Douchey Dads

I was attending an auction at a chic country club and  I arrived early to help the organizers set up and I was surprised to find the bar full of young, well dressed (if you can call expensive plaid shorts well dressed), golf playing, thousands of dollars a year for dues paying men sitting around drinking and yukking it up.  I wanted to say, "Hey...where do you guys work that you can spend half of a Tuesday golfing at this expensive club?"  (I also wanted to hand all of them my real estate business card, because these guys look like the type who might need a good divorce attorney and Realtor in their Rolodex's at all times.)


I started setting up tables, but I just couldn't control my irritation at these guys.  Everything about them rubbed me the wrong way.  Their stupid plaid shorts, their expensive drinks and the yukking. God, the yukking.  I've never heard laughter that was so phony and so forced.  It sounded like a combination of sea lions and parrots barking at each other.


Who are these guys?  I wondered.  I've never seen anything like them.  Most dads I know are either jocky or goofy.  Most dads I know only take off work this early if it's a family emergency or their child is in a performance at school.  And then I realized.  I know who they are.

They're the husbands of the overachieving moms.  They're the Douchey Dads.  Their time spent at the "cluuubbbb" (you gotta stretch it out when you read it) enables and/or forces the OAMs to create memories, because the Douchey Dad is missing everything, but his golf game is ah-May-zing!  The OAM needs a scrapbook for each month so she can show Douchey Dad what she and the kids do all day while he's bringing home the bacon and frying it up on golf course.

Their status as Douchey Dads was confirmed to me a few minutes later when one DD stepped out of the bar to take a call.  He didn't want to disrupt his cronies, so instead he stepped right into the middle of the room where we were working.  Yeah, don't mind us.  Keep acting like you own the joint and we just work here, dick.  

"Hello?"  he answered with a deep, professional voice that said I'm a businessman doing important work, not sitting in the bar at the cluuubbbb in the middle of the day.  Immediately his voice changed and went straight to an accent I've never had the pleasure of hearing before.  I will call it the "ritzy suburban golf club voice."  It's like the Dolce moms' voices only just slightly deeper, but with just as much affectation.  This voice makes the Dolce moms' voices sound human.  This voice made me want to scream at him:  "No one actually sounds like that, you dumbass."

Instead of screaming, I went silent, though so I could listen to his whole conversation and share it with you now:

"Heyyyy, Champ!  How are you, Buddy?  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Mmm hmm," he droned on and checked his fingernails (Truly!  Like a bad movie!).  "Wait," he looked up from his manicure.  Something had caught his attention and now he was listening closely.  I thought maybe Champ/Buddy was hurt and calling for help.  "What did you just say?  You did?  You lost a tooth?  At school?  How did that happen?  The nurse just pulled it out?  Wow.  With her fingers or something?  That's unbelievable.  Which one?  A bottom one? Wow, Champ.  You must feel incredible!  Hey, Buddy?  Let me talk to mom, OK?"

He was completely in my way at this point, so I asked him to move.  He sidestepped six inches.  Obviously Tooth-a-geddon was far more important than what I was trying to do.  Thanks, asshat.  Now I don't feel so bad that I'm going to document your idiotic conversation for the ages.  

"Hey, Baby.  (Champ and Baby.  I wonder what his name is?  Stud?)  First tooth, huh?  How are you doing?  (I'm a wreck, Stud.  You know I'm going to need Botox.  Once your kids start losing teeth, that forehead wrinkle firms up and becomes permanent.  Bitsy told me and I totally believe her.)  So the tooth fairy comes tonight, huh?  Are you ready?  (Of course I'm ready, Stud.  I'm a good mother.)   I mean, do you have everything for what you wanted to do?   (I don't leave anything to chance.  I've been ready for this night since he turned 3.)   Right.  Right.  No, no, no.  Of course you're ready.  Do you have time?  (There's never enough time, Stud.  I'll need at least 3 hours just to work on lighting so I can get great photos and set the mood.  I'll need to make the tooth fairy punch and choose between his 6 tooth fairy pillows I've bought over the years.  I'll need to change his sheets, because right now he has tacky ones on there and I want the ones that complements his bedspread.  Of course, some things like the fairy dust will have to wait until he's asleep.  It's going to be a long night and I could use a little help.)   Oh, OK.  Well, I could come and get him and take him out for dinner while you get your tooth fairy business done.  I could be done here in a couple hours.  OK, I'll see you then.  Oh wait, hey Baby....?"

He touched some of our auction items and pretended to look closely at a gift card for an all you can eat buffet that he's probably never set foot in.  He was having some kind of internal struggle I could tell.  He wanted to ask something, but now he was afraid.  "How does it look?  Honestly.  We have that photo shoot with my family this weekend.  Does he look OK?"

It struck me.  No wonder this DD spends so much time at the cluuubbbb bar in the middle of the day.  He was raised by an OAM and a Douchey Dad and now he's just repeating that vicious cycle.  He's afraid to tell his OAM wife the fear he has of telling his own OAM that his kid might ruin her perfect family photo - actually, I think these types of people call them "portraits."  It was (almost) unbearable to watch (and eavesdrop on), but I managed.  "Right.  Right.  No, you're right.  I'm sure it's adorable.  But...I should probably call my mother...and, y'know...warn her."

Stop the cycle!  There should be a telethon for these people!

Here is the response post from the Hubs.  Douchey Dads revisited. 

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244 comments:

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My Daily Jenn-ism said...

I just want to let you know I thought about you & laughed several times yesterday while "down the shore" (as we call it in Jersey). While I was strolling the boardwalk & going on rides with the kiddies there were "clusters" of DD's EVERYWHERE. Golf shirts, perfectly coiffed hair, not participating - just talking amongst themselves and guarding strollers & large suitcase like backpacks (not diaper bags). I never noticed these things before your post, lol...

Also, as an UAM - I've forgotten the tooth fairy several times & had to elbow hubby to quick go in the room and throw a couple bucks under the bed and tell our daughter to go back & look again, she must have moved too much and the money fell off the bed (she likes the under the pillow thing).

Keep the funnies coming :)

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry I missed this earlier in the week! I saw a few OAM and DDs yesterday at A Day Out With Thomas. Who wears $2000 boots to something like this then complains that there is dirt everywhere? The DDs were talking about nothing then doing the fake rich guy laugh. It was quite entertaining for me but sad for the kids...and mine who kept having his trains taken by these DD and OAMs in training.

Jen, you are amazing! Anyone who complained are just angry that their world has been exposed. Jealousy has nothing to do with it, it is more like pity and fascination.

Anonymous said...

I would say that this isn't one of your better posts--seemed a bit "jealousy" and mean-spirited. For some reason when you write about OAM, it doesn't seem as bad. Maybe because you exaggerate more?? I don't know. Can't really figure out what's wrong with hanging out at the club with friends...and I'm sure he didn't intentionally talk on the phone in "your" space. I think a lot of people have chips on their shoulders toward those who belong to clubs. Honestly, we just like a place for our kids to swim, for me to play tennis and for my husband to golf--I see so many kids and parents spend so much of their time indoors and on the computer that we just want another place in our lives to be outside. Also, I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. So many of my friends and their husbands who happen to belong to clubs are also dealing with family members who are sick, etc. Hang in there....guess it was hard for me to really understand why you called this guy a "douchey dad." This was the first time your blog made me feel uncomfortable--almost like reverse discrimination or something. Also, I wouldn't have your hubs write--he's too defensive or something...a real turn-off.

Anonymous said...

Hey Douchey wife...I don't have to turn you on...just my wife. Also, don't defend your douchey dad husband. Just because he left you and the kids at home to waste time with his buddies, don't be mad at us. I hope you send your douchey friends and their wives to read. Maybe they will learn something. The Hubs.

Anonymous said...

Overheard at work this week - Non-DD "I am outa here, I need to pick up the kids" Reply from DD "That's what wives are for"

OMG!!! Seriously??

Anonymous said...

I absolutely love this comment so much. People take this stuff too seriously and analyze it till its not funny anymore. Buzzkills.

Anonymous said...

Emo kids are a whole other kind of douche. Better to be a computer nerd who hates sports and loves online games. At least they don't dress up for attention while claiming that they don't want attention.

The Blogger said...

classic, boring, and so very predictable/tired setup of the working class hero who is so street wise vs the rich person that is clueless/rude/dumb. It's the basic plot/story line of so many movies and tv shows. c'mon, it's weak sauce.

since you already have the throat punch thing covered, i'll say that you're one of the type of people i'd want to drop-kick in the spine. If you can't figure that out then....something.

woo hoooooooo

Anonymous said...

(Douchey Dads) - (the penis) = Ladies who lunch

Anonymous said...

Wow, the author is one bitter cunt. Hope she gets golf club stuffed up her twat.

Blondie McBaffled said...

Jenn, I've been in the legal profession for most of my adult life, and the man you described sounds like 95% of the Attorneys I know. Sometimes I want to scream at them and tell them "Take your freaking tie off" metaphorically speaking. It's like they have no idea how to be a real human being and hold a genuine conversation; always playing this role. It's maddening. Great post.

Jessica Leonard said...

LOL! I like how all the pissed off people post their comments anonymously. I have to admit... I'm guilty of being a tad OAM on occasion and my sister says the visor I wear is douchey. I am lucky enough to have a sister to call me out on my behavior. Everyone should be so lucky. Funny stuff! I love your husband's response! Chill out people.

Anonymous said...

Holy cow! Laughed so hard I know, have lived in neighborhoods with & unfortunately used to be married to one - DDs. You hit it square on the head! Love your blog.

Kristie Pennington said...

I don't know why people think your blog is so funny. I find it just downright mean and very judgemental. Guess it's not for everyone.

Anonymous said...

Coffee: all over the computer
Eyes: filled with tears from laughter
Me: fucking privileged to call you friend!

Jersey McDermids said...

we tell the kids that the tooth fairy is a man, they sometimes forget more than mom's do. My hub is more than happy to play along and let Mum be "super Mum", as a SAHM I enforce the rules and am too often the bad guy. And we both forget the tooth fairy all the time!

Anonymous said...

NW Arkansas girl here and yes, these guys are all over the place here. It must be an epidemic or something. Stop the douchiness!

Julie said...

I literally just read this with my jaw hanging wide open. Seriously, you cannot make this stuff up!!!

Robert Harris said...

Somewhere these articles went from being funny to just being mean. And I get that the article may be addressing a "type of dad" more so than a particular person but none of this stuff, in a vacumm, makes the guy sound like a douche...it just makes the person writing it sound petty. If this was my introduction to your page, it would be my last...same for the Gwyneth Paltrow lash out. It all seems so petty.

Anonymous said...

I am in Nashville. I work with attorneys and politicians, and 98% (low ball) of them are DDs.

Anonymous said...

Wow. It's funny how defensive people get over someone else's OPINION (referring to the comments here).
If you're happy with your life and choices, I doubt you're going to feel the need to write lengthy responses in here defending yourself and slamming the author for a funny take on a situation. I think you'd just click on by to another page & go back to enjoying your happy life :)
Just sayin'...

Steph said...

My daughter lost a tooth on the morning of my brother's wedding. The tooth fairy was too drunk that night to remember :-O
So the next morning, "Grandpa" tooth fairy gave her $10! I wanted to kill him lol

holycarp said...

Nope nope nope. I respectfully (or not so much) disagree with your dissenters. Now, I'm a girl who likes to throw around the c-word, but only when it's really really necessary. The guy who called you one? Talk about people who need a punch in the throat.
ANYWAY. Love this. Agree with the hubs. The people who are perturbed by this posting are probably married to DDs. Poor things.

Lucy Correia said...

That's funny that you never picked up on the pure hilarity of what Jen calls her kids. Wow!

a said...

Late to the par-tay:
Many, many men like those mentioned in the original post are omnipresent across the country.

When I was younger, my sister and I worked in catering and at lofty golf courses.
I will not be able to fully express how many of these married d-bags gave her their numbers, played grab ass, or worse. Cornered near bathrooms, at bar employee doors, even out to our cars. It stopped when we stopped working at these places. Being a server or even a manager at these places does not make YOU d-bags better than us, nor does it mean you get to act any way you want and treat the people who bring your food like geishas or your private hooker pool.
I will remind any d-bag who happen to read this and think they are in the clear: WE MAKE YOUR FOOD AND DRINKS.THINK ABOUT THAT PRIOR TO BEING AN ASSHAT. I TOUCH YOUR FOOD ASSHOLE.
They are breeding places, watering holes for d-baggertons, and they are so busy showing off and being horrid, that all you can do is avoid them.

Shep said...

Hey, thespotts - former English major with an MFA in creative writing, here. Both "judgment" and "judgement" are correct, so can it. Have a nice day.

Amanda Dearest said...

I had a manager who transferred in to our company who matched this description to a tee. Turned out he was a super creep, physically assaulted and sexually harrassed me all at the same time, then threatened suicide when my bosses tried to fire him for it. Douche Dad. Douche Husband. Fucking Douche Manager.

Carrie - ASassyRedhead.com said...

I WORK WITH THOSE DOUCHEY DADS!

Well, not THOSE Douchey Dads, but those douche dads!

OMG, my life just got a little better because I swore it HAD to be only me that hated this shit and got a ball of bile in her throat everytime I had to hear about a golf game or a luncheon or some crap like that.

God I'm gonna sleep good tonight.

Heather Sanford said...

Oh I love this and her husband's response is fantastic...living in SC I see this mess too and it's seriously laughable.

Jesy said...

They live in Holliston and Sherbourne too! I see a lot of OAMs, but only a handful of DDs in that area. The OAMs drive me bananas, they try way to hard to impress and show off to the other Moms. However, my oldest boy is friends w/ a lot of their kids, so I just shrug and be kind.

Melinda Erwin said...

Totally sounds like something you'd see on "Southern Charm".

Anonymous said...

Oh, lord, it is a well known fact that I am THE WORST tooth fairy ever. I have written letters, made excuses b/c of thunderstorms, the cat scared her away.... you name it...The kids always get their money, just nearly never the night they lose their tooth. My oldest doesn't even believe anymore, I should just hand him a dollar and be done with it, right?

Lola Vidal said...

Not a telethon - they already have all the Benjamins they need - an INTERVENTION. With appropriate accoutrements i.e. billy-clubs, rope and a Delta 88 with a large empty trunk.

Middle-aged Diva (Carol) said...

Ha! What a typical CC type!
Carol
http://www.carolcassara.com

Unknown said...

OMG, I thought I was the only one. Thank God!!!!!!! I have also used the "well remember you slept in my bed, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth, and maybe it's under your pillow. Get dressed, then we will look for it!" ;)

swernerdesign said...

And then there's me who had to confess about the tooth fairy because I forgot - not once, not even twice but three damn days in a row! So it was either tell her how lame, overworked and tired her real mom was or have her believe the tooth fairy didn't give a crap about her. #epicparentingfail but at least not douchey.

Bethany said...

So, my husband neither golfs nor is a douche... but he makes fairly good money and is often off work on a Tuesday. So I thought I'd provide a possible answer to your question, "where do you guys work that you can spend half of a Tuesday golfing at this expensive club?" My husband is an ER doctor. And he's often off on a Tuesday or Thursday because when everybody else is off on Saturday and Sunday, he's usually working. His place of employment is open 24/7, so he can often only do fun or relaxing activities while other guys (who don't look like douches to strangers, I guess) are at work.

I actually thought this post was kind of funny in spots, AND I like your blog. :) But I think the whole " Most dads I know only take off work this early if it's a family emergency or their child is in a performance at school" so therefore any guy off work on a Tuesday must be a douche married to an overachieving mom thing is taking it a bit too far. You're failing to take into account that somebody has to be at work at 2am on Saturday so that if your kid wakes up with bronchitis or a seizure or a weird rash, you don't have to wait until Monday morning to have them see a doctor.

Like I said, my husband doesn't golf, but a lot of his doctor friends do. And because trauma surgeons, ER docs, radiologists, hospitalists, and a whole host of other medical specialties don't get to work a 9-5 like everybody else, there's a pretty good chance that some of the guys you're accusing of being douchey dads because they "take off work" to play golf are actually doctors who don't have the luxury of being off every Saturday. Just some food for thought. :)

And just to prove I'm not an overachieving mom - for Valentine's Day, my kid got a dry erase board from the dollar section at Target.

http://morenaps.blogspot.com

Kat Brady said...

I live in a Podunk town just south of NOVA but I would have to agree that I know of a bunch DDs and OAMs in NOVA and Maryland. I wish these people would get real jobs and spend time with their kiddos!!

lgv said...

Seriously, how sad would it be to be a child in a family that the man you should know and love the most speaks in a phony, PC, business voice when you call them to tell him your tooth fell out. Or to be the wife of a man that handles it like a business call, instead a mile-stone. Or a family who is more concerned with Grandmother's pictures than their little boy growing up before their eyes.

Jud said...

Okay, question from the uninitiated: what is an OAM?

stnlsstl said...

read the husband defense first s o i had to come back and read the original
one question for jen jealous much?

Anonymous said...

These are not people I want to punch in the throat, those are people I want to stab in the genitals.

What the HELL takes three hours? Does Mom have to go get a Brazilian and deliver the tooth with her vagina?

I didn't know people like this exist. I thought they were just on Television and I am so very scared.

Splash90 said...

I actually didn't see much wrong with him besides his rudely standing in your way and shallowly wanting to warn his mom. He obviously is married to a major OAM, but he asked how she was and set up a way to help her out, which I thought was pretty good.

I love your stuff... read one of your books and I'm onto the 2nd one which linked to this post.

Anonymous said...

And this is why some women get labeled as judgmental bitches.

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