What the BROCK is going on?

"You don't know me, but you've been inside me, and that's why we're here today."

This was the opening line of the statement Brock Turner's victim gave after he'd received a 6 month sentence for sexually assaulting her.

"You don't know me, but you've been inside me ..."

I don't know about you, but those words made me feel a lot of emotions:

Horror
Sadness
Rage
Disgust
Anguish
Despair
Rage
Helplessness
Fear
More rage
and finally even more rage

Apparently Yellow is the Color of Money

Cha-ching!

I never enjoyed being pregnant. I never "glowed." I slept like crap and something was always aching, sore, or bulging. After Adolpha was born, I knew I was too damn old to ever do it again.

HOWEVER.

I've just learned of a new and highly profitable business venture. The catch is, to make any money in this new market you must be pregnant. The profit margins are so high, I'm thinking of coming out of baby-making retirement just so I can cash in on it before the bubble bursts.

What is this hot tip? You ask.

Used positive pregnancy tests. As in peed upon sticks.

Are You Perfectly Imperfect?

It's here! It's here! I'm so excited to share my newest anthology with you!!

There is so much pressure to be perfect, it’s NO WONDER we keep screwing it up. But instead of feeling bad about it, I laugh. I laugh because I know I’m not the only one who has become trapped in a dressing room while trying on Spanx, almost poisoned my family with a Pinterest recipe gone terribly wrong, or tried a new diet aid that resulted in me almost destroying the craft aisle in Walmart. 

Luckily I am not alone. I have managed to surround myself with people who suck at being perfect just as much as I do. Are we perfectly imperfect?????

Idiots on Message Boards

OK, so I get a lot of traffic from smart people on message boards.  People who post things like:  "Funniest blog evah - check it out biotches" or "This is hilarious - MUST read."

I see these message boards pop up in my stats and of course I have to trot over there and see who thinks I'm hysterical.  Mixed in with the lovers is the occasional bitchy individual who has to say something like, "Not very funny IMO." or "She's so whiny and she swears too much.  VERY conceited."

Tonight was a slow night and I started trolling through one of the message boards and all I can say is:  WTF?!  Talk about first world problems.  No, I take that back.  These posters have more than first world problems, these people are just idiots.  There were a few who literally could not wipe their asses without advice from the blogosphere.  Here is a small sample of thread topics I saw tonight and what I would like to respond with just to fuck with them:

The Hubs' Ego

Courtesy: The Hubs

One morning the Hubs and I were watching the news and there was a story about a family fishing and as they were reeling their fish into the boat, a shark came out of nowhere and bit the fish off the line.  They showed the video and the Hubs said, "Ha!  Forget the fish, I'd go after that shark!"

"What?" I said.

Let's Celebrate ALL Moms This Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day this weekend and I've been thinking about all of the mothers that I love to poke fun at. This is the one day of the year when I don't care how you raise your child, because for those 24 hours we are sisters in solidarity. So, I'm wishing every one out there a Happy Mother's Day and I hope you all get what you want.

If I were handing out gifts, these are the gifts that I would give:

Me-Ternity Leave IS NOT the Same as Maternity Leave

This article came to my attention this week and at first I wanted to ignore it, because I'm SOOOOOOO tired of the fucking mommy wars. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired of working moms vs. stay at home moms, breastfeeding vs. bottle, co-sleeping vs. crib, all of it. I'm at a point now where I don't care if you swaddle your baby or let him ride a tricycle without a helmet. I don't care if you feed him GMOs or only bathe him once a week. I don't care if you eat your placenta or chew up your baby's food and spit it into her mouth. (Actually, that's not true. That still kind of grosses me out if I think about it for too long, so if you do that, just keep that shit to yourself.)