I'd Like to Apologize in Advance for My Current and Future Behavior

Hiya! I'm not sure if you got the memo, so I'm going to go ahead and get you up to speed. On SEPTEMBER 9TH Random House published my new book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what the cover of the book looks like. You should be looking for this cover when you're looking for my book.

That's right, PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT: COMPETITIVE CRAFTERS, DROP OFF DESPOTS, AND OTHER SUBURBAN SCOURGES is here!

Yeah, can you believe it? I know, I know. It seems like I've been working on it FOREVER. Trust me. I get it. It's only taken a year to get this sucker done, but when you consider that it has been my dream to have Random House publish my book since I was about, oooooh five years old, then it seems like a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealllllly long time. But the good news is, it's finally here. That's right, folks, the time is nigh. (Nigh. That's my fancy I'm a published author vocabulary word for this post.)


Because I'm so excited and proud, I'm going to talk about this book. Like a shit ton. No. More than that even. And it won't be humblebrags like, "You guys, it's so ah-may-zing that #throatpunch is trending worldwide on Twitter right now. Just hope I can reach a few people with my words. Feeling #blessed." No. Screw that. I'm going to be like, "YOU GUYS, holy shitballs!!! My book is number one in some random subcategory on Amazon and I'm so close to dominating the world right now and I'm crapping my pants with excitement. Hold me!"

Like this:

See? I told you I'd do this.

But once I start going crazy with the screenshots, I can't be stopped:

Yeah, this happened. I was hanging out with some of my favorite funny BFFs and the hilarious George R.R. Martin. He's a real cut up. 

You'll also see a lot of: "Hey, did you get my book yet? 'Cause it's available and you should totally go get it. Just go now to the bookstore, it's OK, the kids will be fine by themselves. They've got the TV to keep them company. And get one for your neighbor too." And a few: "Really, what are you waiting for? Why haven't you bought my book yet? I realize groceries are important, but reading feeds your body too, you know. Priorities. Get some."

Here is it is on the New Releases table at Barnes & Noble.


And on the shelf alphabetized incorrectly:

Last time I checked, Mann comes before Martin and Martin comes before Marx, but I'm next to Steve Martin on a shelf in a bookstore, so I'm not going to complain!

I've heard my book is on tables titled New Releases, Blog to Book, Web to Page, and Social Media. I've also heard rumors of it showing up in the Teen and Children's section! Oh no! I was going to move the stack of books at my local B&N to the Movers and Shakers table right next to Hillary's book, but I lost my nerve.

I'm not sure how long I'll make an ass of myself, but I think you should go ahead and plan for a couple of weeks maybe even a month or two. Let's just play it by ear.

Needless to say, it's going to annoy some of you, so I'd like to apologize in advance. It's just that I'm really freaking excited and I can't stay quiet. Also, I have to talk about the book a lot, because even though YOU know it's out and YOU got a copy already, there are a bunch of people who missed the memo, because they're not as up to date as you are. There are a lot of people who read my blog and they don't check in every single day like you do. They don't follow my Facebook thread religiously like you do. I need to reach them too. I'm just trying to get everyone on the same page...of PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT: COMPETITIVE CRAFTERS, DROP OFF DESPOTS, AND OTHER SUBURBAN SCOURGES. (Did you see what I did right there?)

Another reason why I need to talk about this book incessantly is because I'm a one-chick sales team. That's right. It's all me. You're not going to see a city bus go by with the cover of my book on it. You're not going to see a glossy ad in Entertainment Weekly advising you to get my book. Stephen Colbert still hasn't called me yet to offer me the Colbert Bump. I just have me and YOU. You have been my friend for years now. You have been the one who laughs at me and with me (it's mostly with me, though, right??). You can help me spread the throat punch message to the world. Sure, the message isn't for everyone (like that bitch Carol at work who has a pole stuck up her rear), but I know you know someone who could use a good laugh. Tell them about this book, would ya? It won't tone down my crowing one bit, but I'll love you forever for your help.

So, here's the cheat sheet on PIWTPITT: CCDD&OSS. This is what you need to know:

1. It's hilarious. Don't believe me. Believe these ladies:

People I Want to Punch in the Throat is so good that it’ll make you want to adopt all the cats in the world. I’m not sure about the correlation, but it’s that good. It should come with a warning.”—Jenny Lawson, author of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened  

[Yeah, that's The Bloggess saying my book will make you adopt cats. I'm not sure what that means, but I know she likes cats a lot, so I'm going to say that means she likes this book as much as she likes cats.] 
“Jen Mann has an amazing way of telling stories that will make you cringe and burst out laughing at the same time. From swinger parties to racist toddlers, she makes the suburbs unbelievably funny.”—Karen Alpert, author of I Heart My Little A-Holes
 
[I made Baby Sideburns cringe. That's hard to do! The woman photographs herself in pussy pants!]
 “Jen Mann says the things we’re all too afraid to say. Her honest and hilarious writing style reminds me of David Sedaris and Tina Fey.”—Robin O’Bryant, author of Ketchup Is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves

[Anyone who compares me to David Sedaris or Tina Fey must wear a BFF necklace from me from here on out. I just dropped one in the mail for Robin.]

“Jen Mann’s shrewd and unrelenting assault on the absurdity of suburban life is an honest peek into the occasional nightmare that is part of living the American dream. I love Jen. I wish she was my neighbor. It’s so refreshing to know that I’m not the only one who wants to punch almost everyone in the f***ing throat.”—Nicole Knepper, author of Moms Who Drink And Swear 

[Only Moms Who Drink and Swear would dare to drop the f-bomb in her review that goes on the cover of my book. I want to be as badass as her when I grow up.] 

You want more? OK. Believe these people on Goodreads. And these people on Amazon. And these people who wrote reviews elsewhere. Just know that almost everyone who got a copy of this book for free loved it.

I've heard from a bunch of people who had to shell out real dollars who liked it too.

Like C. Fitzgerald from Nebraska:
This person isn't related to me!
Sure, there were a couple that were like "I can't reed or rite gud. I give it one star."


And then I was all, "Namaste, Lachlan."

2. This book is a collection of humorous essays written by yours truly. You can't find this material anywhere else but in this book.

3. It's available in the US and Canada. Sorry, international readers. Maybe you can get a friend to ship it to you. Sure, the shipping will cost more than the book, but it's worth it.

4. You can get a signed bookplate to go inside your book (or your junk drawer if you have a Kindle).

5. The AP did a review of the book and it probably ended up in your newspaper, because it went EVERYWHERE. It was the most kick ass thing I ever read. Check it out.

6. You don't have to buy this book from The Man. I can respect your desire to shop local. Your neighborhood bookstore and library should have this book. If they don't, ask them to order it for you.

So, there you have it. To sum up: book is here, I'm going to lose my shit, I'm sorry, but only kinda, love you lots.

Part 1/1,500,000 posts on this topic.

19 comments:

Tazi Kat said...

Random subcategory my ass! Your book will go to #1 on the New York Times Non-Fiction list! Congratulations, Jen! (NowI suggest you send a signed copy to that awful college writing prof who denied your talent!!).

Liv bySurprise said...

Yay! Can't wait!

Nicole Barr said...

I'm sooooo excited!

Throat Punch said...

Thank you. I am too!!

Throat Punch said...

Me neither!!!!

Throat Punch said...

Love you, Tazi. PS - he's dead.

Teri Biebel said...

Carol called to complain. I told that bitch to fuck off because this book is AWESOME!!!

Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

Can't wait!

RachRiot said...

Reading it now and LOVING IT! Glowing review to follow. Seriously. It's funny as shit.

Anonymous said...

I loved it and will leave an Amazon review as soon as I'm allowed (not a VINE member or whatever, so have to wait until next week.)

Kathy Radigan said...

Congratulations! Can't wait to read it!

Anonymous said...

Congrats!! I love your essays and blogs...I was intrigued by this post, because I'm ALWAYS apologizing for my egregious behavior I have no boundaries!!
. Check out my blogpost on this: http://crybabysoup.org/2014/09/06/fck-boundaries-theyre-for-suckers/

Mallory Smith said...

Woo hoo! Already preordered on iBooks and read the sample preview! It cut me off right as you were defending your choice to wear overalls on your first date with the hubs. Can't wait for Tuesday to see where this cliff hanger is headed. ;)

Kristi Campbell said...

You are fucking awesome and go ahead and pimp the hell out of it. If you ask nicely (or threaten me), I'll pimp it, too.

Emelie said...

Yaaaaay!

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms said...

Woot! Your book really is that good. You are doing people, nay the world, a great service by yelling it from the proverbial rooftops!

Stacey OneFunnyMotha said...

Congrats! Can't wait to read.

Anonymous said...

Every word you write makes me laugh out loud. I will be getting this book, girl.

Anonymous said...

Excellent literature. Brings back memories from 60 yrs ago. Hit the nail on the head. A real HOOT!!!

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