Dinovember: Stop the Madness

First came the overachieving mommies and their Elves on Shelves. They hung them from ceiling fans and made them "eat" copious amounts of sugar. Then they got a little naughty. They made flour angels and teepee'd Christmas trees.

Well, move over Elf, there's a new little (even more) destructive bastard on the block: Dinovember.

Have you heard about Dinovember yet? A mom and dad started this new trend a couple of years ago, but it caught on like wild fire this year. Every night in November while their daughters sleep, the parents stage elaborate scenes with the kids' dinosaurs.

They then, of course, photograph their magic and upload it for friends and family to see. Sure, the kids love it and appreciate it and think it's amazing, but you've got to share it with your social media. Why go to all that work if no one is going to give you a virtual atta boy?

Chippy is Sorry That You Made Him Sad

OK, remember last week when I wrote about Lululemon's founder telling the world that there's nothing wrong with his yoga pants, rather it's your ass and thighs that are the problem?

Well, he apologized.

Only, it's one of the worst apologies ever given. This guy - Chippy, as I like to call him - took his apology to the Fuck You Level.

Lululemon's Yoga Pants Aren't the Problem - You Are

I swear, I can't turn on the news without hearing about yet another company with some d-bag at the top sticking his foot in his mouth. Don't these guys have PR firms that can handle this stuff? Do you think they know the cameras are on when they start talking or do they think they're just hanging out with their douchey buddies?

A few months ago it was Abercrombie & Fitch's CEO telling people they were too fat and ugly to shop at their stores. This week it is Lululemon's co-founder blaming an obvious defect with their product on women's fat asses and thighs and "over-zealous wearage." (I just made up that term, but I think if you read further, you will see that it fits and I'm betting it will be on a Lululemon CYA/disclaimer tag very soon.)

The Lady Who Says, "No Candy for You, Fatso!"

It's time for Halloween. Do you have all of your little pirates and princesses ready to go? Did you get your Sexy Angry Bird costume out of the back of the closet and dust it off for another year?

I love Halloween. I love the spooky movies on television. I love the crisp, fall weather. I love getting all dressed up.

I'm a dead bride - just not a sexy dead bride. I have my limits.

Maria Kang

Surely, by now you know who Maria Kang is: perky mother of three kids (in three years) and owner of a very small pair of booty shorts.

Maria took a picture of herself in her booty shorts with her little boys in the foreground and put the caption "What's your excuse?" (and her website) across the top.

Top 10 Ways Members of Congress are Like Toddlers

Top 10 Ways Members of Congress are Like Toddlers

1. They love the sound of their own voice, and they think everyone else does too.

2. They try to manipulate us with tears.

Turn off the waterworks, no one's buying it.

Douchebag Teenagers and Their Parents

What would you do if your kid was a teenager who broke into an empty and beautiful home and partied like a rockstar and trashed the house? What would you do if your precious snowflake posted fucked up selfies on Twitter of his hard abs in the master bathroom mirror or asinine duckface slash cleavage shots around the keg in the living room? What would you do if the owner of the house came home to find his house destroyed by your brat? Would you punish your kid?

Of course not! That's just crazy! You would, of course, sue the homeowner for publicly shaming your piece of shit offspring.

I wish I was making this up. But, of course, I am not.

So there is an ex-NFL football player named Brian Holloway who owns a vacation home in upstate New York. Three hundred asshole teenagers broke into his house and wrecked it. I don't mean they spilled a little beer on his couch. I mean this house should probably be burned down because it's so messed up. People peed on his carpets. (People. Not animals who didn't know better. People. Human beings pulled down their pants and peed in the hallway.) People used markers and paint to write their names all over the walls, ceilings, etc. People broke windows and doors. And, oh yeah, they spilled some beer too. The owner is estimating $20,000 worth of damage, but after seeing the pictures, I think he's a little low.

While they were shitting in the bedroom and probably watching some girl get raped in the laundry room, they were also tweeting and Instagramming and whatever the fuck kids do these days to spread the word around the 'net that this party was "live" and everybody and their douchebag boyfriend should come.

No one said these kids were smart.

So, Brian Holloway scoured the Twitterverse and found all of these little shits and posted their selfies and their tweets on his website. He also encouraged them to come and help him clean his house because he was hosting a benefit for soldiers later that week. Instead of coming to help him, the parents started threatening him for posting their kids' tweets and photos on his website. (You should read the tweets, they are ridiculous.)

So let me get this straight. Adolpha and Gomer break into a house with 298 of their closest friends. They break everything they can, Adolpha takes a shit on the living room carpet while Gomer pukes his guts in the kitchen. They write MY PARENTS SUCK or whatever on the walls, all while photographing themselves doing these horrendous things and encouraging more shitheads to come and bring their own Sharpies and sharing it all on their social network. Then the cops come and they bolt and get away without me knowing. Then it's brought to my attention that my children's images and tweets are on a website showcasing their behavior and instead of punishing my kids or try to make amends, I call my attorney?

Because that's good parenting.

What the fuck?! No wonder these people's kids are such fucking assholes. THEY'RE assholes. Of course they raised assholes.

I don't even have to know these people to know they're the worst kind of people. I've read their spawn's tweets and their kids are fucking wastes of space. A bunch of bored middle class kids trying to be gansta with their douchebag Justin Bieber wardrobes and their Miley Cyrus-inspired tongues sticking out in every picture. These are the kind of kids I fucking hate. They make me want to smack their stupid vapid expressions off each of their fucking faces.

Holloway should be suing these kids for breaking and entering and trespassing and destroying his property. Not the other way around. And the parents should be responsible, because these kids are minors and they raised these assholes. Don't the parents have any sort of responsibility for this? Where do these parents get off thinking that he's in the wrong? What the hell? What sort of entitled brats are they raising? What message is being sent to these kids? Don't worry, Mommy and Daddy will sue the big bad man who is bullying you.

I don't know, but in my house if my kids are caught breaking and entering, trespassing, and vandalizing someone's house, the shit will hit the fan. Juvenile detention will be my first call, not my attorney's office.