Gwyneth Paltrow is Hurting and It's All My Fault

You guys, I feel really bad today. Apparently, people like me (and you -- I'm not alone here) hurt Gwyneth Paltrow with our mean remarks about her. They're "dehumanizing" and make her feel just like a soldier who has gone through a terrible and bloody war.

In case you don't know what I'm talking about, read this and then you'll be up to speed.

Wow. Right?

I had no idea Gwyneth took the comments of strangers on the internet to such deep levels inside of her.


I had no idea that when I called her $300 a day diet (those are some expensive weeds tossed in maple syrup for just the right amount of "autumnal yum") a bunch of horse shit that it was just like lobbing grenades at her -- literally.

Or when I said that when she posted her desperate call for privacy on GOOP where she detailed the meltdown of her marriage and blamed her consciously uncoupling on the fact that she's lived too long and something about bugs and other nonsense I couldn't follow, it was really just a ploy to sell more hideous over priced clothes that it was as if I were shooting bullets at her -- literally.

The poor thing!

I just had no idea. I really feel like I should say something to her. I should acknowledge what I've done and tell her.

So here goes:

"Gwynnie, let's get this foot in great shape for the next time you say something ridiculous. Delish!"
Photo source
Are you fucking kidding me, Gwyneth? I'm pretty sure you are dumbest person I've ever heard about. What is wrong with you? Every time you open your perfect mouth you stick your organic pedicured foot into it. Do you ever think about anything before you say it? Are you this stupid all the time or is it only when someone is around to record your vapid words? Maybe you should eat something. I feel like your brain needs more nutrients than can be found in cigarettes, wine, and foliage.

I'd like to say more to you, but instead I'll let this Green Beret, Brian Sykes, tell you off. He does it so well, everyone should read this.

If you like what you read, find me on Facebook, Twitter or Subscribe via E-mail.


31 comments:

Unknown said...

I think she really is the biggest asshat on the planet

Rachael said...

$300 a day diet?! Seriously? There are people starving all over the world and other people think it's ok to spend $300 a day on food! I don't think I could run our weekly grocery bill that high! That is not ok.

Anonymous said...

I actually read a quote from Angelina Jolie about how Gwenyth should zip it because they're working moms in a position to have people help them do everything with their kids when there are single moms who work even more without the money or help. Totally Team Jolie, over here.

StefK said...

The level of dumbassery she exudes continues to astound me. Just when I think she can't say something more idiotic, she outdoes her self. Wow.

Unknown said...

I like her comment about her being an actess and a mother is harder than being a mum who works harder than her for a living whoo hoo she has to work for all of what 3months out the time shes alive and she is set for life us normal mums have to work everyday we dont have nannys to help and people running around after us stupid stupid woman

Carrie - ASassyRedhead.com said...

I dislike her and all her arrogant-nessity so much I almost didn't even attempt to read this.

I don't think there's a more self-absorbed, self-serving asshat on earth, than her.

I'd give my soul to see her walk a day in a real woman's shoes. A real woman who works, juggles kids and a husband and does her best to hit the gym twice a week.

And that gym thing? It's her "me time" and she's gotta sweat to get it.

I need to go so I can hurl.

But great read, nevertheless. =)

Michelle S. said...

I won't deny she has said some stupid things. But if everything you said was printed out for all to see in the world you'd see some stupid shit too but you have gone from being funny to just really mean most of the time. It's too bad.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Best laugh I've had all day!

mylynn1377 said...

No the dumb blonde comparing her life to a soldiers is the mean one. She needs to shut her pretentious mouth and get a clue. If you want to be all touchy feely and butt hurt about it then you should really get off here and go to GOOP. I'll be sure to tell all my military friends that people in this country actually sympathize with the twit.

SDJaye said...

Don't get this... was this supposed to be an apology?

Everybody has hard things to deal with, and everybody is human- they do and say silly things, and if they don't affect you, don't fret about it.

I'll try to stick to this: if I can't say anything nice, I'll zip it. Because once said, or written, it's out there, no going back.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I agree with Michelle S. 100%. It's one thing to not like someone. It's another to trash talk them to the point of cold blooded meanness. If you don't like her, shut your pie hole and move on.

ToniT said...

How can we? All the meanness thrown at her is in response to her UNBELIEVABLE, PATHETIC, CLUELESS comments.

jillsifer said...

When ignorance meets arrogance, temerity and easy access to numerous public channels, the result is THIS horrible stew of self-indulgent, insulting blather. Go Jen, go Brian Sykes, and go, Cindy McCain! (Although I DO sort of wonder if Gwyneth might fade away if we all stopped talking about her . . .?)

Amanda said...

From one military spouse (and I would imagine many others), thank you!! I read Brian Sykes' letter to my husband last night and we were rolling at his fluent use of sarcasm. I generally don't take what celebrities say seriously (especially the high school and college dropouts. I'm looking at you Gwynnie) but when they say stupid shit like this and try to compare any part of their lives to a service members, it hits a little too close to home. But she will never understand that living in her entitled, pretentious bubble. Great post today, Jen!

Jenn said...

I agree, and I really feel like if we were all a little nicer to each other in person and online, there would be a lot more peace in this world. Nobody is perfect, some people less perfect than others, so we should all give each other a little break.

Miki Smith said...

Yikes. Must say, I also agree with Michelle. The wildy vicious comments about Gwyneth's terrible comments strike me as ironic

Anonymous said...

Wow. Not sure at the moment which is the more prominent sentiment - the hilarity of the whole thing, or how someone like her could be so smart, so talented yet so fricking IGNORANT!

arherber said...

Thank YOU to both you and your husband!

Unknown said...

"I had no idea that when I called her $300 a day diet (those are some expensive weeds tossed in maple syrup for just the right amount of "autumnal yum")"

That! Right there was the moment where my strawberry lemonade (made with HF Corn syrup ;) ) came spewing out of my mouth and all over my keyboard. I already have a special kind of dislike for this woman because not only does she annoy the crap out of me with her horrible acting but my Husband thinks the sun rises and sets with this woman. He doesn't really care what the heck comes out of her mouth though.

Notes From ABroad said...

Gwyneth is too used to being cosetted.She thinks she is still that precious little blonde child that made mommy and daddy so happy.
She can't get over the fact that her incessant whining about things and looking for approval over and over and ...... is not fascinating to the rest of the world.
Personally- she was good in Shakespeare in Love.
After that she should have quit.
Then I wouldn't be saying mean things about her online.
Anyone that names their children Moses and Apple is not quite all there ... and those kids will explain that to her when they are old enough to understand why the other children laugh at them.

Unknown said...

Poor Gwen. I think she needs to just shut her yap for a few decades.

skyethebard said...

I'm amazed at how many people here, and elsewhere, describe her as the MOST self-serving person they know of. Considering how many wealthy industrialists out there are doing their very best to make sure the "regular folk" (read: all of us here) have to share an ever-decreasing piece of the pie...that's an amazing assertion. Also, to anyone who actually thinks that Paltrow's diet costs $300 per day: read an actual article and do the math. Seriously. Don't just read the article title, get huffy, and expect the rest of us to take you seriously. Like you, Michelle S, I am super-glad that my words are not constantly being quoted. I'm quite sure people would have plenty to pick apart.

Anonymous said...

I agree with this as well. While I do not personally care for Gwenyth, and I certainly think it was a poor choice to compare her personal issues to war, I find it ironic Jen feels justified in posting this sort of meanness about someone complaining about their first world problems. Seeing as how this blog just posted an article encouraging people to lament in the stupidity of their "problems" and exaggerate them, I would think Gwenyth would fit right in with Jen. They could bitch about absolutely nothing together.

Jaclyn Hartley said...

To Michelle S and all those who agree with her.... you do know the name of this blog, right? You want sunshine, pies and fucking NICE cakes.....move along.... this blog is a great avenue for calling out all the douchebaggery in this world.....and ALL the punches are well deserved....And Gwennie should get two punches!

Bekah said...

I would love to punch her in the throat. For realz. As someone who has been to war, twice, and ACTUALLY shot at, I would like to tell her to suck it. Hard.

Unknown said...

that Green Beret deserves another medal.

Unknown said...

Aw man, Jen. I wish your blog was like Facebook and you could just unfriend readers. Gwyneth is a douche. If she wasn't, she wouldn't have the backlash. You make your bed (with 5,000,000 thread count sheets woven with hemp and gold)- you lie in it (in your $500 pajamas). She can suck it.

mfmc said...

I just love this comment I found on the subject: "Next she'll probably say her life is similar to being a Jew in the Holocaust or her diet regiment is like being a starving child in Africa. What a tool. Shut the eff up!"

Unknown said...

Honestly if you watch the video, she made some good points. She wasn't only talking about the comments that affected her but everyone else as well. It was a general comment about society and how anonymity has allowed for us to react to things in ways we wouldn't in real life. Perhaps comparing it to war was a poor choice, but she was trying to exemplify what people feel inside when someone calls them ugly or fat and they don't even know them. Just download Vine and follow Viners Read Mean Comments. Some of those people deal with it on a daily basis. Pretty sure they have feelings despite the brave responses to anonymous hatred.

RachRiot said...

Oh, GOOPY, you never disappoint. War? Genocide? That's nothing compared to meanies on the internet.

Anyone Else Falling Apart Or Is It Just Me?

So I'm pretty sure I'm going through a midlife crisis. I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel like the more I try to keep fro...

Popular Posts