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Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies



By now we have all heard of the adorable little Elf on the Shelf.  Almost everyone I know has one.  Some people even have two!  (Now I'm having guilt for not having two, because apparently I need two because when my kids are adults they'll each want one from their childhood.  Ugh.  Not looking forward to that conversation with the Hubs when I tell him why we need another Elf.)

The Elf is a handy little thing to have.  The little bastard keeps my children in check this time of year.  When there is even a HINT of rebellion all I have to do is say, "Elf" and they snap back in line.


If he's so good, Jen, then why did you call him a bastard? you ask.  I called him a bastard, because even though my children think he's magic, I'm the one doing all the "magic" and I totally suck at it.  I forget to move him all the time and when I forget I have to spin even MORE lies than usual.  ("No, Santa can't give you the $400 Lego Death Star.  Even though he says he makes everything, he can't make Legos and he has to actually go and buy them and he can't spend that much money on you." or "Well, I don't know why he gave it to your friend last year for Christmas.  I'm sure his mommy and daddy paid Santa to do that and we don't pay Santa."  Thanks a lot, asshole parents who gave their kid the Death Star from Santa!  As parents, let's all make a pact that any gift over $200 comes from grandma and grandpa rather than Santa, OK?  It would make my life a lot easier.)

But back to our Elf.  Our Elf has been a lazy SOB this year.  He usually makes his first appearance Thanksgiving night (I get him out when I'm on my way out at 3 AM for Black Friday).  This year we left town and I forgot.  He waited until we came back and then he was ready join our family.  Since then he's only gone away 4 maybe 5 times.  We are always forgetting to move him.  And it should not be difficult.  I am literally moving him from the top shelf in my kitchen to the bottom shelf and back again.  I'm such a loser that I can't even do that right.

I heard some over achieving moms talking one day about how they like to make their Elf do "naughty" things. What exactly does that mean? I asked.  "Oh, you know, he bakes cookies in the night and leaves a huge mess for me to clean up in the morning."  WTF???  "Yes, or one time last year, he took all the ornaments off our tree!  Teeheeehee."

Teeheehee?!!  Why in the world would I make my Elf do something like that?  I'm the one who has to clean up his mess and redecorate my tree!  All so my kid could ooh and ahh over the magic of the Elf for about 3 minutes until the next shiny object caught their eye?  I decided these women were insane.

But then I started listening closer and realized they are not alone.  There are entire blogs out there right now dedicated to naughty/fun Elf behavior.  People like Danielle over at Blossom Bunkhouse.  I read her blog and I got really pissed off.  I should have known she'd irritate me when I read her perky-mom-who-loves-to-make-amazing-homemade-memories-with-her-kids-when-she's-not-secretly-downing-Valium-and-Vodka-so-she-can-be-so-damn-perky-and-fun title for her blog.  (In case you haven't guessed, I'm proudly un-medicated and I have the mood swings to prove it.)

Blossom has 101 Fun Ideas to do with your Elf.  ONE HUNDRED AND ONE.  As a friend pointed out, there are only 25 days until Christmas - why 101?!!

I wanted to punch her as soon as I read her top 2:

1.  Have a marshmallow fight (marshmallows everywhere).
2.  Have a pillow fight (feathers everywhere).

OK, seriously?  Does she have a clue how much a feather pillow costs?  The hell I'm going to destroy it just so I can sweep it up again in the morning!

Or like I have time, desire or resources to make this red carpet entrance for a doll.  I can barely get him out of the box and prop him up on the shelf.  We haven't even read the book yet this year and she wants me to literally roll out a red carpet for him.  When does she do laundry?  When does she work?  And most importantly, when does she sleep?

20.  Make faces on school pictures with a marker.

I lecture my children constantly on appropriate materials to write on with markers.  A photograph is not one of those things.  It would take years to undo that damage if I did that.  I'd have mustaches on every photograph in my home.  "The Elf did it!"

24.  Read a book.

Yeah, I tried that one on my own the other day (didn't even need Blossom's help to come up with that one). The Hubs didn't see him on the couch reading and he sat on him.  Kids couldn't find him because he wasn't on his usual shelf.  So much for trying to think outside the box...shelf.

32.  Switch clothes from one closet to another.

And I do this when?  4 AM when everyone is asleep and I'm hauling dresses and jeans from one room to another?  And we're assuming my children would even NOTICE I did this.

42.  Take picture of child sleeping.

This is one I would do just to scare the snot out of them.  I'd like to perch the Elf right on their sleeping heads and take a picture of that.  I could probably whip that picture out in the summer when they're being bad and it would scare them enough to knock it off.  I'll bookmark that one.

44.  Knit a scarf or hat.

When I'm not trashing my house with feathers, flour or drawing on the walls I'll whip up a handmade hat, Psycho.

64.  Learn multiplication facts.

Huh?  Just set him on the table with flashcards?  I guess I could do that, but it sounds as boring as my shelf.

80.  Elf packs school lunches but mixes up everyone's lunches.  (Each child receives sibling's lunch - great conversation piece at dinner.)

Or source of meltdown at school - you pick.

93.  Sit on toilet OUTSIDE on front lawn - if you happen to have an extra toilet being stored.

WTF?  Who has an "extra" toilet they can put in the yard?  Either she's grasping at straws to get to 101 or she's white trash.

He's called The Elf on the Shelf, not the Elf who Skydives, Takes Bubble Baths and Shaves the Dog!  Leave him on the shelf so the rest of us slackers don't look so bad.  I think I'm just going to lay my Elf on his shelf, tape wires and hoses to him and tell my kids he's in a coma and hopefully he'll recover before Christmas. That should give me some flexibility.

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820 comments:

  1. Here's the thing: your kids will grow up with normal expectations of how life is and won't beat themselves up as adults when they can't hide ten elves a night in the attic, from the ceiling fan, etc. Hers totally will.

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  2. I went to look at some of her pics and I want to slap that bitch silly. Except for idea # 42. I am going to need to get an elf JUST for the express purpose of terrorizing my kid.

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  3. I have been *dying* to have our Elf on the Shelf channel Showtime's 'Dexter' and make his own "kill room" in the Barbie house complete with an aproned Elf holding a butcher knife & a decapitated Barbie covered in ketchup. *sigh* Unfortunately, my husband seems to think that would scar the children for life. He's no fun.

    trocar.trainee :-)

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  4. Thanks for sharing this, I needed a good laugh! We haven't done the elf on the shelf & I'm really glad we haven't, I know I would forget to move him too!

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  5. Was just referred to this by a friend and immediately thought, I have to share this with her...
    "http://shirleyewejest.blogspot.com/2011/12/santas-enforcer-elf-on-shelf.html"

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  6. I think kids who's parents move their elf 101 times before Christmas grow up to be sad and lonely because the world isn't revolving around their expectations.

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  7. This is beautiful! Some days the Elf is naughty, some days he is not. Some days he gets caught with his hat stuck in a jar and can't get out for five days. It all works. And I love, love, love your sense of humor!

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  8. I love this! I agree, why can't he just sit on the shelf like he's supposed to?

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  9. HAHAHA! we do it too- but our elf literally just moves from place to place. i had to stop reading my friends FB posts b/c of all the "naughty" things the elf was doing that was making me feel like crap. i forget to move him too and have to make up stories about why he's in the same place. glad to know i'm not alone. :)

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  10. Ehh, nothing worse than an inferiority complex personified. Sucks to be your kid. But, you still made me guffaw here or there.

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  11. We have a well behave Elf. He'd never make a mess because he knows it'd be back to elf jail for him if he did. Plus, my kids know that Elfie is a little lazy and doesn't like to go out in cold weather so some nights he sleeps in the same place as the night before.

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  12. I can't freaking stand how funny this is. I whole heartedly agree with you. Our lazy ass elf sucks and he is just going to keep on sucking. I refuse to join the madness.

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  13. Laughed my butt off, you are a gal after my own heart...especially about taking a pic of the elf sitting on their heads...I actually armed troll doll collection with small sharp utensils once...my daughter is 36 and still scarred! Snarf!! Was actually going to buy an Elf, we now have a year old grandson...think I'll wait til I can snap a pic and have it work!! Thanks for the smiles!! Kathie Brundege

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  14. Thanks so much for this. I was beginning to feel as though I was a bad mom for not doing the whole Elf on the Shelf bit.

    As a kid, we had one of those elves but had no idea there was a whole story behind it. Personally, I always hated the thing - I thought it was creepy - and would try to hide it back in the decoration boxes. *shudder*

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  15. OMG this was absolutely hilarious! I'll admit I have two elves, but not because I have 2 kids (I have 4 kids). I just liked them. I didn't buy that creepy looking elf that everyone else uses either. But anyway, I forget to move the elves all. the. time. After they were in the Christmas stocking for 3 days in a row my six year old told me they must be stuck in there.

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  16. You are the freakin' queen! I actually just bought an elf two days ago. With the threat of telling Santa, I've gotten my 4 year old whiny daughter to shut her mouth more in the past 24 hours than in the past month. I may just have to try taking a picture of her while sleeping with the elf on her head. It may be damaging, but seriously funny...

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  17. My kids just for the first time saw an elf buy a gingerbread house, holding a tiny piping bag. My 8 year old asked when ours was going to make him one. I told him, "When he got a new mom."

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  18. I much prefer the "santa clause is watching approach". Worked on me 35 years ago. Just like the songs goes he knows when you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.

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  19. Ha, I suck so bad that I haven't even bought an Elf yet! (3 years in a row) My kids are having amazing childhood memories though ;)

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  20. Ok…laughing my butt off here cause i'd feel the exact same way as you but the difference is that in my house, even getting the stupid elf will NEVER happen…I think it's retarded all the hype ppl put on santa & elves…lies.…there's one lesson we try to teach our kids & then what do we do? Ya, lie about CHRISTmas. Funny story for sure though ;)

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  21. Move clothes from closets?! I spend hours putting clothes BACK in the correct closets. I loved this post. We've never had an Elf tradition. In fact, I had never even heard of it until about 5 years ago. Thanks for the laugh and making me feel like a less than shitty mom!

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  22. Here's the thing, I've seen friends posting their little Elf's adventures all over Facebook and I find it unbelievably creepy. Yeah. Creep City, population: Elves. Just sayin'

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  23. This might be the funniest thing I have ever read and I adore you. I had to post this to my facebook page so all those other unmedicated mom's can enjoy it as much as me!!!!

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  24. Ok, I have not laughed so hard in so long. Thank you for posting this because on the second day of having the elf we forgot. AND why are the elves naughty anyway? They should be showing good examples to the kids. I'm with you on this one! AND PLEASE do not go out and buy another one, this mom is sticking with one and if you don't like it well too bad, you're lucky you got one in the first place! HA! BTW ~ I'm posting this on facebook as well it's just too funny not to!!! Thank you, thank you!!!

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  25. This was friggin hilarious. Made my lunch break! Also made me thankful my son is 22 and I don't have to deal with such nonsense...

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  26. I Had never eveb heard of the "ELF ON THE SHELF"!!!!(UNTIL TODAY!)....I am 32 yrs old, I have a 13yr old son and an 8yr old daughter!! Reading this was tooo funny!!! I wouldn't mind having 1 for my daughter(Of Course Mt Son doesn't believe in Santa anymore :( But If I get 1, I will NOT be moving clothes from closet to closet, baking cookies @3am, or re-decorating our tree! LOL!!! I would ENJOY Having 1 for my daughter because I know she would definately listen, clean up her room & messes, and not search my entire house for any Christmas presents she will be getting ;)

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  27. I never heard of the Elf on the Shelf until the last 2-3 years. I think it's bizarre quite frankly. What happened to good old fashioned Santa threats?!

    As for the folks you describe - Don't these people work? Or is wasting time dreaming up 101 ideas someone's job? People don't have lives. Seriously. When your life is all about a damn elf, AND one has time to think, talk, and write 101 things to live vicariously through an Elf, "spirit of the holiday" aside, that is sad. I'm all for enjoying fun holiday activities with my son but Geez, if I had that amount of time, my agency would be kicking ass, my Flickr photos would be organized and my son's scrapbook would be too. I'd be in amazing shape too b/c I'd be running 5 miles every day.

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  28. You are my long lost sister! LOL! Everything you said has gone through my head at least 100 times already! My husband and I work too hard to make sure our kids have a great Christmas. yes, we do have the ELF but only move him nightly! Hell, I have a hard enough time keeping my house clean. I'm not cleaning up additional messes! Great post!

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  29. Hahahah... I totally get that... you should check out my friend's "elf on a freakin' shelf."... Her scandalous little nugget likes boobs, hates kids... and busted into the liquor cabinet... hahah

    http://thepalacepost.blogspot.com/2011/12/elf-apprehended.html

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  30. We don't have a PITA elf on the shelf or anywhere else - too much work. I work part-time & NO WAY am I wasting time making unnecessary messes (the kids do that enough thanks) just to have to clean them up. You are my soul-sister as it seems there are an ever-growing list of people I'd like to punch in the throat; I'm just not brave enough to say so publicly!

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  31. LMAO - too funny :) and apparently I'm not even as good a mom as you as I just last week even heard of the elf on the shelf concept :)

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  32. I have one and am having a BLAST with my kids. They wake up every morning racing around to find him. I don't really use it as a threat ("Santa is watching you!") It's just fun and a part of our tradition. It really doesn't take that much effort. I have friends who do it and we kinda use each others ideas. We haven't ripped up a pillow or had him drink any wine...but he did write on my kids pic w/ a dry erase marker (no harm done) and that was cause for TONS of giggles by all of us! :)

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  33. I spent a good part of my afternoon reading your blog and I LOVE it! Saw a link to this post on fb.

    My kids are too old for the elf, I had never heard of it before this year (thank god), but I've seen so many photos posted of all the mischief that these elves get into. OMG who has that much time and energy?

    Anyway, I love your sense of humor and will now be following this blog!

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  34. My sister forgets to move their elf too! She tells the kids that if the elf doesn't move it means he saw them doing something naughty and is giving them one more chance to behave before he flies back and tells Santa! hahaha!!

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  35. Omg! This had me literally laughing out loud. I SO agree! Don't even get me started on over-achieving tooth fairies!

    Your husband sitting on the elf had me in tears. I don't feel so bad for catching mine on FIRE. Just be wary of having the little guy perch on the edge of a lamp. When he fell over on the lightbulb and then smoke started coming off him, we had loads of drama. I thinly I'll stick with the shelf.

    Thanks for the giggles! The women at the hair salon think I'm nuts now. ;-)

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  36. Too funny! My son is enjoying his 1st year with his elf. His elf is kinda lazy too. The only reason his elf remembers to report to Santa is because Mommy works 2nd shift and usually sees the elf somewhere before she vegges out on the computer until 3am. I have wanted him to do a few funny things, but Buddy over at Bunkhouse is WAY over the top. I don't have time to keep my house clean let alone clean up after a stupid elf! And I wish mine would bake some cookies because I certainly don't have time to do it right now. Nope. We will just have one marathon day of baking on my day off until I get so sick of it that it takes me another year to forget and plan it again.
    You post made me laugh so much! Thanks!!

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  37. I grew up in the 60's and I guess they were popular then. I used to play with ours all the time. I remember counting 14 once. I saw last night they are going for 30.00 now! But ours also didn't have the reputation of being naughty either! Sorry, but it sounds like fun! I would have loved that as a kid. Wished I would have kept them for my kids. I was a busy mom but I'm sure I would have tried to make the memories. They are in they're upper 20's now. Time goes too fast!

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  38. I haven't laughed so hard in ages. I swear-I almost peed myself! You rock!

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  39. Was referred to this post on FB and loved it. Of course, I'm the worst mom ever b/c we don't even do the elf and I'd never even heard of it until this year, and that's with my FIVE kids, the oldest being almost nine. So I guess I win the bad-mom-at-Christmas-time contest. My kids are lucky they even get Christmas presents at all most years!

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  40. I swear!! If I knew you personally you would be my best friend! This was the most hilarious f-ing thing I've read this year! Merry Christmas!!

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  41. should you ever move to Northwest Arkansas, please look me up ASAP as we are clearly best friends who simply haven't had the chance to meet yet. I hate the elf, and I try to have the grace not to hate "elfers" themselves. I love my hubby for reading me this tonight.

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  42. Funny post. One good thing about being Jewish, I don't have to mess with these nasty little elves.

    Joyce
    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/

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  43. This is the funniest thing I've ever read! I was crying!!! Then I read it to my husband and he loved it, too! Thanks for making my Christmas Merry!!!

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  44. *trocar.trainee*...I didn't get past your comment about the kill room. I almost peed myself.

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  45. Come to find out there's been an elf in my mom's box of Christmas ornaments, oh, probably my whole life, and I never knew until this year the little bas... um guy even existed. He is now stuck in the candy jar where he can't cause any mischief. Bwaahahahahahaha!

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  46. I have never heard of this whole elf thing. my question is WHY would you have the elf, whom is there to watch children's behaviors for santa, act naughty? We teach our kids that if you are naughty then santa won't bring you presents as punishment for the bad behavior. But the elf acts naughty, so what is his punishment? Or does he not get punished because he is Santas helper? And how the crap does anyone find the time to put on the entire act of making huge messes to clean up on top of regular cleaning and day to day activities especially with all the extras of the holiday season!? Well i guess if you have a maid and nanny then maybe!

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  47. Hilarious..and I totally agree. I clean up enough crap through out the day without wanting that Elf to make a mess.

    Also, I thought the point was he was supposed to make your kids act right, if he's making a mess and being totally disrespectful at night why should they care during the day what they are doing?!

    He isn't setting a very good example.

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  48. If an Elf on shelf so much as set a jingle-belled toe in my house he'd be an Elf in a trashcan in less than a minute. Like vampires, you have to actually invite them in. One word: don't.

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  49. 1st year with our elf, and although i laughed at your post, i happen to love our elf. Its fun to get creative with him. The kids love it! I love seeing there faces and hearing them giggle in the morning when they see what the elf has done. Nothing to do with no life, or not enough time, maids or nannys. (i have 4 kids ranging from 10 months to 8 yrs old, no nanny no maid, and I work) Its about bringing a little extra smiles to my kids faces. So what if i have more to clean up or im so tired to begin with, hearing them giggle and look around the house for the elf in the morning is priceless :) Just adding a little more christmas spriit in our home :)

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  50. Honestly, my kids would just laugh their asses off at the whole Elf reporting to Santa thing...they only half ass buy that Santa is watching. However, it's fun to laugh at the crazy people who actually take the time to cut out head shots of members of boy bands and tape then on the Elf's face...WTF is wrong with people!

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  51. I think we were separated at birth...thank you for a)making me laugh so hard I went into the silent, ugly cry and b)explaining what the heck the creepy little elf is! I've seen his picture all over the place and had no clue what it was.

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  52. I'm a new follower and this rocked my socks!
    I'm all for getting creative with the lil guy, but there's creative, and there's waaay overboard!

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  53. damn, I don't even employ an elf at my house. I took one look at the price of the book + elf and said, "Nahhhh." I guess I'm an ultimate slacker...or a genius...

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  54. You are freaking hilarious! Love it!

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  55. please get out of my head...lolll...you are freaking hilarious! I just found this blog, but I will be returning frequently because we have the same sense of humor.

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  56. Wonderful! I have to agree with other posts though! If the point is for the elf to report to Santa, why would the elf be naughty???? Makes no sense. Thanks for a good laugh!

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  57. OMGosh... freaking hilarious, I wet my pants on the second read. AH.MAY.ZING!

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  58. I am pretty sure that I need to be punched in the throat. I made... (hangs head in shame) a video. Our elf is on Intervention.

    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=2823317064987

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  59. What the holy blessed fuck is that nonsense? An elf who intentionally destroys stuff, and it's supposed to be "cute?" To encourage children to *not* destroy stuff?

    Hell. No.

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  60. HILARIOUS!! Yep, I tried to be one of those overachievers, but just didn't cut it. I actually posted about it on my blog the other day - I tried the whole flour on the counter thing - it was a huge mistake!

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  61. THANK YOU!!!! After reading your post I feel relief that I'm not the only one!

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  62. This is brilliant! Seriously .... you just wrote what I've secretly thought about the elf for the past 3 years! Hilarious ...... you just gained a loyal reader!

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  63. Oh my goodnes. I effing love this. I don't even have an elf.
    My bad.

    I think the coma is a great idea. Have him do something naughty, then put him in a coma. Tell the kids that's what happens when you misbehave.

    www.chelseapatricia.com

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  64. Um, I love you! You are my new best friend! Great article!

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  65. We don't even have the real elf. Just some penguin toy in an elf costume. I didn't know the actual elf story, so I made something up which turned out to be a horribly bastardized version of the original. One year I hid the elf in my underwear drawer after Christmas and my oldest child saw him as I was putting away laundry... I suck at this.

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  66. I am so glad my kids are too old for this! I've never even heard of an Elf on a Shelf! But thanks for the laugh!!! You are hysterical!!

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  67. That damn Elf is the WORST! I wake up at like 3 AM panicking because like the damn tooth fairy, the elf "forgot" to move again. Worst invention ever.

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  69. WOW !! where is the love ?? I think it is unfair to call someone crazy for having fun with their child in this manner. I think it is a great tradition and would never criticize anyone b/c they are not doing it. We have done the dry erase marker and the marshmallow fight and a few others but my son who is 5 understands it is all in fun and does not mimic the behavior ~~ he just laughs his lil' butt off every morning when he sees what the elf did next ~~ and that is priceless and took very little effort on my part so if that makes me crazy then so be it ~~ also not medicated and not at all worried that my child will need therapy one day from his elf experience

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  70. I laughed so hard I snorted. This is awesome.

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  71. ELF?! Now, I've got to mess with an ELF? I don't even have the Christmas tree up yet! It does sound like fun for the kids, but I agree, there IS a limit. Besides, we have 3 dogs, the kids would blame the dogs for anything I'd try to make the elf do.

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  72. I don't have an "Elf on the Shelf" either Chelsea. Then again I told my children outright that santa is not real, and that all the money for Christmas gifts is money that daddy makes working. So then the expectation of a fat man dropping down our chimney to give them everything they desire is not a problem. I'm going to parenting hell! :D

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  73. Our Elf never got moved by my husband ( I work Nights) I would run in the door and shove the damn thing in my pants... put him in the bathroom and then spend the day calling him a perve for being in the bathroom again... lol... .hated that f'in elf...glad its over. My daughter sobbed when she found out santa wasnt real but had a breakdown realizing Frances the Perve Elf was a fake too... lol

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  74. Great post! Our Elf is still "in hiding" this year. Yes we lost the bloody thing since we hid it so well last year. My kids are wondering if he will come this year, I just remind them that they have probably been to naughty ;) Although a comatose elf sounds brilliant!!

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  75. Fortunately my teen is 15..I was kind of over the top when he was little and might have gone over the top with the elf...Here is another fun post about the elf that might be right up your alley. http://www.thebeardediris.com/2011/12/13/im-a-better-mother-on-the-sauce/

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  76. you are hilarious...and I agree whole heartedly...he is called ELF on a SHELF afterall...plus, he's here to WATCH our kids and make sure they dont misbehave...he's not here to set an example of what misbehaving is!!! Ours goes fun places, like the top of the nativity set, the christmas tree, the mantel, he was on top of the tv the other day, and tonight he'll hang from the light fixture in the kitchen...but there's no since in making him act in ways you would BEAT your child for acting!...just my opinion!

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  77. I can't help it. I am laughing so hard I'm crying. I have a friend that does those things with the elf. The movers lost our elf. Oh well... I find just sending them messages from portable north pole telling them they are naughty to be more effective.

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  78. Aren't our Elves supposed to BEHAVE -and be a great freaking example!?!? Elf on the Shelf- job description: sit still, watch & listen, report back to Santa. Not destroy my house or be a deviant. ;) I barely have time to brush my teeth!! Or write this post!! ;)

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  79. Ok, so our elf has made snow angels in salt, painted my daughters nose in her sleep (Rudolph), rode with Barbie in her convertible, and has also just sat around on shelves other days...I do it to see that huge smile on my Childs face...and it still has to do with Santa.. yes santa is watching but when he isn't, the elf is reporting back to him. Its just fun to do with your kids whether you do something silly with him or not...this was hilarious, but peoples comments bothered me a bit. Im not insane, medicated or drunk...im a stay at home mom that likes to make my daughter smile!

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  80. I laughed so hard I cried!!

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  81. That's Hilarious! Looks like Ms. Blossom has retired her blog! haha

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  82. Roflmao!!! Good stuff and oh so true!!

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  83. This was such a great story, thought I was the only one without a creepy elf

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  84. Found this post hilarious, BUT, I have to admit, I would totally do this stuff. I don't have kids, but I play tricks on my fiancee all the time, so I know I would trick my kids, too. I love to play jokes on the kids I work with, and I grew up in a household full of shaving cream fights, pouring cold water on whoever was in the shower, and other practical jokes. My fiancee and I even had a crepe fight (yeah, crepes) in our house...and he once zip tied my thumbs together because I was CONVINCED I could get out of it unassisted (I was wrong.) I've also baked cupcakes at 3am before. I still like and appreciate this post, but I admit I would do some of that stuff;)

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  85. Of course you could tell your children the honest truth and not bother with the lie after lie. There are many memorable tradition you can come up with.

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  86. Brilliant; we are kin. I like to do fun things but not f*cking insane things that set my kids up for future failure and unrealistic expectations. Particularly involving elves.

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  87. OMG <3 you!!!!!! Too funny!!!!!!

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  89. This is a great article! I tried to go see the 101 things she had but its been deleted. I needed the laugh!!

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  90. Soooo funny. Your elf has good taste in beer. tell him to share!

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  91. oh my god, you are frickin hilarious! This is my first post I have read from you, and I am laughing hysterically. I will be back. But dont read my blog cause i'm not as honest as you and you'd probably want to punch me in the face too :)

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  92. This is so funny. My girls are all teenagers now and never had an Elf. And they are fine. ;) Though they did know that "Santa was watching". My little niece's have and Elf, but "She" behaves (their's is a girl). Because it is watching them to tell Santa if they are good or bad. If the Elf misbehaves then what kind of example is it setting. LOL.... And honestly, if you have to rip apart your house to make your Christmas "more fun" - then you truly don't know the meaning of Christmas -- and you have way too much time on your hands! --

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  93. I feel bad for some of you people that say we're setting up unrealistic expectations for kids. @nj***** use of the word retard is a really wrong word. I feel bad for your children . I go all out at christmas for my very deserving 6 year old. she's a smart well behaved child who very rarely get into any trouble . I hyped up christmas as much as she allows it. And as my parents did with me I will never tell her santa does not exist. I feel somewhat sad for you people who don't let your children experience christmas 100 percent because you're afraid of spoiling them or setting them up for failure. that's so ridiculous . this is a 1 time of the year where your kids need to be fooled just a little bit. I'm pretty sure when my daughter is 20 or 21 heading out into the real world, she's not gonna look back on the elf on the shelf pranks or the over hyped christmases and wonder what did my parents do to me I need to see a shrink.....

    do I think the elf needs to make a huge mess in my kitchen? not really .... but it's not gonna kill me if I get to see the look of joy and laughter on her face maybe just once.

    or maybe, secretly, I know my husband is a neat nick and he's gonna do the clean up anyway.

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  94. I thought I was the only one who didn't have an elf because I thought it was nonsense. Glad to see I'm not alone. But don't knock being medicated--it's the only thing that keeps me from actually punching someone in the throat

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  95. I'm crying because I'm laughing so hard. Wonderful post!

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  96. YOU are awesome.

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  97. Too funny. But this elf looks like a scary anorexic pinocchio

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  98. this is possibly the funniest thing i've ever read. and hey, you can feel good about this: my elf isn't even out of the damn package yet. and the mom fail award goes to...me.

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  99. I don't know you.....you don't know me.....but I am pretty sure you just became my new BFF!!!!!!! I love this post!!!!! I thought I was the only one who felt this way. So glad there are a ton of us!!!!!

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  100. So funny .... I was afraid I was going to wake my kids up with my laughter & they are sleeping upstairs!

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  101. Is that a Boulevard Wheat? That elf has excellent taste in beer... We're doing it, but we also have trouble remembering to move him. My husband likes to put him in precarious places and I'm always afraid he'll fall (the elf, not my husband), and then I'll have to figure out what to do if it's in front of the kids so he doesn't lose his magic. It's fun for them, but I will be glad when he' back in the closet.

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  102. You do realize that I now have to get out of bed to move the fecking elf...

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  103. Oh my gosh, Jen! Thank you for the laugh. I was laughing so hard I couldn't catch my breath. I agree with EVERYTHING you said. I hate our Elf on the Shelf and would have never introduced it to my kids but someone gave it to them as a gift a couple of years ago. I think those people hate me b/c they would have never done it if they loved me. I did make the Elf make his own snow angel this year and that was enough mess for me. Now he sits on the shelf. My best to you!!

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  104. Too funny. I'm too cranky to start a new tradition, so no Elf on the Shelf around here. Plus, he looks creepy. And yes, the idea of making messes ON PURPOSE is asinine. Kids make messes on purpose, so let them screw around with the Elf. Okay, that last par didn't sound right.

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  105. I would just like to know, WTF is an elf on the shelf? Apparently, i am not a mom in the loop!

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  106. This is hilarious!!!!! I was carrying around guilt for never buying the creepy ugly elf, but so glad to know I'm not alone. Thanks. I use the good ole threat, knock it off, or Santa's gonna bring you reindeer poop.

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  107. First of all, if the elf is supposed to keep kids well behaved, why would the elf behave badly? Why not stuff the Elf in a sink full of dish water after cleaning the kitchen and tell the kids that hes so exhausting from 'helping mommy' that he is too tired to talk to santa or something? Make the elf work for YOU! LOL

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  108. Holy crap I am crying I laughed so hard. This is easily one of the funniest things I have ever read. I was going to get the elf this year but now its a little late so maybe I will try it out next year. But having seen the 'craze' I can certainly understand and appreciate the value of this post. Thank you. I almost peed myself.

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  109. I want to kiss you right on the mouth. As soon as the laws change, we'll marry immediately (unless we're twins separated at birth--which I suspect).

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  110. I am guilty - totally doing the whole TWO elves thing and letting them tear up tissue paper and trade notes and drawings with the kids...sneak cookies and candy and cereal and leave crumbs, etc. The excitement it gives my kids is worth it to me. I don't go overboard and make a giant mess though, i'm not a total idiot.

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  111. Dude, Sometimes I want to punch me in throat for going balls to the walls with our shelf elf thingy. But at the end of the day, it's the wonderment in my kids' eye that keeps me trying to top the elfcapade prior. We all know how long that wonderment lasts...not long enough.
    Let's make one thing clear, I am a true Beta mom but this elf shelf stuff catapults me to Alpha mom for the 22 days I am doing this and you know what, it feels damn good. :P

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  112. I have honestly never heard of this "Elf on a Shelf" before. And after looking it up why would you spend $30 on a elf doll? Glad no one has heard of this in my house. The tooth Fairy has been known to skip our house, I'm not sure I could keep up with the elf as well.

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  113. LOL I don't even own an elf on the shelf!

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  114. The Elf book originated here in Atlanta, written by two moms. I do think it is cool that their efforts have become so famous. HOWEVER, thank GOODNESS that my kids grew up before this was written and I didn't have to feel like I have to participate. I can barely get my decorations up and get presents wrapped. This cracked me up at 6 a.m. and that's saying something!

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  115. And this is how the little white "there is a santa" lie gets out of hand. Just think of the years of emotional trauma you'll get to unravel bc of all the magical mythical characters we use to manipulate our kids into good behavior. Once the lie is discovered try having any weight with the kids with "you shouldn't lie"

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  116. all I can say is WHY would I allow an elf to do anything that I would punish my children for...ie feathers & flour & marshmallows being anywhere other than where they belong...&&& just a thought when I forget to move Eddie (our elf, my Dad's middle name, he died the same year he came to stay with us) I ask the kids if they did something they forgot to say sorry for...cause maybe Eddie's waiting for them to say they're sorry before he reports back to Santa ;D!!!! I cover my bases!!!!

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  117. This is flipping hysterical and soooo accurate! Well said!

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  118. So funny! I do not have an elf and this is convincing me further that I don't need one.

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  119. This is hysterical.

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  120. Wow, perfect example of a whiny-ass bully mom. Nice job. The poor woman has even seemingly pulled all of her blogs off the internet and you've successfully spoiled it for people who are interested in happy people's lives and creativity while we've mistakenly wasted our time reading your miserable bitter blog. Merry Christmas, Grinch.

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  121. ROFLMAO! I love you, too. I am CRACKING up - everything you said is so perfect and hysterical. Thanks for the giggle and for being so real. :) xoxo

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  122. I cannot stop laughing!! My kids are grown so I don't have to do this but if they were young I wouldn't anyway. Personally that elf creeps me out. So glad I stumbled upon this post....I really needed a laugh!!

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  123. LOL! And my family doesn't have an elf :-)

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  124. http://katiebuglj.blogspot.com/2011/12/elf-over-acheiver.html#!/2011/12/elf-over-acheiver.html

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  125. Well, I'm a little let down by people's idea of 'naughty'. In my head, I was thinking 'crapped in the magazine basket' or 'shaved the cat.' And then we got into cookies and organizing the closet.

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  127. Thank you SO much. I'm so glad our elf isn't the only lazy boring elf Santa sends to check on our children. And our elf... man is she lazy.

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  128. Tears are literally streaming down my face. Hilarious!! And so dead-on. I could have strangled my son's teacher when she let him read the book at school on his own and he then expected an elf to magically appear at our house the next morning. I have no intention of putting myself through it each evening.

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  129. Yes yes yes! The elf is CREEPY! We don't do Santa at all, so I think we've avoided the elf, thank God!

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  130. Hahahaha! This is brilliant!!! Amen sister, amen!

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  131. That know-it-all, judgy little bastard has been creeping me out! No Elf On The Shelf allowed in these parts.
    I am so glad that my hatred of the Elf led me here, however.
    Kerry at HouseTalkN

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  132. Haters gonna hate....

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  133. My son isn't at all interested in the Elf. We've had it for two years now and luckily for me, my son forgets to look for it in the morning. Thank goodness - because I forget to move it! I didn't even put it out last year and probably won't this year. I used the PNP (Portable North Pole) site to make a video for my son from Santa. In it, I had Santa say that my son needs to work on listening to mommy to stay on the nice list. Now, whenever he acts up, I remind him of what Santa said and he behaves. :)

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  135. our elf is going to do an accidental nose dive into the disposal. whoops! oh, no kids....max is dead.

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  136. If it makes you feel better, I haven't even taken mine out of storage yet.

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  137. Love, Love, Love this! Just shared on my blog's FB page. And take some satisfaction in knowing you are not as lazy as me -- I refuse to even buy an elf. I know I would fail and the kids would see through the myriad of lies. Just too complicated.

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  138. This post made me laugh, A LOT! Not that I don't see the creative things people make Elf do as funny, but that I would probably suck at finding creative things to do with my elf, if we had one. My son has asked that we NEVER have an Elf on the Shelf because it totally creeps him out. Whew! Crisis averted!

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  139. this was pretty damn funny up until the point when it more like a witch hunt. then, i felt kind of dirty for having read it all the way through. wondering how necessary that personal attack was...

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  140. I began with an elf 25 years ago...still pisses me and my daughter off that we didn't think enough to market it! Who'd a thunk that our tradition would be a worldwide sensation!!! LOL
    Anyway, when I'd forget to move the elf and the kids noticed I just told them that he must like that spot cause he can see what he wants to from there...
    Loved your elf blog. It's hysterical!

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  142. OMG I about died laughing! First of all, I'd never heard about this Elf on the Shelf creature (who came up with THAT idea?), but your descriptions of the woman with the 101 "fun" things... priceless! SO glad I got to read this! ;)

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  143. Thanks for the chuckle! Several of my friends post their elf's daily antics on their Facebook pages but I have to ask, if the whole idea of the Elf is to make sure our kids are behaving, why do we want him setting a bad example by doing so many naughty things? And you're so right about the extra effort and clean up--who had time for that?!? We have a Elf (got him a few years ago before anyone really knew what it was) and I'm doing good just to remember to move him at all. Been there, done that!

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  144. this is too funny! i read it to my husband last night and we were crying!

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  145. Not to be too dumb, but the Blossom site is down. Or I can't find it. Darn, I wanted great ideas for a lazy elf.Love your blog!

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  146. LOL! Love this! I have been wondering what the hell elf on the shelf, and now I know, it's a way to make someone money by making parents feel even more guilty and inadequate. Lovely. Enjoy the idea of making the elf do really scary things, but the vibe is a little too Chucky and I like my boy too much to scare the hell out of him.

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  147. I love this blog.....BRILLIANT!!!!!

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  148. Incidentally, "Blossom Bunkhouse" is currently down. Maybe you sent too many visitors her way and she went over her bandwidth allowance?

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  149. This post made me laugh until my sides ached. Having said that, I'm one of those overachievers, I guess, because I've had a blast coming up with fun and silly things for our Elf to do. Why? Because it completely suprises and delights my 3-year-old every single morning, who runs around the house hoping to catch Alphie doing "sumting funny." But I doubt I'll go to the trouble as he gets a little older and the novelty wears off. So if putting my Elf on the Lego pirate ship floating in my bathtub or having him play a game of Christmas Scrabble with my son's Mickey Mouse makes you want to punch me in the face, take your best shot. ;)

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  150. Great post. Very very funny! I've never even heard of Elf on a Shelf. And none of my facebook friends are posting anything about the naughty elf. Sooooo...I don't know who's doing this? I think the naughty elf is kind of strange! I'm so glad we never got into this tradition. Love the reference to the Death Star Lego. My son used that item as a way to prove there was no Santa, asking only for that, knowing he'd never get it because it was too much money! He's clever. :) thanks for the laugh.

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  151. OMGoodness you are funny as hell. Tears are rolling down my face from laughing so hard. This yr our 13 yr old is in charge of "Padro" our sweet elf, so i've gotten to enjoy the surprise in the a.m.. But I feel the same way: ohh gheeze that women has some issues..

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  152. I love you. I'm considering leaving my husband to spent the rest of my life listening to you sweet talk me.

    Thanks for this post!! Am definitely going to read more!

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  153. OMG! Haven't laughed so hard in a very long time!! Thank you!

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  154. Hahaha! Don't have an elf...have no desire to get one... I'm too busy not cleanin' up the mess the real little people in my house make...not to mention the flamin' dog and cat. Ha!

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  155. Very funny! I had not heard of this new tradition...but recently my grandson said he is asking Santa for an Ipad! I told him Santa doesn't bring those. He said his friend got one from Santa last year. He is in the third grade!! Who in their right mind tells their kid Santa brought them a $700+ gadget!!
    His mom saved it..she said his friend was mistaken! And he believed her:)
    Thanks for sharing your whacky humor! Made my day!

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  156. Awesome. I don't bother with the Elf on a Shelf crap. I have enough shit to do, with ruining their childhoods and whatnot already by not hovering over them like a fucking mosquito 24/7.

    Besides, when they're in bed, so am I. My house already looks like it got trashed by a syndicate specializing in Lego and Tinker Toys, why the fuck would I clean up all that shit and do it again on purpose? Screw that!

    They think Daddy has Santa's elves on BBM, that's enough to scare the bejesus out of them.

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  157. If you would like to feel like slightly less of a slacker, I am only JUST hearing of this damn elf now. This is just hilarious. I am so happy that my introduction to the elf was this post and not the 101-things-to-make-you-feel-tremendously-guilty-about-how -terrible-of-a-parent-you-are post.

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  158. hahahahaha you made me feel so much better..what is that saying..ignorance is bliss...i bought two cheapo elves from my local grocery store..thinking the 29.99 price tag for the elegantly boxed set of elf and book at B&N was a bit pricey for something i didn't know i had to have..so i never actually read the story...so my two cheapo elves came home..sat on my two sheep figures for the first 6 days they were here...then when i got the decorations out a few days ago they got moved to the little tree on the kitchen counter...and never moved before or since...i didn't know what the story was...and now only have an inkling...and neither do my kids! hahaha I think i will keep it that way...just to keep things simple...i enjoy looking at my cute el cheapo non animated elves...just as they sit innocently by the tiny tree....your story is hilarious...and the links to the other blog must be clogged....they didn;t work for me....too many visitors over there perhaps..haha! Merry Christmas!

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  159. i have a good one for you..the Youtube challenge..i gave my kids a terrible present..i laughed my ass off....you seem to have a great sense of humor..you might get a kick out of this one yourself!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4a9CKgLprQ&feature=share

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  160. Hilarious post. But I have to admit, when my son is old enough to make the Elf matter, I'll be ready for the throat punch! I'll TOTALLY be one of "those moms." Minus the baking cookies and making a mess of the kitchen nonsense, that's just torturing oneself.

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  161. Oh... and after I read your Elf story to my husband, he told me to tell you next time instead of spending 20 minutes blogging about him, just move the fking elf!! Ba ha ha!

    No, then we wouldn't have had the fun laugh we had this morning! loved your

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  162. I went to the links above and they are dead links, I think you pissed off Blossom ;)

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  163. hilarious! i don't have one yet, mostly because i don't think i can handle the pressure!

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  164. This is hysterical & would totally be me. Ya know, if I bothered to buy the elf in the first place. That whole thing (and what it looks like) is totally creepy. Santa threats work great in our house, especially right after we haul the kids to the mall to "meet" him...AGAIN. Well Done!

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  165. I think our elf has a drinking problem. He didn't move for three days after our Christmas party.

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  166. I didn't even BUY the Elf, so I can't make him do one thing, much less 100.

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  167. Crap, that means I need 3 elves. I can barely figure out what to do with the 1, now I have to find 3 new places every night? Maybe if I have 3 and they all look the same, I can just tell the kids they 'switched places' and not have to move them at all!

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  168. This was the one of the best things I have eer read. I personally don't get the Elf on a shelf and my son will not have one in the house , dolls like that creep me out anyway. Lol awesome read again!

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  169. THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS! NOW I DON'T FEEL GUILTY FOR FORGETTING SOMETIMES. I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT I SHOULD HAVE 2, I GUESS I THOUGHT I MIGHT KEEP MINE FOR GRANDKIDS? DON'T GET ME STARTED ON BIRTHDAY GIFT BAGS, OR BIRTHDAY CARDS THAT GET TOSSED FOR KIDS WHO CAN'T EVEN READ...MAYBE IDEAS FOR YOUR NEXT BLOG:)

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  170. Finally. I found a Normal Eff'n person that thinks this elf should be Blown up and posted on You tube .. Thanks so much. My heart goes out to the to the incredible MOMS and DADS that make this happen for there kids .. I aint one of them My boys 11 and so glad we raised him to beat elves up ..

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  171. We don't have an elf. I have a hard enough time trying to come up with reasons why the Tooth Fairy didn't come two nights in a row! (Apparently the Tooth Fairy doesn't work on Sundays and Holidays) I don't need the added pressure of moving an elf every night!

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  172. Oh my gosh I just found you through a link on FB. I am peeing my pants laughing at you. At least you HAVE one. I refuse to break down and buy the stupid thing. Talk about guilt for being a slacker mom. Thanks for the laugh I so needed that. Not to mention I am so glad I am not the only one who thinks these ladies are a little crazy.

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  173. I would love to sneak in her house at night and "hang" the elf from the ceiling fan with a tiny noose and note that reads "I did it cause your Mom is a basket case!"

    BTW, I don't have kids (or an elf) but I did watch the Elf on the Shelf Christmas special that was on the other night. the only thing I could think of was Ralphie from "A Christmas Story" when he decoded the Ovaltine message - a crummy commerical?!

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  174. Thank you so much for this enjoyable read. I can't stop laughing. You rock!

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  176. WTF? Who has an "extra" toilet they can put in the yard? Either she's grasping at straws to get to 101 or she's white trash.


    I die. I also bow to you. I posted about Elf on a Shelf, but I didn't hit the mark like this. :)

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  177. isn't the point of the elf to keep kids in line and encourage good behavior before Christmas because he tells Santa??? SO by having him do "naughty" things just seems like a complete contradiction. Or am I parenting wrong?

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  178. I enjoyed the laugh...however we do have an elf on the shelf and my 3 yr old loves it. Seeing her smile and get excited is so worth the time it takes. The language some of the above parents use is sad. You say why make an elf do naughty stuff and how wrong it is, yet you talk like trash! I work full time and I'm a mom to 3 and I'm gone everynight with my oldest whose in every activity possible. But I find time for the elf. It take 2 min to grab him and move him on my way to bed. I put a reminder on my phone and it alerts me everynight at 10. Kudos to the moms that take the time to do this and have fun with the kids. If you don't do it, that's fine too. But why bash the moms that do? What's wrong with bringing a smile to your kids face and making them laugh and have fun?

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  179. Why is Mr. Hat sitting on the TV again?

    Do I respond with:
    "Because it's a small fucking house and daddy ran out of places for the silly thing to sit" or "Because he can see the whole room from there buddie"

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  180. pretty sure that is the funniest thing I've ever read! And don't worry abt your elf, I'm so lazy I still don't even have one.

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  181. Thank you!!!! I'm evil because I say forget the little thing. I don't own one and don't want to and my three kids don't seem to mind. Maybe I read 1984 too often as a teenager. We really need an elf to threaten our children with for ONE month out of the year? But I digress. Great post. Great comments. Thanks for the laugh this morning!

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  182. I've never even heard of elf on a shelf till today. And Santa always gives lame presents at our house. He's lucky he get's any credit at all.

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  184. that blog regarding the 101 things to do with your elf is gone. did she remeoved it?

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  185. Hysterically funny! Loved this blog post. Looking forward to reading more.

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  186. amandarae81, don't like it....don't read it! Done!

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  187. well, here I am with four grown kids, 8 almost 9 grandchildren only to discover I had an elf on the shelf for years and hung it on the tree-who knew? my kids are fine, Umm, I think!

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  188. Thanks for the post!! We heard about the elf last year and almost bought it this year, but decided that it was over the top. But seriously, now I have to explain to my 7 year old daughter what the fricking thing is and why other kids have it (I have to admit I said that they must have been naughty and needed extra watching... geesh, what else should I say?!)

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  189. I LOVE you. I'm so pleased I discovered your blog.

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  190. I LOVE your sense of humor! Such a funny post!

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  191. OMG - I about died laughing from your post! Thank you for sharing your humor; it's refreshing to know I'm not the only weird one out there!

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  192. From the first time I saw one of those things I wanted to find a Barbie and see just how inappropriately I could pose 'em. I gathered I wouldn't ever get invited back if I did, though. Probably a good thing I don't have kids.

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  193. I do not own an elf, and I'm proud of my non-membership in the club. I AM enjoying the pictures of naughty elves though that include Let Me Start By Saying's wicked Porn Elf.

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  194. Thanks for sticking up for the regular moms! Moms who have a hard enough time just keeping their kids alive each day, without having to feed, decorate and clean their entire imaginary world!!

    AmyG
    littleblacksweats.com

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