How NOT to Make a New Friend

After yesterday's post I got to thinking.  How do you go about inviting another mom out for coffee or a playdate at the park?  I have no idea.  But I do know what you SHOULDN'T say.


PIWTPITT's Top 15 Opening Lines You Should NOT Use to Meet a New Mom Friend

1.  "Would your daughter like to come over to my house for a sleepover?  My husband really enjoys little girls."

2.  "Hi, I'm Jen and this is Adolpha.  What are you doing for the rest of the day, because we'd like to hang."

3.  "Your hair is really pretty.  Can I braid it for you?"

4.  "Friday is my anniversary and I'm looking for a place for my kids to go for a sleepover that night.  Do you live close by?"

5.  "I like your pants.  What size do you wear?  Wanna trade?"

6.  "Is that your son that my son is biting?  Aww . . . Gomer loves meeting new friends."

7.  "I'm sorry, but did you just call your kid Steel?  That is the dumbest name I've ever heard."

8.  "I like your minivan.  Can I sit inside it for a while?"

9.  "You're not on a sex offender list or anything, right?  'Cause I'm totally not."

10.  "My kids are at school all day.  I just like to come to the park to meet new women."

11.  "You seem normal.  Are you normal?"

12.  "You want to invite me and my kids to lunch, but you're afraid I'll say 'No,' right?  Don't worry!  I will totally say 'Yes.'  Especially if you're paying.  Kidding!  No, I'm not."

13.  "Just think, if our kids hit it off we could share grandchildren someday."

14.  "Are your kids adopted?  They don't look anything like you."

15.  "Can I hold your baby?"


I know you have some, so let's hear them!



32 comments:

Cheryl S. said...

I'm going to print this lis out and carry it with me, so that I don't ever use the lines (again).

Cheryl S said...

*list

Things That Happen Everyday said...

#1 & 12 are my favs. I have to stop reading your stuff while I'm work. I heard there's a rumor that I'm the weird crazy lady that laughs at her computer all day

Confessions of a PTO Mom said...

Don't discount minivan envy... it can actually work to your advantage when forming new friendships!

Tanya K said...

16. Here is a list of my playdate do's and don'ts along with a personal questionnaire; I will need that completed,signed and witnessed before we meet.
17. Speaking of witnesses; I'm in the witness protection program so if somebody strange is lurking about please call the police immediately!

shannon said...

personally, i feel like asking someone if they're normal is perfectly acceptable. if they look at you like you smell funny, then they stink anyways, and if they laugh you know they're just enough shy of normal to be worthwhile

GCG said...

I actually got this last Spring at a track meet: "Your daughter is really tan. Is her father Caucasian?" To that, my answer was: "As far as I know"

Wendy Wainwright said...

Hey, do you want to come hang out by the ice cream truck with us? (Living overseas at the moment...gotta tell you, the ice cream is universally creepy.)

http://marginalia.wendywainwright.com

Wendy Wainwright said...

ice cream TRUCK is universally creepy.

Shelley in So. Illinois said...

Are those kids all yours? Your husband must have a good job, or are you on food stamps? Did you have those children naturally? No, really how did that happen? (or the 'You do know how that happens, right?)

I have gotten all of the above, but not usually all at the same time.

The Iz said...

I would like to disagree on this statement:
"You seem normal. Are you normal?"

That's a perfect way for me to meet the people I want to be friends with. If they can't see the humor in it, or reply "Yes I am totally normal." Then there's a good chance I won't like them.

Emmy's Mama said...

"Want to just leave our kids here for a while so we can go on a well-deserved afternoon bender? Oh, c'mon, they'll be FIIIIINE. They're THREE years old!"

"You seem like a great mom. Of course, I also SEEM like a great mom... you should see us at HOME, though.. he he"

Anonymous said...

#4 reminds me of a situation we had here. My daughter really wanted a friend from school over. I called the mom and she said that her daughter ( who was 9 or 10 at the time) and son (who was like 4)are very attached and never do anything apart. Her daughter could only come if her son came! What the heck. I don't want to deal with a 4 year old but my daughter was standing by listening to the conversation and was begging for her friend to come over. I caved. Said it was a fine. Her son could play with my 2 sons, through they were older - we had plenty of toys for him to play with . NIGHTMARE of a day. The boy was throwing crap at my kids, wrecking the house, whiney. To make matters worse, they two siblings truly were inseparable. His sister wouldn't leave his side to play with my daughter. My daughter was pissed. So, the mom comes about 3 hours later to pick them up. Turns out both parents had gone to a movie while I was watching her brats! WTF! The nerve! Can you imagine!???

Anonymous said...

In the same vein... I ran a choir in my town for elementary age children. One of the moms came up to me and asked if her preschool son could "hang out" during rehearsals because she didn't want to have just one home. I'm like... are you serious? This is not a babysitting service!

RobynHTV said...

I'll be using #12 on this mom across the street I've had my eye on for a while...

stephaniegiese said...

I actually know a child named Steele. He is a twin and his brother's name is Stryker. (as in "strike her." True story. No one is going to mess with those kids!

Kristianna said...

Mixed race couples are very common in the Bay Area, where I live. I know quite a few moms who do not resemble their kids at first glance and who've been asked if they are the nanny or babysitter so many times. I'd be pretty upset if I were them. Grrrr.

Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 said...

I totally want to use "You seem normal. Are you normal?"

Maybe that can be the secret test to ferret out fellow PIWTPITT fans. Like when a spy says, "The squirrel walks at midnight." And the other spy replies, "It is a nice day for a wedding. You have ze microfilm?"

One Blonde Brain Cell said...

I don't have kids but I do have nieces and nephews so I'll have to keep these in mind.

Anonymous said...

#14 is definitely a deal breaker for us.

Beth said...

"Are you married? What's your husband like, do you have a picture of him?"

I wasn't sure if she wanted to be my friend or steel my hubs...all she needed to complete her creepy persona was to drive a rapers van and follow the Hubbies around telling them "Get in! I've got beer!"

Sage said...

Someone asked me if I ever compared my baby pictures to my kids. I don't have an obvious mini-me so some people suddenly become geneticists and study our faces bc they feel they are owed a breakdown who looks like whom

Anonymous said...

A little off subject! But when I was interviewing a sitter for my then 3-year old son, (who felt "naked time" should be an all-day event every day of his life) my idiot husband asked the sitter this question: "So...how do you feel about nudity?" Yup. She still ended up taking the job, and 5 years later she is no longer my sitter, but a very good friend. Maybe there are no wrong questions, if u are interested in someone who is real.

selden said...

"you look a lot like my husband's first wife."

I honestly didn't know what to do with that

Tazi Kat said...

My Mommie works a college, and her office is an open air area in the library. Her supervisor and she were in a meeting (I was in my Tazi Sack) when a female student walked in "just to chat". Since we work in Student Services, we all thought she needed something. She needed friends. She asked us if we wanted to go to the mall with her - right now; she was bored. (She was also failing several classes so we suggested she go study instead).

Jennifer said...

Number 8 actually works! I was actually interested in the model of the car, not the mom friend, but they (yes I did it more than once) seem actually flattered by the compliment. Only once did I actually ask to sit in it and it was soooo good.

Sole Searching Mama said...

Finally visiting your blog, thanks to my good friend, Tara, at YKIHAYHT. What the hell took me so long?? I need SO MUCH MORE HUMOR in my trailer-house-farm-full-of-boys-drinking life, and this is the BEST place for that! Thanks for keeping all of us moms (and dads) going with your spunk. Nice to finally be here. - Susan www.solesearchingmamma.com

Anonymous said...

"pssst, can you see me?" I actually got that once, then realized it was someone I knew and wanted to avoid.

Anonymous said...

Ha! I know Stryker and Steele too:)

mommyjill said...

At the park............."Come here often?" Or the always awesome "my kid is a real handful- wanna babysit?"

Bad Moms Unite said...

I've gotten the "is your daughter adopted?" question. All because she is blonde/blue eyes and Husband, Kid1, Kid2 and I are brown/brown. People assume "oh you've had 2 boys so you went and adopted your girl." If not for the fact that she looks exactly like Husband when he was a kid, I'd question if she was ours....lol

I've also been asked if Kid2 is Mexican. He has naturally dark skin and in the summer he gets a tan that would make any woman jealous.

Unknown said...

Would you like to join my church? Uh, no thanks.

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