Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges is COMING!

So, in case you've missed the memo the 1,347 times I've sent it out, let me fill you in: I'VE GOT A BOOK COMING OUT IN SEPTEMBER.

Yeah, no big deal, right?

Are you kidding me?

Every time I think about September 9th, I find myself either laughing like a maniac, rocking in a corner close to tears, or trapped in the bathroom with nervous diarrhea. 

Inside MY Closet

I get this magazine delivered to my house every month.  It's one of those glossy mags that you get for free because you live in the "right" zip code.  There is absolutely no substance to it.  It's full of ads for botox and vein treatments, chic women's clothing, and lists upon lists of restaurants and boutiques in the area that the publisher thinks I make enough money to frequent.

My closet looks just like this.  Only everything is black...and it's messier...and not so organized...or spacious, but otherwise, just like this!

One of the columns in this magazine is an ongoing one where each month they single out some suburban woman and photograph her inside her closet wearing her favorite outfit.

The interview consists of questions like:  What are you wearing? and What do you do during the day?  It is always a hilarious read.

Mom of the Year: Janelle Ambrosia

Sorry fellas, it sounds like Janelle Ambrosia is taken. But the good news is, for a few bucks you can pretend like she's yours while she strips for you. However, I'm guessing she'll only strip for you if you're a white guy and it seems like she has a soft spot for cops.

Do you not know what I'm talking about? Well, watch this video of Janelle unleashing her racist psycho tirade on a black guy at the Dollar Store (sorry, Walmart, you missed out on this gem of a shopper).

The Lady Who Tied Her Baby to Her Wedding Gown

I realize that when you plan your wedding you can do whatever you'd like. You're the boss. It's your big day. Knock yourself out. I've seen brides wear black and grooms wear shorts. I've seen dogs who are best men and/or ring bearers. I've seen brides bow down to their husbands and practically swear fealty to them.

What I have never seen was a baby tied to the train of a bridal gown.

Have you seen this???

So, this lady somehow tied her one month old baby to the train of her wedding gown and then dragged her down the aisle behind her.

Why you ask?

Who the hell knows? It's the craziest thing I've seen at the wedding.

Gwyneth Paltrow is Hurting and It's All My Fault

You guys, I feel really bad today. Apparently, people like me (and you -- I'm not alone here) hurt Gwyneth Paltrow with our mean remarks about her. They're "dehumanizing" and make her feel just like a soldier who has gone through a terrible and bloody war.

In case you don't know what I'm talking about, read this and then you'll be up to speed.

Wow. Right?

I had no idea Gwyneth took the comments of strangers on the internet to such deep levels inside of her.

RT Booklovers Convention 2014

Last week the Hubs and I attended the RT Booklovers Convention in New Orleans. I found this conference last summer when it was in Kansas City. I was able to attend one day and I sat in on several panels that all impressed me. The one that made the biggest impact on me was a group of YA authors that included Veronica Roth, Kami Garcia, and Melissa Marr. I was so impressed because they were so supportive of one other. I was also thrilled, because they were incredibly generous with their writing and publishing and marketing knowledge for the rest of us. I learned so much that day from every session I attended. I decided that no matter where RT went the following year, I'd go and I'd bring the Hubs. The agenda is massive and there are tons of great presentations, so I thought it would be best to divide and conquer.

We spent six days learning from authors, librarians, book sellers, book bloggers, and readers about how to write and market a best selling book. Oh and you get free books. It was like I won the lottery. The Hubs laughed, but I brought an empty suitcase with me just to bring home all of my free books.

My New Cover is Here!!!

You guys! I am grinning from ear to ear like an idiot, because today I get to share something really special with you: the cover for my BRAND NEW BOOK!!!

That's right, mark your calendars, folks, because People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges is coming!

I am so excited for and proud of this book! I've been working on it with my editor at Random House for a year now! It feels like forever, but it's finally here. Yaaaaaaay. This book is a hilarious collection of stories about living with the Hubs, Gomer, and Adolpha in suburbia with overachieving moms, douchey dads, and other annoying types you find in every cul-de-sac of America. 

The book will be available September 9th, but if you think you might be too busy that day to get it, you should go ahead and pre-order it now. Then you can just mark that off your to-do list.