Holiday Moms I Want to Punch in the Throat


The Overachiever—The holidays are a stressful time of year and the rest of us are doing the best we can. Why must she set the bar so high for the rest of us? Who really wants to wear matching Christmas sweaters for the entire family (including the dog) while caroling through the neighborhood and distributing homemade cookies and fudge to all your neighbors? Does is really make her life easier to have a unique wrapping paper for each member of her family's gifts? It's one thing to put lights in the front of your house, but when she lit the back of her house too, she crossed a line.

The Humblebragger—We get it, her life is incredible, but she can't brag outright about it. Instead she takes to social media to wrap her brag in a thinly veiled complaint. She lets us know just how impossible it is to take a cruise for two weeks at Christmas time! Simply finding a place to board the dog and the hamster is impossible while trying to pack casual resort wear, dressy resort wear, and a formal gown. Plus, the flight leaves at 6 AM. Are you kidding? It would be easier for her to stay home. Right.

The Over-Indulger—I feel like as moms we need to set a spending cap during the holidays. Most of the parents I know spend about the same amount on gifts as I do. But there's always that one mom who for one reason or another blows the bank at Christmas time and buys ridiculously expensive or inappropriate gifts. Hey, lady, your kid doesn't need two drones this year, one should do it. And why are you buying him a personal submarine? He's ten. And where will he sail this thing? The neighborhood pool? I think the Homeowner's Association will have something to say about that.

The Truther—O.K., you don't want to perpetuate the myth of Santa and lie to your children blah, blah, blah. You want credit for the gifts you buy and you want your children to be grateful to you and not to some fat dude at the North Pole. Fine. But stop ruining it for the rest of us. My magical limit is quite low and you're harshing my buzz, you should hear what the Overachiever says about you! I've got one kid left who still believes in the big guy and if you or your snotty kids ruin it for her, I'll cut you.

The Elf on the Shelf Mommy—Some might think this type of mom should be grouped with the Overachiever. I can see how you might think that. All Elf on the Shelf Mommies are Overachievers, but not all Overachievers are Elf on the Shelf Mommies. Elf on the Shelf Mommies are their own breed. They put the bulk of their holiday efforts into the Elf and his mischievousness. She has a month-long calendar of Elf-tacular shenanigans she's designed that includes highjinks like rearranging all of the contents in the kitchen cupboards, write messages in toothpaste on the bathroom mirrors, and shave the dog.

The Holidays Prepper—For many moms, Black Friday is the official shopping day for Christmas. Sure, we might have found one or two items over the year and put them away in super secret hiding places we've now forgotten, but the bulk of the work starts now. For Holiday Preppers, they've been working all year long. She's been shopping and stowing all year long and she's got the system and the spreadsheet to prove it. This mom is the one who saw the pumpkin shortage coming months before the rest of us and stockpiled plenty. She got the “hot new” toy in July before it was hot and bought an extra so she can sell it online and make a little extra money. Her decorating is never slowed by strings of burned out lights, because she's always got a cache in the basement for this very crisis. On Christmas morning, she's prepared for any kind of battery emergency that might arise. Papa and Granny bought a toy that requires two 9-volts and a watch battery? No problem, she can handle that.

The Easily Offended—There is a war on Christmas and no one's noticed except for her. Her favorite coffee place isn't serving hot beverages in festive enough cups. Her town's decorations are too inclusive of other's beliefs. She thinks if you're going to call it a “Holiday Tree” instead of a “Christmas Tree,” then it belongs in a wood chipper. She's pissed there isn't a live Nativity on the lawn of the Capitol. She refuses to shop at any store that wishes her “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Christmas.”

The #Blessed—All year long this mom's social media is awash in uplifting updates about how #blessed she is, but when the holidays roll around, this mom ratchets up her game to a whole new level. She begins with a daily thankful post during November. She starts out strong with her family and her health but by the end she's giving shout-outs to her SUV and her tennis instructor. The week after Christmas, we must all endure daily photos of the #blessed haul Hubby bestowed upon her: designer shoes and handbags, spa treatments, a new tennis racket that will change her life and her game, and lingerie. Really? Lingerie? Eww. #TMI.

The Disorganized—In case you've been reading this list and saying to yourself, “Gee, Jen, you're awfully critical of these other moms. How perfect are you?” The answer is not very. I am the Disorganized Mom. The one who has big plans to make the holidays special and magical, but she always fails due to the lack of a system or sheer laziness. She forgets to move her Elf on the Shelf and then when she finally thinks of him, she can't find where she put him last time. The “hot toy” she bought in July isn't the one her kid wanted. The spreadsheet that was going to keep her on track this year is still blank because she never filled it in. And on Christmas Eve instead of humblebragging on social media about how #blessed she is, she's begging friends and neighbors to help her remember where she hid the kids' Santa gifts.

The Memory Maker—This mom plans every single holiday memory down to the smallest detail. A simple task like baking cookies is a production. The children wear tiny personalized aprons and chef's hats festooned with sprigs of holly. They're posed over adorable matching mixing bowls where they pretend to stir up a batch of Great-Grandma's Famous Sugar Cookies. The scene is professionally lit, photographed, Instagrammed, and blogged, because if it's not documented it NEVER happened. Tears, whining, and messes are not allowed, because they're making memories, dammit! Now smile and look like you're having fun!

The First Timer—Bless her heart, the First Timer. We've all been there. Never has there been such a cute baby wearing a onesie proclaiming “Baby's First Christmas.” Just ask the four hundred closest friends and family who received tri-fold holiday cards emblazoned with a 10-picture collage of her Snowflake. She makes a rookie mistake by putting him in in his adorable snowman sweater while still in line to sit on Santa's knee. She's devastated when he upchucks all over said sweater and realizes she should have waited until the very last second to throw it over his head. If she thought that was bad, wait until she sees the picture. He's either asleep, pooping, or crying hysterically. She shouldn't cry yet, though, she should wait until Christmas morning when he prefers to play with the wrapping paper and boxes that his gifts came in, rather than the actual toys she spent a small fortune on.

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