It's Mother's Day this weekend and I've been thinking about all of the mothers that I love to poke fun at. This is the one day of the year when I don't care how you raise your child, because for those 24 hours we are sisters in solidarity. So, I'm wishing every one out there a Happy Mother's Day and I hope you all get what you want.
If I were handing out gifts, these are the gifts that I would give:
1. Celebrity Moms - A gorgeous "impromptu" photo op of you and the kiddos frolicking in a pristine meadow and/or sharing a delicious wholesome picnic lunch that can then be sold for the cover of an upcoming issue of Hello! or People magazine where they don't mention your penchant for pre-chewing your baby's food or the fact that you're just a "normal" mom who can't pretend to live on $25,000 a year (I'm pretty sure what's what the wood burning pizza oven in back yard cost).
2. Granola Moms - A day of no one staring at you while you breast feed your preschooler, wearing your new breast milk jewelry at your friend's natural birth where you help her become a mother for the first time surrounded by the strong women in her life who will then stick around and help her sew her own lotus bag and preserve her placenta.
3. Hipster Moms - An Instagram feed full of moms and children in lots of ironic shirts, nerd glasses, chevron, mustaches, and anything else that is already "cool" that I don't know about yet, while you wear your new pair of vintage sensible shoes.
4. Overachieving Moms - An ah-may-zing day full of glue guns, glitter, elaborate tea parties in the garden with themes like Marie Antoinette or Rustic Elegance, all topped off with a visit from your Elf bringing you a new strand of pearls (you can never have too many).
5. Book Moms - A cozy chair, drinks, snacks, a fully loaded Kindle, and 24 hours to read in uninterrupted bliss and comfort.
6. Moms Who Drink and Swear - A bottle of Jack and Chore Coupons that are really rules for a drinking game.
7. Helicopter Moms - A cellphone pre-programmed with the contact information for every one of your child's teachers (even if your child is in college), doctors/specialists and nearby ERs and pharmacies, your child's friends, friends of those friends, and a GPS locator chip for your kid's head so that you can know where he is at all times, who he is with, and what they are doing/saying/thinking.
8. Free Range Moms - A visit to an unknown city where you can give your kids a Greyhound bus schedule, a ticket, and a cell phone and challenge them to a race home.
10. Tiger Moms - A full day of listening to the sweet sounds of violin and/or piano practice, geography and math quizzes, and Chinese lessons, along with plenty of left over time for public humiliation and shaming.
11. My Mom - My mom is the easiest. Years ago when I still lived at home and every day was a day spent with my brother and me bugging her for something, I know she would have loved a day to herself where she could read, watch chick flicks, and be pampered. Now that she's a grandma, I would give her a day with all of her grandchildren where she can spoil them rotten with junk food, silly movies, messy crafts, and be on the receiving end of a thousand sticky hugs and kisses.
Your turn. Tell me what YOU want for Mother's Day!