Did You Know That Jimmy Fallon is My Cousin?

I had the most bizarre dream last night. It was about Jimmy Fallon. It wasn't erotic, although he is a cutie-patootie. It was all business related.

Jimmy Fallon called me and said, "What's up, cuz?" and I was like, "Umm, excuse me? Am I being punked right now?"

Jimmy laughed that cackle-y laugh of his and said, "No! We're actually cousins. Well, we're third cousins twice removed or something like that. I can't remember exactly. See, Ancestory.com wants to sponsor my show and my team and I thought it would be hilarious to use their site and research who I'm related to. We're finding distant cousins of mine and bringing them on the show to interview. We'd love to have you come on. You can totally promote Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat if you want." (Now you see why this dream isn't erotic. We're related!! And my new-found cousin wants to be my pimp. Awesome.)

The next thing I knew I was telling the Hubs I was going to New York City to be on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. "When do you go?" he asked.

"Tomorrow. Get this, I have to spend the weekend with Jimmy and his wife. I have to live at their apartment."

I Have Something You Need

Hellooooooo! How are you guys? I feel like I haven't talked to you in a long time. That's because I've been super duper crazy busy working on ...

THIS!!!

That's right, people! I have a brand spanking new book out.

Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Yuletide Yahoos, Ho-Ho-Humblebraggers and Other Seasonal Scourges (STHWPIWTT: YYHH&OSS from here on out) is coming out on October 13. You can wait til then to get it or if you think you're going to be busy, then you should probably go ahead an pre-order now.

Now, if you've been hanging around me for awhile, you might be scratching your head and saying, "Wait, Jen, I already have that book." 

My answer? "Not exactly."

So, here's the Reader's Digest Condensed Version of this story: In 2012 I self published a book called Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. It was a MASSIVE success (i.e., several people and my mom bought it) and it got great reviews EXCEPT there was one teeny tiny itty bitty complaint that kept popping up: "This is too short!" Soooo, I took a bunch of time away from my friends and family and blog and I doubled the size of this book. I kept all your old favorites, including the famous Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies (you can read it here too) and I added a ton of new chapters you've never seen before.

Chapters like:

Doesn't Everyone Wrap Christmas Presents in Their Underwear?

Sometimes It's Hard to Tell the Difference Between a Home Invasion and an Overzealous Crew of Christmas Carolers

Nice Halloween Costume. Was "Skank" Sold Out?

Why You Won't Be Invited to Our Chinese New Year Party This Year, or Ever 

Then Random House was like, "Hey, this is a good book. We'd like to buy it." So, I sold it to them and they made me a new cover with a gingerbread man doing his "O" face. And then I met Jen Lancaster and I was like, "Hi. Would you like to be besties?" and she was like, "Sorry, I'm a little deaf in this ear" and so then I said, "Would you blurb my book?" and she said, "Oh, THAT I can do." And then she did!!! 

So that's on the cover too.

Does this sound like your kind of book? Well, if you've read this far, then this book is totally for you. What are you waiting for? Go and get your copy and six more for friends and family. It's the perfect White Elephant gift, hostess gift at your next cookie exchange party, or book to put on the back of your toilet when everyone descends on your house on Thanksgiving day. 

Bonus! If you're in Kansas City on October 13, you can totally come to the ah-may-zing launch party that Mid-Continent Library is throwing. Just click here for details and to sign up. 

If you're not local and you still want some books signed so you can give them as gifts (or keep them, I won't judge), then send me an email at jenthroatpunch@gmail.com and let's make that happen for you. 

On a personal note, I want to thank you guys for always supporting me. The fact that I can spend my days in my PJs writing stuff that you'll read is the stuff of dreams. I am #blessed. Truly. That wasn't hashtag sarcasm, that was legit. I know that I don't say it enough to anyone, but especially to you, but I really do love you guys and I'm so grateful that you have embraced this sassy, sweary gal. Mwah! 

Trick or Treat? Please?

Gomer will be 10 this year and I've been wondering about what age is too old for trick-or-treating. I can remember trick-or-treating way past my prime. I can remember dressing up like Madonna in seventh grade. My dad wouldn't let me out the door until I showed him a picture of Madonna, because he was certain I was lying and my costume was really "underage hooker." I can remember hitting the local Walmart for adult-sized footie pajamas, a bib, and a pacifier when I was in college. I dressed up like a baby so my friends and I could score some free Snickers bars. The stupid part is I'm pretty sure my "costume" cost us more than if we'd just bought a bag of Snickers bars when we were at Walmart. But I later realized those jammies were an investment. They got worn all winter long.

Pet Amber Alert

Have you seen me-ow?

In one week I have received three annoying phone calls from the same organization. It's the Pet Amber Alert company.

Yes, I'm learning now that these things exist. So, when my neighbor's pooch runs away, I get an automated phone call telling me that "Rose Smith who lives on Main Street has lost her beagle. He's brown and white and answers to the name 'Tiger'." This message came in while I was away so it went to the answering machine. I swear it was over three minutes long of detailed information regarding helpful tips for the identification and trapping of Tiger so that I could return him to Rose. There were ideas of treats he prefers and how best to approach him. Ack!!

The Mom Who Brought Vagina Cookies for School Snack

Have you ever brought baked treats into your child's classroom? I bet you have. Maybe a cupcake or a cookie. Maybe you're the parent who brings the fruit or veggie tray. Maybe all you could manage were individually wrapped cheese sticks. All fine snacks, right? I bet never once did you think to yourself, "Ooooh, I should bring vagina cookies to my second grader's class today!"

That's because you're not insane.

That's right, here's a story that's going around Reddit that I thought I'd share with you. Some cuckoo lady who loves her lady bits brought a tray of vagina pastries to her second grader's classroom the other day. She plopped her pan of pussies on the teacher's desk and demanded they be handed out and enjoyed to their fullest. She felt like this was a good teaching moment for 7 year olds to learn about the finer nuances of what makes a vagina so special. What better way to do this than through cookies?

I'm Hallmark Approved. Sorta.

OK, so picture this. I'm sitting in my office in my pjs and I get an email saying something like, "Hi Jen, I represent Hallmark and we'd love to work together. Let me know if you're interested." (I mean, obviously, it was a better crafted letter than that, but close enough for blogging, right?)

I finish reading the email and I start looking around for TV cameras, because I'm obviously being punked. Nobody jumped out from behind the door and yelled, "Just kidding!" so I wrote back: "Are you sure you have the right Jen? This is Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Are you sure you're talking about THE Hallmark? The people who make Christmas ornaments and those card commercials that make me cry, right?" 

The World's Saddest Mannequin

If you're friends with me on Facebook, then you probably saw me share this picture the other day.

Image: Reddit

It's the world's saddest mannequin.

At first I thought she was just sad because she'd always dreamed of being a mannequin in Nordstrom and instead she got The Salvation Army.