With Neighbors Like This, Who Needs Enemies

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed this weekend and I saw a very upsetting status update from my friend Molly at A Day in Mollywood.

Molly came home last week to find this note on her door:

Source: Instagram
It says:


First of all, I have no idea what Molly's lawn looks like, but in my lifetime of having neighbors, I have listened to enough of them bitch about lawns, to guess that Molly's grass is probably a bit shaggy with a few weeds and/or dandelions sticking up in the bushes. I guarantee you that's as "bad" as her lawn is.

I am positive that her lawn is NOT three feet high with a broken dishwasher thrown in there.

I can only imagine how much time this person had on his or her hands to sit down and craft this fine note. Maybe enough time to knock on Molly's door and say something like, "Hi. How are you? I know you've got three little kids and you and your husband have busy jobs, but I noticed that your yard needed some attention. I'm not doing anything right now and I was wondering if I could help you out? Where do you keep your mower?"

Why would her neighbor EVER do that? THAT is crazy talk! That is not neighborly behavior. Instead, neighborly behavior is calling sixteen other busybodies on the street and sniping about how "atrocious" Molly's lawn is looking and lamenting over "What are we going to do?" before one ballsy bitch announces, "I got this." It goes down this way because no one really wants to know WHY your yard is overgrown or if they can help you out. They just want to take time out of their busy day of driving by your blight of a yard to write you a bitchy anonymous note that tells you how much you suck.

My yard is not in perfect shape and no one has ever left a note like this on my door. I think if they did, I would probably go door to door asking for a handwriting analysis and then once I found the culprit, I'd buy a dog just so I could train it to shit in that person's yard.

Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if someone left a note like this. Probably cry a little first and then get rage-y, because that note is bullshit. How passive aggressive and shitty must you be that you resort to anonymous letters?

Notes like these infuriate me, because people are total assholes.

Especially around here. I'm not surprised at all that this happened. Several years ago I served on the board of the neighborhood we were living in then and we received a complaint from a woman who was irritated because the neighbor across the street had a teenage son who drove an older model car that leaked oil on the street. Not only was the oil disturbing her, just the sight of this "beater" made her sick to her stomach. She would have never bought her house if she'd known she was going to have to look at this car every night. I explained that this was the teenager's car and it was gone all day while he was at school and most evenings and weekends when he was working. His parents had made him buy a car that he could afford and this was what he bought. I asked her if she had children old enough to drive. She did not. I asked her what sort of car she thought her snowflakes might drive someday. "Not a piece of shit," was her response. That's when I suggested she should start a new car fund for this young man. I was certain he would greatly appreciate whatever deluxe vehicle she could deign to look at for two hours every evening. She sputtered and groped for words before she finally hang up the phone on me. Now that I think about it, it's been years since that happened. I'm sure her little pumpkins are driving these days. I should go and visit the old neighborhood and see if I can find the gorgeous cars her children are tooling around in.

People who leave notes like these always focus on the wrong problem.

Syrian refugees? Who cares, not my problem.

Donald Trump might actually be on the ballot? So what?

Global warming? I'll believe it when I have waterfront property in Kansas.

Molly's yard needs trimming? OH MY GOD. WHAT THE HELL? I have to look at this eyesore every single day and twice on Saturdays when I'm taking Bellamy and Oakley to their soccer games. Something needs to be done IMMEDIATELY about this grass. I'm going to cut my trip to Target short this morning, so I can leave them a note letting her know to take some damn pride in her lawn. That's not shaming them at all. It's constructive criticism. They need to know what I think of their yard, and thus THEM! Don't worry, it will be harsh at first, but then I'll make it friendly at the end. I'll put a smiley face on there.

Guess what? You think that if you add a smiley face, the "Fuck You" is silent.

But it's not.

See what I mean?

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Unknown said...

I imagine (and this is just a guess) that you could narrow down who wrote the note by checking to see which house on the street is for sale. It's hard to believe that anyone would make the effort to write that note if they didn't have property value on the line in the immediate future.

Unknown said...

Seriously? I hate the damn grass police. In the town I live in they go around and take pictures of your yard and then send you a certified letter that you have to go to the damn post office to get and sign for telling you and showing you your dandelions in your yard. I like dandelions. I called them up and asked them WTF and why didn't they knock on my door to see why my grass was a tad high. I could have a death,sickness, or something else that is more important than cutting my grass. The grass police person on the other line said the last person who he came to the door about the grass he was met with a shotgun! I said well... Thinking good for them!

spymay said...

I would read the note, laugh, and then go buy the biggest, tackiest metal sculptures for my yard.I'm thinking a bunch of lions-then I would definitely have a pride in my yard.Game on yard police.

Jessica, Science of Parenthood said...

Seriously, who gives a fuck about the grass?!? Perhaps Molly should just pave over it. Problem solved. -- Norine

Oona Johnson said...

I think Molly needs Beyonce front and center in her yard.


CS House said...

Hey, yeah, sure. I'll show a little of that yardpride thing when you show a little more of the punctuationpride thing. Your note is the first freaking one everybody sees when they walk through my door, you stellar product of the public school system, so let's say you go set your sights on learning the difference between a comma and a semicolon and between an exclamation mark and a question mark. Then we can exchange stories about our respective journeys to prideful and neighborly living.

RainbowChazer's Reviews said...

Every neighborhood has one. Ours lives next door and this year I was smart enough to ask him for help with our front patch as I am a useless gardener. Our front never looked so good! Now all I have to do is tame the back. Sunday looks like a good day and the garden waste bin is empty.

jtaggart8330 said...

Ha! I recently had this happen on the NextDoor Neighbor social site for my neighborhood. The "neighborly neighbor" had started a flaming thread (I think it's called "campaigning") and all the other smug self-righteous sonsabitches got going congratulating themselves on how wonderful their homes were and in the next sentence axed their neighbors lack of home pride and in the next sentence whined how their hard work was demoralized by the horror of yellow lawns around the 'hood. So I responded, "Hey, we're in a fucking drought you asshats!" No, not really, I didn't say that, but I sure as hell put them in their place. The whole tone of the thread then changed, it became, well, neighborly. And I got 23 "likes" which probably toasted the flamers marshmallows - ha! Everyone's priorities of money, time, and energy are different than the James' right? And maybe some of us can only afford enough water to take care of our families, not our lawn.

jtaggart8330 said...

Oops, I mean keep up with the Jones'. :)

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