I pride myself on being choosy with my reality television watching, so it's no surprise that I've never seen VH-1's "Dating Naked." At first I wasn't sure what this show was about, but then I took a closer look at the title. Ohhhhhh. Yeah, it's pretty self explanatory. You really go on a date with a stranger and you're both naked. Sounds like a blast. What could possibly go wrong?
Apparently, a lot can go wrong. At least it can, according to Jessie Nizewitz, a woman who appeared on this show and then turned around and sued VH-1 for $10 million. I know you're probably wondering, "What's with the lawsuit, Jessie? What happened? Did you guys go to a tropical rain forest on your date and a monkey grabbed your boob? Did you hit an amusement part and the rollercoaster chafed your ass? Did the boom operator heckle you about your muffin top?" Those are all good guesses, but you'd be wrong. Jessie is suing because the world (or at least anyone who was scrolling through their 300-plus cable channels and saw pixelated boobs and thus stopped to see what the hell was going on) saw this particular episode where at one point they were treated with a shot of muff. Well, actually, muff isn't the right word, because Jessie has an excellent waxer. Her lady bits are quite well cared for. I guess I should call it her tampon tunnel.
That's right, producers "convinced" narcissistic Jessie to wrestle naked with her date. Well, Jessie will do anything to land a man (and a modeling contract) so she agreed. Whoever was in charge of blurring all of the private parts during the tussle, apparently missed a glimpse of Jessie's lady regions. I'm not sure how though, because the picture I saw was a gaping pink maw and a puckered poop shoot. There was no question what I was seeing. Please pass the bleach for my eyes.
Poor Jessie. Of course she needs $10 million to make this all better. Imagine the humiliation of appearing on a television show where she's introduced to a stranger and told "Take off your clothes and go on a date with this guy" and then they forget to pixelate her beaver. Imagine knowing that your dad and your grandma just saw your cum dumpster. Because that's what happened to sweet Jessie. We can imagine how that would feel, right?
Actually. No. No, I can't. Because I'd never in a million years go on a date naked and get filmed doing it. And let's just say IF I did such a thing, there is NO FUCKING WAY I'm letting my dad or my grandma EVER watch me on television.
The best part of Jessie's pain and suffering is that because of this clit slip she's lost out on what could have been the love of her life. You see, Jessie was dating a nice young man before this show aired and after he saw it, he never called her again. Now, I'm thinking he never called her again because he can't take her home for Thanksgiving and have Uncle Al say, "You look familiar, Jessie. Have I seen your crotch somewhere?" It would also be very difficult for to explain why she let some dude rub mud all over her boobies or why she's such an attention whore that she felt the need to date three men in her birthday suit on television. I'm just guessing that those might be the reasons why this fella broke it off with Jessie. However, if you ask Jessie, it all has to do with the fact that lots of people saw her snatch and her new boyfriend didn't care for that.
Jessie can wail all she wants about how humiliated she is and how much pain and suffering she has endured by all of this, but let's think about this for a minute. Before Friday I'd never heard of "Dating Naked," Jessie, or her box. Since Friday, I've seen tons and tons of articles ridiculing Jessie and her lawsuit and her common sense. I've seen the pictures of her gaping cock socket and bung hole (they're out there, people). And now I'm writing my own ode to Jessie's intelligent decision-making skills. It seems to me that Jessie could have gone away quietly and resumed her life without anyone knowing about her sordid past if she hadn't brought a $10 million lawsuit. Jessie can cry foul all she wants, but I'm not buying it. I'm not sure what she will do if she wins the money, but I can bet she'll get herself a designer vagina now that her lady garden is so famous.
I don't think she'll win her lawsuit. At least I hope she won't. Surely she won't? Right???? Let's assume she won't. When she loses, she should look on the bright side: She might not get $10 million, but she can pocket her normal co-pay because so many of us have peered into her vagina at this point that she can probably skip her visit to the gyno this year.