Ladies, Stop Steaming Your Vaginas

Last week, I had to hop a plane to DC for a couple of days. I had a nagging feeling that I was forgetting something. And then I realized it was only because I was traveling alone! For once, I only had to worry about myself instead of keeping track of my kids and all their crap. Or so I thought...

It wasn't until I got to my hotel and fired up my computer and saw the breaking international news that Gwyneth Paltrow is steaming her vagina (I assume with a side of broccoli - that girl is a vegan multi-tasker) that I realized what I had forgotten. The little blinking light in the corner of the screen told me that my battery was low and the end was near. My computer would shut down in 1 minute unless I plugged it in. I reached into my empty bag and discovered that I'd left my cord at home.


How could the universe conspire against me like this? GWYNETH is STEAMING her VAGINA and I haven't got a computer that works!!

So now I'm back home and my computer is ready to go. I might be a little late to the clam bake, but I can't let this event go without comment.

I thought getting my vagina rejuvenated was enough, but I was wrong. Now I need to be steaming it too?

Oh come on!

What the fuck, Hollywood? Is there any weird thing you people won't try?

In case you're curious about the supposed cleansing benefits of the V-Steam, here's a quick run down.
There are all different levels of steaming. There's Gwynnie who takes her posh penis pocket to a spa and sits on a "throne" and organic, magical herbs steam and cleans her uterus. I assume they're magical, because medical professionals have confirmed it is impossible (and mugwort is totally an ingredient in a vanishing tonic or something in Harry Potter). Your uterus can't be reached by the steam, nor should it. 

Then there are the earth mother wombmyn who seat their bushes on home made reclaimed wood chairs with holes in the seat. These custom stools are placed over a basin of steamy greens below the hole and you sit there for 30 minutes while your innards get blanched -- I mean, gently steamed.

What do you do for those 30 minutes? It's been suggested that you mediate, you contemplate, or you just be during that time. You could surf goop and buy some cool expensive shit. Those all sound like a huge waste of time. I say knock out two birds with one stone. Take that time to do your oil pulling! Swish that shit in your mouth while your pussy gets puckered.

When I first heard about the steaming vagina thing I thought it was another stupid fad to improve the look of your tired meat flaps, but then I read a bit closer and I got irritated. It's one thing to sit on a pile of wilted weeds to clear the cobwebs out of your love canal, but it's another thing to think that this act could do anything more than make your vagina sweat. This cannot clean your uterus (it's a impossible and your vagina is a self cleaning oven), balance your hormones, or help you conceive. This is absolute bullshit. This is a bunch of rich women who are being conned into thinking they need to do one more thing to look better and feel better. And it's not just the women. The LA spa where Gwyneth gets her hooha heated now offers A-Steams for the gentlemen. That's right fellas, step right up! Not only do you need to get your assholes bleached, now you must blow some hot, juicy air up there.

These celebrities are doing it wrong. You don't need to pay $50 for these treatments. There are plenty of affordable home remedies. For instance, I have the Shark steam mop. I just need to fire that thing up and mount it for 20 minutes. I've got a tea kettle I use every morning. Why not brew some tea and baste my baby maker all at once? Better yet, there's a free alternative: spend an August weekend in Kansas without air conditioning. You can get swamp ass for free!

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Lava Shadow said…
I think I'll stick to hot bubble baths.
Rebel Mony said…
Not a big fan of steamed clam!
KayLynn said…
Ugh I CAN'T stand ol Gwennie.. shes a freaking moron
I just --- ack, I always think i am kinda funny...then I read your stuff and stand here at my expensive and prestigious walking desk (read: computer piled on old $hit on a regular desk), slack-jawed, having laughed my upper meat flaps into jello.
Anonymous said…
Stacey Hatton said…
A Kansas swamp ass is the WORST! lol! No mention of sipping Clamato while steaming your pooter?
Unknown said…
Do u have any facts behind saying it doesn't work? I have tried it myself and find it very relaxing as well as cleansing. So have many other women i know whom it helped with unpleasant odors, yeast infection and yes fertility issues. Even if you dont agree with the pracice it's not harmful, its amazing to me how many will question everything thats natural but so happily sign up for all the medications that leave sooooo many side affects smh.
Cimaron said…
We're on the same page. Not only a moron, but a bitch. I read how condescending she is to her fans and it really pissed me off. If it wasn't for her fans, how does she think she'd be able to pay for putting hot steamy air up her V-J-J? That is down right the most stupid thing I've ever heard of.
Cimaron said…
How exactly does it help with fertility? Does it make you fertile? It doesn't reach ur uterus. Does it reach your non usable eggs and make them usable again? Does it unclog fallopian tubes? Seriously, how does this wonder magic steam going up your vagina (only so far, mind you) help with fertility issues? I have a girlfriend who's been having trouble getting pregnant. She's been trying for almost two years now. I'm thinking, maybe this is her cure???
Anonymous said…
And you were worried that you wouldn't write anything funny again (from your "midlife crisis) post! Jen, Gwyneth will keep you in writing trim for several more decades.
Anonymous said…
Even it it wasn’t natural, it’s still stupid. Plus wouldn’t it just make you horny? Being all relaxed from the steam down there?

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