The Verruckt

UPDATE 8/8/16: I wrote this post two years ago and I joked around about how dangerous this thing looked. Well, unfortunately, this weekend it happened. Caleb Schwab, a 10-year-old boy, was killed on this slide. No one has said yet what happened exactly, but clearly something went wrong and he was killed. I can't imagine the pain and loss this family must be feeling and I find myself thinking of them a lot lately. Everyone I know joked around about this slide being insane and sadly it lived up to its name. I hope they tear this thing down. I really do. Caleb Schwab was the son of a Kansas lawmaker and he was at the park that day for Elected Officials Day. Apparently, one of the reasons this slide was built in Kansas was due to our lax laws regarding height requirements for this sort of ride. I've also read that our inspection procedures are not as strong as other states. While I feel awful for Caleb's family, I'm hoping that something good might come from his loss. Maybe now Rep. Scott Schwab will work tirelessly to make laws that will protect the children of Kansas in Caleb's memory.

As you know, I live in Kansas and we don't usually have much to brag about. We've got Dorothy and Toto and that's about it. However, over the last year or so we've been all aflutter about the fact that Schlitterbahn is building the world's tallest waterslide here: the Verruckt.

Photo: MidwestIinfoGuide

It isn't close to my house, but I have seen it a few times. Over the last year I've watched the structure go higher and higher up in the sky. We'd drive by and my kids would ooh and ahh and beg to ride down that slide at some point this summer. I'd try not to throw up looking at the sheer drop off.

The thing is a monstrosity. Its fancy German name supposedly translates into "Insane." I'm thinking it really translates into "Oh Hell No, Over My Dead Body is a Child of Mine Getting on That Slide of Death!" The slide is taller than Niagara Falls. It's taller than the Statue of Liberty. Not only is it a straight drop to a probable death, there is hump at the end. A HUMP!!!

Look, I'm not a physicist, however, I have eyes. I can see that when you drop 17 stories at 60 to 70 miles per hour and then you go up a HILL, you will probably fly off of that shit.

Well, guess what happened recently? The slide was supposed to open this weekend and after they sent down some test riders, they decided they needed to postpone the grand opening, because the test riders went airborne. Mother effing AIRBORNE!!!

All I can say is: "Duh."

Did anyone at Schlitterbahn question the designers at all? Did they ever say, "Umm...hey guys, this looks sick. And I mean that in the most amazing way. But...have you thought about what happens at the end? There's a pretty decent hill there and when you're cruising at say 70 miles per hour in a raft, it might be a bit...um bumpy...dontcha think?"

I imagine if anyone did say this, the designers would have turned their cold eyes on the executive and said, "It's called Insane, not Pansy Baby Slide. Obviously you only have enough balls for the lazy river."

In case you want to lose your lunch, go ahead and watch this video and get a close up look at Verruckt.

Hopefully it was obvious that this was NOT a sponsored post. Schlitterbahn could offer me and my family full season passes and I still won't allow anyone related to me on the Verruckt -- that includes you too, Hubs.

UPDATE: It's open, but I will still not go because I like my lunch to stay in my stomach.


Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Subscribe via E-mail.