Why Do Men Hit?

I've been working on this post in my head for quite a while now. I couldn't quite figure out what I wanted to say. It started out as a rant about powerful men who have secret love children. Then I moved on to asshole politicians like this guy who think it's perfectly fine to tell women what they can and can't do with their bodies. And then there was this dummy: Anthony Weiner, who thinks every woman who follows him on Twitter wants actual junk mail from him. These types of men don't actually physically abuse women, but still use them and then lie about their actions to anyone who will listen. 

All of these men abuse women in their own ways. They use women and degrade women and they marginalize women. These guys all suck, but they're not nearly as heinous as men like Chris Brown and now, Ray Rice. 

My Book is HERE!!!

It's here! It's here! It's here!

Last night the Hubs called our local Barnes & Noble to see if they had it yet. The lady on the other end of the phone said, "Yes sir, it's right here on our New Releases table. I can hold a copy for you."

YAHOOOOO!!

Yesterday people sent me screen shots of their emails from Amazon letting them know that their copy had shipped and would arrive sometime today.

I'd Like to Apologize in Advance for My Current and Future Behavior

Hiya! I'm not sure if you got the memo, so I'm going to go ahead and get you up to speed. On SEPTEMBER 9TH Random House published my new book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what the cover of the book looks like. You should be looking for this cover when you're looking for my book.

That's right, PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT: COMPETITIVE CRAFTERS, DROP OFF DESPOTS, AND OTHER SUBURBAN SCOURGES is here!

Yeah, can you believe it? I know, I know. It seems like I've been working on it FOREVER. Trust me. I get it. It's only taken a year to get this sucker done, but when you consider that it has been my dream to have Random House publish my book since I was about, oooooh five years old, then it seems like a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealllllly long time. But the good news is, it's finally here. That's right, folks, the time is nigh. (Nigh. That's my fancy I'm a published author vocabulary word for this post.)

I Don't Take Nudies. Do You?

OK, so a bunch of female celebrities took nude pictures of themselves and them uploaded them to the Cloud (whatever the hell that is) and then someone else (probably a dick-nosed teenager) hacked into the Cloud and released the pictures for the world to see and now the world is upset. Did I get that right?

I have some questions. 

I think so.

1. Why is it always the ladies getting the nudies leaked? Where are the guys uploading theirs to? Would it kill a hacker to release a nude pic of Hugh Jackman or Henry Cavill or my new boyfriend Benny Cumberbatch? (Yes, I see the trend here, I really enjoy nice abs paired with an accent.) I'm appealing to the female hackers out there - find me a good dick pic, would ya? The closest we've come are Hamm-bone's freeballing paparazzi photos and while they're nice to look at, they're not quite the same. 

Why I Hate Third Grade

The first day of school is when my OAM (OverAchieving Mommy) gene rears its ugly head. I always demand that the Hubs takes the kids' pictures before school and then we both drive them up to the school and take their picture in front of the building marquee that says FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL and in their classroom at their desk and usually with their teacher. I don't get out an adorable handmade sign saying what grade they're in and what their favorite color and/or ice cream flavor is - I have my limits. I just want a couple of simple pictures to document the day.

I do like my pictures to look nice though, so I always pick out "first day of school outfits" for my kids.

This should be posted on the door of every third grade classroom.

Mom Gets Her Kid Kicked Out of School for Facebook Rant

Has your kids' school ever done something that just irks you? I bet they have. We've all been there, right? Do you complain to your friends and family a bit when something bothers you about school. I'm guessing you have. Did you ever take to Facebook and write a rant about the school? Maybe a few of you have. BUT, when you wrote that rant, did you tag the school? Yeah. Probably not. Because you know that if you tag a person or a page they will SEE what you wrote. Duh.

Out of the mouth of babes

Someone should have sent home a memo in the backpack of Ashley Habat's four-year-old telling her that. Oh wait. That's what started this whole mess.

The Idiot Parents of a Nine Year Old with a Machine Gun

WTF, America?

Let me see if I can follow this logic. We make laws to protect our children. They must be in carseats and seat belts. We bubble wrap every pointy surface in our home while they're learning to walk. We gate the staircases and we latch the cupboards. We buy bike helmets, elbow pads, wrist guards, knee pads, mouth guards, shin guards, life vests, floaties, and more. We can't leave them home alone or at the park or in the car for any period of time without being accused of abuse. We can't swear in front of them without someone calling the cops. We don't allow them to drive cars or vote until they're teenagers. We don't let alcohol touch their lips until they're young adults.

BUT we see nothing wrong with putting an UZI in the hands of a nine-year-old kid?????

Who thought this was a good idea? Someone did apparently.