Dating Naked Star is Mad Because We Saw Her Naked

I watch a lot of reality television. I have to . There's nothing else on anymore. What the hell happened to television? Now it's all a bunch of half naked women frolicking in a hot tub with some douchebag they hope will propose marriage to them based solely on their make out skills and bra size OR it's extreme cooking shows where contestants must prepare a ten-course meal over a cookstove in a gondola going to the top of a mountain using only four ingredients one of which is cow's bladder.


I pride myself on being choosy with my reality television watching, so it's no surprise that I've never seen VH-1's "Dating Naked." At first I wasn't sure what this show was about, but then I took a closer look at the title. Ohhhhhh. Yeah, it's pretty self explanatory. You really go on a date with a stranger and you're both naked. Sounds like a blast. What could possibly go wrong?


Apparently, a lot can go wrong. At least it can, according to Jessie Nizewitz, a woman who appeared on this show and then turned around and sued VH-1 for $10 million. I know you're probably wondering, "What's with the lawsuit, Jessie? What happened? Did you guys go to a tropical rain forest on your date and a monkey grabbed your boob? Did you hit an amusement part and the rollercoaster chafed your ass? Did the boom operator heckle you about your muffin top?" Those are all good guesses, but you'd be wrong. Jessie is suing because the world (or at least anyone who was scrolling through their 300-plus cable channels and saw pixelated boobs and thus stopped to see what the hell was going on) saw this particular episode where at one point they were treated with a shot of muff. Well, actually, muff isn't the right word, because Jessie has an excellent waxer. Her lady bits are quite well cared for. I guess I should call it her tampon tunnel.


That's right, producers "convinced" narcissistic Jessie to wrestle naked with her date. Well, Jessie will do anything to land a man (and a modeling contract) so she agreed. Whoever was in charge of blurring all of the private parts during the tussle, apparently missed a glimpse of Jessie's lady regions. I'm not sure how though, because the picture I saw was a gaping pink maw and a puckered poop shoot. There was no question what I was seeing. Please pass the bleach for my eyes.

Poor Jessie. Of course she needs $10 million to make this all better. Imagine the humiliation of appearing on a television show where she's introduced to a stranger and told "Take off your clothes and go on a date with this guy" and then they forget to pixelate her beaver. Imagine knowing that your dad and your grandma just saw your cum dumpster. Because that's what happened to sweet Jessie. We can imagine how that would feel, right?

Actually. No. No, I can't. Because I'd never in a million years go on a date naked and get filmed doing it. And let's just say IF I did such a thing, there is NO FUCKING WAY I'm letting my dad or my grandma EVER watch me on television.

The best part of Jessie's pain and suffering is that because of this clit slip she's lost out on what could have been the love of her life. You see, Jessie was dating a nice young man before this show aired and after he saw it, he never called her again. Now, I'm thinking he never called her again because he can't take her home for Thanksgiving and have Uncle Al say, "You look familiar, Jessie. Have I seen your crotch somewhere?" It would also be very difficult for to explain why she let some dude rub mud all over her boobies or why she's such an attention whore that she felt the need to date three men in her birthday suit on television. I'm just guessing that those might be the reasons why this fella broke it off with Jessie. However, if you ask Jessie, it all has to do with the fact that lots of people saw her snatch and her new boyfriend didn't care for that.

Jessie can wail all she wants about how humiliated she is and how much pain and suffering she has endured by all of this, but let's think about this for a minute. Before Friday I'd never heard of "Dating Naked," Jessie, or her box. Since Friday, I've seen tons and tons of articles ridiculing Jessie and her lawsuit and her common sense. I've seen the pictures of her gaping cock socket and bung hole (they're out there, people). And now I'm writing my own ode to Jessie's intelligent decision-making skills. It seems to me that Jessie could have gone away quietly and resumed her life without anyone knowing about her sordid past if she hadn't brought a $10 million lawsuit. Jessie can cry foul all she wants, but I'm not buying it. I'm not sure what she will do if she wins the money, but I can bet she'll get herself a designer vagina now that her lady garden is so famous.

I don't think she'll win her lawsuit. At least I hope she won't. Surely she won't? Right???? Let's assume she won't. When she loses, she should look on the bright side: She might not get $10 million, but she can pocket her normal co-pay because so many of us have peered into her vagina at this point that she can probably skip her visit to the gyno this year.


Find me on Facebook, Twitter and Subscribe via E-mail. 

17 comments:

The Shitastrophy said...

Breach of contract...I bet she will win, but not $10 Million. Sad state of affairs our legal system is.

Nicole Barr said...

Sadly, she might win the case.... but how stupid to have your pocketbook hanging out, flapping in the wind in full sight, then getting angry when someone (ehem the world) actually sees what you put out there to see! Don't take your clothes off if you don't want your goodies to be seen! Hellerrr!

Ann Edelberg said...

You can bleach your eyes, but you can't bleach your minds eyes. That image will be burned into your memory forever.
ACK!

Kristine Laco said...

I can't decide whether I am going to use cock socket, tampon tunnel or cum dumpster in conversation next time the family is over. You truly need to publish a thesaurus!

fishducky said...

I saw a photo. It wasn't a frontal shot--it was a "backal"'--it was her asshole that was exposed!!

jennifer said...

ain't NO WAY in seven hells THAT is a $10 million hooninny!

Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 said...

"Cock socket." That's some fine word-smithing.

Periwinkle Paisley said...

It all comes down to this: if VH1's contract stated that they would pixelate every single shot of her lady bits shown on TV and oops! Then I think she should win the suit. VH1 is in breach of contract, so they can cough up. That being said I can't decide if this show or the one where people lose their virginity is spelling the beginning of the end of decent civilization.

Kim Bongiorno at Let Me Start By Saying said...

Too busy banging bead against the counter to even comment.

Rebecca Williamson said...

Have you seen the one where people let "experts" pick their bride or groom. Marry him or her, sight unseen, having never spoken a word to each other, then get followed around while they see if it's going to work? Married at First Sight, I think it is.

Linda Roy said...

Hey, if the lawsuit doesn't pan out, she could always sign on as the spokesperson for Tampax.

Melissa Epps said...

I can't say "You have to be kidding me" anymore. This is freaking ridiculous. This girl better not win her law suit.

Darcy Perdu said...

HA! Did a spit-take at: "he can't take her home for Thanksgiving and have Uncle Al say, "You look familiar, Jessie. Have I seen your crotch somewhere?" Hilarious!

Julie said...

I am SO going to start using the word hooninny.

Susan McCord said...

LOVE your writing style lol!

Katie Fritzsche said...

I'm alternating laughter and full cringe at your...synonyms.
Please tell me you looked up varying ways to say snatch and that some of those lovelies didn't roll off of your tongue (eww!) haha

Ali Khan said...

In many ways blind dating is no different than any other type of dating. The basic elements of dating still exist but you do need to exercise more caution in a blind date. Like any other date you want a blind date to go well so that you can ensure yourself a second date. ดูฟรีหนังโป๊

Why My Children Have No Right to Privacy

My friend Kim at Let Me Start By Saying wrote an essay that was featured on the Huffington Post . It was about reading her five-year-old...