Catch Up

So, for the 5 of you who follow me faithfully, I would like to apologize for my absence.  Apparently, my mortgage company and credit card companies like to be paid with cash and not with blog posts so I had to actually get some work done these last few weeks.  I'm a terrible multi-tasker when it comes to work mode vs. creative mode so creative mode got shoved to the side.

However, I have tried to keep track over the last few weeks some of the random assholes I've come across just so I could sit down one day and share them with you.  They are in no order (I don't even think chronological) so here we go:

1.  Two Assholes Go to the Plaza Art Fair.  Friday night the Hubs and I were suddenly childless and we decided to take advantage of our time alone and go to a restaurant without a kid's menu.  We headed to the Plaza or the "city" as our kids call it.  It's basically a suburb with unaccredited schools.  As we got closer to the Plaza we noticed a lot of traffic. "Woohoo, look at us," I said. "We're so cool tonight.  Everyone is here!"  We got closer and the traffic got even heavier.  We started noticing signs at all the parking garages saying "FULL".  That's when we realized it was the Plaza Art Fair weekend.  It's a pretty popular event and we'd stumbled into it accidentally.  We started to get worried.  Would we have to go back to the normal suburbs with kid's menus?  The Hubs pulled down a side street looking for street parking and that's when we saw them.  The Two Assholes.  (I know, you were beginning to think the two assholes were me and the Hubs.  Wrong!)  Remember that SNL skit with the Two A-Holes Go (Fill in the Blank)?  These guys were the models for that skit.  A man and a women both wearing trendy jeans with bling (I don't like a man in Wranglers or blinged jeans - there must be a common ground somewhere in the middle??) and huge dark sunglasses (at dusk, of course).  She's got a glass of wine and he has a bottle of foreign beer.  They're sort of swaying like idiots and I realize they each have a Post-It note in their hands that they're showing us:  "Parking $20".  I don't know about where you live, but I live in Kansas City and parking is NEVER $20.  And at the Plaza, parking is free.  I have no idea where this primo spot is because they're standing on the curb surrounded by cars.  For their sake, I hope it's in a parking garage close by.  I can only imagine what it sounded like when those two douches hatched this genius money making scheme around 5 PM that night.

"Hey babe?" he asks.

"Yeah babe?" she replies, putting down her Us Weekly.

"You wanna make some money tonight?"

"Umm...I don't know.  How?  It better not involve the webcam."

"No, no.  Not this time.  No, we could totally move the Beemer out of the garage and park it on the street and then rent our spot in the garage for like $10."

"$10?  Are you crazy?  That spot is worth more than that.  I need more money than that if we're going to stand on the corner."

"True.  So, like, $15?"

"No.  Way.  At least $20.  We'll start at $20 and then when the free garages start filling up, we'll keep raising the price.  We'll probably get like $100."

"Sweet!  Let's go.  I'll make the signs.  Where are the Post-Its?"

"I'll get the drinks."

I have no idea if they rented their spot or not.  I can say that after another trip around the block, the Hubs had a hunch and he pulled into a garage that said "FULL" and he found a parking spot right across the street from the restaurant.  He has Jedi Parking Powers.  The Force is always strong with him when we need parking.

2.  More Assholes at the Plaza Art Fair.  After finding our fab parking spot we headed over to the restaurant.  We had picked this restaurant for one simple reason.  We had a gift card and we are cheap.  We don't particularly like this restaurant, but we didn't want to spend money anywhere else, so here we were.  We walked in and the hostess told us it would be a 45 minute wait for the Dining Room or we could eat in the "Lounge" (bar).  We knew we didn't have enough conversation to get us through 45 minutes of wait time AND dinner, so we opted for the Lounge.  She told us to find a table and seat ourselves.  The Lounge was pretty full, but there were some empty high top tables and low tables.  We decided on a low table.  We were wedged in between some other tables and we saw that if we just moved down two tables there were lots of open tables.  We thought it was a no brainer and moved there.  We did not notice that we'd gone from tables set with rolled silverware to tables with teepeed napkins and silverware displayed.  The chairs, tables, salt and pepper shakers, et al. were all the same.  Just the napkin/silverware layout was different.  After a few minutes of being ignored, finally a man in a white jacket approached us, "Uhhh...did the hostess seat you here or...."

"No, she told us to take an open table."

"Right.  But in the Lounge.  Not the Dining Room."

We looked around, one table over people were drinking and having a great time (with rolled silverware).

"Is this the Dining Room?"

"Yes.  You're in the Dining Room.  That is the Lounge."

"How would we know the difference?"

"Well, this column, of course separates the Lounge from the Dining Room."  He pointed to a random column between the Lounge table and the Dining Room table.  Of course.  It's so obvious.  That and the silverware display.

We moved back into the Lounge (after I licked the Dining Room silverware) and met our server (all in black, because that's how the Lounge rolls) and had our meal.

I would have been more than a little pissed to wait 45 minutes and be seated one column away from the raucous bar area.  45 minutes just so my napkin is the shape of a teepee?  Blow me.

Once we were in the Lounge area, I noticed the mating rituals going on at the bar.  I love people watching (duh) and making fun of them as much as I can (double duh).

I live in sweat pants (oops, I think we call them Yoga Pants now), jeans, cargo pants and leggings.  Style is not even in my vocabulary.  I dress like a mid 1990s Eddie Bauer plus sized model right down to the sensible shoes.  I can't even remember what I wore that night to dinner, but I'm sure it was nothing spectacular.  My style motto is Never Stand Out, Always Blend In To The Surroundings.  The girls at the bar that night had a different motto. Theirs was The Trendier, The Better.  Now I know why there are so many shows about how to look 10 pounds lighter in your clothes.  When you wear a one piece jumpsuit with short shorts that looks like it's made out of burlap and you belt it with an enormous belt and throw a 3/4 length sleeve blazer over that and pair it with high heeled booties you're going to look 20 pounds heavier than you are.  Or if you wear a calico sundress with Uggs and a fur vest, that's going to add 10 pounds.  What the hell?  Come on girls, you look like dumbasses.  You're pretty girls, stop making yourselves so ugly with your lemming-like approach to fashion.  My rule of thumb, If it looks fat on the hanger, it's going to look fat on you.

And the boy-men in more blinged out jeans and pointy shoes.  I think it's great that men have embraced their metrosexual side, but I'm just glad the Hubs also dresses like pg. 34 in the Eddie Bauer catalog.  We set the bar very low for each other.

3.  Dog Lovers at the Overland Park Fall Festival.  This sort of goes with my previous post, but it's a twist I had never seen so I had to share.  I had to work at the comfort station provided by Johnson County Mothers & More (Check us, moms!  Even if you don't live in JoCo, it's a national organization there could be a chapter in your city.)  It was a busy day and we, of course, focused on moms and their needs, but I couldn't help but notice the influx of older women with their post-menopause babies.  A few years ago when my sister in law and I were both pregnant with our first babies, my mother who had never had a dog, wanted a dog, hated dogs, etc. went out and adopted a dog.  She got a dog that is like a baby.  He loves to be held like a baby, swaddled in his blanket and cuddled.  It's silly.  I started calling him her post-menopause baby and let me tell you, she is not the only one.

At the Fall Festival I saw so many older women with dogs in strollers.  Yes, strollers.  I just did a little search on Amazon.  I had no idea.  Those suckers can cost up to $100!!!

One lady told me her dog was pooped from a 5K pup walk earlier in the day and that was why she was pushing him around.  Uh huh, that made total sense.

I've seen strollers before, just not as fancy as the ones I saw that day.  I did see something I've never seen before.  Check this out:

It's a Baby Bjorn for your dog.  I DO love the name "Outward Hound", but all in all it is ridiculous.

It's cheap, though.  Only 20 bucks.  I know what I'm getting my mother for Christmas!!!!!


Bloggah said...

I was at a park one day & saw 2 women and a little girl. They had a dog in a stroller & were treating the dog like a baby. I thought at first that the adults were playing along for the little girl's amusement until I noticed that the little girl was disinterested in the dog & went to the playground -- but the women kept it up! The dog was dressed in clothes and the women took turns cooing at the dog while they ignored the human kid!

Kate said...

I also hate when men-boys wear skinny jeans and then sag. Nasty!

Stacy @ Cardigans and Crayons said...

I dress like a mid 1990s Eddie Bauer plus sized model right down to the sensible shoes.

Best line ever. And describes me perfectly!!! :)

Love it!

Tree Hugging Attorney said...

I have a thing against strollers in general.

Well, strollers in public places.

Particularly airports.

Why do people bring GIANT effing strollers to airports? Check that s*** and buy a simple $10 model to get to/from baggage. Break it when you're done with it. I don't care. But your giant trail-ready stroller really makes me want to punch you in the throat when you nip me in the heels or take up the entire moving walkway. Your stroller already effing rolls for god sake. Lean on it and push yourself through the airport. Or buy a cheapie - and I will gladly let you ahead of me.

(Note: If there are multiple kids and one parent, I give a pass. I mean, I'm not a total a-hole)

Unknown said...

I was buying food the other day at the grocery store...ok I lied, I was at Walmart. So many ladies with their disgusting little designer "dogs". I was in an electric cart because I have a broken ankle and it was very difficult trying to get around the people with there gross little dogs running around and endless puddles of urine and piles of poop next to the food. Your dog WILL BE OK if you leave it at home people! It's not a baby, and it does NOT belong in a grocery store, even if that store is trashy Walmart.

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