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Suburban Moms' Endless Conversation Loop

I should know better by now.  If I leave my house I'm going to encounter people who bug me.  In the last few weeks I've left the house a lot.  I've been spending a lot of time at the pool and the movies and shopping.  I encountered so many groups of moms clustered in Target aisles, observing swimming lessons and/or waiting for a movie to start.  I could overhear their conversations and I realized they talk about the same shit.  All.  The.  Time.  It didn't matter where I was, it was just variations of the same conversation on a loop.  Here's a mash up with all the topics covered:


Mom 1:  We're trying to keep Felix engaged this summer.  It's so hard since he's in the gifted program.

Mom 2:  I know what you mean!  Even though we chose not to do the gifted program since it just seems like such a waste of their time when they're this young - we're still struggling with finding more things for Eugenie to learn about.  She's read everything the library has on organic farming, space exploration and algebra.

Mom 3:  Oooh...we're very into organic farming this summer.  We found a delightful farm just 60 miles from here where you can go and harvest you own food and pay for it by the pound.  It's such a great deal.  The kids and I spent 4 hours picking blueberries and I paid 30 dollars.  It was only 90 degrees, but we took water and it was wonderful!  I took pictures.  Do you follow me on Instagram?

Mom 2:  When did you find the time to visit the farm?  Tennis has kept me soooo busy this summer I barely have time for anything else.

Mom 1:  I know what you mean!  Alejandro is working my tail off!  Thank God, he's literally working my ass off!  I'm down a size and I need to be.  I'm such a pig this summer.  I ate ice cream twice already!

Mom 3:  It's strange.  I can't seem to keep weight on this summer.  I guess it's since I'm running around so much this summer or something.

Mom 1:  Lucky you.  I have to put in at least 2 hours a day with Alejandro and I still have to watch what I eat.

Mom 2:  Please!  You're both skinny minis.  I'm the biggest of this bunch!

Mom 3:  Are you eating gluten free?  Since I've cut wheat and processed food from our diets we've all shed weight without trying.  It's done wonders for our skin and hair too.  Look at Anastasia!  Twice this week I've been stopped in this very Target and asked if she is a model.  


Your hair does look better.  It used to be so stringy and now it's just kind of limp!

Mom 1:  Oh I know that feeling!  Zebediah has been getting that all week at his virtual reality gaming design camp.  It must be so awkward for him when complete strangers are telling him that he could model!

Mom 2:  I'm with you on that one.  That started for us back when Capri was a newborn!  She stops traffic where ever she goes. 

Mom 1:  Well, it's been great seeing both of you.  We must get together soon!

Mom 2:  Yes, we should have some time in August after we get back from our cabin in Colorado.

Mom 3:  We'd love to try and work something out.  Let me know when you two come up with a date and I'll see what we've got going on.

And they sashay out the door.

Watch the video I made of this annoying conversation!

Need something new to read? Check out my upcoming book!

134 comments:

  1. Anonymous09:23

    The only thing you forgot is how they talk shit about each other after the conversation breaks up!

    Great post.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous09:40

      hahaha very true.

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    2. Anonymous09:41

      Bingo

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    3. Anonymous09:55

      Exactly.

      This is another one for me to put down in my growing list of reasons I don't have kids. OAMs.

      Delete
    4. Anonymous09:57

      Were their nannies there too?

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    5. Anonymous10:00

      OMG!!! So true!

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    6. Anonymous16:45

      You for sure don't want to be the mom that's NOT there. Or the one that leaves first. They'll really dump on you then. Fresh fodder!

      Delete
    7. SO true! This why I only have a few friends. I just don't play well with those types of bitches.

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    8. Annnnd this is why I've left some of the mom groups I was in.

      Delete
  2. Anonymous09:36

    Wait that was you lurking around the store following us???

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  3. Check out this article...talks about this very thing - parents doing a combo boast/complain about being soooo busy with thing that dont even matter... http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/the-busy-trap/

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  4. chuckle, snort. :)

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  5. Very funny--I've heard some of that this summer, but then I usually say something about putting the kids to work in the yard and time spent in the sprinkler, which immediately starts crickets chirping and tumbleweed rolling through the room. At which point I'm forced to ask if anyone else was shocked and disturbed by the Eurotrash takeover of Bluestem, making me seriously rethink my love of the place, and then the universe is back in balance since these are things worth worrying about.

    (I actually have been told Bluestem was filled with Eurotrash--I didn't even know what to say)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I knew I liked you, Starr. My kinda mom.

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    2. A fellow JoCo Mom who thinks like me too? Can it be? Just think - one day the old fashioned hard work and letting kids "go outside" and play with the neighbor kids and do whatever their imaginations come up with (versus a planned playdate) may be back in vogue one day. You are just ahead of your time!

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    3. Amen...I usually brag about my wee one learning how to fold towels and socks (the bane of my existence)...her teacher was so excited about her learning how to braid yarn, and without thinking I responded how wonderful it would be for my three year old to start selling wallets on etsy...she looked at me kind of funny! I was proud of her, although I am kidding about putting her to work. I'd never do that before she was 5!

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  6. Conversations like this help me narrow down what area of our lovely county you hang out in. :)

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  7. Anonymous09:43

    OMG, spot on. However, it gets a little more humbling as the kids get older and start doing more annoying, disappointing and embarassing things. Suddenly, we're all a little more nervous to brag because God knows whose kid is going to screw up next!

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  8. You need to make that priceless conversation into an Xtranormal video: http://www.xtranormal.com/xnmm/landing/. HILARIOUS.

    And, for the record, I don't trust anyone who willingly gives up carbs, gulten, etc.

    HILARIOUS!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omg, you're right! And douchey dads, too! Perfect!

      Delete
    2. GREAT. IDEA.

      Delete
  9. Mary McDonough Smith09:48

    I was sitting next to one of these OAMs at the nail salon and I was about to vomit. Let's not even get into how rude it is to have a LOUD conversation while others (me!!!) are trying to chill. And yes, she brought her own polish - probably because she didn't want her royal toes using the same polish as us peasants. I really need to remember my iPod next time!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nancy M.10:00

      Hey now! I bring my own polish to the salon but because it's easier to touch up the inevitable chips. I only get pedicures a handful of times a year and it's a cheap way to extend them. LOL

      Delete
    2. I'm with Nancy; I bring my own because I am too cheap to re-do my nails more than every couple of weeks and I need the match to do touch-ups.

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    3. You should post that on Pinterest...

      Delete
  10. tiwimon09:55

    ah, moronic moms vicariously basking in the glory of their precious little crotch fruit. Excuse me while I toss up my breakfast...

    Am I the only one that thinks the world has devolved into a serious case of one upmanship?

    Reminds me of a blog I read, the article was on oppositional conversationalists (http://happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2012/06/watch-out-for-the-im-right-youre-wrong-conversation/), those that always have an opposing comment and all three moronic mommas had this conversational style. I'd rather have a root canal while getting neutered (at the same time no less) than be within earshot of conversations like that

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous13:11

      Crotch fruit...can't stop laughing! Almost spit water on my laptop, thanks!

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    2. Seriously. Crotch fruit. Best. Line. Ever. ;)

      Delete
  11. Anonymous09:59

    And...of course they have posted all of this on facebook already. What a ridiculous workout they had (with their personal trainer), how they are spending the day at the pool with the "most beautiful kids in the world", and how they will be volunteering at some event this week. OR they will self depreciate so that all their friends remind them how gorgeous/talented/toned/amazing they are in the comments. (And not just my JoCo friends- Northlanders, too!)

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  12. You need a new Target. If I ever overheard twats like that, I'd lose my mind. I honestly didn't know they were real before reading you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous10:23

      I work for Target. I assure you, they're real.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous23:28

      Best exchange ever. They are also at my Target. And my social group. Sigh.

      Delete
  13. Me,myself,and I....
    I'm usually the anti social mom standing off in the corner during my daughter's dance class so I don't have to participate in the "anything you can do I can do better" conversations lol
    *puke*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous10:45

      Bravo!! I'll be occupying the other corner :)

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    2. Anonymous21:01

      And me in the 3rd corner!

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    3. No way ladies! You occupy the same corner and laugh at those women.

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  14. I used to teach school and the conversation always revolved around what these sad sack women were cooking for dinner. A sad existence. Thank God for the Internet.

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  15. That's why when I see these women I like to say, "Can't talk-- just running into Target for * yet another* box of NIX lice treatment! Third time's the charm, right? Oh and I really should get a new Elmo doll while I'm here... because of little Dakota's chronic masturbating, she has completed ruined her old one!" "Buh bye!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This wins the internet today!

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    2. zomg ROFL...

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    3. I really needed that laugh today. I'm crying over the Elmo.

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    4. RachRiot, that was hilarious!

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  16. Anonymous10:22

    Reminds me of those Christmas letters talking about how wonderful their kids are and how successful they were this year. Just once I'd like to get a letter that tells me about "junior"'s most recent trip to rehab or how mediocre their kids' grades were.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Give me your address.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous11:41

      My cousin used to write hilarious holiday letters in response to the "perfect Life" letters. THE best letter of the season - lets you know you weren't alone! These women, are a dime a dozen. Save space in the corner for me, I promise to be antisocial :o)

      Delete
    3. Anonymous21:04

      Double ditto!

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  17. Shrug...no comment needed. I would have just simply started open-handed slapping them until they curled up in a ball on the floor.
    Recently the OAM's in my area compare their children's disorders. ADD, ADHD, SPOILED....etc.
    The absolute best one was at a recent birthday party. There were Tootsie Pops in the gift bags.
    OAM mom says to Dad. "Did you make sure they understand there is something inside the lollipop?"
    She looked at me and said, "They both have a sensory disorder. Surprises like that could cause them to both have an episode."
    Now keep in mind, they've had cake, ice cream, candy, pizza, and party games. All within the past hour, and, at a Chuck E Cheese. So if that unexpected tootsie roll filling is going to be too much for the little darlings, by all means, they should be forewarned immediately.
    She repeated "Todd...did you tell them about the filling in those lollipops".
    He turned around and looked at her like she was from another planet and said "It's a sucker..I think everything is under control".
    I don't even want to think about what their sex life is like.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous11:13

      Everyone now days claims their kid has "sensory integration disorder".
      I know a woman who said about her child, "He has sensory issues. He doesn't hit the other children to be mean. He does it because he likes the sensation on his hands."
      What a load of crap.

      Delete
    2. LOL,I so want that on one of my karate sparring shirts, "I don't hit you to be mean.I just like the sensation on my hands."
      I once had my four year old at the Chic-Fil-a play area and he was running around playing with another kid.My kid must've done something to piss that kid off because he pops his head out the door and tells his mom(pointing at my kid),"I don't like him.I'm gonna slap him."And as he turned with his arm raised,my kid slapped the shit out of him first.We had to leave soon after because the look of shock on the kid's face was sending me into a fit of laughter(I got the impression from the mom that it wasn't the first time he threatened to slap someone).

      Delete
    3. Anonymous15:28

      oh snap! that is so funny.

      Delete
    4. Anonymous19:31

      I'm in CA and know a few parents whose kids have SID and/or ODD (opposational defiance disorder)... I'm no shrink but I think those kids were just called "Asshats" when we were kids.

      Delete
    5. SID is a form of autism - a very mild form. I am an adult with SID, and can tell you that hitting others is not a symptom of one. The desire to remove your shoes and run around naked, yes; but not hitting. An SID leaves you not wanting to touch anything or anyone.

      Delete
  18. This is called the "humblebrag"

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  19. Anonymous10:48

    There was a mom in my old mommy group that ALWAYS talked about how often she was asked if her daughter was a model or it was suggested she should be. When you would give the typical "Ooh, she's so cute. Love that little outfit." she would say "Awe! Thanks! We actually get that a lot. People always ask if she's a model. Our waitress the other day told us we should get he in the industry. We are just not sure. There's a lot that goes into that and we just don't know we want to deal with that right now."
    Every time I heard her I would think your baby is 3 f'ing months old and the waitress wanted a better tip!

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  20. Wow! So glad I was able to raise three kids without being subjected to that shit. *and yes, I live in the U.S.of A.

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  21. Love it, Jen! Definitely throat-punch worthy! (Bless their insecure little hearts.) Gotta run, my kids need to be picked up from their Gifted Level Mandarin Chinese Organic Co-Op Camp (at the juvenile detention center for whiney piss ants.)

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    Replies
    1. You & I would get along so well! Thanks for the laugh.

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    2. Wait... that just makes me wish there was video footage of activity at the ol' "Gifted Level Mandarin Chinese Organic Co-Op Camp (at the juvenile detention center for whiney piss ants.)" Brilliant imagery, The Bearded Iris!

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  22. This is why I do things solo with my girls and I sit in my car during dance class. We're all about chilling and doing our own thing. Sand and water table, sprinklers, and a $7 plastic pool in the yard make for a very enjoyable summer for us. :)

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  23. Anonymous12:07

    Ugh! I thought these conversations were a way of preparing me for my afterlife. If you're tired of taking your kids places, STOP FUCKING SiIGNING THEM UP FOR SHIT!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anonymous12:10

    I think #2 is my sister-in-law! her brilliant son who reads everything and is a whiz at algebra, advanced for his age, is also an amazing guitar player and last year they built a hydroponic garden (that's gardening without dirt) in their basement for "fun." It was "so expensive but so worth it!" He learned so much and was really excited to do this project. Until she snuck in a little dirt and bred flies and spiders. oopsie. and he's just SO busy with his friends and with testing into specialized high schools blah blah blah.

    btw, I love the stupid kid names! LOL

    and this is why when I take my kids to karate, I go for a walk instead of listen to the ceaseless prattle among the moms. they're so full of themselves and their kids.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Taking my kid to karate is one of the highlights of my week.You know how there are all these kids doing what they're supposed to do and then there's that one goofball doing his own thing?Yeah,my kid is the goofball.I laugh all the time at the crazy stuff he does-like making sound effects for his punches or spinning Wonderwoman style while sparring.I swear,it's better than tv.
      His instructor pulled me aside a couple of weeks ago to tell me that he needed to train harder. I flat out told him,"You misunderstand why I bring him to karate.I just want him to run off some of that energy and I want to sit and not deal with him for 30 minutes.He's four-I don't expect him to be perfect.I expect him to be tired."

      Delete
    2. Anonymous09:08

      I totally understand where you're coming from! I bring my two to karate (they're 12 and 8) and I love it when they work them hard. I actually thank the instructor on the way out when they have a hard class!

      I do sit and watch though, because sometimes it's funny as hell. It's even better listening to one OAM talk to another mom about all these trips they've taken, activities they have planned for the summer, camps and such. While she's talking about all this, I am sitting two chairs away reading yet another article in the local paper that is updating the public on the progress of the bankruptcy proceedings for her husband's company...no joke.

      Delete
    3. Geez,that is just sad.
      After a few incredulous looks/comments to the OAM's about their kids activities,they avoid me like the plague.Now I get the "bat shit crazies" sitting next to me complaining about how their babys daddies aren't paying child support or how much longer they have to wear their ankle bracelet monitor.LOL,still highly entertaining.

      Delete
    4. Anonymous18:03

      THAT is exactly the problem in my small town,even though almost everyone is related it seems like all the women/mothers are either what I call "yuppie" bitches or "ghetto" bitches.LOL I would rather peel my own skin off than sit next to some snobby chick bragging about where her and her dickless husband took their kids for summer vacation but the alternative is to sit next to the chick whose 4 kids all have different dads and sports a perfect professional manicure every week yet complains she does not get enough food stamps.Jesus,what happened to normal moms like me? Are we extinct?

      Delete
  25. You forgot about their kids going pro in whatever sport they're in, hence the reason to keep them in 6-8 hour summer camps so they can compete. It's hard core being 8, yo!

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  26. Well, at least Chuck E. Cheese will no longer have to put up with that crap... (via Twitter) Thanks for your 35 years of service, Chuck E. Cheese, but we are going with a guitar-playing, hipper mascot: http://apne.ws/NtXrfF

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And Chuck becomes Chaz....I'm sure the chain is struggling because it's just too "ordinary" for the talented and entitled.

      Delete
  27. Humble Braggers are the worst people on the planet.

    That is all.

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  28. I hear this crap all the time too!
    drives me nuts when people brag, but they aren't outright bragging. So annoying!

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  29. I'm 6 months pregnant and thinking of good names. REALLY liked Capri...oh wait, were you joking?

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  30. Ah, the sounds of Leawood...

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  31. I was hanging out trying to get some client emails responded to this morning in the watch area at my daughters gymnastics studio. She is there 8 hours a week and has been for the last several years so I don't sit glued to the "watch window" like lots of the moms with kids in the level 1 / 2 classes. So anyway this women literally crawls in the room today and is peeking nervously at the edges of the one way glass. I thought she looked like a total moron so I said "it is one way glass, the kids can't see you." To which she launched into this full life story about how she has to leave 5 minutes after the nanny who brings her son to class and "hide out" in the watch room because he just won't participate in class if he knows she is there. This kid was all of 2 years old. He was in the gymnastics studios equivalent of Mommy and Me gymnastics. The whole point in the class is to get kids and moms playing actively together and this lunatic is hiding out in the watch room spying on her kid and her nanny!

    So of course now she wants to be my best friend. She just keeps yammering on and on about how she is sure Aiden is just having a phase and that everyone tells her it is just the terrible twos and he will grow out of it. I am normally a talkative person but this women is clearly a nutball and I am honestly trying to get some work done and am really only here because my normal Tuesday carpool moms kid had a fever. So finally she asks which child in the Mommy & Me class is mine. I assured her my kids were way past terrible 2's and mine was the girl in the purple waiting to vault.

    This is my favorite part. This pillar of mothering who can't even be bothered to attend Mommy and Me class with her own kid starts telling me how concerned she is with my daughters future health because of the high rate of orthopedic injuries young gymnasts like my daughter face.

    I love it when the novice idiots start spewing the latest parenting magazine headline drivel.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My kid has been in gymnastics 13 years now. So glad we are past the group of moms who still think their kid is going to the Olympics. Between my kids, I've sat on a lot of sidelines, and nothing is worse that the gymnastics mom.

      Delete
  32. Zebediah?!? I love your blog and your say-it-like-it-is attitude. Thanks for all the laughs.

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  33. Sounds like stuff I hear at Starbucks......

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  34. Anonymous17:07

    Crotch fruit! Perfect. It's always beautiful, handsome, genius, crotch fruit! Just got back from the neighborhood pool where an OAM went on and on and on and on about how hard it is to try and pare down her son's schedule because HE IS JUST SO GOOD AT EVERYTHING.

    I too am the mom sitting in my car, reading a book, or walking my dog during my son's extracurricular activities.

    Thanks Jen for another spot-on punch!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Punch, slap, kick, and withering look worthy - all of it.

    ReplyDelete
  36. We went to that blueberry farm and it was hotter than hell. We scared off the SoJo moms for about a five blueberry row radius. I think, but I'm not sure, it was because I kept saying, Oh Gawd Fuck it's hot out here. Seriously?!? Fuck. You gotta be kidding me. Come on kids pick what you can and hurry up. We're outta here. We can stop at Costco and pick up a pint for the same price...

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  37. Anonymous19:48

    I'm a new mom and I've just entered the Toddler Zone. With Toddler Moms, it seems to be more about how germ-conscious you are, what the kid's eating, and what "family fun" you're doing.
    "Oooh, we don't go to Publix since we had Bane. Instead we go to the Farmers Market."
    "Oooh, Stormer doesn't eat processed foods. We kill our own chickens out back."
    "Oooh, we're part of two Mommy & Me classes and Daemona is going to start Art Appreciation soon."

    And I'm the middle class schlub going: "We just shop at Wal-Mart and LO loves him some French fries, so we do a trip to McD's once a week. And ..." dramatic pause "I work, so we don't get to do activities". (one lady seriously looked at me like I was insane when I explained I couldn't do Little Gym because of my work schedule. I've never felt like such a lousy parent before).

    And all the mommies have gym memberships where they Zumba and daddies who don't change diapers. I've never seen the inside of a gym and my husband is a pro at diaper changing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The SAHMs in our old neighborhood sent their kids to our house when we got home - little pity party of my kids who don't get to play all day because they go to daycare. What, do you think they keep the kids in solitary all day? My kids were exhausted at the end of the day.

      Delete
  38. hahah! guilty!! travel soccer mom checking in!

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    Replies
    1. I'm a travel soccer mom, too, but we don't roll like that. Our kids lose more than 50% of their matches, and they just keep chugging along, chins up. They'll be down 5-0, score one goal at the end, and come screaming to the sideline like they just won the World Cup. It's hysterical!

      Delete
  39. Imagine if you live in Southern California. Take that, multiply time a bajillion and before you know it, you're on your way to a homicidal rampage.

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  40. I think every single one of you needs to come live by me!! I fucking hate Seattle people in general, it's so much competition, in that awful passive aggressive way. Come be my neighbor and we can neglect our children and drink wine, and bitch about everyone else :)

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  41. Ladies - can you ALL be my neighbors? Can our kids grow up doing stupid/awesome things together while we sit on the porch with a beer and laugh?

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  42. Screw them. My summer home is in MIlan, bitches.

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  43. Need to include that when Mom #4 walks away they tear her a new asshole.

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  44. Anonymous20:43

    I don't know what is funnier - the post or some of the comments above! These are the women in Target who are in the middle of the damn isle I want to go down too and ignoring the fact that I am standing there not at all interested in THEM, I just want them to move their OAM asses! I am a real Mom with real kids who has REAL things to do, little time to talk or brag about them! And yes, I often think of running them over with the cart because THEY are the ones, if alone, never look where they are going and expect you to look out for them! Sigh!

    ReplyDelete
  45. I am so glad my kid is 21. Moms with 21 one year olds just bitch about how much college costs ($75 for a TEXTBOOK?) and rejoice that they don't see their kids everyday! There is a light at the end of the tunnel, ladies!

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    Replies
    1. Oh, I don't know about that. I was an aisle away from 2 ridiculous moms of college kids AT TARGET and they would NOT STFU with the I Can Top You advice giving. They were so loud and so annoying that it was a blessed relief when the first had to leave. Heard the 2nd one giving the cashier an earful about how wonderful her daughter is. I'm so sure the cashier cared. With some people it never stops. It only becomes about grandchildren.

      Delete
  46. Anonymous22:31

    Complaining to Brag...classic. Where is my gun???

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  47. Oh, I just happened to have sort of this conversation last week. "We're moving them to a bi-lingual charter school because they just weren't being CHALLENGED enough at the REGULAR school."

    I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. I am a college-level tutor. I tutor (and sometimes end up teaching) Biology, Chemistry, and higher Math (feel free to hate on me, I practically failed all this stuff in high school so I know how hard it can be to learn it!). When a parent says their child is not being "challenged" enough it means their kid is flunking miserably. They blame the child's poor grades on boredom because the work is too easy for their precious genius. After 12 years of this bullshit (13, if you count kindergarten) the kid is convinced s/he is the next Albert Einstein and that it is the teacher's fault that they just can't learn. I want a business-card sized "Punch in the Throat" card to hand them, with a spot to write the reason for it on the back. I'd give it to them (instead of my actual business card) to give to their parents for raising such a douche!

      Delete
  48. mom of 501:12

    Reading this made me want to throat punch myself! Sounds like some of my family .. this is why I'm the black sheep.

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  49. I'm a suburban mom myself and have wanted to strangle my peers countless times over inane, self-serving conversations like these. I'm the outlier who eats ice cream and kids watch TV & play video games all summer, dreaming of punching these women in the throat.

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    Replies
    1. When she said one of the moms said she'd had ice cream twice this summer, I thought, shoot, sometimes I have ice cream twice on the same day - before noon!

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    2. Hooray for TV, video games and ice cream!

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  50. Jenn, I love your blog, especially this post. And what makes me laugh all over again is everyone's comments. Thanks for making me feel less alone, Jenn & The Jennettes.

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  51. You read my mind. This is why I have a love/hate relationship with the ONE activity we do every summer - swim team. While the kids swim, it seems that the moms have to sit and talk about what they AREN'T getting done or what they are TRYING to get done. I'm guilty of it, too. But I won't be any more!

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  52. Lol... My friends and my conversations are soooo much different. Looking forward to your next post!

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  53. You got it. Exactly right.

    Cannot even listen to this stuff.

    Why I turned to the internet for friends.

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  54. So funny! For the love of God, let's find something else to talk about!!

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  55. Recently I heard:

    "My neighbor is a first grade teacher. She told me to make sure Lance doesn't read all summer, or otherwise he'll just get too advanced and there will be no point of first grade for him."

    No. No teacher would say that. Ever. Shut up.

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  56. Anonymous17:51

    I new to this blog but I also have that love hate relationship with swim team. This year we joined a new pool so I took a different attitude. I became the volunteer mom. I handled all the timer, stroke and turn, and scorekeeper sign ups. I also created a whole list of other misc jobs. I had the best year ever. Whenever anyone came up to "share" I reached for my volunteer clip board. They all ran for cover. I almost never heard their stories about their super fantastic olympic bound kids. Sweet silence.

    Also thanks for this blog. I thought I was the only mom who swims during my kids swim practice because " You can't hear the other moms when you are under water"

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  57. My daughter takes ballet. I talk to none of the moms for all the reasons you stated. She's always after me to get into their group, but I told her I have way too many friends and have to cull the herd.

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  58. Anonymous23:00

    All I can say is THANK YOU for this post, and for all the comments!!! There are still sane people in the world after all! I read that "Too Busy" article, and it's true that we've slipped into this new normal of this pace. I feel like i'm trying to choke down a chicken bone in "planning the summer" activities. I think there's a good reason why I can't stomach a lot of these types of conversations and topics, and it's because it's BS! Since when is ice cream the enemy?! Barf!!

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  59. Anonymous13:05

    I don't like humblebraggers and I do believe kids need the gift of boredom. However, being gluten free is amazing! I'd shout that from the rooftops.

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  60. Tell me you've read this piece by the Bloggess. Yours reminded me of it. Both hilarious. http://thestir.cafemom.com/baby/114390/Lesson_Eight_Im_Judging_You

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  61. Just a few days ago I "mom blocked" a friends, friend.

    I could tell she was getting all comfortable with me while she was laughing and leaning in to see what I was going to say next.

    So, to keep her from having any fantasies that she should go home and try to Facebook friend me I yelled out of the window of my car to our mutual friend, "I washed your pasties and I will leave them on your porch."

    I mean, MY FRIEND knows I am kidding and the other mom, (from what my friend told me the next day) was speechless and shuffled off to her minivan.

    Hey, my friends should thank me if her friend never talkes to her again.

    I figure I probably did "friends-friend" husband a favor too. She probably didn't go home and cozy up to her laptop and try to internet stalk me. Hell, he might have even got lucky, if she ever warms up past REPTILE.

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  62. Anonymous16:29

    Topics I have overheard this week: organic farming - check, gifted kids - check, gorgeous children - check. You have it down to a science!

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  63. Anonymous13:51

    can we please add "cheer" camp to the list? "I almost wish Prissy hadn't made the elite team. The camps are sooo expensive. And don't get me started on the uniforms! I hope she doesn't grow out of it since she is only 8. I really hope I can make the schedules work with travel soccer"

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    1. My daughter and I are bad about laughing at the cheer girls. "Up V, Down V, T" and then all the girls are shaking their arms and whining about how much it hurts.

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    2. You and your daughter sound like a couple of jerks to be punched in the throat mommykinz. You have your kids in several sports but then teach your daughter to laugh at cheerleaders? Hypocrites are not any better than the mothers you keep complaining about.

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  64. I guess it depends on the circle of moms you run with. My mommy friends and I talk about how all the shit we see on Pinterest never turns out for us, and how to sneak booze into the Little League games to make watching our kids lose game after game a little more tolerable.

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  65. Watch Amy Schumer's skit on women talking http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzlvDV3mpZw

    sooooo funny and so not OP

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  66. OMG...I'm guilty of the "busy, busy, busy" rants...self throat punching commences NOW!

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  67. OMG kill those bitches. so annoying. u should have punched them all in the throat.

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  68. I sat by a woman at a nail salon who spent the entire time telling me about the success and outward beauty of her children. She also mentioned how lucky she was to not need make up. She said she looked this good naturally. God bless her confidence. I didn't see it.

    The next time I was at the nail salon, I sat by an older mom who ended up sharing her struggles with raising her chronically ill son. I have a sick son too. It was encouragement I didn't see coming.

    I thought about those two women and wondered why some people try so hard to impress. Doing so almost always results in being unimpressive.

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  69. When my daughter was 3, we had a neighbor with a child born the day before. I worked, she didn't. Sent her kid child over every day as soon as we pulled in the driveway, because my poor child had to go to daycare all day and didn't get to play. Also ran over regularly to give me updates on her child's reading progress, to the point that I really did start to stress that my (first) kid could be behind. They moved before 1st grade. In 2nd grade, our township tests for the gifted program. My child was selected. I ran into her in Target and mentioned they would be in the same class the next year - assuming her braniac was in the class. She just snapped, "She doesn't test well," and high tailed it out of there.

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    Replies
    1. "sent her kid over every day as soon as we pulled in the driveway" ...so she could drink for an hour before her husband came home :)

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  70. Seems to me there must be something akin to a coat check-in for brains at the maternity wards. The saddest thing about this is that these women spend half of their lives turning themselves upside-down and inside-out for the sake of raising a bunch of self-entitled, egotistical morons who will eventually send them into oblivion because nobody, even their mom, is good enough for them. They neglect their husbands, their friends (not themselves, of course because God forbid they gain five pounds in the hips) and then wonder why in the hell their husbands had the gall to cheat on them/leave them. And when their children stick them in a nursing home because they can't be bothered, they will wonder why... and they will never know.

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    Replies
    1. a-freakin' men. i just wrote this as a reply to the people at mr. kerrie's work who think we must pay for every shit our kids take in their lives: http://www.bubblews.com/news/4554649-your-kids-need-to-struggle

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  71. OMG yes! The I'm so busy, my child is so much better than your child conversation. All makes in sticky sweet fake-ness. Fuck that. I am who I am. Deal with it. I'm so glad my friends and I are so awesome we don't brag about how awesome and gifted our kids obviously are. ;)

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    Replies
    1. Should have said "masked in sticky sweet" not "makes". lol

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  72. There's a weird variant of this conversation when moms who's kids are at the same school meet up. They must speak only of the school. Nothing but the school. Concerns, teachers, gossip, classrooms, decision making, future school plans. Your face must never not have that open concerned expression as they discuss that little ZuZu spent all day in a swimsuit last week and it just made her CRAZY.
    Since at swim class no one else has a child in my child's school, it's annoying. I'm starting to be concerned that my wish for them all to be swarmed with bees might actually happen.

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  73. Shoot me. My BFF and I talk about building our businesses and me writing my ebooks and how to homeschool my 5 kids and not screw them all up. I must get out of the suburbs now.

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  74. My favorite line is "but we took water and it was wonderful!" LOL!!!!!!!

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  75. Ah, the humble brag in the worst form. I know this well. I just witnessed a convo like this. Glad I'm not the only one rolling my eyes.

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