12 Days of Giveaways! DAY TWELVE!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Twelve!

12 Days of Giveaways! DAY ELEVEN!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Eleven!

Every day for the next 1 day, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.

12 Days of Giveaways! DAY TEN!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Ten!

Every day for the next 2 days, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.

12 Days of Giveaways - DAY NINE!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Nine!

Every day for the next 3 days, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.

12 Days of Giveaways! DAY EIGHT!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Eight!

Every day for the next 4 days, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.


DAY EIGHT: TAKE A PICTURE, IT WILL LAST LONGER

Signed copy of Just a Few People I Want to Punch in the Throat (Volumes 1-6).

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. See for yourself with a Polaroid One-Step 2 Instant Film Camera.

When you run out of film, you can fit all those words in this journal.

Temporary tattoos will make you a temporary badass.

It can be hard to stay positive, but this button with help you.


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Enter to win TODAY's prize and then go back and enter the ones you missed!

That's right! There's still a chance to enter all the ones you missed!! Giveaway closes on December 31st.

DAY ONE - Cubicle Sweet Cubicle

DAY TWO - Don't Make Me Add You to My List

DAY THREE - Coolest Mom Ever

DAY FOUR - Move the Elf!

DAY FIVE - If You Can Read This, Thank a Teacher

DAY SIX - So You Want to Be a Writer?

DAY SEVEN - Smells Like Teen Angst

DAY EIGHT - Take a Picture, It Will Last Longer

DAY NINE - The Future is Female

DAY TEN - Midlife Momma Drama

DAY ELEVEN - Nice Stack!

DAY TWELVE - Take Me With You!


12 Days of Giveaways! DAY SEVEN!



Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Seven!

Every day for the next 5 days, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.

12 Days of Christmas Giveaways! DAY SIX!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Six!

Every day for the next 6 days, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.

12 Days of Christmas Giveaways! DAY FIVE!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Five!

Every day for the next 7 days, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.


12 Days of Christmas Giveaways! DAY FOUR!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Four!

Every day for the next 8 days, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.

12 Days of Christmas Giveaways! DAY THREE!



Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!


As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Three!

Every day for the next 9 days, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.


12 Days of Christmas Giveaways! DAY TWO!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Two!

Every day for the next 10 days, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.

12 Days of Christmas Giveaways! DAY ONE!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS that start TODAY!

Every day for the next 11 days, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.

My 2019 Christmas Letter is Here!



Dear Family, Friends, Strangers on the Internet, Weirdos Who Send Dick Pics, and Hate-Readers,

Happy Holidays! Can you believe that the decade is coming to a close? I don't know about you, but I still write 1990 on my checks. Yeah, I still write checks, that's probably why I think it's 1990.

This has been quite a year for me and my family! Where do I start?

The kids are aging faster than ever.

Gomer is a freshman in high school this year. He mostly communicates through grunts, text messages, and inappropriate-but-hilarious memes. I am worried about his hearing since he always has Airpods jammed in his ears or he's screaming at his friends, "I need back up, bro!" into a gaming headset. He thinks it's cool that he's taller than me now but that's not a huge accomplishment, actually. His sister is taller than me too. In fact, most people I know are taller than me. He's a bit of a sass-master and a complete slob these days, but I have to remind myself that in the whole scheme of things, he's still a good kid. His grades are decent, he hangs out with me when I beg him (or buy him dinner), and I don't think he's getting into too much trouble. I mean, I haven't found a vape or an empty bottle of booze under his bed yet. Also, I know his friends read this blog now and report back everything I say, so shout out to Gomer's friends! Please tell him his mommy loves him.

Adolpha is a seventh-grader. She's our entrepreneurial one. I think she only goes to school so she can sell stuff to her classmates. That girl always has a plan to make money. Her schemes must work, because she's always got cash. She's also a party-planner. God help me. I suspected the overachieving gene skipped a generation but this year it was officially confirmed. It seems like every week Adolpha is asking to plan a party, bake for a party, and/or decorate for a party. And, did I mention, she wants all these parties at MY house? Ugh. She's in the midst of planning her first-ever Christmas party and I would appreciate thoughts and prayers at this time. She mostly communicates through elaborate stories where she's sooooo mad about something (Yeah, she got my bitching gene as well as my mother's overachieving gene, and yes, it's a lot.), TikToks involving dogs behaving like humans, cookie recipes, and PowerPoint presentations. For instance, this week it was an 8-slide presentation entitled: "Why We Should Decorate More for Christmas."

The Hubs is ending Year Three of his Ten Year Start-Up Plan. It has been an enormous amount of work for him but he is dedicated to making big things happen. One of the things I really love and admire about him is his work ethic and his passion. I have to remember that when I get frustrated because I don't think I see results. I also have to take a step back and really look at the big picture to appreciate what he's done. He has customers and revenue now. This year he was invited to speak at a big-deal conference, he's heading out next year to another big-deal conference. Plus, he's reading voraciously. I think he read more books than me this year! It's good to see him reading, because for a while there I was convinced he could only read headlines. He's still selling real estate and helps me in his free time. Basically, he never sleeps.

What did I do this year? Well, let's see, I published How I F*cking Did It! where I tell you all my secrets to success and Will Work for Apples because teachers are rock stars. Every time I tell people the title of my blog, they're like, "I have a list!" so I made journals for everyone to keep their own lists in. I had a midlife crisis that inspired me to write a book called Midlife Bites. I had to find an agent who then sold it to Random House and now I'm writing my ass off and trying to be vulnerable, helpful, inspiring, and funny all at the same time. It's exhausting and I'm going grayer every day from the pressure. I'm not sure when it will be out, probably sometime in 2020. I started a podcast with Denise Grover Swank. It's called Two Midlife Mommas and I've received at least two emails from listeners telling me it's a really great podcast for commuters (that's high praise in the podcast world). I went to New York City and recorded the audiobook for People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges. I think my favorite part was the hotel room and bed all to myself.

Hmm, I think that's it. Oh wait, I'm still planning my biggest giveaway ever. Starting tomorrow, I'm sponsoring 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS right here on this blog. I have some good stuff (and some really, really okay stuff) to give away. You should enter to win. If nothing else, you can always regift it.

Speaking of regifting. I don't want to blow it by getting all cocky, but I think this might be my easiest Christmas yet. In the past, I've been that mom who lost important gifts and had to go out and buy new Santa gifts. I've been that mom who blows the budget because she keeps seeing one more toy someone would like. I've been that mom up all night on Christmas Eve building a motherclucking dollhouse or wrapping a bazillion gifts. This year my kids want big-ticket items, so I think they'll have 2 or 3 gifts under the tree and that's it. I've ordered everything to be shipped to the house and as soon as it arrives I peek inside and make sure it's what I need and then I tape the box closed again. I hand off the sealed box to Adolpha the Party-Planner and she wraps the gifts. Even her own. Sure, I miss some of the fun stuff from when they were little, but having kids who wrap their own presents and bake their own cookies, is really freaking nice. Five stars, highly recommend.

I did some traveling in 2019 and got to see a lot of you! It was so much fun! I'm adding new events to my calendar for 2020. If you want me to come and visit you, drop me a note and let me know.

This is my favorite time of year for the blog, because people tend to think of me when they put out their own Elves on the Shelves. I'm so grateful to each and every one of you. It makes my day when you tag me in Elf pictures, send me inappropriate Santa pictures, and buy sweary socks for stocking stuffers every time I recommend them. I'm also really grateful to those of you who put on pants and brave the Post Office to send me holiday cards and gifts. Thank you so much!!  I really get some of the most delightful and thoughtful things in the mail and I use them all. In fact, I noticed the other day we're completely out of Christmas toilet paper.

I hope your new year is the best one yet! I wish for you nothing but chocolate that refuses to stick to your hips, unlimited wine that never makes you drunk or hungover, soft and cuddly socks and blankets that keep you toasty warm but not too hot, and a good, ache-free sleep that lasts all night and only ends naturally on time so you don't need an alarm blaring in your ears forcing you to start your day off yelling at everything and everyone. Oh wait, that's what I asked Santa for. That's okay, I'll share with you!

Love, Jen

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies



By now we have all heard of the adorable little Elf on the Shelf. Almost everyone I know has one.  Some people even have two!  (Now I'm having guilt for not having two, because apparently I need two because when my kids are adults they'll each want one from their childhood.  Ugh.  Not looking forward to that conversation with the Hubs when I tell him why we need another Elf.)

The Elf is a handy little thing to have.  The little bastard keeps my children in check this time of year.  When there is even a HINT of rebellion all I have to do is say, "Elf" and they snap back in line.

2019 Christmas Wish List


It's the most wonderful time of the year! (If you like to shop, that is.) For the past few years I've made wish lists on the blog and this year is no different. I polled my friends and family to see what they're hoping to find wrapped and waiting for them and I've come up with a helpful list for you.

I also added a new category this year: some favorites from my Facebook group MIDLIFE BITES. The Midlife Bites group has their own Wish List this year based on what they're recommending and asking for.

I'll start with the hardest one in my house: Gomer. When you ask Gomer what he wants for Christmas, he always says, "Cash." But I hate to give cash, so I asked him, "If you received cash, what would you buy?" And here are some of the things he came up with.

Teen Boys

Champion joggers. It's a struggle to get the boy out of shorts, no matter the weather, so when he suggested sweatpants, I got excited.

Airpods. Hmm, I don't know. Looks like another way to tune me out.

What Do You Meme? game. A game? That we can play together?? Done and done.

Inflatable lounger. As long as I'm not the one blowing it up, I'll allow it.

Office stickers for his laptop. The boy and I are huge Office nerds, so I get it.

A television. He can now take a break from gaming and watching other people game so he can watch reality television?

A turntable and speakers. This one is interesting because we don't have any records in the house. I still have a huge collection of CDs, though. If the CD player comes back, I'm ready.

A charging station for iPhone, Airpods, and Apple Watch. The teenage boy version of a "juicer."

Nike socks. I made a mistake of buying another brand and it was rough around here.

Burrito blanket. Gomer can be cozy AND look delicious!


Gomer might be difficult to buy for because there isn't much on his list. Adolpha, on the other hand, wants EVERYTHING. Her list is always a mile long and I have to really push her to find out which items are the most important.

Teen Girls

Cake decorating set. Adolpha actually got this one for her birthday last week and it's already a hit. The quality isn't amazing, but for a beginner who is dabbling, it's perfect. She's already baking.

Animal Bites cable protectors. I don't understand these, but she's obsessed with them.

Giant bean bag. She received a normal size bean bag a few years ago, but now she wants an upgrade.

Llama blanket. This one checks off two boxes for her: cozy and llamas. She loves anything llama and literally can't enough blankets to wrap up in.

Crossbody bag. Now that she's older, she's going out without me and she no longer has me to carry her phone, her retainer case, a lip gloss, and her wallet.

Beats wireless headphones. I'm hoping she'll be bored with these within six months and I can inherit her cast-offs.

Nike socks. One kid will only wear black ones and one will only wear white ones. Makes laundry easy, I guess?

Hydroflask. Adolpha is all in on the VSCO girl thing and this is a vital part of their culture.

Waterproof stickers. You can't have a Hydroflask without stickers.

Reusable straws and bags. Hello, do you even care about the turtles??

Scrunchies. I think if you're a woman of a certain age, the appeal of these doesn't need to be explained. Even better, you can now buy them by the pound.


I've reached that age where I have everything I need and even most of the things I want. However, I'm always down for anything cozy, useful, and/or snarky.

Moms
Keyring bracelet. I'm always looking for a better way to keep track of my keys.

Doormat. I can never have too many sarcastic doormats. I change them with the seasons.

Velour tracksuit. I've recently re-discovered these beauties. My transformation into a Golden Girl is almost complete.

Winged eyeliner. When I actually put on pants and leave my house, makeup is a necessity. I love the look of winged eyeliner, but my hands aren't steady enough. The reviewers say these pens are magical.

Purse holder. Floors are gross. This handy little doodad keeps my purse off the disgusting floor.

Electric teapot. I drink a lot of tea. All day. Every day. Sure, I have a Keurig and even a regular old teapot, but this thing is kind of awesome. My mom has one and I'm a little envious of how fast she can get her tea ready. The Hubs will kill me if I bring another teapot into this house, but if one of the kids buys it for me, he can't say, no, right?

Tea Infuser. I hate pants, unless they're full of tea.

People I Want to Punch in the Throat. No, this isn't the book you're probably familiar with. This is a BLANK book where you can make your OWN list. A list of things to do, groceries to buy, or wrongs to right, it can all go in this compact little book.


The Hubs is all about the gadgets. He hasn't met a gadget he doesn't want.

Dads



Sony noise-canceling wireless headphones. If he gets a pair too, I'm definitely guaranteed someone's hand me downs!

Weighted blanket. The Hubs is a fitful sleeper and I've heard weighted blankets make a huge difference. Can't hurt, right?

Massage gun. The Hubs has reached that age where he wakes up in the morning with a stiff neck. Surely this can do the trick!

Insulated YETI coffee mug. We all know I'll steal this within the first few weeks.

Coffee/phone holder. OK, this thing is kind of awesome. The Hubs has been traveling a lot this year and I thought this was a cool attachment for his carry on. You put this on your carry on and it can hold your phone and a cup of coffee. Genius, right? (Full disclosure, I will also probably steal it.)

Car phone holder. This thing fits in the cupholder of your car and holds your cell phone. I won't steal this one, I ordered two and I'll wrap one up for me and pretend to be surprised.

Portable steamer. Neither of us likes to iron and years ago I gave up buying anything requiring ironing. The Hubs did not, so he needs this hot little number.

Telescoping ladder. I told you the Hubs likes gadgets. He can't have a "normal" ladder, he needs a go-go-Gadget ladder and this one fits the bill. It can adjust and lock into multiple heights and then fold up and store away easily.


A few months ago, I started a Facebook group for the ladies in the throes of midlife. When we're not suffering from hot flashes, we like to shop. These are some of their favorite things.

Midlife Bites



Insulated sassy wine glass. Can you be for 40-plus and NOT own a sassy wine glass?

Paper planner. These days we forget everything, so we need a calendar on our phone as well as a paper planner on the desk. Plus, stickers!

Finishing Touch hair remover. We're losing hair on our heads and it's popping up everywhere else: eyebrows, chins, upper lips.

Lash serum. I might have crow's feet, but my lashes will look fabulous!

Bamboo jammies. We're hot!

Cozy wrap. We're cold!

Flexible ice pack. If we're not sweating or plucking rogue hairs, we're asking, "What the hell hurts now?" These ice packs are ah-may-zing for those aching wrists, elbows, and knees.

Inflatable hot tub. What every grown-ass woman living her best life needs.

Snarky Gen X t-shirt. It pairs well with your sassy wine glass.

Period panties. Yeah, they're not sexy. If you want sexy, come back next week.

The Satisfyer. I told you next week would be sexy.

Maxi dress. Flattering and it has pockets!

Wrap bracelet. Pairs nicely with the maxi dress or the pjs, your choice.


And, last but not least, a signed book always makes a great gift for everyone on your list. Get yours here: https://forms.gle/UQnWZji5WUfuXvVv8


Leave me a comment and let me know what's on YOUR list this year!

Happy shopping!

P.S. All the links I've included are affiliate links.

A Real Christmas Miracle!

Just a few of the elves who made this magic happen!

On Halloween night, my mom took her dog out for a walk before bedtime. It was dark and she was in a hurry to get back home so she could start decorating for Christmas. (If you're a little shocked by that last bit, it must be because you've never read Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. If you'd read that book, then you'd know that my mom begins the arduous task of decorating for Christmas the moment she says goodbye to her last trick-or-treater.) Anyway, she was already dreaming of unpacking her hundreds of bins of decorations and greeting each Santa and snowman like family. My dad was out of town and she had big plans to stay up late into the night, blasting Christmas music and covering every surface with garland, lights, tinsel, or all of the above.

Pre-Lit Christmas Trees Can Suck It

Don't look too close, there are some dead bulb in there.

GUEST POST FROM THE HUBS - I'M NOT THIS CRAZY, JUST HE IS.

Who has a pre-lit Christmas tree?  Who invented this instrument of supposedly cheerful holiday torture?  I know the idea sounds good, but in practice, I am not so sure.  Now, before anyone gets upset, I am not saying that ALL pre-lit trees are bad.  Just the ones that suck monkey balls like the one I happen to have.

We have a 9 ft pre-lit Christmas tree with about 3,000 light bulbs on it.  Ours is huge, massive, and heavy as hell, with more wires and lights than an airport runway in a major city.  It's a nice looking tree.  It was VERY nice to have a huge tree that we didn't have to string lights on.  You plug in all the strands, turn them all on and enjoy your Christmas.  Yeah, that happened only the FIRST year we owned that tree.  Ever since that honeymoon Christmas, it has never been the same around here.  Nope, now it is an annoying, tedious, and mind numbing battle in search of the dreaded dead bulb.  Our tree is seven years old now and once one bulb goes out, the entire strand goes out.  So, you need to find the dead bulb.  With over 3,000 light bulbs on a tree, that is a lot to go through.  

My Rules for MOMS at Playdates


A few months ago I came up my list of rules for playdates for KIDS.  Many of you asked me for rules for playdates for MOMS.  These are the rules I came up with.

Keep in mind, these are rules for the moms on the periphery of my children's social scene. There are many moms who I am close to and whose children play with mine very often (I'm looking at you Sandy, Sherry, Mary, Jamie, Misty, etc.).  We don't need rules, because we're all normal with one another.  I do not want these mothers to think these rules are for them, because they are not.  

Why My Children Have No Right to Privacy



My friend Kim at Let Me Start By Saying wrote an essay that was featured on the Huffington Post. It was about reading her five-year-old daughter's diary. Kim knew her daughter had been writing in her diary and Kim wondered what was going on in her daughter's head. She took the key and opened the book. She was apprehensive. She was worried she might find out that her daughter was sad or angry or hiding something. Instead, she found that her daughter was happy and loved her life. Kim wrote a sweet and endearing post about this experience and her relief to find her daughter happy and healthy.

Designer Vaginas are a Thing Now


I don't know about you ladies, but as I get older I'm finding that a lot of things are .... changing.

My laugh lines aren't disappearing when I'm done laughing, my middle is getting softer, I'm taking more and more trips to the hairdresser to keep the gray hairs under control, and my libido isn't what it used to be.

None of these bother me (and the Hubs) as much as my waning sex drive. I've been looking everywhere for a solution and I've yet to find one. Until today.

This Letter Stopped Me in My Tracks

Photo by Jordan Whitt
School started a few weeks ago, and we're still trying to get back into the swing of things. I don't know about you, but it's been tough. Are you back in the routine yet?

Our morning routine is pretty standard. The Hubs wakes up early to get the kids ready for the day. At 7:30 am, he starts out by yelling -- I mean, gently wakes up the kids. Every morning I hear "Adolpha, get down here and get dressed" and Gomer "Get dressed and brush your teeth." Some days there is more yelling than others.

This morning was one of those mornings. Both kids woke up grumpy and sluggish and there was more than the normal drama to deal with. Gomer had lost a shoe and Adolpha was refusing to brush her teeth. I had had it. I was trying to make lunches when I found Adolpha's take home folder on the counter, buried under some junk mail. It was stuffed with papers that she had not shown me. I was so irritated. She doesn't have many jobs, but she is supposed to empty her folder each night and show me what's been sent home so I don't miss anything important. I flung open the folder and started slamming papers on the counter, saying, "Adolpha, you know you're supposed to empty your folder! Why can't you do what you are supposed to?"

Open Letter to Sadist Teachers


Pick your poison.  I've got all sizes covered this year.

Guess what this week is? BACK TO SCHOOL!!

I'm not excited at all. Can you tell? We've had a great summer. I took my kids to New York City, Washington, D.C., and McPherson, KS - all vacation hot spots. What more could a kid ask for? We've got a couple more days to get ready for the Big Day. I plan to have the kids thoroughly clean out their closets and then get drunk on television, because once school starts they'll have to earn that privilege. (The TV thing, not the closets. They can clean closets whenever they'd like.) Wednesday will be meet the teacher and drop off all your school supplies and I can tell you right now, I still don't know the difference between a "plastic" pocket folder and a "poly" pocket folder. I guessed. I don't know what they're made of, but they're not paper and they do have pockets. I DO know my colors, so I bought green, red, yellow, purple, and blue ones as I was instructed. I was able to cross that part off my list with confidence! I also could not find the particular brand of pencils that was asked for. We got the "skippies" of the pencil world: whatever brand Wal Mart had on sale.

Just Because Kids Are Physically Ready, It Doesn't Always Mean They're Ready


This week I dropped off Gomer for his first day of high school.

I think he was in kindergarten when I started this blog, so I can't even right now. This raising teen stuff is hard. I'll take potty-training any day of the week, please.

A lot has changed over the years. He's now taller than me (which isn't that hard), hairier than me (which is harder than you'd think), and quieter than me (no one in this family is louder than me, although Adolpha's trying to take that spot).

Anyone Else Falling Apart Or Is It Just Me?


So I'm pretty sure I'm going through a midlife crisis. I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel like the more I try to keep from falling apart, the faster I fall apart. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't breathe. And, on top of all that, I also feel numb. I'm not positive that's a midlife crisis, because when I Google midlife crisis or signs of a midlife crisis, so much of the information points to how men feel or how men can cope. There's not a lot of information out there for women.

I thought, Maybe it doesn't happen to us? No, I think it's more like we don't talk about this stuff. 

I was reminded of a story about my overwhelmed great-grandmother asking her doctor for some help and he told her, "Nice women don't discuss such things."

Nice women don't discuss such things.

I guess it's a good thing I'm not a nice woman? Because I'm ready to discuss this uncomfortable topic.

I'm miserable. I've been feeling this way for about a year now and I was afraid to say anything even to my closest friends and family. It's a really shitty thing to say out loud, because I know it hurts the people close to me, plus it just sounds like typical suburban angst. If I was a refugee somewhere, I wouldn't get the luxury to say, "I'm just not happy." I'm not running for my life, I'm not watching people around me get murdered, I don't have any real strife in my life, so what the fuck? Buck up! Right?  

I don't know, though. Don't I deserve to be happy? Don't I owe it to myself? Isn't that what I'm always preaching? Or am I supposed to keep this all to myself and just muddle through and not make waves?

Parents Who Let Their Children Dress Sexy

By now you've figured out that I don't like weak parents.  I don't like parents who let the kids call all the shots.  I don't like parents who want to be their children's friend.  I don't like parents who sigh heavily and say, "Well, what can I do?  Jax refuses to wear a coat when it's snowing out."

Be a fricking adult and tell your kid:  "Jax, you will wear your coat today because it is cold out.  When the temperature is warmer than 70 degrees, you will no longer have to wear a coat.  Today is 30 degrees, so it is a coat day.  Please put on your coat so we can go to school."  If that doesn't work you take Jax's Legos away every day he fights you on the coat.  We all know, Jax is very bright (so you keep telling us) so he'll catch on after the first day I'm sure.


People Who Work With Children, But Don't Like Them


What is the deal with people who work in professions designed to cater to children and then they can't stand children and/or they have no patience with children?!

We take our kids to a pediatric dentist.  He costs us far more than a "normal" dentist because he is a specialist, but I wanted to take my kids to a dentist who supposedly wouldn't scare the shit out of them and who I assume is trained to work with the under 12 crowd.

This guy has an office that looks like a carnival.  He has kids movies on the big screen, aquariums full of beautiful, bright fish, video games, stuffed animals, goody bags, balloons and, of course, ice cream (he's gotta make sure we still keep getting cavities - he knows where his bread is buttered).  His staff dresses in matching outfits that are different colors every day and they all have perky, glow in the dark smiles.  That's where the fun ends.

Douchey Dads

I was attending an auction at a chic country club and  I arrived early to help the organizers set up and I was surprised to find the bar full of young, well dressed (if you can call expensive plaid shorts well dressed), golf playing, thousands of dollars a year for dues paying men sitting around drinking and yukking it up.  I wanted to say, "Hey...where do you guys work that you can spend half of a Tuesday golfing at this expensive club?"  (I also wanted to hand all of them my real estate business card, because these guys look like the type who might need a good divorce attorney and Realtor in their Rolodex's at all times.)


I started setting up tables, but I just couldn't control my irritation at these guys.  Everything about them rubbed me the wrong way.  Their stupid plaid shorts, their expensive drinks and the yukking. God, the yukking.  I've never heard laughter that was so phony and so forced.  It sounded like a combination of sea lions and parrots barking at each other.

I Hang Out With My Boys Gary, Carl, and Jimmy


Hi it's Adolpha here!

Today is take your kid to work day so me and Gomer are working for our mom. So far the life of a writer isn't so bad. I've gotten to update her Insta and take pictures of my stuffed animals and write about them. So go like those pictures!

49 Word List To Describe My Mom



Hi everybody this is Gomer today is take your child to work day and in order to stay home my mom said I had to write a 100 word blog post about anything, and since I can write about anything I am going to write a 49 word list describing my mom.

Parents Who Don't Teach Their Kids Manners


I don't know about you, but I try to teach my kids manners whenever the opportunity arises.  If my kids receive a present I say, "What do you say?"  If they leave someone's house from a play date I say, "What do you tell so and so's mom?"  If they get in someone's way when we're at the store I say, "Say 'excuse me.'" That sort of thing.  I know a lot of people do it and I see my friends' kids doing it, but for some reason there is a small population out there who doesn't and I seem to come into contact with them all the time.


Last week I had to run to Hobby Lobby for a quick trip.  I was in a big hurry and somehow I got stuck behind the woman who thought it was a great idea to let her 2 year old walk and browse the store.  Ugh!! When is this EVER a good idea?

Show Your Kids We Can Fix Everything Together

I'm a talker.

I don't mean I talk a lot. (Even though I'm sure everyone who has ever met me would argue on that one.) 

What I mean is there isn't a topic that's off-limits in our house. Our house is a safe space where I encourage my kids to ask me anything.

And my kids take it seriously. Sometimes the questions are so outrageous I have to clutch my pearls and grab the smelling salts. Sometimes the questions are so ridiculous I have to stop myself from laughing in their faces. And sometimes the questions are so heart-breaking all I want to do is bundle everyone up in bubble wrap and go back to bed.

50 Shades of Suburbia

Heya! What are you doing today? I'm just working...like always. I have to work every day or else I'm not going to get paid, y'know? It can be kind of a drag after a while and I'm always like, "How am I ever going to retire? My kids will have to sell books at my funeral to pay for my coffin."

Money is something that keeps me up at night. Sure, I could spend less, but where's the fun in that? I'd rather just come up with new ways to make more money.

Today I stumbled upon my retirement plan. I'm going to buy this house and rent it out as an AirBnB. Yeah, that's right. Here, take a look at this listing and be sure to scroll through ALLLLL the pictures. Ahh shoot, I leave for a couple of hours and the MLS listing was changed. But have no fear, Philadelphia Magazine has the pics.

At first you'll be like: "Oh hey! Jen's right. This is a lovely home in suburban Pennsylvania with an open and inviting floor plan and award-winning schools. I love all the large, bright spaces to spread out and relax in."



"Wow! Look at that large unfinished space upstairs. I could easily finish it off and create a library since this house has everything except a library and I think every home needs a library."



"Ooh, look! In addition to all these things, the home also has a stunning finished basement complete with a work out room and ... um ..."


"Hang on. What am I looking at? Is that for Pilates? I think my friend, Karen, has this set up in her basement. It's from Italy. I hear, it's like, the hot, new workout."


 But...wait. Is IT for Pilates? Is that a stock? And a rack? Wait. What's hanging on those hooks on the wall? Is this Mr. Grey's man cave?"



"O. M. G. It's an S&M sex den!"



"I mean, it's tastefully done, though, right? I mean, the wood has a certain charm...and it's neatly organized...and well, I, just didn't know such a space could be so...inviting? Right?!"



My plan is genius, you guys. If you read the description carefully it says that ALL FURNISHINGS are included. I think that means ALLLLLL of it, right? At least I'd be writing that shit into the contract. Except the fur rugs. They can keep those, because, EWW.

It also says that this house rents out on AirBnB for $2,000 a night on the weekends for parties. Hell yeah, it does! I'm not good at math, but I'm pretty sure that adds up real quick when you get into the right AirBnB crowd. I could retire in, like, four years of Saturdays.

I shared this on my personal Facebook page and people were like:



There was a lot of worrying about the clean up and maybe what those walls and floors...and ceilings have seen, but here's the thing. I've stayed next door to people doing kinky shit in hotel rooms and you know those rooms aren't getting any kind of hose down. I figured at $2k a night, I can afford a haz mat team to clean the place and a lifetime supply of Clorox wipes.

The Hubs isn't on board, with my get rich quick scheme, but all I can say is:




Like this? You'll love my books. Get the books here!

Gender Reveal Parties




I have nothing against party planners.  I know it's their job to always come up with new ideas to sell to people, but when they start throwing Potty Parties and Period Parties you know they're grasping at straws.

The latest trend I've heard about is a Gender Reveal Party.  Wouldn't you love to be invited to one of those?  Well, I would not.  I'll just tell my friends right now:  Save your stamp.  I'm not coming.

PIWTPITT Sports Bra Review - The Results Are In

I wrote a post bemoaning the dearth of supportive sports bras for anyone with a D cup or larger.

I had just started my new workout regimen and I was frustrated with the constant battle to keep my boobies in check while I did a jumping jack. My workouts sounded a lot like this:

"One, two, ow - my eye! Three, four, son of a bitch! Five, six - now the other one is free too?! Seven, eight - break! I need a break. I've got to put these suckers back where they belong."

Don't get me wrong, I'm always happy to find an excuse for a break during my workouts, but tit was getting ridiculous. (Did you see my Freudian slip typo there? I decided to leave it, because it's just so perfect.)

I wrote my post and hundreds - nay, a tad over a thousand once it made the front page of HuffingtonPost - came out to voice their lament as well and to offer support and suggestions for me.

Hypochondriac Hubs


Today the Hubs is sick.  It started yesterday when he woke up and complained of full body aches.  I honestly didn't believe him.  We had an early day yesterday and I really thought he was trying to get out of helping with the morning routine.  He's just such a baby when he's sick it's hard to know when you can believe him.

Remember a few weeks ago when I wrote about Adolpha spending so much time in the nurse's office?  Well, she comes by her hypochondria honestly.  The Hubs can turn a splinter in his finger into a case of gangrene.  Instead of the boy who cried wolf, he is the man who cried sick.

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