People I Want to Punch in the Throat: PIWTPITT's How To Be a Good Wife

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PIWTPITT's How To Be a Good Wife

Are you a good wife?
I've been married to the Hubs for 12 glorious, ah-may-zing, and wonderful years. OK, they haven't ALL been glorious, ah-may-zing, and wonderful, but they've been pretty darn good. I'd give them a good, solid B+ in my book, maybe even an A- if I'm feeling generous.




My marriage has not been an A+ though. I look around the blogosphere and I see that there are a lot of happy wife types out there offering their pearls of wisdom about how to be a good wife. Since my marriage isn't an A+, I decided that maybe I need to collect these little nuggets of advice and learn from them.

I did some searching and I found a really terrific list and I think it's going to be very helpful if I could just stop making fun of it. The list is entitled: How To Be a Good Wife. After I stopped laughing, I started reading it.

1. Be Pleasant. Be warm, kind, and positive. Keep a smile on your face and always have a neat and clean appearance. 

Hmmm ... I guess this means I need to shower on a regular basis? Surely I don't have to blow dry my hair every day though, right?? I always have a smile on my face when I use my most positive and pleasant voice to kindly ask my husband to take me to dinner because I wasn't in the mood to cook.

2. Treat Your Husband With Respect. Never say harsh things to him in public or private.

OK, I've got this one. I totally respect the Hubs. Yes, I call him a cheap bastard and sometimes I say he closely resembles a pickle when he's naked, but I do so in a loving manner in public and in private.

3. Communicate. Be a good listener. When he is talking you should listen, even if you have a hundred things you want to tell him - don't do it. Just listen to him.

This would be easier if I ever let the Hubs get a word in. I don't do it on purpose, but there is a lot he needs to know. I can't listen to him tell me about his crappy day. I had a much crappier day and he should hear all about it. Plus, Gomer needs to get to soccer practice and Adolpha needs help with her spelling list and dinner is burning, so can he please shut the hell up so we can make dinner plans somewhere? (Said in my sweetest, most loving voice.)

4. Do Not Nag. 

Ummm ... great advice, but I'm getting a lot of mixed messages from this list. If I don't nag then how does anything get done around here? You said "communicate." We communicate through nagging. The Hubs nags me to take a shower and I nag him to change the light bulb in the kitchen. 

5. Give Him His Space. You are not his entire life, let him have some alone time.

WTF?? Yes, please. Sign me up. OK, now I'm starting to get down with this list. I would pay the man to take a business trip or go on a weekend trip with the guys. I could use some alone time. I'm desperate for it.

6. Keep Him Happy in Bed. 

Sigh. I knew this one would be here. FINE. I'll see what I can do, but he has to stop nagging me about shaving my jungle first. Like we all learned in school: you get what you get and you don't get upset.

This list made me realize that I may not be the hottest wife in my flannel PJ bottoms and Crocs, but I'm the best wife the Hubs has ever had. He barely leaves me alone to have a quiet moment to myself and farts on demand, but he's the best husband I've ever had. He might look a bit like a pickle and I may or may not smell some days, but we know what love is: the ability to put up with one another on a daily basis, because there isn't another pickle-looking guy out there who I'd rather have.

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25 comments:

Linda Kish said...

What decade did this list come from? the 50s?

Meredith said...

I think you and The Hubs have a perfect thing going. And the flannel pjs and Crocs? Let's face it--you're HAWT!!

Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 said...

7. Always have his pipe, brandy, and slippers waiting for him when he gets home from the office.

8. Make sure the children never come to him with their petty little problems.

9. Realize that he is Your Master, and behave accordingly.

10. Do not offer your opinion on politics, finance, or current events. For goodness' sake, you're a woman! If he wants stimulating conversation, he can get that from the boys at the lodge.

George with ears said...

Christ on a stick, who writes this shit? (The questions not the answers.) So many responses, such a little space.

Bryna Ramirez said...

It's good advice. My hubs does the same for me back.

Christine Burke said...

You need to punch the author of this list in the throat. And then make her buy 15 copies of I Just Want To Be Alone.

La Vosgienne said...

I don't know where you got this list, Jen, but it is as frightening as the one found in this 1955 issue of Housekeeping Monthly:

http://www.wazny.com/images2/The%20good%20wife's%20guide.jpg

HouseTalkN Rossow said...

The list had me cackling at "be pleasant" and I was doubled over by "do not nag." I'm clearly doing it wrong.

thehubbydiaries said...

I was "gifted" this lovely book a few years ago. Now, I only pull it off the bookshelf when necessary..... to smack hubby in the head with it!

Alison Maxey said...

Sadly a number of men & women expect this and think its should be this way

Runaway Circus said...

The real trouble is too few hubs are reading this list, and in between the lines, and getting with the program. Just saying'... And I'm a fan of crocs, myself. This is real life, not 'Sex and the City'... Sore feet make Mama cranky.... Then there's no dinner and no nookie.... and forget the pleasant, positive attitude. No, Crocs make the world a happier and more comfortable place.

historyofawoman.com said...

This was a fantastic list...the additions you made at least. I'm pretty sure the husband has the best version of me. There's no upgrades here though, so I suppose he's stuck.

Veronica said...

Now that's just silly talk. Women don't have opinions!

Rosangela Manfredo said...

OMG.. i'm laughing so hard my gut hurts. -- seriously.. this list doesn't know what a working mom is like. #5 goes right out the door - its complete b.s. you want time alone? get the kids asleep first..

fullmetalmommy said...

If "do not display symptoms of PMS, ever" was on that list I'd be on the short list for divorce.
Listen, I just need to be in a stable enough relationship where I can act like an outright bitch for no apparent reason roughly once a month.

OhBoyMom said...

Hahaha! Great comments on that list...someone above already said it, but I'd say the author of that list needs a good punch -- any body part I'd say!

Bev Feldman said...

Hahah, great responses! I echo OhBoyMom's sentiments ;-)

Rory Bore said...

wow - surprised the list didn't include remember to brush your hair, change into a clean, chic sundress and put on your lipstick before he comes home. *eye roll*
I like your motto about being happy with what you get better.

Elizabeth Catalano said...

I need charts to follow this advice. And also, I think, a girdle. Haha. When do they get to the part about spending his money? We fluffyheaded gals do like to buy shoes.

jshamsmith said...

I bet you've ready How to Be a Help Meet am I right? Sounds very familiar. This book was pushed at a bible study recently and after I also finished laughing my ass off, I high tailed it out of that church. If I did these things, my husband would be terrified I was about to kill him.

J Bear said...

It probably came from Mormon housewives. Pretty sure 70% of pinterest pins come from them. Nobody else has the time to do even 1/8th of the crap people on pinterest do. Lol

davidwallace said...

*laugh* I married a Mormon housewife. Seriously, before I met her, I would never have known such a creature existed. I'm the luckiest guy on the planet. I highly recommend it.

Nina Badger said...

This is great & spot on! Especially #5!! lol

Marcia said...

LOL...you had me at the image. Love your transparency.

Andrea said...

can I get a flow chart of responses to follow through on these? Bah ha ha ha...