A Bunch of Punches

1.  The lady on 69 highway who tried to run us off the road today when we were merging onto the highway.  Hello, there is a construction barricade in front of us, where would you like us to go?  PS - thanks for the bird, I really enjoyed educating my 4 year old as to what THAT meant.  "I think she just got her nails done and she thinks that's the prettiest one and she wants us to see!"

2.  The motorcyclist I saw later on 69 highway popping a wheelie in front of me.  Please don't do that again.  I really don't care if you kill yourself, but when you wipe out, I'd rather not be the one to drive over your lifeless body like a speed bump at 70 mph.  I don't have cat-like reflexes so I'd definitely hit you and then I'd have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life.  Douche.

3.  Parents who buy their teenage sons F150 trucks with oversized tires that can drive over ME like a speedbump and then those same parents who buy their teenage daughters little Japanese shit boxes (always with thumping bass).  Both of these drivers are going to end in tragedy.  The boys will run up my back end at a red light someday and crush my family and I'll T-bone the girls someday when they run a red light and I'll kill them.  Why do these people put their kids in tanks and shit boxes?  A nice Camry should do the trick.  I think that's what I'll get my kids to drive when their time comes.  They can't drive over anyone or roll it going around a corner too fast, it can take a hit, it gets good gas mileage, has crappy bass and no one will ever want to catch a ride with them in their Dweebmobile so I won't have to worry about too many kids distracting my easily distractable kids.

4.  Parents who feel the need to put Baby on Board signs in their car windows.  What does this accomplish really?  You paid $4.99 to let the world know you are a parent of a small child.  Hooray for you.  That's such a rarity.  NO ONE has ever had a baby in a car before.  How do you do it?  Tell us your secret!  P.S. - I think the Swaggerwagon gave us our first clue you had a baby on board, but still, the sign was helpful too.  Really!


The company who makes these ridiculous signs assures us that when you have this sign prominently displayed in your window other drivers will use caution around you.  Bullshit.  Other drivers will laugh at you.  They will say, "Look at that idiot.  He paid 5 bucks for that stupid sign.  Quick, honey speed up and get right on his bumper.  That will scare the hell out of him."

No one drives around thinking, "Hmm, where are the people with older children?  When I lose control on this icy patch of highway I want to be sure to swerve into them, not that car that has a baby on board."

I would also argue that these signs are not safe when it comes to kidnappers/pedophiles/etc.  A few months ago I took a tour of the fire station and I asked the Chief why they don't have those little stickers we had when we were kids.  The ones your parents put in your windows so the firemen knew there was a kid in that room that needed to be rescued.  Remember those?  He told me that they stopped doing that because it was literally a beacon for sickos who wanted kids.  I would argue the Baby on Board sign is the same kind of thing.  You're advertising you have a valuable commodity.  Between the Swaggerwagon and the Baby on Board sign, I sure hope these moms are packing heat.

5.  The idiot who left this sign in the middle of the dark street last night:

This picture really doesn't do this thing justice.  It's about 3 feet tall and it has a bit of a glow at night.  I came around a corner in a residential neighborhood on a main street and this thing was in the MIDDLE of the road at 11:30 PM last night!  WTF!!  I about had a heart attack and then when I realized what it was, I was pissed.  This is the main street of the neighborhood and you put this thing in the middle of the road?  It's a road, you moron, not a playground.  You have a drive way, a sidewalk and a yard for your kid to play in and you put your POS plastic doll in the road urging me to go slow?  Screw you.  I really thought hard last night about driving over that thing.  I was afraid it would scratch my car though.  So I drove around it.  This morning, after thinking of so many things I COULD have done to it last night I've decided that the next time I will decapitate it or string it up from a tree.  The owner has been warned.  

6.  Madonna.  She has always been arrogant and obnoxious, but I let her get away with it in 80s and 90s when I loved her music and her style.  Now Lady GaGa is the new Madonna and the old one feels the need to trot her wrinkled, yet freakishly toned arms out for the world to see again lest we forget who she is.

Now Madonna's just a bitter old woman gallivanting around with her 23 year old boy toy, dissing fans (Who the hell would know you "absolutely loathe hydrangeas" you condescending bitch??) while faking a British accent.

Come on, Madonna, can't you just go quietly into the night?  Just take your boy toy (you've seen the pics, is anyone else's gaydar going nuts?  I'm pretty sure he's gay.) and retire to your castle and raise flowers (not hydrangeas, of course) and adopt/steal more kids from Africa while you study the Kaballah.

You're 53 years old now, Madonna, it was fun while it lasted, but no one wants to see you in a bullet bra again and the whole nun/cross thing is overdone at this point and it's not controversial.  GaGa is wearing raw meat for God's sake and has a male alter ego!  Why would you even want to compete with that?  If you want to be more controversial you'll have to wear a dress of aborted fetuses and stick your tongue down the throat of GaGa's male alter ego at the MTV Awards Show.  Are you prepared to do that?   Probably.


Mrs.Wonder said...

my sides hurt from laughing so hard! I seen one of those glow in the dark child signs at a pool and wanted to buy one for my back lane...I think they're genius...but who knows where it will show up?

Mrs.Wonder said...

just checked out Madonnas boyfriend photo's...my gaydar also is ringing away...and gross...that's some pretty thick pube's

Sk said...

Love the explanation of the middle finger! Especially from the idiot driving in the right lane when she can plainly see that people are coming and will need to merge into that lane.

Krissa said...

I laughed so hard at the "POS plastic doll in the road" story that I needed to use my asthma inhaler... You completely crack me up with your mini punches. Your blog is genius.

Leslie said...

I would love to steal one of those glow in the dark signs and take it around town, take pics of it everywhere (like people do with gnomes), only my pics would show it being held hostage, being run over, in the back of an old garage, being buried in a grave, and then send them to the person who put it out.

angie said...

Whatever happened to playing in the backyard?

Amanda said...

I agree 100% on Madonna. The again, I'd like for her and Gaga to go away..so tired of musicians wanting shock value.

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