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Let's Celebrate ALL Moms This Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day this weekend and I've been thinking about all of the mothers that I love to poke fun at. This is the one day of the year when I don't care how you raise your child, because for those 24 hours we are sisters in solidarity. So, I'm wishing every one out there a Happy Mother's Day and I hope you all get what you want.

If I were handing out gifts, these are the gifts that I would give:



1. Celebrity Moms - A gorgeous "impromptu" photo op of you and the kiddos frolicking in a pristine meadow and/or sharing a delicious wholesome picnic lunch that can then be sold for the cover of an upcoming issue of Hello! or People magazine where they don't mention your penchant for pre-chewing your baby's food or the fact that you're just a "normal" mom who can't pretend to live on $25,000 a year (I'm pretty sure what's what the wood burning pizza oven in back yard cost).

2. Granola Moms - A day of no one staring at you while you breast feed your preschooler, wearing your new breast milk jewelry at your friend's natural birth where you help her become a mother for the first time surrounded by the strong women in her life who will then stick around and help her sew her own lotus bag and preserve her placenta.

3. Hipster Moms - An Instagram feed full of moms and children in lots of ironic shirts, nerd glasses, chevron, mustaches, and anything else that is already "cool" that I don't know about yet, while you wear your new pair of vintage sensible shoes.

4. Overachieving Moms - An ah-may-zing day full of glue guns, glitter, elaborate tea parties in the garden with themes like Marie Antoinette or Rustic Elegance, all topped off with a visit from your Elf bringing you a new strand of pearls (you can never have too many).

5. Book Moms - A cozy chair, drinks, snacks, a fully loaded Kindle, and 24 hours to read in uninterrupted bliss and comfort.

6. Moms Who Drink and Swear - A bottle of Jack and Chore Coupons that are really rules for a drinking game.

7. Helicopter Moms - A cellphone pre-programmed with the contact information for every one of your child's teachers (even if your child is in college), doctors/specialists and nearby ERs and pharmacies, your child's friends, friends of those friends, and a GPS locator chip for your kid's head so that you can know where he is at all times, who he is with, and what they are doing/saying/thinking.

8. Free Range Moms - A visit to an unknown city where you can give your kids a Greyhound bus schedule, a ticket, and a cell phone and challenge them to a race home.

9. Sanctimommies - Unlimited wifi where you can keep all of your Facebook friends updated hourly about how sad you feel for the mommies (like me) who want to be left alone all day, because it's a real shame these mean mommies can't be just like you spending the whole time with your children reveling in the magic and beauty of these little creations that you are responsible for.

10. Tiger Moms - A full day of listening to the sweet sounds of violin and/or piano practice, geography and math quizzes, and Chinese lessons, along with plenty of left over time for public humiliation and shaming.

11. My Mom - My mom is the easiest. Years ago when I still lived at home and every day was a day spent with my brother and me bugging her for something, I know she would have loved a day to herself where she could read, watch chick flicks, and be pampered. Now that she's a grandma, I would give her a day with all of her grandchildren where she can spoil them rotten with junk food, silly movies, messy crafts, and be on the receiving end of a thousand sticky hugs and kisses.

Your turn. Tell me what YOU want for Mother's Day!

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43 comments:

  1. Oh, I'm a book mom all the way! But, can I please have some flowers too? Then my day would be perfect. :)

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  2. Jen, you are so thoughtful! Thanks for the laugh!

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  3. I laughed at the very end because my child's school just emailed me about an outbreak of head lice and closed with "have a great Mother's Day!"

    Super.

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    1. Now that's some irony for you. Good luck!

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    2. Hilarious! I am a Mom and a teacher and I can totally see that happening! !

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  4. I asked for (and am sure I will get) three hours at Panera to work on the outline for my next novel. Also: my long-haired daughter has had lice TWICE and each time took three years off my life, Princess-Bride style.

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    1. I was so surprised to see you here! I am Kelli of I'd So Rsther Be Reading! Happy Mothers Day!

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  5. I want to sleep in, not have to cook, clean or do laundry (for a week, because what is really 1 day in the scope of all that...they will just leave it for me to do the next day) and presents of the homemade variety from my kids and jewelry from my husband.

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  6. A clean kitchen. Not much, that's really all I want. A clean kitchen. That I didn't clean. Since that won't happen, a few hours to read in peace would work, too.

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    1. I told my hubby all I wanted was a clean living room. Well, it's clean"er" I guess ;)

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  7. I want to share that drinking game with some other drinking/swearing moms... but I'm playing with vodka!

    Although, let's be honest. I probably don't even really need to make it into a game. So yeah, just vodka. Vodka would be good.

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    1. I'M so glad somebody else chose drinking and swearing mom. I'm not a mom, however, I am a pediatric nurse. Does that count? Please don't take my drinking And swearing Away from me!!

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  8. I want a mothers day where my husband doesn't feel compelled to mention that I am NOT his mother. WTF?-I stayed home for 20 years raising his kids. Doesn't that deserve something?

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    1. Fuck yes, you deserve something! I'm angry on your behalf that your husband would say that.

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    2. You aren't his mother, but you're a mother because of him. My husband has tried that crap with me, too. Fine, then you get jack on Fathers' Day, since I'm the one who buys those gifts. This year I bought his Fathers' Day gift early, so he may have been feeling pressured. :-P

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  9. It'd be great to get a huge coffee and Krispy Kreme, maybe some Chinese takeout later on, then they leave so I can watch all the shows I have waiting on the DVR!!

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  10. To stay in bed with a stack of magazines and the remote, behind a locked door ALL DAY. Possibly wearing Depends. The only person permitted to enter is the tray servant delivering and clearing my meals/snacks/cocktails. Talking to me or even making eye contact is forbidden.

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  11. I would kill for a few hours of solitude! No one sneezing on me, asking for food, or just saying "mommy, mommy, mommy" in general! Maybe I could actually sit down for more than 2 consecutive minutes! Oh, and a nice bottle of wine for those few hours:)

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  12. Apparently I am a "free range" mom (or that is the closest). It's good that you posted this so that I can take my mom type into consideration when I plan my Mother's Day tomorrow (my husband is in Serbia for a bachelor party). I'm pretty sure that will involve trying to find new and better strategies to help teach my 6.5 month old baby to crawl (without actually having to do anything myself) so that he no longer needs entertainment because he can get to the dog all by himself. I'm also seeking new ideas on how to bribe the dog to be near the child at all times while would also limit how often the dog stares at me with the look in his eyes that says, "I just want your soul."

    http://marginalia.wendysahl.com

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  13. Happy Mother's Day to you, too. And I actually got my present believe it or not last night. I was surprised with a brand new Canon Camera from my husband and kids. I honestly thought that something he had me order for myself was it, but he did actually get one over on me and truly surprise me. So, kudos to my husband this time out!! :)

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  14. I'll take number 5 please!

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  15. Happy Mother's Day to you Jen! I would like to sleep in and spend the day doing something as a family. Since my girls are growing up so fast, and they are starting to do more things with their friends, I think that a family day is in order. We are going to Roger Williams Zoo in RI and we are going to have a blast! Enjoy your day!

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  16. I will take number five or six. Both would be good really. Happy Mothers day!

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  17. I want three meals cooked for me, and cleaned up for by not me. I want a nap. I want a gift, but it doesn't have to be fancy (I know one of the kids got me a new broom!). And most importantly, I want to watch all 3 hours of the Survivor finale without being talked to or touched or bothered in any way, and served some sort of luscious dessert while watching my favorite player win! :) Happy Mother's Day!

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  18. Even when you're being nice, you nail it! Beautiful. Thanks for this and Happy Mothers Day!

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  19. Awesome post, Jen! Loved this so much.

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  20. New to your blog....I HEART YOU!

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  21. Mom who drinks and swears. 24 hrs (or more) all by myself would be bliss.

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  22. I want gift #5, although my Kindle is already pretty full. I just want time to sit and read what's on it, without having to do laundry or cook or clean.

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  23. I just want to pee alone!

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  24. I got to take a glorious 2 hour nap in the middle of the afternoon, with the door locked. My 4 year old daughter (who is very much a mommy's girl) had a strict instructions from the hubby that she was not to disturb me until I opened the door. She only tried to get in twice and was very quiet about it. I would have felt guilty taking a whole day to myself, so 2 hours was plenty of quiet time for me.

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  25. Love! And, I love the last one, about your own mom!

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  26. You forgot to mention "dog moms" with their dog daycare & summer camps, pet strollers, Halloween costumes & even psychiatrists. They refer to their pets as kids or children, often to gain a bit of empathy or commonality. Dog moms bring their kids to vet emergency rooms when their dogs eat a candy bar, & tell every one about it. It is a whole social phenomena these days - their dogs being gifted & talented or quite intelligent - with stories ad nauseum. I was thinking of opening a dog brothel, but my wife & mother of my three sons told me STFU. Ridiculing dogs can be a dangerous proposition in America today... so much that I wrote George Bush during the invasion of Iraq to tell our people Saddam Hussein is murdering puppies. No matter to mass graves of Kurdish women & children, that went un-noticed.

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  27. Sleep in! I would need hubby, kid and inner alarm clock to cooperate!

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  28. Gee, and all I asked for was a Princess Bride coffee mug. Lol

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  29. My mom will be visiting - so all we want is a couple of hours without anyone needing us - and interrupting us - to have some girl chat. maybe a walk with our cameras so she can teach for a few things. that's a pretty good day.
    If someone wants to kick it up a notch with a nice gift - that's okay too. :)

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  30. Sleep in. Breakfast in bed. Clumsy crafty thing made by the muppet. No nappies. No cleaning.

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  31. First, I asked for a coffee mug, but then I changed my mind. I said if it's all the same to you, I want an awesome 2 person gliding rocker for the patio. I plan to run these people ragged on my holiday.

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  32. Great list! Count me in as a book mom. Or I should say, book snob mom. No e-readers for me. Print only. ;)

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  33. I want to sleep in peace and quiet and not be asked questions. I was asked 4 questions while commenting here. Make that 5 questions plus 2 "I want"s

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  34. I want an empty house with no kids to have some loud, hot, sweaty dirty sex in every room with my pre-pot belly husband, but then again that's what got me into this mess in the first place.

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