Movie Night With Mary

So, I'm on my big girl trip to New Hampshire.  I'm visiting my friend, Mary.  Mary used to live in KC near me and she was my great friend.  I've missed her a lot and I had an opportunity to visit her in her new city so here I am.

One of the things that Mary and I love to do together is go to the movies.  When I arrived Mary already had the movie schedule on her kitchen counter.  We picked an afternoon movie so we'd have time to get back to watch The Oscars.  (Total side note:  Did you see Tina's dress last night?  She looked AH-MAY-ZING.  Looks like she finally got it right.  Joan Rivers and her Fashion Bitches can't say anything bad about my BFF now.  Way to go, bestie!)

Back to my story.  On the way to the theater, Mary and I reminisced about our past escapades at the movie theater.  It's never a dull night (or afternoon) for Mary and I at the movie theater.  We tend to attract drama when we go to the pictures.

Mary was my movie date for "Twilight" a few years ago.  We watched the movie surrounded by tweens and teens on "dates" (loud, face sucking make out sessions).  There was a lot of noise and ruckus going on and Mary and I were not happy.  Here we'd managed to convince our husbands to put the kids to bed that night so we could go watch our silly, teeny bopper Vampire movie; we'd put aside our own time we usually use to read smutty books and fend off our husbands' advances; and these idiots were ruining it!  We were pissed.  You don't get between 30 something women and their sparkly Vampires!

After a few heavy sighs and other passive aggressive clues to pipe the fuck down, I finally yelled, "Hey you guys!  Just.....SHUSH!" and Mary chimed in, "Yeah!"  And then we slunk down in our seats in case they they decided to throw Coke and/or popcorn at us.  Mary couldn't believe I didn't tell them to "Shut the fuck up!" but as I explained to her these were someone's little darlings and I just couldn't do that.  Instead, I went all "Mom" on them and resorted to "SHUSH."  It worked, though.  For another twenty minutes or so until I had to yell "Seriously.  Shush!" and the ballsy man (What self-respecting man goes to watch "Twilight"??  Whoever he was with had better cherish him - he loves you, girl!) chimed in loudly with: "Yes.  I agree!"  Yes.  I agree?  Easy, cowboy, don't go too hard on them.  They're just kids.

Ahh...good times showing punks who the boss is...We were laughing as we walked into the theater tonight and Mary said, "Do you think tonight will be punch worthy?"

I replied, "Nah, I doubt it."

By now you know, I was wrong.

We bought our tickets and our jumbo popcorns and headed to the ticket taker.

The ticket taker was a teenage girl who apparently hated her job.  She was also sick (Grrrr.....you know how I feel about people who drag their sick asses to work).
Our ticket taker would never wear this pin.
She kept snorting up her snot (lovely) and she had a frog in her throat when she said, "OH!  You guys can't go in yet.  The theater isn't ready.  You gotta wait over there."  She told us to leave the line while she got on the walkie talkie to ascertain if this was indeed true.  "Hey, Bud?  Is theater one ready?"  No one responded.  She snorted her dripping snot and said to us:  "Yeah, I can't let you guys go yet.  You're wayyyy early."

Huh?  We were?  We stepped out of line and I said, "How early are we?  What the hell?"  I looked at my ticket.  She had made it sound like we were a day early.  Seriously.

I looked at my ticket.  Our movie was going to start in 17 minutes.  WTF?

"Well, what time can we go in?" I asked.  "I don't understand.  The movie is actually going to start in 16 minutes.  What time do you seat people?"

Snotty Frog Girl glared at me.  She tried again in vain to raise anyone on her walkie.  "Bud?  They want to go in."  No response.

"OK.  You know what?  I honestly don't care.  You guys can go in.  I don't care if the theater is ready or not.  Just go ahead."

You don't have to tell us twice.  Mary and I grabbed our tub o'popcorn and headed into what we assumed would be a deserted and trashed theater.

We walked in and found an almost COMPLETELY FULL room.  WTF?!!  There were barely any seats left and from the looks of how low everyone's vat of Coke was, we believe they'd been in there for a good 20 minutes hogging all the good seats!

Mary and I looked around to find two seats together.  The front row was available.  Of course.  We kept looking.

We finally saw two seats together and made our way to them.  I went in first and squeezed in next to a nice, oversized gentleman who breathed a lot like Tony Soprano, but at least gave me the armrest.  I thought I'd lost the seat lottery until Mary sat down in her seat.  Poor Mary's seat was broken and if she didn't sort of learn forward the whole time she was forced to recline in the lap of the woman behind her, which happened more than once.

About the second time Mary's seat malfunctioned, she looked at me from her horizontal position and said, "Ohhhh, this is getting a punch!"

Yes it is, Mary, yes it is.



35 comments:

kbaker0812 said...

Hahahahaha this had me laughing SO HARD lol. Poor Mary :(

Anonymous said...

We have a wonderful theater here where you can sit upstairs with food and alcoholic drinks and you have to be 21 to be up there! They have large leather seats and everyone has a cup holder! It is fabulous! We went to see The Help there and even though it was full, it was quiet! It was great! Love the Monaco!

Anonymous said...

Was the movie at least worth it? :)

Kayla Arnolts said...

smutty romance and twilight? there's a whole world out there called fan fiction. you should SO check it out. or buy the e-book "gabriel's inferno." it was originally twi fan fiction but the author is so damn good he (mostly) un-twilighted it and published it. read it, girl!

Nepsi said...

Glad to know that NH movie theaters aren't any better than when I lived there years ago. By the way I don't think you can call any town in NH a "city." :) Live free or die!

Ki said...

At least your Twlight wasn't interupted by bffs tween daughter screaming "Oh My God! He's got hairy nipples!" I nearly choked on my popcorn and died laughing

Allison said...

I have to at least plug this: In Austin, there is this chain of theatres called the Alamo Drafthouse that actually kick people out for talking or disturbing their neighbors. They also serve food and alcoholic beverages and have an age limit. The place rocks! Check out this for the angry voicemail of a girl who got kicked out (and they play that video before R rated movies!): http://cf.drafthouse.com/she_texted_we_kicked_her_out2.html

Ashley said...

Our Twilight movie theater experience had my blood boiling! The one night I got to ditch my kids and watch an uninterrupted movie was ruined by a bunch of teenagers with those "real" dolls for some sort of class. You know, the ones that randomly cry and you have to stick the key in to make it stop. Oh, and the actual BABY that was sitting behind us...seriously!

Anonymous said...

This reply deserves a punch in the throat :)

crystal said...

Here's a copy of a text that I just send my husband.
Know what my new "cyber" BFF (the punch in the throat lady) said today?
"You don't get between 30 something women and their sparkly Vampires!"

Yep, I love her! Do you think I should let her know the her and I friends?

To which he responded, " the one who swears all the time? Yeah, that sounds like someone you'd be friends with. Tell her what you want."

Anonymous said...

That.Was.Awesome!!!

Anonymous said...

I love the way you write and I love reading your blog, but it pains me to point out a huge grammatical error on your part. You wrote: "It's never a dull night (or afternoon) for Mary and I at the movie theater." It should read, "Mary and me" since you're not the subject in the sentence. Other than that, you're a great writer! --Ashlyn (the Grammar Police)

Anonymous said...

Oh my word Crystal. That is hilarious.
Kort

Anonymous said...

Friggin awesome!!!

Monica said...

Just Laughing my ass off
@"from her horizontal position and said, "Ohhhh, this is getting a punch!"
I can clearly see my sister and I having this same experience of course She wouldn't be able to look up at me to say anything because I would literally be rolling on the floor laughing at the fact they are laying in the lap of a complete stranger who is probably so shocked and annoyed at the same time!! I would have died

Anonymous said...

Went to the theater once on Easter and my mom and I were the only ones. Before the movie started this woman walked in and with the entire theater available to sit in, she proceeds to sit in the seat directly in front of me! WTF? Really? I was too shocked to even say anything.

Anonymous said...

Last time I went to the theater, there were two women in font of us in line who were at least 75-80. My daughters and I were cracking up because they bought tickets to go see Twilight: Breaking Dawn. It was awesome.

Brett Minor said...

I don't pay attention much to business rules any longer. Last week, I was at a Steak n' Shake that had a sign saying PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED.

We stood there for 10 minutes. The restaurant was only half full. I finally went to the waitress stand, grabbed a couple of menus and silverware and had a seat.

The waitress showed up instantly. I wasn't rude or mean, I just seated myself. What are they going to do? Throw me out? They took care of us for the rest of the meal.

Youngman Brown said...

God, it ruins the entire movie if I can't find a good seat or encounter similar drama before a movie.

And that gentleman who said "I agree" was quite the Twilight-esque badass.

Cricket said...

This is a great story. And it ignited a memory in me of going to the theater as a teenager (make-out sessions) lol. I admire you for going to the theater at all to see that movie. I remember buying the book and feeling like I needed to hide it in my basket, like I do my tampons...just in case some teenager thought I was too old to read it. As far as movies are concerned, I always wait for them to come to a television near me. I'm stale and boring like that.

Nicole Marie said...

While I was watching the Red Carpet for the Oscars, I definitely thought of you when they interviewed Tina Fey. She did look gorgeous.

As for the movies, I try my hardest to go during a time I know teenagers wouldn't be there. There is nothing I hate more then running into obnoxious teens who literally go to the movies to hang out, or make out, rather than watch the movie. There are times when we buy tickets and I look down to see it is rated PG13 and cringe. It's almost not worth going to movies anymore with rude people and run down theaters being the "ultimate movie experience."

Melda said...

random comment that has nothing to do with your story....
I don't remember your blog having ads before?
Did it always?
Does everyones?
It's early here in Guam and I could just need coffee....but someone the Colombian Bride Services and their photos of girls in bathing suits is bugging me this morning.

Melda said...

* somehow - I guess I do need coffee.

Anonymous said...

I have an actual sparkly vampire! Hubs purchased for me for xmas! He won't let him out of the box....hmmm. I have a problem.

Anonymous said...

So funny! I had the exact same response. Doesn't take away from your awesome blog, but definitely caught my attention. Grammar nerds unite!

Pam said...

laughing out loud! Reminds me of my favorite movie memory. My bff and I had gone to see Grease (1978) and had a bottle of Evan Williams bourbon (we liked to mix it with Coke icees) which I dropped. We were sitting in the back of the theater and heard it thump, thump, thump down the whole length of the theater as it rolled to the front. good times!

btw, I watched the fashion police and they did not even mention Tina, who was hands-down the best dressed at the Oscars. Loved everything - dress, hair, saphire earrings!!!

RachRiot said...

My Current Legal Spouse works from home now, and one of the best things about that is I occasionally convince him to play hooky during the week and we see an early afternoon movie. Hardly anyone there- HEAVEN, I tell you. Then eeevery once in a while.. I'm feeling generous and we have a "nooner" afterwards. Bom chicka wa wow!!

Anonymous said...

Holy, Mother. That was GREAT! I want to move to Austin....now.

mosaicmaddness said...

LOL... I love the movies, as in big giant screen, surround sound, soggy buttery popcorn... but the rest of it? Noisy folks, crinkly candy wrappers, seat kickers.... ack!!!

oh a side note, when my husband and I were dating, the first Twilight came out, so he took me and my 15 year old daughter to it... I don't think he had ever experienced anything like that, screaming girls and such.... LOL. quite the date.

Anna said...

Haha, so true! For the closest "City" you'd have to go to Boston :-)

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Been thinking of moving to Austin, this is another great reason.

Susannah said...

This is why we don't go to the movies. The last movie I saw may have been "Turner and Hooch"...

Ajg said...

This has no connection to Twilight but since we are discussing "memorable theater visits", I remember the time my husband and I watched some movie (not very memorable) around 10pm and a couple, a toddler and a nanny entered the movie and sat down to our right, with the aisle between us. Before I knew it, the little boy was TAKING A LEAK in the middle of the aisle and I was so shocked, I had to call the attention of the nanny, because the parents were steadfastly, stubbornly, resolutely STARING at the screen and completely IGNORING their son. Unbelievable. We were so amazed and annoyed but to save our night, we just transferred to another area in the theater!

Anonymous said...

I had a movie experience like that. I wasn't so kind as to use shush as the kids were 18 or so. these kids were being so ignorant that other adults were leaving. So I stood up and yelled in my meansest voice I could muster, "This is enough of this bullshit! You all are going to sit down and shut the hell up for the rest of this movie or you are going to get the f*ck out! You will NOT be ruining the rest of this movie." Never heard another peep. No one gets between me and my Matthew McC!

Anonymous said...

LoL.. just had to laugh @ the napkin experience!!! I having a Brother in Law who lives in Sweden. Had a melt down in my KITCHEN while visiting Northwest IN. (I guess after I experienced the same stares and holding of breaths and Sighs!!! While my husband n I visited many moons ago in sweden. I figured Brother n law was just feeling lil rebellious. LOL I FORGOT. To pick up PaperToweling, for the Man Gather @my home. So I like always, (cuz I forget paper napkins Often) take out our Linen Napkins(I pick up few new each yr in Shippshewanna IN during my visits) WE'LL.... the Man looked @ the Beuatiful Dark Sapphire Blue Fabric Napkins.... SMACKED AGIANST MY COUnTERTOP.. and I quote" I'm not using this SHIT!!!!" LOL I guess the man was REALLY on Vacation..... and from ALL that save the trees thing also. So The" Man" went and took my TOILET PAPER ... yess TOILET PaPER... rolled it around his hand (like he's beeen just dying for this Day!! ) and used it for his Napkin. I remember 10 yrs ago. Out in Sweden, when I was Stared at also.. when I went to get a paper napkin, After I found where they were Hidden, to grab probally over 10. Glances for a long period of time on my evry move..

My Rules for MOMS at Playdates

A few months ago I came up my list of rules for playdates for KIDS.  Many of you asked me for rules for playdates for MOMS.  These are t...