What to Get Your "Lovah" for Father's Day

Father's Day is fast upon us and if you're anything like me, you're thinking ... "Psht, I've got another week or so to find the Hubs something. Maybe a nice tie or some golf balls."

Meanwhile, the Hubs hasn't worn a tie in 15 years nor does he play golf. But it's the thought that counts, right?? I mean Father's Day isn't a big deal like Mother's Day. I don't need to have a whole day set aside for him where the kids and I make him breakfast in bed, complete with adorable home-made cards from the kids with coupons for "ONE FREE HUG," followed by doing whatever it is that he wants to do all day. Do I???

Oh shit, I think I do.

But if I let the Hubs decide what we do all day, he's going to choose something boring like the art museum. Nooo!!! I can't look at another weird modern art installation and wonder "Is that art or did someone accidentally spill something on that canvas?" I have got to get a plan in place before he forces us to pretend to like art all day.

So, I got to thinking. What would I want if Father's Day was Mother's Day? Maybe I could use my wants and desires to figure out the Hubs' wants and desires.

What the BROCK is going on?

"You don't know me, but you've been inside me, and that's why we're here today."

This was the opening line of the statement Brock Turner's victim gave after he'd received a 6 month sentence for sexually assaulting her.

"You don't know me, but you've been inside me ..."

I don't know about you, but those words made me feel a lot of emotions:

Horror
Sadness
Rage
Disgust
Anguish
Despair
Rage
Helplessness
Fear
More rage
and finally even more rage

Apparently Yellow is the Color of Money

Cha-ching!

I never enjoyed being pregnant. I never "glowed." I slept like crap and something was always aching, sore, or bulging. After Adolpha was born, I knew I was too damn old to ever do it again.

HOWEVER.

I've just learned of a new and highly profitable business venture. The catch is, to make any money in this new market you must be pregnant. The profit margins are so high, I'm thinking of coming out of baby-making retirement just so I can cash in on it before the bubble bursts.

What is this hot tip? You ask.

Used positive pregnancy tests. As in peed upon sticks.

Are You Perfectly Imperfect?

It's here! It's here! I'm so excited to share my newest anthology with you!!

There is so much pressure to be perfect, it’s NO WONDER we keep screwing it up. But instead of feeling bad about it, I laugh. I laugh because I know I’m not the only one who has become trapped in a dressing room while trying on Spanx, almost poisoned my family with a Pinterest recipe gone terribly wrong, or tried a new diet aid that resulted in me almost destroying the craft aisle in Walmart. 

Luckily I am not alone. I have managed to surround myself with people who suck at being perfect just as much as I do. Are we perfectly imperfect?????

Idiots on Message Boards

OK, so I get a lot of traffic from smart people on message boards.  People who post things like:  "Funniest blog evah - check it out biotches" or "This is hilarious - MUST read."

I see these message boards pop up in my stats and of course I have to trot over there and see who thinks I'm hysterical.  Mixed in with the lovers is the occasional bitchy individual who has to say something like, "Not very funny IMO." or "She's so whiny and she swears too much.  VERY conceited."

Tonight was a slow night and I started trolling through one of the message boards and all I can say is:  WTF?!  Talk about first world problems.  No, I take that back.  These posters have more than first world problems, these people are just idiots.  There were a few who literally could not wipe their asses without advice from the blogosphere.  Here is a small sample of thread topics I saw tonight and what I would like to respond with just to fuck with them:

The Hubs' Ego

Courtesy: The Hubs

One morning the Hubs and I were watching the news and there was a story about a family fishing and as they were reeling their fish into the boat, a shark came out of nowhere and bit the fish off the line.  They showed the video and the Hubs said, "Ha!  Forget the fish, I'd go after that shark!"

"What?" I said.

Let's Celebrate ALL Moms This Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day this weekend and I've been thinking about all of the mothers that I love to poke fun at. This is the one day of the year when I don't care how you raise your child, because for those 24 hours we are sisters in solidarity. So, I'm wishing every one out there a Happy Mother's Day and I hope you all get what you want.

If I were handing out gifts, these are the gifts that I would give: