People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Elf on the Shelf Birthday Elf

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Elf on the Shelf Birthday Elf

Source: Barnes & Noble
The apocalypse is coming! Take shelter! You've been warned!

The people who make that little bastard The Elf on the Shelf are at it again. They've got a new product: a Birthday Elf.

Yup. Now Santa's elves will fly down from the North Pole (wearing a cupcake around his belly for some reason) and help your child celebrate his/her birthday.


No, no, no, no, no. Surely you know by now how I feel about that doll.

It was bad enough when the overachieving mommies were turning their elves into mess-makers, but this one is just too much. There is no reason why my child needs one of Santa's elves at her birthday party. Isn't a pony enough?

Stop it. Just stop it. That stupid elf cannot come to a birthday party. He is not welcome. This is getting ridiculous. I have not read the book, but I cannot imagine that there would be any reason why he needs to be at a child's birthday party. He needs to stay in the North Pole until it's his season. He has work to do! He needs to make toys and whatnot.

And it's not just that the little bastard is showing up where he doesn't belong, but I feel like this is just another way that seasonal companies are looking for a way to stick around all year long.

We are letting retailers creep Christmas into our lives earlier and earlier. Did anyone else notice people wishing one another "Happy Half Christmas" on June 25? My Pinterest was exploding that day with ah-dor-able Christmas ideas. I'm sure that Hobby Lobby will start stocking festive holiday ribbon any day now if they haven't already done so.

I can't wait to see the overachieving Elf on the Shelf birthday parties now. Will he arrive in a hot air balloon? Is he messy too or does he bring elaborate over the top gifts?

The Elf on the Shelf people are milking their little doll for all it's worth, so I'll give them a hand. Here are my ideas of more elves they could make:

1. Gender Reveal Elf - Santa sends down a pink or a blue elf to let your family and friends know what you're expecting.

2. Animal Loving Elf - This is for the dog and cat parents. It's an elf that Santa sends to keep an eye on your pet-child's behavior and report back if he should leave a lump of dog poop or a good chew toy.

3. You're Special Today Elf - This is like that You Are Special Today red plate. Only it's an elf that comes when your child has something special to celebrate like a 100% on a spelling test or an award for hanging up his coat properly.

4. The Elves of the Week - We've got panties of the week, why not an Elf of the Week? Monday's Elf is full of mischief (someone still has to make a mess), Tuesday's Elf is tiny (he's smaller than the rest), Wednesday's Elf is a little wacky, Thursday's Elf is ticklish, Friday's Elf is fun, Saturday's Elf is silly, and Sunday's Elf is sleepy (this one is for the underachievers like me who don't want to move him).

You're welcome, Elf on the Shelf people. I'll be waiting for my check.

Disclaimer: This is obviously not a sponsored post.

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63 comments:

Snarky Girl's Rants and Raves said...

Awesome as usual. No birthday or Christmas elves for me.

Tammy Prevost said...

I love the disclaimer!

isuckasaparent said...

Nooooooooooo!

HeaddaMarie said...

Hobby Lobby has had Christmas stuff out AND Halloween stuff out for at least a month now...Can't they just wait??

Carrie - ASassyRedhead.com said...

Oh, God. I don't have that thing at Christmas and ain't loading up with one for a birthday either.

Creepy. Pervy. Yick.

(However, I gotta say that Animal Loving Elf don't sound too bad.)

RachRiot said...

Oh, fer fuck's sake! Enough already. I gotta hand it to those two gals that came up with this felted goldmine-- I'm sure they're laughing all the way to the bank. By the way, you forgot MENSES ELF. Think about it.. he's already red and annoying- it's a no-brainer!

Karisa Tells All said...

Ugh! The Elf on a Shelf and its ilk are the main reason I could never have kids. Doesn't this company realize they are endangering the continuation of our species as more and more young adults become overwhelmed with everything involved with raising children in a post-Pinterest world??

Cherilynn said...

I am SO glad my children are too old for this stupid elf!

Bumblebee Days said...

OMG, why??? Noooo!!! That elf is never coming into my house. Although I said the same thing about Elmo and that didn't stick, so we'll see.

starnes family said...

Gender Reveal Elf = awesome.

Lizbeth Orr said...

My FB was flooded with pictures on June 25th of elves that had made a special visit to their families. If I had the free time they would have all gotten a punch in the throat!

Lucky Mama (Little Rock Mamas) said...

No, no, no. I hate those stupid elves -- my child's birthday is already stressful enough without adding one of those damn things to the mix. I refuse -- I'm drawing a line in the sand -- to be sucked into the madness. :)

meechla said...

Love this! For the young girl on her first period - welcome to years of cramps and bloating kid!

Lisa said...

The craft stores I will cut some slack to on the Christmas stuff. For people who make stuff to sell at Craft Fairs in the Fall, the crafting kicks into high gear at the end of Summer and when the kiddos go back to school!

Kyla @ Mommys Weird said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

RaeLeah said...

Hobby Lobby is already decked for Christmas.

HouseTalkN Rossow said...

NOOOOOOO! End times are near.

Stacie said...

Just at Hobby Lobby. There are countless aisles already dedicated to Christmas...countless!!! I'm sorry...I'm from the Midwest. I can't shop for Christmas decorations when it's 95 f*cking degrees out.

Kimberly said...

he could bring her chocolate and Midol.

Bibby said...

I have to say it, how about funeral elf, Aunt Mabel's wake isn't complete without him.

meechla said...

Does he come with a special urn?

Sammy said...

Marital Discontent Elf - equipped with a 'nanny-cam' and a mess of self help books.

Super Bowl Elf attired in your fav NFL uniform.

First Car Elf - He hangs on the mirror and has a 'pleasant' pine or lemon scent. Deluxe model also has a breathalizer and nanny cam.

TNMom said...

Back to School Elf? (in a borring school uniform)
Tooth Fairy Elf? (he brings cash - awwww yeah...)

I love the days of the week panties, so I am down with the elves...NO.
Hilarious post Jen! <3 Devan

TNMom said...

Boring even... ::rolling eyes::

Chris Dean said...

Last year my daughter and I scoured the stores looking for a last-minute elf. Alas, all sold out. Which was heartbreaking since we had a whole series of poses and locations lined up for Elf Without a Shelf, the homeless Elf nobody wanted.
Probably for the best, what with copyrights and all...

Lori Wescott said...

A couple other suggestions:
1. You got your first period Elf
2. Surprise, I'm Gay! Elf
Those are a couple I could get behind.
Otherwise I refuse to take part in that silliness. I refuse to buy the book, and so far, my 5 year old son doesn't know what it is. I'd rather buy him a Chucky doll.

Dana said...

Ugh to the elf. I have a new foster dog (plan to adopt as soon as hubby is on board) that eats everything....I'm waiting for Christmas time when the dog ingests the elf and leaves nothing but stuffing behind. I'll have to explain a dead elf. So, no birthday elf, going to put off the murdered elf discussion as long as I can.

Sadie K said...

Please, don't give them anymore ideas...

katia said...

It's interesting, not having grown up in North America or having participated in the whole pre/during Christmas shopping and culture this post is a total eye opener for me. I would have never perceived that creepy little guy as anything but an oversight (obviously) on someone's part - designer, manufacturer.

Your ideas were brilliant. I would trademark them and contact Ms. Carol V. Aebersold of The Elf on the Shelf. :-)

JasmineBloom said...

Hahaha how about "just because Elf... they cant even ask you why"
you are hilarious thanks for making me laugh :)
http://jasminebloombeauty.com

Shay Trashay said...

Okay, dammit, but I would have to get the Gender Reveal Elf, because that's just hilarious. Maybe they could make a small one that someone finds in the cake, like they do with those Mardi Gras cakes? And whoever finds it gets to keep the baby...wait, no, that probably wouldn't take off, would it. How about whoever finds it gets to come and change the first shitty diaper?

Jennifer said...

I think you're on to something with those 2 ideas! Love it! It could come with a tiny little tampon.

Jennifer said...

My favorite part: This is obviously not a sponsored post!

Jenna Moore said...

When I saw "Gender Reveal" elf, I was expecting something, well, different. More like "Coming Out" elf. Don't forget the Divorce Elf, Engagement Elf, New step-parent elf, Kicked the School Bully's butt Elf. Just a few I think could be fun. You know, if you're into that whole elf thing. And if you're going to have a birthday Elf, then shouldn't it be sent to all your friends to remind them to give you presents?

hugskissesandsnot.com said...

WTF??? This is insanity.
How about "Made Parole" elf?

The Winn Family said...

So happy you posted about this! And yes, Hobby Lobby puts out holiday ribbon in July. I know b/c I may or may not have purchased some. I will NOT, however, be purchasing the birthday elf.

Stacey Schantz said...

So glad my kids' birthday is Dec 18th... Stupid elf is already around for his birthday.

Sandra said...

It's not the elf's fault there are over-achieving nit wit moms out there. We have an elf. We hide him. Sometimes he does funny things that require a minimum amount of energy because I'm a working mom with no time to make a mess I have to clean up. Most of the time he's just sitting on a shelf or on top of the TV or in some other random location. My son thinks it's funny and it's become a memorable part of our Christmas tradition. You won't find me building hot air balloons out of q-tips or baking 26 dozen mini elf cookies. It's those mom's that take something simple and fun and pervert it into some crazy kind of mom-of-the-century contest that sap all of the fun out of it. Having said that, I'm not about to get a birthday elf. That makes no freaking sense at all. But it will give all those over-achieving moms something to do so they can leave me alone.

robin said...

We didn't buy into the Elf on a Shelf b.s. either. Christmas is so much fun already, with all the treats and celebrations. I'm not sure why that isn't enough for people. I saw Christmas and Halloween decorations debut simultaneously at several stores this year. Even my 8 year old thought that was wrong!

Veronica said...

Why is it that the stupid elf can be a year-round thing, but Cadbury eggs cannot? Fuck the elf. I want chocolate eggs with fondant in them!

Tracy said...

I hate that fucking elf. He's such an asshole.

Julcool said...

He could be a warning to everyone in the house that someone is pms-ing and they should head for zee hills!

Megan Fiterature said...

What about "Elf on the Potty"? Every time you potty, he celebrates!? No???? ......crickets, crickets.

amanda gavin said...

I might loose my lunch

StefK said...

Good God in Heaven. Both my daughters' birthdays are in December and STILL, NO F'ING WAY!!!!

Vanessa said...

He can put the FUN in funeral.

Elizabeth Catalano said...

The disclaimer and the gender-reveal--LOL, though at first I thought it might have to do with a coming out party!

Mosaicwench said...

I am 52 years old and had an Elf reside on the Christmas tree growing up (yes ladies, in the SIXTIES!). He is still part of my Christmas tradition, but here's the kicker, HE NEVER DID ANYTHING. He sat in the tree with the ornaments and then was stored away with the rest of the Holiday decorations.

All of our birthdays are clustered around Christmas - ain't NO WAY that creepy little elf is getting a second job at his age!

angelwbrokenwings said...

Hobby Lobby had their full blown Christmas stock out at the end of August. As of today, they have already discounted all holiday related items at 50% off.

tatooine84 said...

They have halloween cadbury eggs! I think they are called cadbury scream eggs and are green inside. I didn't actually buy one but I saw them at the gas station last week.

Rory Bore said...

I am so unsure how I feel about this darn Elf. people keep asking if they can buy one for us -- and I am all like "um...soo....yeah....no. maybe." Because the idea of creating little mischief vignettes seems fun...until about day 15 when I think the story will be "Elf got a little too close to the fire drying his mitts..."
and since birthday cakes have candles...um....no.

The Hennessey Family said...

Animal Lovers Elf...either consequence is a treat for a dog! ;) Ridiculous that this product, as well as the original, was ever made!

Susan said...

Don't they realize that some of us are trying to be lazy, half-assed moms?

Lynn said...

Hush your mouth! "Gender Reveal Elf" will become a thing and you know it! Anyone so self-absorbed they have to throw a party for friends and family to reveal the sex of their baby would see nothing wrong with a gender reveal elf. Dumbasses.

CuriousT said...

Don't let them buy it for you! My mom bought one for us - and now I hate my mom. She was visiting for Christmas and insisted on doing some of the "cute" elf things. This year she won't be here, so I'll probably just tell the kids he got hit by a bus. (Not really, but the thought makes me happy.)

Bethany ringer said...

Have you seen theses versions of the Christmas elf? http://www.babyrabies.com/2012/12/the-top-11-inappropriate-elves-2012/
Love it...

Motherfodders said...

How about MILF on the Shelf. Used to bribe your husband. Now, that could actually be something I could jump on!

http://motherfodders.blogspot.com/

Terrye Toombs said...

Where's the "Mommy & Daddy are getting a divorce Elf?" or the "Daddy accidentally backed over your dog Elf?

From Mary's Pen said...

Dude, my kids are 17 and 14, and we still do Easter baskets. lol!

People laugh at me for still writing "from santa" on a few (special, but not necessarily pricey) gifts, and for doing Easter baskets and so on, but my kids love it. I don't spend a ton of money on them, and I don't even have Pinterest, but those silly little traditions are fun for my family. That's all that matters. :)

Beth Kent said...

Oh, HE'LL no! I already have enough OAM friends doing such whimsical things with their Elfies, et. al. This just feeds their sickness. That horrid little elf must scramble his quite tiny heiny back up to the NP to service Santa. Stat!

Robin Craig said...

You are a genius!

Robin Craig said...

Bahahahaha!

Pattie Thomas said...

So fucking pissed I didn't think of this first.