People I Want to Punch in the Throat: The Unicorn and the Douchebag

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The Unicorn and the Douchebag

As you know, I'm at BlogHer this week where I'm hanging out with 5,000 fellow bloggers in NYC.  I've been having a great time catching up with many of the bloggers who I read.  BlogHer is kind of crazy.  During the day everyone is buttoned up and normal and business-like.  They pass out business cards and pimp their blogs and impress the sponsors with their abilities to hawk shit.  But when the lights go down, the freak comes out.

Last night was Sparklecorn.  THE party of BlogHer (or so I've read everywhere else).  Sparklecorn is where you see people dressed up like oversized fairies (seriously, with wings) or in cocktail dresses or in cargo pants (did you really think I'd wear a cocktail dress?).  They get loaded up and they dance like rockstars.

The centerpiece of Sparklecorn is an enormous cake in the shape of a unicorn.  When I was reading about what to expect at BlogHer, a common complaint I saw over and over again was regarding the excessive unicorn cake and how annoying it was that the organizers spent so much money on the cake and then didn't allow anyone to eat it.

Uni the Cake says "I'm delicious, but you'd never know it!"

Yup.  The cake sits there all night in a spotlight while everyone parties around it.  It did seem a bit odd.  It was especially odd because the food this weekend has absolutely sucked.  (Note to BlogHer:  appetizers are NOT dinner.)

While we partied around this flour-y unicorn, I noticed an enormous amount of men at the party.  I've heard there are several men here at the conference, but I hadn't come across too many yet.  The party was full of guys and it was weird.  It totally changed the vibe.

I arrived late and the party was in full swing.  Everyone around me was plastered and I got a lot of "I love you, mans."

I settled in for some funny people watching and I'm happy to say I was not disappointed.

I came across a reader, Jenny at Multiple Food Allergy Help and we hung out for a bit chatting about our blogs.  The party started winding down and we were ready to go when I noticed this large group of loud asshole type people hanging around Uni (yeah, I named the cake).

Suddenly, out of nowhere this completely drunk dickhead walked up to Uni and PUNCHED him in the face!!!

Yeah, this jackhole punched a cake in the head.  He punched a cake.  An innocent, happy, little unicorn cake.  Uni didn't do anything to this motherfucker and yet, he felt the need to punch him.

I will remember Uni the way he was, sparkly and yummy looking.

I couldn't believe it.  I was shocked.  The cake exploded and all of his fucked up friends cheered for him.  And then I got pissed.  I yelled, "What a douchebag!"  He actually nodded in agreement.  That proves it right there.

What a fucking moron.  What the hell, dude?  I realize that maybe you were pissed that the organizers won't let you eat Uni and you're hungry, but that's still no excuse to turn Uni into a "unicorpse"!  (Thank you, Jenny for that gem of a word.)

It's 1:30 in the fucking morning and the people working this party would like to get the fuck home and you just created a huge fucking mess because you thought it would be awesome to punch a pastry in the head.

Douchebag doesn't even cover it, you shit for brains.

56 comments:

RachRiot said...

So... what did it taste like?

Linda in TX said...

I'm telling you Jen - you have got to learn to speak up and tell us what you really think. Okay - okay I'll stop criticizing. The truth - you make me laugh so hard it's probably bad for me. Your expose on the swimmer was not to be missed. I come to your blog for all my national news. And I do love what you write! (I hope you got to taste the cake.....)

Lori said...

My heart broke a little while reading this. First for all of you that did not get to taste Uni, then for Uni.

imbogus1 said...

Maybe his way of showing how envious he was of the big horn! Probably a dickless douche canoe!

Wordchazer said...

What a *whistles*! I trust he was charged:

a) the full cost of the clean up
b) with wanton destruction by New York's finest

Anonymous said...

Oh for chrissakes! Who lets boys into "blogHER"? That's the fucking reason why you shouldn't. Right there. What a dick! H from BOS

Mandy Rider said...

I'm so glad I wasn't drinking anything. I tend to laugh inappropriately and I wan't expecting the douche bag to punch the cake. What a dumb ass.

Delfin Joaquin Paris III said...

As one of the few guy bloggers here at BlogHer, and as the official Balloonicorn for Sparklecorn, I can say that it was definitely not me who punched the cake. In fact, I didn't even get to eat it, which I blame on animal racism.

punkymama.com said...

Hi It's me Jo-Ann from Philly, you know the tattooed super weird fangirl with Jen this AM. I told you I commented and I have to say I am SUPER glad I left before the dickheads arrived!
Sitting on the floor and chatting with folks in a quiet spot was WAYYYY more fun

Elisabeth said...

This post made my night! I was laughing so hard I was crying. The way you described the event, I will never be able to look at unicorns the same way again. (yea right, when will I see another unicorn!)

Marcella said...

Nothing says "I'm a hardcore ninja" like kicking a cake's ass. I bet that is a real panty-dropper.

Kyla@Mommy's Weird said...

HE PUNCHED IT. Okay, he is a douche. But, I bet it felt awesome.

Leigh Ann said...

Why were there so many dudes there, I wonder?

Susan Thatcher said...

(Did he punch it in the throat?) If you were going to punch that guy in the throat, you'd have to reach up his ass to do it.

Submommy said...

Susan wins "comment of the night."

Tazi-Kat said...

Agreed!

Tazi-Kat said...

When they would not let you eat it, I thought maybe they were using an old baker's/decorator's secret: burn the cake to a crisp so it will not mold, frost it (because frosting is just sugar and will only harden, not rot) and re-use the same cake year after year as a cool display! Sorry to hear this was not the fact.

Lisa Tognola said...

Leave it to me to miss all the action (although I did nearly wrestle a woman over a chair. . .) Great to meet you at Blogher. Tweet soon!

Cynthia said...

I still don't understand the not-eating part and thought that maybe it was going to end with the dudes attacking Uni and eating him, but what's with the punching? Maybe BlogHer will learn their lesson and not let dudes in next year.

Currywag said...

Or they could just serve the cake so there is nothing to punch.

Happy Little Feet said...

Hilarious I loved the photo of your award

Anonymous said...

Reading this was a sheer waste of brain cells. Thanks.

Jen Piwtpitt said...

The title was the Unicorn and the Douchebag. What did you really expect, asshat? Next time check the title before you "waste" those brain cells.

Jen Piwtpitt said...

It was tragic all around.

Jen Piwtpitt said...

I'm glad to hear it wasn't you.

Dvora Koelling said...

I think we found the culprit! ;)
I missed Blogher due to a bad cold (I thought maybe sneezing all over other bloggers would NOT be a good way of making friends). So sorry to have missed this excitement. And to have missed the weird agony of dancing my heart out around a huge My Little Pony pastry. I guess there is always next year. :)

mod mom beyond indiedom said...

That was one hell of a party. You know what? I didn't even realize it was a cake. Disappointed that our paths never crossed Jen. But then there were nearly 5000 people at this thing and I think 4999 of them were at that party. Congratulations on being chosen as one of the Voices of the Year!

Christie said...

Could you imagine the throwdown if this idiot ran across a couple of Bronies??

What's a "Brony" you ask?? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Little_Pony:_Friendship_Is_Magic_fandom

Lisa Nelsen-Woods said...

I left the party before Uni was tragically killed in the prime of his or her sparkly unicorn life. I hoped someone stepped on the puncher's neck. What a way to ruin the party for everyone!

John said...

I completely missed that someone punched the cake at Sparklecorn! I left a little early . . . but, when a douchebag is mentioned from a party that I attended, well, I expect that douchebag to be me.

Damn.

Anonymous said...

Someone must know who the puncher was. Come on. Name and shame.

Anonymous said...

The puncher was Sweetney's boyfriend Charlie (Everyman Kitchen). You're welcome.

Jenn Kitty said...

:( Poor unicorn. I was there, along with my friend Kylie, though we must have left before this happened, because seriously, even though we sorta tottered out, that unicorn was still in ONE piece when we left. Assholes.

Delfin Joaquin Paris III said...

Since I'm not a douche who posts links to his crap on someone else's site, if you'd like to see me as the balloonicorn, click on my name and scroll down a few.

How did we not meet?

Anonymous said...

Thank you. This isn't some random fuck. It's a tradition to defile the poor innocent unicorn cake. It has happened every year. And there are always MANY pictures and yet people still get all party pooper about it.

Anonymous said...

The cake was served much earlier in the night. The cake punching happened after the lights were up and the party was over, and the leftover cake was just remnants and mostly form pieces comprising the body of the cake. The cake arrived totally late and looked ready to fall over all night. At the end of the party the organizer's boyfriend punched it. No one had their panties in a wad about it. Except you apparently. Most of us thought it was funny.

Miranda said...

So, this is supposed to be satire, right? The cake is destroyed every year. That's at least half the fun of the party.

TechyDad said...

I don't think you can blame all guys for the actions of one guy who clearly either a) had too much to drink or b) is an idiot drunk or sober.

I went to BlogHer in 2010 and had a great time. I wasn't rude to anyone and definitely didn't punch any cakes. If they find proof of the specific guy who did this (and comments lower seem to indicate people know who did it), that guy should be banned from BlogHer. Not because he's a man, though, but because of his actions. If a woman had pushed over the cake, I'd expect her to be banned but wouldn't declare that all women should be banished from BlogHer.

TechyDad said...

Replying to my own comment, but...

Some other comments indicate that destroying the cake is a tradition. If this is so and it was planned, ok. (Though I went to Sparklecorn, parties aren't my thing and I left way before closing time. If the cake was destroyed at the end of Sparklecorn 2010, I didn't see it.)

If it wasn't planned and was just some guy being an idiot, my "ban that guy" statement stands.

Either way, though, the solution to this isn't to ban all men from BlogHer.

Anonymous said...

Yes, because all men are FUCKING IDIOTS. You're a fucking idiot.

Anonymous said...

I'm happy for you, Imma let you finish. Imma let you finish. But GOMI has a better DOUCHEBAGGY WEBSITE about nothing with horrible grammar and quaint little, vain sayings than you do.

Anonymous said...

Get a clue. I've never been and I've known about this "tradition."

Know who else needs a punch? People who use two spaces after a period.

Mommy Reporter said...

Oh my gosh... you couldn't have said it any better!!! This is a dumb tradition and this is the first I heard of it too.

Ellen said...

Maybe DB was upset because the party was 40 friggin minutes late to start, ostensibly because the unicorn was ready. I wish I had been the one to punch him after all that.

Tanya said...

There is a difference between men and boys. Men, which are a rare find, actually act responsibly and think about others. Boys can be any age, but when they are over 12, their behavior is idiotic. And seeing as they are more abundant then Men, it is safe to say that Boys are fucking idiots.

Tanya said...

Wow. So, the people who use two spaces after a period need a punch? Why is that? Is it because it is too hard for you to read it that way? Is it because we are wasting a valuable resource of electronic spacing? I don't get this comment at all. I use two spaces after a period because it is proper grammar and it was how I was taught to type. I apologize if it is too hard for you to follow this reply.

Anonymous said...

Hi Charlie!

Anonymous said...

How are your kids, Charlie? As in the ones made from YOUR sperm, not Sweetney's daughter.

Anonymous said...

Okay if wrecking the cake is a tradition, how come the Hilton got pissed off at them and wouldn't serve them and Heather Barmore tweeted that nobody "planned" to wreck the cake?

Heather Barmore ‏@HeatherBarmore
No one knocked the Sparklecorn cake over on purpose. So to tell us that we "can't behave" is rather insulting @hiltonnewyork #blogher12

Anonymous said...

This IS Heather's 7th BlogHer after all. You'd think she'd have noticed everyone wrecking the cake other years.

The Empress said...

So ridiculously sad, immature, and sad.

Were all the men suddenly there? I only noticed a very few during panels, presentations.

OldDogNewTits said...

I think I tasted it. I can't really remember. Is that a bad sign? I didn't even realize that it was cake until late in the evening. Again, things are kinda blurry. Although I can't imagine why. :)

The thread has gotten a little nasty so I'll get all Pollyanna on your ass and just say it was very nice meeting you at the bar Saturday night. And I'll certainly be looking for more Elf and cake/pinata stories in the future. Keep in touch.

Morgan said...

That cake was freaking delicious.

Erin @ A Girl & Her Mutt said...

Holy crap...I had no idea there was a uni punch at that party. This conjures up all kinds of evil feelings in me.

Libby Danish said...

That's like punching a kitten or puppy cake in the face. What an ass... and the best part... he nodded in agreement when you called him a douchebag!! "Why yes... Yes I am a douchebag" I'm surprised he didn't rip open his shirt, revelaing a bright blue leoatard with a big D on his chest. ugh... next time BlogHer should just Let them eat cake and keep the drunk bags of douche to a minimum

Dan said...

It is unhealthy to keep your feelings all bottled up. Don't sugarcoat it. I think you should tell us how you really feel about it.