People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Gwyneth Tries to Live on $29 a Week

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Gwyneth Tries to Live on $29 a Week

Poor, poor, poor, filthy rich Gwyneth can not catch a break! That girl needs to fire her publicity department, because between peddling $550 travel backgammon sets as great stocking stuffers and touting the benefits of steamed vaginas, Gwyneth isn't getting the kind of press that does her any good. She's become the out of touch celebrity who sounds a tad crazy every time she opens her mouth. It's become so bad that no matter what she does she's vilified.


Take for example this week's publicity stunt: Gwyneth accepted the food stamp challenge in an effort to bring attention to the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP). Gwyneth accepted the challenge to live on $29 worth of food for a week. And then I assume she asked her personal shopper to ask her mom where commoners shop, because that $29 would only buy her a week's worth of Vegenaise at her normal food boutique.


Then I'm guessing Gwyneth told her assistant what to purchase:

"Get some eggs. Regular people eat eggs, right? We have to get the chicken kind, not the duck kind, right? Fine. Well, we are making sacrifices! It's only a week, thank God! What about kale? We can get kale though, right? I love kale. I guess some rice would be good, but make sure it's brown rice. Get some black beans too. We can put those in the rice and then serve it on ... tortillas! We can make little tortilla pizzas in the brick pizza oven in the backyard of the London home. We might have to eat like serfs, but no one said we had to prepare our food like them. Ohh, I know cilantro! Get a lot of cilantro. You can never have too much cilantro. I'm going to take a picture of all the food and tweet it out, so I need some color. Maybe a sweet potato and a toemahto (you know she pronounced it "toe-mah-to"). And limes! Get a bunch of limes. Maybe one for every day. We can infuse our tap water with them since there is no budget for bottled water this week. Plus limes make every picture look terrific. They just pop!"

This is probably when her publicist should have stepped in and said, "You know what, Gwyneth? I'd love to arrange a meeting with a nutritionist who can help us come up with a realistic and relatable list for you to purchase. You're having a heck of a time convincing the world that you're not an asshole and I think this could help."

Instead, Gwyneth tweeted a picture of assorted salad fixin's and herbs.

Oh, Gwyneth, you made some terrible choices with your $29. Come on, Gwynnie. I know it was hard to choose peasant food. There was no way you could afford organic wine or "autumnal yum," but did you really think that you'd get full on cilantro? I realize you couldn't possibly pick a tin of cheese after you promised to smoke crack before you'd ever eat that garbage. Fine. I'm not saying you should have bought twenty-nine Hungry Man frozen dinner either, but what about a jar of peanut butter? Some frozen chicken breasts? A loaf of bread? A block of cheese? ANY of these would have been better choices than one jalapeno. "Are you hungry, Apple? Here, nibble on this jalapeno. Not too much, dear. You need to share it with your brother."

Look, this was a bad idea from the start. Gwyneth was never going to win at this challenge. She should have told her friend Mario Batali, "I love this idea and I would love to help raise awareness. Why don't I write a check to my local food pantry and tell them to use the money to buy whatever they need? I'll tweet a picture of the check with the hashtag."

Or ... wait ...  maybe this IS good publicity and she is winning? Maybe she's an evil genius who threw in limes just to piss off the internet and get us all talking about SNAP??? Think about it. Did you even know Mario Batali was doing this thing before Gwyneth tweeted her clove of garlic? She's actually got people talking about SNAP and leafy greens! Holy crap. I see what she's doing. She's totally playing us!!

And now to top it off, she quit the challenge and went for lunch. Is she a quitter or did she feel like the news cycle was getting off-topic and starting to lose interest in her cause?

Whoa. I bow down, Gwynnie. You are the Master Manipulator. My mind is completely blown and now I feel an overwhelming urge to buy limes and steam my vagina.


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