Weekly Wrap Up

The weekend is here and I wanted to take this time to reply to some of the hundreds (if not thousands) of comments I've been receiving (thank you, everyone - even the silly little haters).  So, I'm going to do a weekly wrap up of the top posts and respond to some of my favorite comments.

First, here were the top read posts this week:

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies  (Still going strong! Amazing.)  This post hit over 1.2 million page views this week.  Thank you so much for those of you who are continuing to share this little gem!

People Who Get Me and My Family Sick  This one was a new post for this week.  It's spreading like the plague!

Doggie Doo  This was a new post this week too.  I'm just mad I didn't think of this ridiculously funny game first.

Saying Goodbye to the Elf on the Shelf  This one has been hanging on since last week.  Anything about the Elf seems to be popular.  

Parents Who Let Their Children Dress Sexy  This was an oldie, but goodie.  I wrote this one a few months ago, but I still think it's relevant and it appears a lot of readers agreed with me.

Thanks for reading and sharing!  

Here are my favorite comments of the week (and my responses).

"Megalomaniac. What a great word." on Donald Trump

Thank you, it's one of my favorites.  I also like to use douche canoe, jackhole, bed wetter and buck toothed as often as I can.  

"Wait are those the names of your kids or just a joke?" on My Super Hot Sex Dream?

As long as I write about them in the blog, I think I will always refer to them as Gomer and Adolpha since I've been receiving backlash on calling them "the boy" and "the girl."  These names are made up completely. Their birth certificates say something else entirely.  I swear.

"I thought you were funny after the "Elf on the Shelf" blog, but lately you've become annoying, whiney and you're trying way too hard." on My Super Hot Sex Dream?

I appreciate the honesty and the fact you didn't post this anonymously like some others (I don't why it makes me feel better to have a name to attach to the negative comments, but it just does).  Now, I hope you won't mind when I'm honest with you:  Thank you for your critique.  I applaud you for having the balls to challenge me.  You've put it out there and I'm happy to respond.  I'll try not to be whiny and annoying.  It's hard, but I think I can do it.  


What am I supposed to do with this information?  Am I supposed to change just for you?  Did I charge you fifty bucks to read this blog?  Did you want your money back, is that it?  Or the four minutes it took you to sit there and read it?  Are you funny, witty and hilarious every day of your life?  Because I'm sure not and I know that.  Can you sit down every day and put this kind of shit out there for everyone to judge?  Not every post is going to relate to you personally.  Not every post is going to make you wet your pants or snort coffee out of your nose.  Sometimes, the best I can do is to talk about my life and if only one person relates to it, I don't care, it was still a great day for me.  If it is such a pain in your ass to sit there and read this blog because you think I whine or bitch or try too hard, then feel free to go elsewhere.  This goes for anyone who chimed in with this person and/or who now wants to comment on this post that I need anger management, to relax, to seek counseling, etc.  You may go too.  The blog is not called "Rainbows & Unicorns."  Read the title.  I'm angry - not bitter.  I'm prone to rants - not whiny.  And I'm not always fucking hilarious - so bite me.

"If you dont like it dont read it. Jen I also enjoy your blog and can relate to what you are saying. Thanks!!!!" on My Super Hot Sex Dream?

Thank you to this person and all of the others who always jump to my defense whenever someone says I suck.  I love all of you and it makes my day when you say I don't suck.

"I have a Facebook "friend" who created a Facebook page for her 3 year old daughter... Repeat: 3 YEARS OLD! Seriously Wtf is wrong with people?" on Got a Punch?

That is bizarre.  I would unfriend this person immediately.  Is she a pageant mom?  It sounds like something a pageant mom would do.

"Have to agree... ALMOST in total. However, I read The Help soon after it was published and ADORED that book. I recently rented the movie when it went to DVD and am SO happy to say they stuck to the book completely!! While (as always), the book was better and had much more detail (movie time limitations are to be blamed for that...), this was one of the best adaptations ever done, I think." on Hollywood Casting Directors Who Cast the Movies of Books They Don't Read

I agree.  "The Help" was done really well.  I just hope they don't screw up "The Hunger Games" or there will be hell to pay.

"OMG, I'm happily married and love my man, but I have to admit, I think I love you! I can't stand it! I keep freaking laughing out loud waking people up! I'm adding you to my prayer list, cause girl, you freaking keep me going! :) much love for ya!" on People Who Get Me and My Family Sick

Thank you.  I could use all the prayers I can get.

"I absolutely love reading your blog. It is spit my coffee out funny! I love your view of the world around you. Your family are lucky to have you every minute of every day! Keep up the good work!" on Don't Make Me Punch You


Thank you for the kind words and the coffee spit.  I always love a good coffee spit comment.  I'm lucky to have my family - they are the wind beneath my wings.  (Retch.)  OK, seriously, they're pretty cool.

"People who use the office microwave to heat up fish or burn popcorn. Mmm...smells great! Thanks for sharing your stench with the rest of us. People who say "See you next year!" on December 31st. Shut the fuck up! What are you, six? Get a life. People who discuss the results of their pap smear on their work phone for the whole office to hear. Sexy. People who act like they are music Gods. They know what is cool and if you've ever heard of that band, they are now lame." on Got a Punch?


I love all of these - especially the music god people - aren't they the MOST annoying jackholes?  This is a great list and I will definitely be pilfering it. 

"Okay, so now I am "officially" following you. Although I did "like" you a few weeks ago on FB and have been reading your blog daily since. The Elf on the Shelf blog seriously almost made me pee my pants! I had just overheard a conversation at my daughter's dance class the day before and thought the same thing you did about the crazy moms!! Thanks for the laughs and keep them coming! :-)" on People Who Read My Blog But Don't Comment and Don't "Follow" Me

That little Elf has brought me so much love and I am truly grateful for all of you new Followers.  What I don't get is the blog has 29,000 "Likes" on Facebook, why aren't all those Likers now Followers?  I need more Followers. Spread the word, would ya?

"How about people who buy miniature pigs to keep as pets in their house and put diapers on them? That may just be a southern thing though but I think it's stupid as hell and deserves a good punch." on Got a Punch?

I am going to have to do some research on this one!  I have never heard of such a thing, but it sounds like something right up my alley.  I'll warn you though, I do have a soft spot for pigs (I wanted a pot belly pig when they were hot back in the 90s) and if I find out they're adorable in their little diapers, I might just get one and put pictures of it on the blog.



Donald Trump


What an arrogant POS.  Is there anything he doesn't think he's good at?  Oh yeah, being poor.  He'd suck at that.

I will admit I've watched his crappy show in the past, but I really couldn't get past the fact that he looks like he has a rodent nest on his head and the sun constantly in his beady eyes.  Those shots with him by his helicopter with the blades churning and the nest NEVER moving really freaked me out.  His coat would be whipping, he'd practically be tipping over from the wind, but the nest stayed put.  Not even the slightest ruffle.  WTF?  With all his money, can the man not buy a mirror?  How much does he have to pay his people for them to say his hair looks great?  Who is his hair stylist?  The world should be allowed to know so that we can all stay the hell away from him/her.

OK, so The Donald (does he prefer that name or did someone make that up for him?) is already treated like the prince of some small Middle Eastern country (seriously, who else but those guys and The Donald takes a dump on a throne literally made of gold??) and now he thinks he'd like to be President of the United States?

I read a few months ago he sent a top aide to Iowa to promote his bid.  I'll give him props for finding Iowa at least.  When I lived in NYC, most New Yorkers confused Iowa, Ohio and Idaho.  They were all the same state in their minds.  Luckily, I was from Kansas and they all know Kansas.  Well, actually they only know two things about Kansas: "Do you know Dorothy?" (She's a fictional character, dumbass.) and "Was your house ever destroyed by a tornado?" (No.  Have you ever been pushed in front of an oncoming subway train?  Because I get all my knowledge about New York City from "Law &Order," just like you obviously get your information from "The Wizard of Oz.")

But, in true out-of-touch-with-the-masses style Trump was quoted by The Des Moines Register as saying that he planned to meet "many, many people - maybe all the people."  In Iowa??  Really, Donald??  I realize that to a big city slicker like yourself, Iowa seems pretty small, but that's a bold comment.  There are over 3 million people in Iowa, you douche.

You've had a few months now to meet all the people of Iowa, Donald, how did that go for you?  My cousins don't recall making your acquaintance and you're a pretty memorable guy so I'm thinking you weren't able to meet all the people of Iowa.

What a jackhole.  Who says stupid shit like that?  Megalomaniacs.

When I heard he was going to host a Republican debate I thought - Oh good, something to really laugh at.  Seriously, can you imagine that guy hosting the debate?  He'd never let a candidate get an answer in.  He'd ask a question and then answer it himself.  That debate would run for days, because he wouldn't shut up.

He's such a dick.

I'm glad to see no one really took him seriously and agreed to come to his debate.  Well, that's not true, Gingrich and Santorum said they'd come.  Of they course they did.  Gingrich would make an appearance at an opening for a 7-11 if he was promised a soundbite and at this point, Santorum was just happy to be invited to any debate.  (When will that guy get a clue and quit?)

Wow.  Are Americans really going to rally around this asshat?  What gives?  Is Newt not condescending enough?  Is Bachmann not crazy enough?  Is Cain not dumb enough?  Is Romney too good looking?  Is Obama too compassionate?

We're in serious trouble here if there are actually people out there who think The Donald would make a good President of the United States.  What are his qualifications to be President?  He's a joke.  The world already laughs at us, do we really need to give them more fodder?

The sun is setting on our empire and we've got Trump who thinks he should throw his hat in the ring?  What does he do except buy buildings, make them tackier (Can you imagine the White House during his "reign"?), declare bankruptcy (3 times), say "You're Fired," brag about himself (a lot), write a book (or 17), and marry beautiful women who get paid handsomely to sleep with him and produce heirs (I realize I'm not even close to being hot enough to be in the running to be the next Mrs. Trump, but if I were, there isn't enough money in the world to get me into bed with him.  I'd choose Hef before him.  Or that really old guy that Anna Nicole Smith married.).

I don't care if you vote Republican or Democrat, just please, don't vote for this moron.

Christmas Wrap Up

Well, the kids were able to hold out until 7:30 this morning.  The boy was the first to awake and after about 15 minutes, he begged his sister to wake up and open presents.

It took me a year to buy the gifts, a week to wrap them, several days of looking for a lost present and 18 minutes for my kids to open them in a flurry of wrapping paper, tissue paper and tape.

I couldn't find the Santa present for the boy.  I looked in every hiding place I have.  I decided to go with Plan B - the skateboard.  I ran out on the 23rd and bought a skateboard, a helmet and knee and elbow pads.  Once I had made up my mind I was willing to go with Plan B, I (of course) found the original present yesterday.

By this time, I had heard from several people warning me the original present (a K'Nex Rollercoaster) can take an average of 9 hours to build.  Two hours in the ER sounded like a treat compared to the Hubs and I killing one another at 4 am a midst a thousand tiny K'Nex pieces.

This morning when the boy saw the skateboard, he was stunned.  He never really thought I'd approve the skateboard.  He was sure Santa would be forced to leave the K'Nex - or books.  He was pretty excited, but in his usual fashion, he tried out the skateboard on the carpet and about fell off it.  He became concerned and asked in wavering voice, "Mommy, how do you think I can practice on this thing without falling down all the time?"

That, son, is the number one reason I didn't want to buy this thing for you.

It's like our own version of my favorite Christmas movie - "A Christmas Story."  The boy won't shoot his eye out, but he'll probably fall down a lot, just like I predicted.

Merry Christmas!!  Thank you for making this the best Christmas ever for me.    

Saying Goodbye to the Elf on the Shelf

I can't believe that tonight the Elf on the Shelf will go back in his box (I mean, fly back to the North Pole to be with Santa, blah, blah).  Gotta keep the "magic" alive!

It's been a big season for our Elf.

We've owned our Elf for about 4 years now and we finally got around to naming him this year.  Privately, the Hubs and I had called him the "little bastard," but to his face, he was "Elfie."  We'd never written it in the book though (I can never bring myself to write in a book - it just feels so wrong), so the name was up for debate since it wasn't "set in stone."

After much negotiating and power brokering, he was christened "Choppy Elfie."  I have no idea why.  Mostly because it was a compromise between my kids.  The boy liked Elfie and the girl like Choppy.  So, Choppy Elfie it is, because Elfie Choppy didn't have the same ring to it.  Good thing I don't have 4 kids.

This year Choppy Elfie's powers over the kids were not as strong and I was a little disappointed in him.  He was slacking a bit this year.  At one point I found him swilling out of a beer bottle - I'm beginning to think he spent most of the season drunk!

Tonight he will go back in his box, but some people are suggesting I bronze the little guy.  After all, when he came out of his box in November - OK, mid-December - less than 100 people had ever heard of me or my rant about him.  Now 1.5+ million people have read the rant, I have 26,000 people on Facebook who like my blog and I'm getting hate mail (a sure sign that I'm doing something right).  It's not the world domination I have planned for 2012, but it's a great start and he was there for the beginning of it.

I can't bronze him.  That would ruin my kids' childhood.

No, Choppy Elfie must go back in his box.  Some others have suggested I leave him out in a place of honor all year.

I can't bronze him and I can't leave him out all year.  If I leave him out, he'll get a swelled head every time he checks his inbox and sees people wetting their pants, crying tears of laughter and LTAO (Laughing Their Asses Off).  His ego will be enormous and we don't have room for that - mine takes up way too much space.

I'm sorry, but Choppy Elfie must go back.  He shouldn't be sad.  He should feel like he had a great season.  We had a good run and in the end, I even remembered to move him a few times (thanks to all the reminders from people on FB).  If people are sad about Choppy Elfie going back in his box, they should remember I never set him on fire (accidentally with a lamp or on purpose with a campfire for roasting s'mores); I never put him in compromising positions with Barbie or Dora or Santa or G.I. Joe; I never hung him from the rafters; and I never made him fish out of the toilet.  I kept his dignity and that's saying a lot in this house.

We will miss Choppy Elfie and we will be excited next November - OK, mid-December - to take him out of his box and welcome him back to his familiar circuit of perches: three kitchen shelves, the mantle and the Christmas tree.

We love you, Choppy Elfie and this Mama is sooooo glad people decided to go Elfin' CrAzee this year!!

Just A Few Things For the Week


I know, I know.  How grumpy can I be this week?  I started the week with 70 awesome followers and I was thrilled if I got 300 page views in a day and then I caught a fever and now I passed 1 million page views, I've got over 1,000 awesome NEW followers here on the blog and over 19,000 amazing people on  Facebook who have "Liked" my page.  It's been a pretty fucking awesome week.

But you know me, I've always got something that's irritating me, so here come some mini-punches:

1.  Random strangers who "worry" about my children's childhood.  With all the attention the blog received this week, I was consumed by love from so many people (thank you, thank you).  HOWEVER, there were several detractors out there too (thank you, thank you for giving me inspiration to write this post).

I really touched a nerve with this whole Elf thing and apparently because I don't make snow angels in flour or write notes from the Elf to my children and I bitch about occasionally forgetting to move their elf, my children are suffering greatly and I should probably be investigated.  No one came right out and said, "Call Child Protective Services!" but many "worried" and "felt bad for" my kids.  A lot of people are concerned I do nothing all day but sit in front of the computer, swilling beer and harping on "good" mommies while my children eat their own feces and bang their heads against the wall trying to get my attention.  Someone even suggested I don't like being a mom.

To that person, I'd like to give a very special "Fuck you very much."  Being a mom is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I don't need to move a goddamned doll around my house to prove that.

Now that I got that out of the way, I'd like to put these other concerns to rest.

I tend to write early in morning (it's 4 am right now and my children are safely sleeping in their beds upstairs - I think) or while my children are at school.  The Hubs and I are both self-employed and work from home so when our children are not at their schools they are home with us (daycare just isn't for me) and if I need to write while my children are here, I have the Hubs to attend to their every whiny need. (Whoops, the worried moms aren't going to like that I called them whiny - but they are sometimes!)  

It is true, I don't believe in making every single waking moment of their precious lives spectacular and wonderful.  (The worried moms got that part right.)  I don't think that's a bad thing and I definitely don't think that makes me a bad mother.  I think that by treating every moment with them like it's a fucking miracle is doing them a disservice down the road and I think it turns them into self-indulgent little nightmares now.

You know what?  This ain't Disneyland and the sooner they realize that, the better.  Some days are just boring and they suck and the sooner my kids realize that and learn how to entertain themselves, the better.  I can't be responsible for all their happiness - some of it has to come from within.  What's going to happen when they're 20 and still looking to me to make them happy?  Right now it's easy, but if I keep raising that bar, by the time they're 20 what can I do for them to make them happy?  It's not funny when a 6 year old throws a temper tantrum because he's bored, what will it be like when a 20 year old pitches a fit because he's bored?

Not to worry, we do make memories as a family.  Just yesterday, I actually put down my beer and pushed my fat ass away from the computer for an hour to take lunch to my kids at school.  It was not a Bento Box filled with organic, homemade food with sandwiches cut into the shapes of dinosaurs or anything like that.  It was a Happy Meal - flame away.

We went and looked at Christmas lights last night after dinner.  Hell, tonight, I took them Christmas caroling in our neighborhood!  Christmas caroling, people!  I wanted to punch myself when we were done - but I did it.  BTW, both kids will remember this night, just in different ways.  The boy had a blast.  He was surrounded by his friends running through the neighborhood like a feral animal singing Christmas carols at the top of his lungs.  The girl never opened her mouth to sing and after two houses, she begged to go home.  I didn't say every memory we're making is a good one!

We read Harry Potter last night before bed.  (I sure hope someone forwarded my blog to J.K. this week.  If you're reading this - I love you, J.K.!  Call me!)

I read to my kids, I play games (video and board) with them, I talk to them, I make crafts with them, I volunteer at their schools, I cuddle them, I even spoil them occasionally (aren't we all guilty of this?), I dress them like tiny rockstars, they are always well-fed and happy most of the time.  They have a beautiful home to live in that is warm in the winter and cool in the summer.  They attend award-winning schools and live in a safe community.  They have a social calendar that would make a Kardashian cry.

So, please don't "worry" another second about my children, because it really bugs the shit out of me and this time I was nice, next time I won't be so polite.

2.  Anyone who thought my Holiday Letter was legit.  (It was probably the same people who worry about my kids.)  I just want to be clear here:  my blog is meant to be funny.  It's called sarcasm.  If you can't get sarcasm, then I'm not sure we can be friends.  There seem to be a lot of other blog options out there for you to try.  Google "Cutest Little Blog Award" and see what pops up.  I bet you'll find your kind of people there.

3.  The guy who sat behind me at "Breaking Dawn."  I went to see "Breaking Dawn".  (Yes, I'm a TwiMom - is anyone surprised?)  The movies are absolutely laughable, but I still have to go and see them.  I was totally Team Edward while I was reading the books - Jacob is such a whiny bitch he actually makes Bella seem pleasant.  Once I saw who they cast, I was over Edward.  My dilemma is that Rob is the only actor who is legal, so I can't publicly fawn over Taylor's abs.  I'll just say when I see Jacob standing shirtless in the cold rain, I laugh out loud, but at the same time I appreciate the view.  It's about time a male actor was made to do some gratuitous topless shots.

My friend was going to go with me.  After much wrangling of our schedules and childcare options, we finally found a midday show that would work for both of us.  At the eleventh hour, she was reminded she'd offered to babysit a neighbor's kid and had to back out.  Since I'd already found a babysitter for my daughter and I was in the mindset to see Jake's abs and Edward's blinding lack of abs, I went ahead and went alone.

I thought I'd have the theatre to myself.  Middle of a weekday...teenybopper movie...Boy, was a I mistaken.  Apparently, there is a large number of seniors who are into "Twilight" as well.  TwiFogeys?  The theatre was full of groups of older women and several elderly couples.  I actually stepped out and checked the marquee to make sure I was in the right place.  It was correct.

OK then.

I found a seat and the movie started.  The man behind me wheezed a lot through the movie.  I'm used to noisy distractions in "Twilight" movies, but usually it's caused by teenagers making out and I have go all "mom" them and yell, "Would you please just SHUSH???"  (Yeah, I said, "Shush."  Those are someone's kids, and as much as I'd like to, I just can't say "Shut the fuck up, you half wits, Edward is proposing!!")

I tuned out the wheezing and focused on the horrible makeup job on the vampires.  (The budgets keep getting bigger for these movies, but they can't seem to find a good makeup artist who knows how to blend.  A vampire does not have a pasty face and a tanned (tan-ish in Edward's case) neck and chest.

About halfway through the movie, the man stopped wheezing and coughed.  Not a little cough like cough, cough.  But a COUGH, COUGH.  He coughed so hard my hair moved in his "breeze"!  I thought, Fabulous.  Now I've got typhoid.


Sure enough, that night I was puking my guts out.  Fourteen bucks worth of popcorn absolutely wasted.  Nice job, Typhoid Larry!

4.  Holiday cookie exchanges.  One more thing to worry about during this festive season.  I've actually noticed my invites for cookie exchanges dropped off this year - I don't think I'm making the cut anymore.  I'm OK with that, actually.  There are things I'm good at, but holiday baking is not one of them.  I do not have the patience necessary to decorate adorable sugar cookies or dip cake balls or whip up amazing Snickerdoodles.  Presentation means nothing to me.  I have no problem slapping my slice and bake cookies on a paper plate and calling it done.

I hate bringing home cookies from the cookie exchange.  What if they're horrible?  I know mine are, so chances are someone else's are too.  I'm really picky about who baked the cookies too.  There's always that crazy cat lady who comes and brings Peanut Butter Blossoms.  PBBs are my favorites, but I'm afraid I'll find a cat hair in them.  I did once - this is where my fear comes from.

I'll leave my cookies, but I try not to bring any home.  I'll say I'm trying to watch what I eat or something lame like that.  Then the hostess will say, "Take some to give as gifts!"

Give as gifts?  Do I want that on my record?  Do I really want to give my mailman fur-laced Peanut Butter Blossoms?  Or my kid's teacher chocolate covered hockey pucks?  No, no, no.  It's bad enough that I expect my family to eat these unknown cookies, but I can't give them as gifts!

5.  Pinterest.  Can someone please explain this to me?  I got an account a few months ago when I needed new garage doors.  I was trying to find a design I liked and a friend directed me to Pinterest.  She warned me I'd be on there for "hours."

I bet I haven't spent one hour on Pinterest.  I must be a complete idiot, because I can't figure out how to work the damn thing.  I can re-pin other's finds, but I can't pin my own findings.  People find me and follow me, but I can't seem to follow back.  I can search it and find some cool shit to pin like amazing kitchens and playrooms, but I'm not sure why I'm pinning this stuff since my house looks nothing like these homes and I could never recreate these rooms in my house.  I noticed my blog is on Pinterest and I didn't even know you could "pin" a blog.

I don't get it and I know a lot of you do.  Educate me.  Tell me what I'm missing.

6.  In that same vein is Twitter.  My SIL emailed me yesterday and told me that my blog was all over "The Twitter."  This cracked me up, because I don't even know how to tweet.  I'm a twat?  Ugh.  The Hubs spent a couple hours today figuring out Twitter and getting an account set up for me @Throat_Punch.  Now I've got followers and I don't know what to do/say to them.  I don't know the etiquette of Twitter.  Do you tweet your every movement (bowels included)?  Do you just repost stuff?  What's with the hashtags?

Do I really need to be on Twitter?  What's the point?  Again, tell me what I'm missing.





Governor Sam Brownback AKA "Baby Brownback"

Wah!  What a complete and total baby!  Once again, I am amazed by how ridiculous elected leaders in our country behave.  A few days ago an 18 year old girl from my area went to Topeka for a field trip.  Her class had to endure some dumb comments made by Sam Brownback, our illustrious governor and wannabe President that nobody wanted.  Emma Sullivan, the girl, was bored by Brownback's comments so she tweeted a joke to her friends:  “Just made mean comments at gov brownback and told him he sucked, in person #heblowsalot.”  


Believe it or not, Brownback's staff actually searches daily for offensive and disrespectful comments made about Brownback on the 'net.  What a complete douche bag.  As a tax paying citizen of Kansas, I am infuriated that this is actually part of someone's job description and that my tax dollar are paying for it.  


After Brownback cried to his mommy, I mean Communications Director, this woman contacted Emma's school and demanded an apology for being "disrespectful" and her school is pressuring Emma to do it.  WTF?  Is this 1939 Berlin?  


First of all, why is the school even involved?  Yes, this was a school field trip, but Emma has parents and if you have a problem with Emma it needs to be taken up with her parents not her school!  Unless Brownback is sending a clear message to our school districts:  We are watching you and if you want our funding you will keep your students in line.  



If Emma was my daughter she'd be in trouble for lying (she didn't actually talk to him).  We'd talk about how the Internet is forever and not at all private - if she puts something out there, she'd better be prepared to defend it.  But she would NOT write an apology.  In fact, I'd go to battle with the school over that one.  They could kick her out for all I care and I could join the millions of homeschoolers in my great state - only I'd teach evolution and sex ed.  



The second problem I have is that Brownback's office is trolling the Internet looking for anything that might tarnish his image.  You can't just silence someone who doesn't like you, Brownback.  


And my third problem is, how did they find Emma?  Most teenagers that I know have their Twitter, Facebook, et al. accounts locked down so that only their friends can know who their full names.  How did Brownback's office find out her name?  As a parent this would frighten me.  If Brownback can find her, any perv can.


It just seems like Brownback is reaching and really abusing his power.  Fuck you, Baby Brownback and your little minions too.  


What happened to freedom of speech?  Since when can't we tell our politicians what we think of them?  Sure, it was a tad immature, but she's a high school kid!  And at the end of the day, Brownback DOES blow and I'm thrilled she knows it.  I live in Kansas where I feel like I'm surrounded by a right-wing Christian army of lemmings all waiting to jump over God's cliff when the anti-Christ comes to Planned Parenthood, so it is nice to see a girl who realizes Brownback DOES suck and isn't good for our state.  After all, what companies would want to bring their headquarters to a state with such a record for ignorance?  


You know, I WISH Emma had been able to tell him he sucks, because it would have been refreshing for someone to tell him to his face instead of having to blog about it and then be threatened by his office, which by the way makes him even more immature than Emma.  How old are you, Brownback?  You're an elected politician.  If you can't take heat from a random 18 year old and her silly tweet, then how can you be expected to do your job?    


Since Emma didn't have time and now it appears she'll probably be hit with a gag order, I'm going to tell you all the reasons why I think Brownback sucks and I dare him to tell his Communications Director to tell her assistant to tell a staffer to tell an intern to call me (eh, they'll probably call my daddy or my husband since I'm a silly woman) and demand an apology.  


I am a registered voter in Kansas.  I am an adult with an opinion that I like to share.  I believe in the Constitution and the freedom of speech.  I'm not yelling "Fire" in a movie theatre, I'm just saying "Bite me, you pussy."


Brownback has cut all of our state's funding for the arts (the only state in the union without it), he's so pro-life he's actually taken out ads saying Romney isn't and thinks a woman who was raped should be forced to keep the child (Fuck you very much on that one, Governor), he voted to ban gay marriage and called it a social experiment (But when hetero divorce is at 50% THAT'S not an experiment.  Nope, people are really taking those vows seriously unlike the gays would.), he must really have a hard on for gays, because he also voted no on adding sexual orientation to hate crimes (I guess gays just have it coming?), he voted to loosen restrictions on cell phone wire tapping (I can expect that tomorrow, I'm sure), he does not believe in evolution and refuses to fund the classes in our schools (And don't worry, folks, sex ed will be next), he voted against background checks at gun shows and he was given a 100% rating by the Christian Coalition for his pro-family voting record ('nuf said).  You can see his complete record here.


You might wonder why I stay here if I'm so displeased with my Governor.  


Well, I live in my own little bubble here in Kansas.  I live in a beautiful city where the cost of living is low so I can afford a lovely home and I can travel and get the hell out of town when I want (or pay for an illegal abortion, if necessary).  My kids attend award winning schools and I just teach them evolution and sex ed at home.  I can afford to be self-employed in Kansas and work from home - the best of both worlds for my family values.  


I've lived in other cities around the country and it isn't any better.  Kansas is just the lesser of the evils for me.  

Even though Emma probably wasn't as polite as she should have been, at least she wasn't this bad.

Continuing Education

I have to take continuing education every year to keep my job.  It's a necessary evil.  There are many places I could do it.  I could go to a professional school and pay, I could pay and listen to the lesson online and take a test to prove I listened or I could go for free to the real estate commission and take the class there.  If the class still has room, I typically go to the free one.  I hate going there though, because you're treated like a criminal the entire time and you're surrounded by nutjobs.

The commission has a strict policy for what time they start and if your butt is not in a seat, you don't get credit.  Period.  The last time I went, I got there 1 minute (no exaggeration at all) past the start time and they would not let me in the room.  Because I'm a total procrastinator when it comes to CE and my license was going to expire at the end of that week I didn't have any other choice than to throw a hissy fit in the middle of the commission and beg them to open the doors.  The women there just stared at me like I was a 4year old having a temper tantrum (I'm sure that's what I looked like - I was desperate after all) but wouldn't let me in the room.  I finally left in a huff - mostly irritated with myself for being late and screwing up, but a little mad at them for not letting me in. I have no love loss for the commission.  I went home and had to plunk down 40 bucks to take the class online and take a test.  Ugh. I hate tests.

This time I left the house an hour before the class started (I live 20 minutes away.  Max.).  I didn't want to take any chances this time.  I got there plenty early and had my pick of seats in the room.  I realized that I didn't have my glasses (I don't wear them all the time) and so I needed to sit near the front so I could see the board.  I sat in the second row on the aisle seat since I'm a lefty.  I hate when my elbow bumps into my neighbor's.  I busied myself with reading the rules of the day:

1.  Turn off all cell phones, PDAs, iPads, any electronic device.
2.  NO talking or whispering.
3.  You must be inside the room when the class begins and you must return from all breaks with plenty of time before the class begins or you will not get credit.

The room started filling up and a older woman with a typical "Realtor look" (puffy, helmet hair, Chico's-type clothing with a few too many accessories and a lot of makeup) sat down next to me. She had a Bluetooth earpiece in.  I've always had a pet peeve for those things.  I just want to say, "Beam me up, Scottie!" whenever I see someone with those things in their ears.  She was chatting away on her ear piece:

"Good morning!  I hope you are ready for a productive day!"  (WTH???)  "I won't be in this morning since I'm in class so you'll need to make the coffee.....Yes, I know I have a lot to do today, but what can I do?  I have to take this class.  I'll just have to really hit it hard this afternoon....Yes...it will be tough for me to just sit here and not do anything.  I'll just have to though. "  She glances at me to see if I'm listening.  Right then I thought to myself, Liar!


I would bet just about any amount of money that she was talking to herself.

"I'm going to need your help this morning.  I'm going to need 5 CMAs for Mike, Rob, Sam, Joe and Larry, because y'know, I'm going to list all their houses next week."  Bullshit.  Next week is Thanksgiving.  No one is going to list their house the week of Thanksgiving, let alone 5 people!  This woman was putting on a show for the rest of us.

"I'm also going to need 3 or 4 buyer agencies written up for those buyers I'm meeting with tonight."  What???  No way, no now.  You would know EXACTLY how many buyers you are meeting with tonight and you'd never stack 3 OR 4 on top of each other.

At this point, I just turn in my seat and stare at her.  I'm not going to eavesdrop anymore, I'm just going to make her lie to my face.  I'm positive now that she's calling her voice mail and leaving all this on her own machine.

She has to hang up now, because the class is getting ready to start.

The class starts and I count not 1, but FIVE people who come in the room in the first 5 minutes of the lecture.  I am irritated, but I ignore this blatant breaking of rule 3.  One of the latecomers slides into the aisle in front of us to take an open chair.  She has a huge purse and she accidentally knocks over Bluetooth Lady's hot coffee and spills it all over her Chico's-type outfit.

"Mother of God!" Bluetooth shouts.

Big purse turns around, "Oh, man, did I do that?"

"Of course you did!"

"Oh.  Wow.  OK."  Wow.  That was bold.  I don't like Bluetooth Lady that much either, but I would apologize if I spilled hot coffee all over her.  I'd also try to find something to mop up the coffee with.  Not this chick.  She just sat down and got ready for business.

The instructor is staring daggers into Big Purse and Bluetooth Lady.  Big Purse sits down in her chair while Bluetooth wrings out her top.  Bluetooth looks at me and says, "Can you believe she did that?  She didn't even apologize."  I put my finger to my lips.  No talking or whispering.  I'm not going to get thrown out of this class for you, Bluetooth Lady.


Within two minutes of Big Purse sitting down her phone starts shrieking.  And I mean shrieking.  She has recorded children yelling or singing (I can't tell the difference) and that is her ring tone.  She starts messing with the phone trying to turn it off.  She looks like something out of a comedy movie.  She throws it in the bottom of her enormous purse, but we can still hear it.  She pulls it out and pushes all the buttons and actually increases the volume.  She actually sits on it!!  No one's butt is big enough to silence that phone.  Finally, she stands up and ducks into an adjacent room.  She fumbles with it for another minute until finally the instructor yells at her.  She comes back in the room and now her phone is in pieces.  She had to take the battery out to make it stop.  Genius.

Speaking of Genius, here are some of the discussion questions we had in class that day.  Three mind-numbing hours of questions like:

(Remember, these are experienced Realtors.)

"So....if I don't have a written and signed contract between a buyer and a seller, someone can back out?"

"Wait a minute, FSBOs (For Sale By Owners) aren't listed by Realtors?"  (Yes.)  "Oh, OK, so where do I find those in MLS (Multiple Listing Service - used only by Realtors)."

"I live in Kansas and I sell in both Kansas and Missouri.  I need to pay taxes in both states?  Oh crap.  Yeah, I've never done that before.  My accountant never mentioned it.  I'm sure I don't owe much.  Eh.  It will be fine."  (I didn't have the heart to say you must also pay a separate tax on any property you sell in Kansas City, MO.)

"I usually sell residential, can I sell commercial?"  (Yes, a real estate license can be used for selling residential real estate AND/OR commercial real estate.)  "Oh, OK, cool.  Wait, but a commercial real estate agent can't sell residential right?"

"You really think we should give our advice to our clients?  Hmm...I really hate giving my opinion.  I could be wrong."  (What are you getting paid for then?)

And my favorite.  We were talking about personal safety and I was shocked and horrified to find out how many of my fellow Realtors carry concealed handguns when they're showing houses.  Can you deduct that as a business expense???  I need to call my accountant!

Michelle (The Uterus of Steel) and Jim Bob (Super Sperm) Duggar

Seriously, Michelle and Jim Bob?  Can't you two just keep it in your pants for once?  It was weird and sort of interesting when you had 14 kids, but now you're just reaching carnival freak level.  I think Jim Bob is a controlling Jesus-freak who believes he's a god on Earth lording over his own little Duggar Country.  I can't even find a hint of a person there that I could understand or communicate with, so I'll talk to Michelle.  We're both women, we're both mothers.  I've seen pictures of her before she started perming her hair at home and watching Jim Bob at all times for any sign of displeasure.  She once looked normal and fun and happy, surely we can find common ground.

I just have a couple of questions for Michelle:

1.  Do you wear adult diapers every day? I've only had two kids and let me tell ya, there have been more times than I'd like to admit that I have had trouble getting to the bathroom in time.  My bladder is not as strong as it once was and it degraded exponentially with each child.  I can't imagine what yours must be like.  You must just walk around with full pants all damn day.  If not, then maybe I should rename this post Bladder of Steel.

2.  Do you ever tell Jim Bob you have a headache?  Seriously, woman.  Your hoohaw must be barely recovered from birthing the last baby before Jim Bob comes around again looking for nooky.  Would it kill you to take a night off and give him a bottle of Lubriderm and tell him even God got to rest?

3.  Do you ever get to choose the name of the kids?  I've only watched a couple of episodes and every time you guys were deciding on names for the newest arrival (shocker) and "Daddy," as we all like to call him, was giving everyone a chance to vote, but his vote was supreme.  And that bastard went against the majority and picked his own choice every time.

4.  What's with the "J"s?  I'm assuming it's because Jim Bob is a narcissist.  But let's face it, you are running out of options and at this point, you're just making names up ("Joy-Anna" and "Jinger").  Plus, you've got a lot of variations on the same name:  Joy-Anna, Johannah, Jana.  And really, you went with Jinger before Jennifer?  You still had perfectly good "J" names left, you didn't need to start butchering the "G"s.

5.  Do you have a clause in your contract with TLC that for every kid featured on the show you get more money?  For me, it's the only logical reason to have 20 kids.

6.  Could you tell your silly son to get his own shtick?  I saw him on the Today show yesterday with his two kids (20 months apart!!) with names starting with "M".  Stop that nonsense right now.  I barely want to watch your show, there's no way I'm going to watch a show about him.

7.  Do you worry at all about the world's population and the strain it causes on the natural resources?  Or do you think God will just make the planet bigger to accommodate good Christians who choose not to use birth control?

8.  Do you worry at all about your health or, more importantly, the health of your baby?  That last one should have given you enough of a scare to get a hysterectomy.  That baby barely survived and you barely survived.  You want to live the Little House on the Prairie life well let me tell you, you would have died on the Prairie, Ma, and so would your baby.  Who will take care of your 19 children if you die during childbirth?  Not Jim Bob, that's for damn sure.  That's women's work.  Good thing you have so many daughters.  I guess they can just step in.  They're technically raising most of the other younger kids already, so it won't be too different I guess.

9.  Do you worry about the example you are setting for your daughters?  Are they looking forward to their lives as baby factories and dairy producers?  Not to mention professional homeschoolers and laundresses.  I don't see many other options available for your girls.  I don't see anyone encouraging them to follow their dreams.  I'm sure you've got one or two who dream of being full time mothers to a large brood and that's fine, but I KNOW there has to be at least one trying to figure out how to get out of the hell hole known as Duggar Country.  I know there's at least one daughter dreaming of going to away to college to study something other than Bible Studies, or one thinking of running off to Hollywood or one that just wants a cute little pixie cut!

10.  Why are you so damn ultra competitive when it comes to birthing babies?  Why do you have to push your 45 year old self to have yet another baby?  I think I know. You've got a daughter in law now with two babies just 20 months apart.  She's on your heels.  Do you feel that pressure?  Are you playing the odds?  Hoping Anna will give up after 12 and cry "uncle"?  Hoping Anna's uterus will give out on number 15?  Hoping Anna's 45 year old eggs will be too old and dusty to get the job done?

Chill out, Michelle. Take a break.  Put those feet (and constantly swollen ankles) up and breathe.  You've got this.  You are the winner.  No one (except maybe your own family members) wants to even try to give you a run for your money.  You have the greatest uterus and possibly, bladder, that ever lived, now put it to pasture and call it a day.

Whoever Funded the Recent Study on Hot Dogs

Hey, did you hear?  If your child eats a hot dog every day of his/her life she raises her chances of colon cancer.  Really?  Wow, I had no idea eating a hot dog every day of your life was bad for you.  Next you're going to tell me that Happy Meals are not healthy either (I always order Apple Dippers - caramel's healthy, right??).

What the hell is wrong with people?  Who thinks funding research into studies about health and hot dogs was a good idea?  I mean we ALL know what hot dogs are made out of.  No one even thinks for a second that there might be anything remotely healthy about a hot dog - ESPECIALLY if you eat one every day.


NOT "healthy" food

This reminds me of a few years ago when they came out with microwave popcorn will cause lung cancer.  There was a man who ate TWO BAGS of microwave popcorn A DAY and when it would come out of the microwave he would inhale the toxic aroma before he'd ingest the "butter flavor" coated popcorn.  After 5 years of this, he developed a rare form of lung cancer.  DUH.

You would have to live under a rock to think that things like daily hot dogs, twice daily microwave popcorn, daily chocolate pudding, daily pizza and daily super sized McMeals aren't bad for your health.  My four year old knows that.

Who funds these research projects?  Isn't there something better you can do with your money?  I hear Haiti and Japan could still use some help.  Or you could spend your money on the school lunch program so they don't serve a variation of hot dog to my kid 2-3 times a week (mini corndogs is the same as a corndog, lunch lady).

What genius chooses who gets the funding?  Hmmm...we've got money to spend, what should we spend it on?  Pediatric cancers?   Nah.  Heart Disease.  Eh.  Erectile dysfunction?  Possibly.  The link between hot dogs and colon cancer?  Yes!  Let's do that one!

When the Media Speculates That EVERYONE Might Be Pregnant

Last night I was reading the news and a story caught my eye about the dangers of eating too many peanuts when pregnant.  I thought to myself, Phew, I'm glad I'm done having kids, because I LOVE peanut butter.  I still clicked on it, though, thinking it might be interesting to read.  It was not at all what I expected.  It was an article about Prince William, Princess Catherine and two other royals nobody gives a crap about visiting Africa to raise awareness about a famine there (I don't mean to be an asshole, but don't we all know by now there are  famines in Africa and we still don't do a damn thing about it?  Did the royals think they were going to tell us something new?).  They were packing shipments of some peanut-based supplement and all the royals except Kate took a taste.  The article said Kate gave Will a "knowing smile" and passed it by.  This simple act touched off a media explosion of  "Peanuts are bad for pregnant women.  Kate didn't eat the peanut crap.  Is Kate pregnant?"  Seriously??  Why can't Kate just despise peanuts??  How do we know it didn't go down like this:


Wills:  Katie, darling, we have to go Africa and raise awareness around the globe about famine.
Kate: Oh.  OK.  What shall I pack?  Are we going alone?
Wills:  No, I think the Prince of Sweden or Denmark - I can never remember where he's from - he's going.  Oh and his wife - the other commoner princess.
Kate:  You mean the barmaid?
Wills:  Actually, Kate, they just met in a bar.  She didn't work there.
Kate:  I can't believe the media thinks we're anything alike.  My family are bloody millionaires.  We met at an exclusive private university.  She's some Australian he met in a bar called the Slip Inn!  Honestly, that is disgusting.
Wills:  Regardless, there's something more important.  They want us eat some sort of God awful peanut butter paste in front of the cameras.
Kate:  Peanut butter!
Wills:  Yes, I know how you feel about the stuff.
Kate:  Feel about it?  I absolutely abhor peanut butter, William.  Ever since that summer at equestrian camp when Pippa dared me to eat an entire jar and then I threw it all up the next day during my dressage lesson I just can't even stand the smell of it.  Besides, do you know how much fat there is in peanut butter?  I can't.  I just can't.  I can't even fake it.
Wills:  What will you do?  The entire world will be watching.
Kate:  I will politely decline.
Wills:  You know what will happen don't you?
Kate:  What?
Wills:  They'll speculate you're pregnant.
Kate:  What?  How will they get that from me not eating peanut butter paste?
Wills:  You know how it is.  They find signs of pregnancy in everything you do.  If your stomach wrinkles when you sit down, you're faking your pregnancy, if you have a pooch after a big dinner, you're hiding a pregnancy.  If you're too thin, you're stressed because you can't get pregnant.  If you choose not to drink wine with your dinner tonight, you must be pregnant.  If you wear a baggy sweater, you're hiding a pregnancy.  I'm surprised they didn't turn the scar on your head into a pregnancy rumor.
Kate:  Well, don't worry, I'll politely decline it and then the next day I'll go to the shops in Spandex, but I won't wear my wedding band - that always sets them on a tear. And if that doesn't work we can leak that Pippa is pregnant - serves her right for ruining me for peanut butter.
Wills: I love you, Katie, darling.  You're such a media mastermind.

Anyone Who Has Ever Paid For Eyelash Extensions

I knew we were a vain, vain world, but eyelash extensions?  Really???!!  Unless you lost your eyelashes in a fire or from disease there should be no reason in the world why you would EVER buy eyelash extensions.  If you did, we cannot be friends.  I'm dead serious.  Delete me from your phone right now.

Imagine my surprise the other day when I opened my newest offer from Groupon and discovered I could buy eyelash extensions for a mere $75 (a $200 value, of course).  I assume that is for TWO eyes, but I didn't read the small print (I have naturally lush eyelashes and sometimes they hinder me when there is small print).

I hate, hate, hate these ridiculous products that are designed to make women feel even worse about themselves than they already do!  As if we don't care enough about our asses being too big, our boobs being too small, our hair being too straight/curly/frizzy/limp/dull/gray/whatever or our yellow teeth, now we need to worry about fucking eyelashes???

Are your eyelashes puny?  Is that why your husband cheats on you/you eat too much/you didn't get the big promotion at work/blah, blah, blah?  Well, buy eyelash extensions and you'll feel soooo much better about yourself and all your dreams will come true!


Don't be a loser with puny lashes.

Complete asshole charlatans.  Is your neck flabby?  Buy this.  Small butt?  Buy this.  Big butt?  Buy this.  Want bigger eyes (even if you're Asian)?  Buy these.  Got wrinkles?  Try this or this.  There are so many companies out there who are taking your money and telling you it will all be alright.  Just drink this snake oil.  Ugh!!!  It's sooo damn annoying!

Why don't men do any of this shit?  Every now and again you see a guy with hair plugs and a really bad face lift, but that's it.  When you go to the pool you see saggy man boobs, wrinkled knees, ear and nose hair that you could braid, nasty teeth and faded, stretched out tattoos that were (sort of) cool in the 80s.  And yet, they walk around like they OWN the joint and they've got to beat the ladiez off with a stick.  What gives?  Where do they get this amazing sense of self worth?  Maybe all we need is a shot of testosterone and we won't give a shit either.

Now that I think about it closer, I think my beef is really with Groupon (and the entire Bravo line up).  Between discounted offers for spider vein treatments, eyelash extensions, Vagazzling and Pole Worx I think Groupon needs to fuck off completely.  All I can think is their target demographics are hookers and Real Housewives of Any City.

What is wrong with us that we think our self worth hangs on an eyelash or bedazzled vagina?  How sad is it that reputable businesses like bookstores are going bankrupt, millions of homes are in foreclosure, children are hungry but we're still willing to spend hard earned money on stupid shit like eyelash extensions?

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Marni Kotak - "Artist"

Have you heard of this chick yet?  WTF?  Seriously.  She is an artist in Brooklyn who is going to give birth to her first child live in an art gallery.  After reading her bio, I've decided this will be nothing new for her.  Apparently, she specializes in her own real life re-enactments.  She's performed her own birth (ew), attending her grandfather's funeral (who cares?) and losing her virginity (ick).  WTF?  Why can't she just get a job as a telemarketer?  Who does this shit?  Better yet, who supports this shit?

I'm about to pop. Come watch it LIVE.

It's being billed as her "most profound and physically challenging performance" yet.  Ya think?  You mean giving birth will be physically harder than pretending to attend grandpa's funeral?

I would never wish a birth complication on anyone, but it really would serve her right if for some reason her doctor/midwife/doula/stargazer (whoever is taking charge of her medical care) determines her baby needs a Cesarean section and it can't be done at the gallery.

OK, so I've never been a real fan of art so it's not a stretch for me to hate this woman.

Don't get me wrong, I like a pretty picture on my wall, I enjoy a good movie and a great book, but I despise "performance art".

Just because you can take a crap in public, I won't let you call it art.  Ooh look, I'm typing on my computer.  I'm re-enacting yesterday's blog post!  I'm an artist!

I mean, seriously, what is wrong with this lady and the people who are signed up to come and witness the birth?  We have become way too voyeuristic and we share way too much.

This isn't art, this is narcissism.  This is "Look at me, look at me!" wrapped up as art.  Marni isn't built like my favorite attention whore, Courtney (did you see the pics of her and Doug at the pumpkin patch this weekend before they were kicked out???), so she has to resort to using what she's got - a uterus and very little modesty when it comes to complete strangers seeing her shit herself while she's pushing.  Oh, it will happen, people.

She's also going to raise Baby X (I assume once the baby is born it will be given a ridiculous name like Santana or Oberon) as an art installation.  It will document her child's upbringing from birth through college.  Yeah, that's called Facebook, dumbass.  Oberon slept through the night last night.  A miracle!  I can't believe Santana is already 2 years old.  It's amazing how time flies.  Seems like just yesterday I gave birth to her in art gallery.  I'm so grateful to the homeless man who wandered by and gave her a blessing.  It has been life-changing!  If that's art, then we've all got child-rearing installations going on, lady.  You don't get to raise a kid and call it art.

She also hates Facebook because she thinks people today are desperately seeking meaning in their lives and Facebook is enabling that by letting them post the most mundane things.  Uhhh....you want me to get off my ass and walk down to an art gallery to see you re-enact your grandfather's funeral.  At least on Facebook I just have to read about it.

The more I think about it, I think I've changed my mind.  I want to be a performance artist.  I want to set up my entire bedroom and bathroom in the middle of an art gallery.  I want soundproof glass walls that no one can see through - only I can see out.  I have food that I order delivered to me, books, cable, Internet and a phone that only makes outgoing phone calls.  I get to stay there for a week in complete silence and solitude.  It will be the most profound (and relaxing) time of my life.  I can re-enact nights that I slept 8 hours before I had children.  I can  re-enact reading books that I enjoyed many years ago.  I can blog about my experiences in my box and make fun of the people I see through the glass.

These Fucking People

What the fuck is wrong with people???!!!!  Have you seen this?  (Warning, this is the most fucking disturbing thing I've ever seen.  Read the article, but watch the video at your own risk.  I really mean it.  It is horrible.  I've heard from people who didn't believe me and now regret they watched the video.  Believe me, I regretted it at first too, but now I'm glad I did, because I won't EVER forget this little girl.)  Anyone who appears in this video ignoring this child should be executed - painfully and slowly.

I'm at a loss for words right now.  I'm sitting here watching this video and I am so angry I want to actually hurt someone.  Who runs over a child???  TWICE, you motherfucker!!!  And worse, who walks by and ignores her?    I guess when you live in a country with a billion people one life isn't worth shit.

Unbelievable.

My Tax Dollars At Work

I live in a pretty nice town.  We pay high taxes and because of that we enjoy a lot of nice amenities like good schools, lots of parks, very few potholes and more.

This week I started realizing I pay way too much in taxes.  In one day I witnessed the following shitty examples of my tax dollars at work:

I drove my daughter to her school and when I pulled into the neighborhood by her school I noticed 2 police cars pulled over to the curb.  I wondered what the deal was.  It's a pretty busy street during drop off and pick up and I thought maybe they were setting up a speed trap or something.  I slowed down to the speed limit (no sense being made the example for the rest of the swagger wagons coming through behind me) and proceeded with extreme caution to the school.

I dropped off my daughter and headed back home.  I remembered the speed trap and slowed down to a crawl as I came up to where I'd last seen the police officers.  The police cars were now parked and there were 2 police officers walking along the sidewalk.

Ooooh, manhunt!, I thought.  Now it's getting exciting.  Maybe there's a bank robber on the run or something like that.  

Being the nosybody that I am, I practically stopped to watch where they were going.  They walked up the sidewalk and stopped by a small pear tree that was the apparent victim of a heartless hit and run.  The tree was snapped at the base and lying there dying.  The first officer walked all the way around the tree, giving it little kicks here and there, taking notes while the second one took photos from every imaginable angle.

Are you kidding me with this shit?

First of all, who in their right mind thought for a second, "Someone ran over my tree!  9! 1! 1!"????

Who does that?  People who name their kids Londyn, that's who.

"Umm, hello?  Police?"

"Yes, ma'am, what is your emergency?"

"Yes, it's a big one!  Someone ran over my pear tree!  It's dead!  It's dead!"

"Wait a minute, slow down ma'am I can barely understand you.  Who is dead?   Are you sure they're dead?"

"I'm positive!  My tree is broken in half.  It could not have survived!"

"Did you take a pulse - Wait a minute.  Did you say a tree???!"

"Yes.  My pear tree.  That tree was like $200 and someone just ran it over.  I need an officer here now.  There needs to be an investigation.  I will be pressing charges!"

"Yeah, uh, OK.  Fine.  We'll send someone out in the next few days.  Bye."

Then, how sad and pathetic it must be for the cop who gets that call!

"Alright, everybody listen up.  It's time to hand out assignments for today.  Carter and McMillan, you get the robbery on the west side of town, Johnson and Phillips, you guys check out the missing person reports.  Let's see what else?  Oh yeah, Fisher and Burgess, you guys head over to that fancy pants neighborhood with the hit and run."

"Ooh, a hit and run, Chief?"

"Yeah, don't get too excited.  It's a tree.  Lady says it's pretty expensive - we all know that's bullshit - but she's a real pain in the ass so take lots of photos and a full report.  Make it look convincing.  You can shred it when you get back and take a long lunch."

I'm pretty sure when these men signed up for the police academy they dreamed of helping people, saving lives, taking down bad ass criminals and shooting a gun every day.  They never dreamed of finding the minivan that ran over a stupid tree.

And who in the world thought it would be a good idea to send out TWO cops for this travesty?  What a waste of resources.  And they couldn't ride together?  They each needed a car??  WTF??

I guess I should be happy that I live in a town with such a low crime rate that they've got two cops available for a hit and run to a tree.

After I passed the police officers doing their very important and time consuming work, I headed over to the local library to return some books.

My library is a beautiful building very close to my home.  I think it's only about 10 years old and every time I turn around they are doing something to update it.  This summer it was new concrete at the front the entrance.  I can't tell you what was wrong with the old, but obviously someone was highly offended by a crack or a divet that I couldn't see and so it was replaced with brand spanking new concrete.

The building is currently being remodeled because we are some serious lazy ass people - myself included.  Our library has this great little system where you can go online and reserve a book and then a librarian pulls the book for you and puts it on the hold shelf.  You get an alert when your book is on the shelf and you can go and pick it up.  I do this all the time.  I never go to the library and look up a book in the catalog and then actually navigate through that bastard Dewey's Decimal system to find said book.  I just point and click and wait for the librarian to do the work for me.

Now, this is where I draw the line.  I do actually drive to the library (it's too far to walk) and park my car and walk into the building to get my reserves from the shelf.  For those lazier library goers there is a drive up window where you can pull up and a librarian will get your holds for you.

They are remodeling the library because the drive up window makes this location is the most popular for holds and they have run out of space to house all the hold items.  We have libraries all over the county but people will drive miles out of their way just so they don't have to get out of the car to get their copy of Bossypants (seriously funny book, BTW)?!  Yup.  It's the McDonalds of the library world.  Pretty soon they'll be able to offer you a large mocha frappe with your Complete Works of Shakespeare.

What irritates me is this is the same library that had to cut their hours recently because of budget cuts.

This is also the same library where I overhead this conversation that day:

"I've lost my book and I need to pay for it," says the library card holder.

"OK, let's see.  It's $12.00," says the wimpy librarian (why do librarians constantly live up to their stereotypes??).

"Here you go," she hands him the money.

"Great.  Umm....wow, this is your third lost book."

"Yeah, I have a hard time keeping track of them.  And one was actually wrecked, it fell in a pool.  You guys just wouldn't take it back in that condition."

"Oh.  Yeah, water is pretty hard on books.  So...OK, it looks like you've got some other fines accumulating.  Did you want to pay those now....or...."

"Well, how much are they?"

"You've got two books that are overdue.  One is at $3.60 and the other is at $5.40."

"Yeah, I don't have that much with me right now. Plus, I think that one - the $5.40 one - is lost too.  I've looked everywhere for it and I can't find it.  I've got one more place to look though."

"Oh, well, you're almost maxed out."

"Maxed out?"

"Yeah, did you know that fines only go to a $6.00 maximum?"

"Wait, do you mean you can only charge me $6.00 total?"

"Yes.  And then it just holds until you pay it."

"Does it affect my ability to check out books?"

"Only if it becomes a real problem."  (At what point does it become a real problem, jackhole??  Three lost books - excuse me - two lost books and one destroyed book sounds like a problem to me.)

Now her wheels are spinning.  "Soooo....if I had just not reported that book lost, I would have been fined $6.00 and then it would be done?"

"Well, yes....I guess.  I mean, but the book was lost."

"Right, but you don't know that unless I tell you."

"Yes, I guess so...," now the genius librarian has realized he's let the cat out of the bag.  Now he sees where she's going and he can't stop her.  He starts to turn red with...anger?  No, I think it's simple embarrassment at how stupid he is.

"OK, so then in two more days, I'll reach $6.00 and I'll max out.  So I'll just call that one overdue.  I'll say I'm still reading it.  I'll bring back the other one, I know where it is."

"Well, yeah, I guess that would work..."

"Perfect!  That's what I'll do then.  Great.  Thanks very much!"  And she's off to lose even more books.

What a couple of douches.

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Catch Up

So, for the 5 of you who follow me faithfully, I would like to apologize for my absence.  Apparently, my mortgage company and credit card companies like to be paid with cash and not with blog posts so I had to actually get some work done these last few weeks.  I'm a terrible multi-tasker when it comes to work mode vs. creative mode so creative mode got shoved to the side.

However, I have tried to keep track over the last few weeks some of the random assholes I've come across just so I could sit down one day and share them with you.  They are in no order (I don't even think chronological) so here we go:

1.  Two Assholes Go to the Plaza Art Fair.  Friday night the Hubs and I were suddenly childless and we decided to take advantage of our time alone and go to a restaurant without a kid's menu.  We headed to the Plaza or the "city" as our kids call it.  It's basically a suburb with unaccredited schools.  As we got closer to the Plaza we noticed a lot of traffic. "Woohoo, look at us," I said. "We're so cool tonight.  Everyone is here!"  We got closer and the traffic got even heavier.  We started noticing signs at all the parking garages saying "FULL".  That's when we realized it was the Plaza Art Fair weekend.  It's a pretty popular event and we'd stumbled into it accidentally.  We started to get worried.  Would we have to go back to the normal suburbs with kid's menus?  The Hubs pulled down a side street looking for street parking and that's when we saw them.  The Two Assholes.  (I know, you were beginning to think the two assholes were me and the Hubs.  Wrong!)  Remember that SNL skit with the Two A-Holes Go (Fill in the Blank)?  These guys were the models for that skit.  A man and a women both wearing trendy jeans with bling (I don't like a man in Wranglers or blinged jeans - there must be a common ground somewhere in the middle??) and huge dark sunglasses (at dusk, of course).  She's got a glass of wine and he has a bottle of foreign beer.  They're sort of swaying like idiots and I realize they each have a Post-It note in their hands that they're showing us:  "Parking $20".  I don't know about where you live, but I live in Kansas City and parking is NEVER $20.  And at the Plaza, parking is free.  I have no idea where this primo spot is because they're standing on the curb surrounded by cars.  For their sake, I hope it's in a parking garage close by.  I can only imagine what it sounded like when those two douches hatched this genius money making scheme around 5 PM that night.

"Hey babe?" he asks.

"Yeah babe?" she replies, putting down her Us Weekly.

"You wanna make some money tonight?"

"Umm...I don't know.  How?  It better not involve the webcam."

"No, no.  Not this time.  No, we could totally move the Beemer out of the garage and park it on the street and then rent our spot in the garage for like $10."

"$10?  Are you crazy?  That spot is worth more than that.  I need more money than that if we're going to stand on the corner."

"True.  So, like, $15?"

"No.  Way.  At least $20.  We'll start at $20 and then when the free garages start filling up, we'll keep raising the price.  We'll probably get like $100."

"Sweet!  Let's go.  I'll make the signs.  Where are the Post-Its?"

"I'll get the drinks."

I have no idea if they rented their spot or not.  I can say that after another trip around the block, the Hubs had a hunch and he pulled into a garage that said "FULL" and he found a parking spot right across the street from the restaurant.  He has Jedi Parking Powers.  The Force is always strong with him when we need parking.

2.  More Assholes at the Plaza Art Fair.  After finding our fab parking spot we headed over to the restaurant.  We had picked this restaurant for one simple reason.  We had a gift card and we are cheap.  We don't particularly like this restaurant, but we didn't want to spend money anywhere else, so here we were.  We walked in and the hostess told us it would be a 45 minute wait for the Dining Room or we could eat in the "Lounge" (bar).  We knew we didn't have enough conversation to get us through 45 minutes of wait time AND dinner, so we opted for the Lounge.  She told us to find a table and seat ourselves.  The Lounge was pretty full, but there were some empty high top tables and low tables.  We decided on a low table.  We were wedged in between some other tables and we saw that if we just moved down two tables there were lots of open tables.  We thought it was a no brainer and moved there.  We did not notice that we'd gone from tables set with rolled silverware to tables with teepeed napkins and silverware displayed.  The chairs, tables, salt and pepper shakers, et al. were all the same.  Just the napkin/silverware layout was different.  After a few minutes of being ignored, finally a man in a white jacket approached us, "Uhhh...did the hostess seat you here or...."

"No, she told us to take an open table."

"Right.  But in the Lounge.  Not the Dining Room."

We looked around, one table over people were drinking and having a great time (with rolled silverware).

"Is this the Dining Room?"

"Yes.  You're in the Dining Room.  That is the Lounge."

"How would we know the difference?"

"Well, this column, of course separates the Lounge from the Dining Room."  He pointed to a random column between the Lounge table and the Dining Room table.  Of course.  It's so obvious.  That and the silverware display.

We moved back into the Lounge (after I licked the Dining Room silverware) and met our server (all in black, because that's how the Lounge rolls) and had our meal.

I would have been more than a little pissed to wait 45 minutes and be seated one column away from the raucous bar area.  45 minutes just so my napkin is the shape of a teepee?  Blow me.

Once we were in the Lounge area, I noticed the mating rituals going on at the bar.  I love people watching (duh) and making fun of them as much as I can (double duh).

I live in sweat pants (oops, I think we call them Yoga Pants now), jeans, cargo pants and leggings.  Style is not even in my vocabulary.  I dress like a mid 1990s Eddie Bauer plus sized model right down to the sensible shoes.  I can't even remember what I wore that night to dinner, but I'm sure it was nothing spectacular.  My style motto is Never Stand Out, Always Blend In To The Surroundings.  The girls at the bar that night had a different motto. Theirs was The Trendier, The Better.  Now I know why there are so many shows about how to look 10 pounds lighter in your clothes.  When you wear a one piece jumpsuit with short shorts that looks like it's made out of burlap and you belt it with an enormous belt and throw a 3/4 length sleeve blazer over that and pair it with high heeled booties you're going to look 20 pounds heavier than you are.  Or if you wear a calico sundress with Uggs and a fur vest, that's going to add 10 pounds.  What the hell?  Come on girls, you look like dumbasses.  You're pretty girls, stop making yourselves so ugly with your lemming-like approach to fashion.  My rule of thumb, If it looks fat on the hanger, it's going to look fat on you.

And the boy-men in more blinged out jeans and pointy shoes.  I think it's great that men have embraced their metrosexual side, but I'm just glad the Hubs also dresses like pg. 34 in the Eddie Bauer catalog.  We set the bar very low for each other.

3.  Dog Lovers at the Overland Park Fall Festival.  This sort of goes with my previous post, but it's a twist I had never seen so I had to share.  I had to work at the comfort station provided by Johnson County Mothers & More (Check us, moms!  Even if you don't live in JoCo, it's a national organization there could be a chapter in your city.)  It was a busy day and we, of course, focused on moms and their needs, but I couldn't help but notice the influx of older women with their post-menopause babies.  A few years ago when my sister in law and I were both pregnant with our first babies, my mother who had never had a dog, wanted a dog, hated dogs, etc. went out and adopted a dog.  She got a dog that is like a baby.  He loves to be held like a baby, swaddled in his blanket and cuddled.  It's silly.  I started calling him her post-menopause baby and let me tell you, she is not the only one.

At the Fall Festival I saw so many older women with dogs in strollers.  Yes, strollers.  I just did a little search on Amazon.  I had no idea.  Those suckers can cost up to $100!!!


One lady told me her dog was pooped from a 5K pup walk earlier in the day and that was why she was pushing him around.  Uh huh, that made total sense.

I've seen strollers before, just not as fancy as the ones I saw that day.  I did see something I've never seen before.  Check this out:

It's a Baby Bjorn for your dog.  I DO love the name "Outward Hound", but all in all it is ridiculous.

It's cheap, though.  Only 20 bucks.  I know what I'm getting my mother for Christmas!!!!!

Just Because Kids Are Physically Ready, It Doesn't Always Mean They're Ready

This week I dropped off Gomer for his first day of high school. I think he was in kindergarten when I started this blog, so I can't...