Ivy League school and she paid $19,000 for a 2 year old to go to preschool?  Who's the dummy now?

I'm a little stunned that this woman has already written off her four year old child as a complete loss because her preschool didn't prepare her for Ivy League.  What kind of mother is that?  "Well, that's that, Lucia, you'll be lucky to get a job at McDonald's now!"  My question is: If your kid is so smart and so gifted, she shouldn't have needed a program to get into an Ivy League.  You could have put her in a closet and she still would have been smart enough come test time.

I went to the York Avenue Preschool website and nowhere on there does it promise to get your kid into an Ivy League school.  It doesn't even mention colleges or universities.  Ms. Imprescia (come on, we all know she's a Mizzzz.  She'd never settle to be anyone's Missus) got wrapped up in all the B.S. she was hearing at her local Upper East Side hot, must-do class of the month.  Probably Mommy & Me Baby Picasso slash Sing and Sign in Cantonese Class for Fetuses.  I bet she was 7 months pregnant listening to all the other mommies talking about getting Grayden or Maryse (these mommies don't go for Aighmey, they go with "family" names) on the waiting lists to get into the "very best preschool in Manhattan."  She freaked out and started attacking preschool interviews and research the way most of us would interview cancer specialists when we've been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  That is a life of death situation - preschool admittance is not.

Here's what I know.  We have a Harvard grad in our family and he never went to an elite private preschool.  He arrived in this country without a word of English and attended the closest New York City public school.  He attended a competitive (but still public) high school and was eventually accepted into Harvard (not to mention almost every other Ivy League school you can think of).  If he had not been accepted into Harvard, I know his parents would have NEVER said, "It's because your preschool didn't prepare you!"  No, they would have said, "It's because you didn't study hard enough!"

Once again, I am always amazed at the bubble some New Yorkers live in.  There is a class of people who live there who just don't get what the rest of the world is up to.  These are the people who are overwhelmed managing 2 kids, 4 nannies, a housekeeper, a cook, a houseman, a driver and an assistant not to mention trying to keep up with the hottest new restaurants (Fuud) and trendy places to go on vacation ("For winter break we're going to Lapland where we can rent a chalet made entirely of ice!  We'll be wheels up tomorrow at 10 a.m.").

They believe the sun rises and sets on that elusive Ivy League diploma.  I don't know about you, but I didn't attend an Ivy League school and I'm doing OK.  Yes, I live in Kansas and to these people that's like the armpit of America to them, so right there, that would be unacceptable.  They'd never visit their children if they settled in Kansas - or even, God forbid, New Jersey.

I only have one luxury car and I have to drive it myself.  I have a cleaning lady - twice a month.  I don't have a nanny (but I have a mom close by who pitches in for free).  I've never had a cook or a houseman.  I was once an assistant to these kinds of people, so I know what I'd have my assistant do if I ever had one (take fecal specimens to the doctor's office - true f'ing story).

My kid attends a pretty great preschool though.  I was reading about the faculty at York.  They all have certifications in Early Childhood and most have Master's in Early Childhood Education.  My preschool's faculty offers the same levels of education.  They teach my kid her letters, numbers, colors, etc. through interactive play and she has art, gym, music and library time, just like York offers.  She doesn't get French (Mon dieu!), but we'll be OK.  French is not that important to our family since we don't have a chateau in France where we summer.

By now, you must be thinking, Wow, what do you pay for this education?  It is Kansas, so it's not as expensive as New York City where it costs $19K.  Hmmm, maybe $10,000?

Nope.  $11 bucks a day.  Sucka.

I hope when you bring this case to court, Ms. Imprescia, the judge punches you in the throat and throws your case out on its ass.