Ladies, Please Stop Nagging Your Husbands (and Other Terrible Advice for a Pandemic)

Today I woke up in my third week of staying at home and I perused the news like I do every morning. As you can imagine, there wasn't much out there but gloom and doom. I used to read the news every morning so I could be inspired to write something. I haven't felt very inspired lately. But today, that all changed.

Today I stumbled upon an article that stopped me in my tracks. It was like the old times! I could feel my heartbeat escalate and my breath quicken. I could feel the old familiar sense of hot rage bubbling up from deep down inside where I'd buried it under several layers of apathy, numbness, and what-the-fuckery. I suddenly felt alive again and ready to write. I had a mission! I had something to say again!

By now, you're probably wondering what was this magical article that awakened me.

Well, dear readers, I'll tell you. As you know, we're in the midst of a global pandemic. (I only remind you because in 20 years when we're reading these posts again we will have forgotten what a goddamned shit show we lived through.) So, we're dealing with the pandemic and the news is full of terrifying statistics and a garbled mess of word salad advice to help you stay alive that changes hourly. But in the middle of all this, there's always some quasi-helpful fluff piece about how to self-care or reduce anxiety during these troubled times. A lot of times it's shit like homemade face masks or the benefits of running in place since we can't leave our houses.

Today's PSA was brought to us by the Malaysian government. Apparently, the Malaysian government is spending money to create and share a very helpful guide for women who are trying to manage quarantine with their husbands. Living with the same person every day with no break can be difficult. Close quarters with no end in sight, stress levels run high, tempers flare, rinse and repeat. We could all use a little advice about coping, right?

Don't worry, the Malaysian government has our backs, ladies. Here's a short list of their helpful tips (with my interpretations):

1. Don't nag your husband.

Quit your bitching, Carol. Bob knows the trash needs to go out. He'll get to it when he's good and ready. Is dinner ready yet?

2. Look pretty.

Is that what you're wearing today? Didn't you wear that yesterday, Carol? Bob bought you some very nice dresses, put one on. No one should see you looking like that, but especially not Bob.

3. Fix your face.

Damn, Carol. A barn looks better painted. Are you even trying?

4. Be funny.

No. Funnier. Be like that robot cat thing your husband likes. Nevermind. Stop. Women aren't funny.

Let me know what you think of this list. Tell me the real ways you're coping with being shut in with your whole family forever. Wash your hands, stay home, and thank an essential employee. 

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Rikki said...

To keep myself entertained: Wash my hands in secret then start cooking making my germaphobe husband think I am cooking without washing my hands. Because if he asks me one more time if I washed my hands I'm going to sit my naked ass on a hot grill just to feel the white hot rage somewhere other than my soul.

I'm fine. We're fiiiiiiiine.

Unknown said...


Kate said...

Oh yes girl yessss. I contemplated sticking my hand in the boiling noodles water for that reason.

missannw said...

Agreed! In my house we are practicing spousal distancing, not social distancing!

Unknown said...

I'm teleworking so I chased him out of his office. Not that he needs it, he's retired and a full time student on spring break so he's been outside in his shop or working on remodeling projects elsewhere in the house. So far neither of us has felt like murdering the other. I count that as a win!

Anonymous said...

That is right out of a 1950s home economics textbook. We're both teleworking and we're both lucky if we don't spend the entire day in our PJ pants. After all, all anyone can see on Zoom is my head and shoulders. I figured out how to 'touch-up' my face on Zoom so I don't have to put on make-up.

gigi wolf said...

I don't know what everybody is bitching about. Granted, nothing much changed for us since we're both retired, but people who aren't, but are at home, are still free to sit outside in the spring sunshine and read a book, do some gardening, walk the dog, start a new website, write a memoir, study Italian, or practice the damn harmonica. Courses on Udemy are free and deeply discounted for new users.

No other humans in history had a quarantine so cushy. Shut up, already. How's that for a fluff piece of advice?

Anonymous said...

I'm the hand washing Nazi in my house, and he loves getting the mail and packages from our coughing rural carrier, bringing them indoors, and then touching every f'ing surface in the house without washing his hands.
Yesterday I told him if he kept it up he could move out and then go lick toilet seats in the mall restroom for all I cared.
Things are fraying badly here...

Jess said...

Its totally non fluff & I do see your point here. My question is though do you see the other sides point? 2020 America was go go go , school, routine, go go go , freedom without fear until one day it all came to an abrupt HALT. We know we're lucky but im sorry actually im not , this is tough for a magnitude of reasons and as a mother in her mid thirties whom was raised with all the go go go way of life, to an extent, I believe your misunderstanding or not concerned with understanding where these feelings come from. I do assure you, had you felt these feelings you'd be speaking differently. Perspective dear friend, Perspective.
Blessings and stay safe!

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