Well, I have been such a slacker this summer with my posts and I really don't have much of an excuse.  I've been crazy busy with my real job (yay money!) and my other job (yay pool days, free bowling and cheap summer movies with the kids!).  Summer is finally drawing to a close and the busy time for both my jobs will be over soon so I should be able to write a lot more.  In the meantime, I didn't want you to think that I didn't miss you and I especially didn't want you to think that nothing has pissed me off lately.  I'll give you a few nuggets that I've been too busy to post about lately:

1.  The Teenage Girl I Saw at Wendy's.  I am the mother of young children and I am easily irritated by the wimpy parents and their demon offspring I run into with my kids.  However, now and then I glimpse the future and let me tell you, it ain't bright.

We live near a large complex of soccer and baseball fields and in the summer time this area is hopping.  The restaurants around the fields are very busy with in town and out of town people from these fields, so it's good people watching territory.  I was standing in line at Wendy's one day and I noticed the family unit in front of me:  a dad and two teenagers.  At first I thought the boy and girl were brother and sister until the d-bag boy with a faux hawk and faux diamond studs in both ears stuck his tongue down her throat whilst grabbing a handful of ass.  (I am 39 years old and I still don't kiss my husband in front of my parents, I can't imagine tongueing anyone down with an ass grab at 16.)  The dad made sort of an exasperated sigh and they separated with the girl glaring at him.  "Dad, you're such a prude," she said.  He whined (LITERALLY whined), "I am not."  I was hooked.  I had to see where this was going, so, of course, I moved closer to better eavesdrop.

Apparently, the girl had just finished losing a soccer game that was sooooo not her fault.  Her team mates sucked ("fat bitches didn't run fast enough"), the refs sucked ("Who the fuck makes calls like that?  I don't even know WHY he gave me a red card!") - Dad "tsked, tsked" her for her language on that one, her dad sucked ("You were yelling so much I couldn't even concentrate.  It was soooo annoying.") and so on and so on.  By now they had their food and were ready to sit down.  I couldn't follow them anymore because my kids had sat elsewhere and really, my 4 year old has enough attitude, I didn't need her to see this.

All I could think was, Holy crap, I need to start beating my kids right now before they turn out like this little shit and her punky boyfriend.  I hid my kid's Happy Meal toys and made them cry.  I told them they'd have to "earn them back" with good behavior.  As the Hubs says, "Gotta break their spirits down now so they aren't assholes down the road."

2.  The Lady at Gymboree.  The kids are starting back to school in less than two weeks so we did some clothes shopping this week.  I stopped in Gymbo to see what they had.  I actually didn't find anything I liked, Gymbo - I need more puppies!!

My kids are half Caucasian and half Asian and sometimes if people don't see us enter a store together they don't realize that we're together.  That happened at Gymbo.  My kids made a beeline for the TV in the back of the store while I browsed the new panda and kitty cat lines (why are puppies only for boy clothes??) and that's when I overheard this woman talking to the Gymbo employee.

"Did you see those kids that just went by?" she asked.
"No...I didn't," replied Gymbo employee.
"Ohh, well, they look very different.  I wonder what they are?"
"Umm...." visibly uncomfortable with where this conversation is going.  "I'm not sure.  Sometimes you can ask people and they don't mind telling you."
"Yes, well, I might.  I can't tell who their mother is, though."
Now this woman turns to her daughter, "Did you see them?"
"No, mom, I didn't."
"They're right over there.  They're so exotic looking.  What do you think they are?"  Orangutans.
By now my kids are looking around.  The store is not crowded and they're trying to see who this woman is talking about.  They want to see these exotic kids.
"There!  Right there!  Did you see the little girl?  She just looked over here!  Did you see her?  She looks like an Asian J-Lo."  WTF??
"Yes, I saw her.  I'm not sure what she is," replied the daughter.
The employee tried, "You could just ask them instead of talking about them..."  Thanks for trying, lady.

I get this all...the...time.

Asian people stop me and ask me where I "found" my kids.  The cabbage patch.  A waitress asked me a few months ago how long ago I went to China to get my kids, they really seemed to have "adapted" to America.  My favorites, though, were the Target store clerk when my son was a baby and the Sonic lady when my daughter was a baby.  The Target guy was Asian himself and asked me, "Why your baby's eyes go like dis?" and proceeded to pull up the corners of his eyes.  "Your eyes no go like dis.  Why do his?"  I let him ask me 5 times before I finally said, "Do your job and please stop asking me stupid questions.  Why do YOUR eyes go like that?  His do it for the same reason.  I have the red card, make sure I get my 5% off, jackhole."  The Sonic girl saw my daughter in her stroller one day at the mall and said, "Hey!  What's your baby mixed with?"  My friend who was with me gasped and I replied, "Love."  The Sonic girl said, "Cool," and gave me my slushy.

I know my children are striking and beautiful and I know people just don't know the appropriate way to ask me about their ethnicity.  I also know that 9 times out 10 people think they're beautiful and really are just trying to pay them a compliment, but there's got to be a better way to do it.  And BTW, Gymbo lady, my kid does NOT look like an Asian J-Lo.  She is 4 years old with pigtails.  How could you ever think she reminded you of J-Lo???  Kai-lan, yes.  J-Lo, no way.

3.  Teenage Boys in Pick Up Trucks.  With it being summer break, I am being constantly irritated by teenagers.  There is something about my city where people love to buy their teenage sons HUGE pick up trucks that they drive 80 mph through residential streets.  I know what the parents are thinking, We've got precious cargo and we don't want our sons killed when they have an accident so I'll buy them a truck that will help protect them.  Meanwhile, what about me in my little Toyota going head to head with your son in his truck?  It ain't gonna be pretty for me and my family.

I'm all for keeping your kids safe.  When my son was a baby I yelled at teenage boys one day at Sonic.  They drove in with 5 boys hanging out of an open Jeep Wrangler.  No seat belts, not even enough seats for everyone to fit.  The driver took the curve on two wheels and drove over the curb.  The boys bouncing around laughing like it was a big joke.  I had a 6 month old baby boy in the backseat at the time and I started lecturing my kid, "If I EVER see or hear about you driving so recklessly, I swear you will be grounded forever!"  Then I thought twice and decided not to lecture MY kid, rather I should lecture THOSE kids.  I pulled up and rolled down my window and scared the hell out of those boys.  "Do your mothers know you're out driving so recklessly? Do your mothers know you don't have seat belts on and some of you don't even have a seat to sit in?  Do you have any idea how upset your mothers would be if anything ever happened to you?  You need to slow down, pay attention and get some of the kids out of the car!  And I mean it, boys!"  They looked at me like I was crazy.  I don't know why.  I'm just a stranger who probably hadn't showered that day with a touch of baby blues and an overprotective personality yelling at them about how much their mothers love them.  What gives?

In those days I was trying to be helpful and shame them into obeying the traffic laws.  Now I'm just an angry, over worked mother (still rarely bathed - I pumped gas this morning in my pjs) and I want to yell, "I hope you wrap yourself and your shiny truck around a telephone pole, you asshat!  Go ahead and kill yourself, but slow it down before you kill MY kids."

I feel the same way about teenagers on motorcycles.  Who in their right mind thought THAT was a good idea?!
"I want a motorcycle!"
"Jayden, you're only a senior."
"I don't care.  You don't love me.  I want a motorcycle!"
"But honey, you could get really hurt."
"Screw you!  You hate me!"
"Sweetie, we don't hate you, we love you."
"You suck."
"Hey, that hurts mom's feelings when you speak like that.  If you apologize I'll buy you a motorcycle."
"Fine.  Sorry, but you do kind of suck."
"Fair enough.  Let's go get you a motorcycle.  But you need to wear a helmet."
"Helmets are for pussies."

4.  My Neighbors.  We've never been the friendly neighbor type.  (I know, shocking, right?)  This summer is no different.  We've always gotten along with the neighbors, no fights or anything, but we're just not friends.  Their kids got on \ my shit list when my son was a baby.  One night when my son was about 6 months old the neighbor kids and their bazillion cousins (it's sometime like a family of 12 kids and their offspring) who come over every week, rang our doorbell at 10:30 at night and ran away.  Lucky for them my kid didn't wake up, but I was getting pissed.  They did this about 3 times before I finally decided to take matters into my own hands.  I called the house and got the voicemail and left a message telling the parents that their kids were ringing the bell and running.  The kids did it again.  Now I got off my fat ass and walked over to the party going on next door.  I found the dad and told him what was happening.  I explained to him that it was now 11 o'clock and my baby was sleeping and I couldn't have his hooligans ringing the bell.  His response?  "Hey you kids, knock it off," and then he turned and went back to his party.  The next day I expected at least a phone a call of apology and at most the kids to come and ring my bell at a decent hour and apologize.  I got nothing.  After that they were pretty much dead to me - and I could tell the feeling was mutual.

Cut to 5 and a half years later and the kids don't ring the bell anymore, but they love to play in my backyard late at night.  I am a sleep Nazi and I put my kids to bed at the unGodly hour of 7 PM.  I realize that's a bit harsh, but let me tell you, my kids are rarely sick, they grow like weeds, they (USUALLY)  have pleasant dispositions and I get my evenings to myself.  Win-win.  Last night at 9:30 I heard a ruckus in the backyard and it was the damn neighbor kids and their cousins again.  At first I let it go, thinking, It's summer.  Normal kids get to stay up late and play.  Let it go.  But then!  MY kids came downstairs wondering what was going on outside on THEIR playset.  Son of a bitch!  I had to go and kick the kids out and tell them to stay out of my yard.  If I had a couple of cats I'd be the weird old lady whose house you skip on Halloween because I'm a "real" witch.

I go back and forth on this one.  I realize it's not a huge offense to play in my yard at night, but on the other hand, it's very disruptive to our bedtime routine and keeps my kids up (they didn't go to sleep until almost 10 PM last night because they were so worried about what they were missing out back).  I know that calling the parents will result in no action, so all I can do is continually police my yard and kick them out.  It sucks that the parents have put me in this position.  I would NEVER let my kids run around in someone else's yard late at night like that.  I just kept thinking how inappropriate it was.  Our master bedroom is on the first floor and it faces the backyard.  As I said before, my kids are in bed at 7 PM, by 9:30 the Hubs and I could be enjoying our "time together".  Those kids would get an eyeful and then you know I'D hear from their lawyer about what perverts we are!


Kate said...

I despise my neighbors {} Your neighbor kids sound so bratty.

Viking Jones said...

I would call the cops on the kids. That's trespassing, and they're already little shits. Let them find out early on how they're going to spend most of the rest of their lives... :)

Anonymous said...

Good fences make good neighbors.

Anonymous said...

When one of them gets injured on the equipment, you'll get a call or notice that you're being sued. Sadly, that's how it goes these days.

Dolly said...

I can't believe how annoying people can be when it comes to your "exotic" looking children. I'm an American but, I'm also hispanic and hispanic looking. It makes me want to hurt someone when I get asked "what generation" I am. I also get told that I speak English so well. No kidding. People are so narrow minded sometimes.

Jen Piwtpitt said...

It happened again the other day. I had a woman stop me and ask me "Ma'am, what ARE your kids?" I was with a friend and it always makes my friends uncomfortable, so I decided to milk it. "A boy and a girl." I replied. The woman wouldn't quit. "No, but like what's their make up? They look like China dolls." I said, "No, they just look like half China dolls. The other half is me." Silly woman.

LuLu said...

Re: #2.
I have an aunt that adopted two girls. They are only four months apart in age. One is white as snow. The other is mixed, caucasian and hispanic and is quite dark. I'd like a PITT to all the people who just HAVE to ask, "Are they twins?"

Danielle Smith said...

I had a neighbor who smoked and all year round he would be right outside hocking up his lungs at 5am. I hope he had lung cancer.
We used to live in a town home and the neighbors we shared walls with would always be thumping around at all hours of the night and day, just really loud and annoying. My husband took the liberty of thumping on the wall like a freak. Then the neighbor came over to complain to US about OUR thumping! My husband answered the door shirtless(not a hot bod, but I love it anyway) and pissed. My husband laid into him and all the guy could say was, "I got two kids! I got two kids!" They ended up getting evicted within 3 months. I sang as I watched them as they packed up their moving truck. That was a joyous day. *sniff sniff*

Anonymous said...

Personally, I'd call the cops and have the neighbor kids arrested for trespassing. You can bet THAT would be the last time you saw those little shits on your property. The way those of us who have any clue about anything resembling civility were raised, you ask permission from someone before even going in their yard. I would not have been allowed out to play at night in the first place as a kid, but if went over and started playing in the neighbor's yard at 9:30 at night, the neighbors would have been the least of my worries. Parents today are, for the most part, useless wimps who should have been sterilized before they bred.

Anonymous said...

Good fences do make good neighbors. Electric fences make better ones. ;-)

The NotsoSuperMom said...

Jen, (sorry to be so familiar, but I am Bizarro You)
I caught this post (as suggested reading under your Father's Day post) and it really got to me. For one thing (I really hate to keep harping on this, but I keep finding similarities....) I am a bedtime Nazi myself. My kids always have gone to bed without fanfare since they were toddlers (except we are 8pm) and that is MY time. I really lose my shit when they get out of bed for dumb reasons (they "forgot" a cup of water, or "forgot" to tell me about something from school, etc.)
Anyway, I mostly enjoyed this post because it gives me some weird sense of hope. Because it is "pre-Elf on a Shelf" I guess I expect it to be different. Of course it's not. You are a terrific writer and obviously always have been.
So I read this and think--at some point, you were like I am now, plugging away at your blog with not so many readers as you have now (even at this point probably WAY more then me, but then you write more frequently too). So someday I may have a trusted readership outside of my sisters and some close friends (actually, I'm not entirely sure that my sisters read my blog....) and I will feel somewhat accomplished as a writer/blogger.
As for you, write on! Keep doing what your doing, woman. It is appreciated (especially after reading your Father's Day post: It is nice to know that you read all of our comments--makes us feel appreciated as readers.)

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