The PIWTPITT Review of "Magic Mike XXL"

DISCLAIMER: I don't think there are any spoilers in here, but I can't be certain. It's no secret what this movie is about. There are no huge plot twists that will shock you if I accidentally reveal them to you. However, if you haven't seen "Magic Mike XXL" and you suspect this might ruin it for you, then DON'T READ.


Last year, my friend Sandy and I went to see the first "Magic Mike" movie. We shared the theater with a bunch of over-dressed, under-sexed cougars. At the end of the movie we decided that there was way too much talkie-talkie and not enough strippy-strippy. So, when I heard that "Magic Mike XXL" was coming and I was promised that there would a lot less chattering and a lot more rump-shaking, I called up Sandy and said, "We've got to go!" I also roped my friend, Teri, into coming with us. She'd been invited for the first go-round, but she couldn't come and she ended up watching "Magic Mike" on her television at home. So not the way that movie is meant to be enjoyed. Unless you can see every ripple on Joe Manganiello's abs up close on a the big screen, it's like he worked out for nothing. We OWE it to Joe to see his abs up close.
The boys are back and they're more talkative than ever!!
This time we were prepared though. The first time we were a little taken aback by all the giggling and hollering. This time we decided we'd join in the fun.


We met beforehand so we could have a cocktail. We're not so low-brow that we'd sneak booze into the theater, plus I didn't bring my big hobo bag that night, so I didn't have room for hootch if I wanted it.

We reminisced about the first movie and how we hoped that with Mike's BFF Dallas out of the picture maybe there would be a lot less hair-braiding this time.

Finally it was time to head over to the theater.

We arrived, ready to throw elbows and squeeze our way into prime viewing seats. Instead we found a completely empty theater.

"Well, this could be really fun or really awkward," I said. "I might get up and dance if it's just the three of us."

Never fear, though, it wasn't that no one wanted to see "Magic Mike XXL," it's that no one wanted to be SEEN seeing "MMXXL." As soon as the lights dimmed and the previews began, around 50,000 women slipped into the theater and found seats. Including a group of young teenage girls chaperoned by a mother.

Let me just stop right here. I try not to judge other people's parenting. Haha. I'm sorry, I just choked on my tea after I wrote that. Of course I judge other people's parenting and this woman was going to get some.

Sandy, Teri, and I are all mothers of daughters. Between the three of us, we are raising five girls. We all gave one another the side-eye when we saw the teenagers flop down in front of us. I knew what we were all thinking: "I would NEVER bring my precious virginal daughters to this dirty, dirty, dirty movie."

"Maybe they're not as young as they look," I whispered to Teri.

That's when one leaned over to the adult chaperone and said, "Mom, can we get some money for popcorn."

Yeeeeaaaah, if you're still at the age where Mommy buys your popcorn, this isn't a movie for you.

Now, there's no sex or even real nudity in this film (SOB!) but there is A LOT of aggressive sexual simulation. I am 43 years old and I can't imagine sitting next to my mom watching Channing Tatum gyrate in a sequined thong with his face in some random woman's crotch. Can you imagine doing it at fifteen??? I just don't think this is the movie I'd bring a bunch of teenage girls to. I don't want to go off on a tangent here on a whole other rant about teenage girls and how they are bombarded constantly with sexually-explicit ads and inappropriate clothing and blah blah blah. I'll just leave it with, "I would NEVER bring a teenage Adolpha to see that movie."

"You'd better rein it, Jen," Sandy whispered to me, motioning to the teens.

"Aw, fuck that," I said loudly. "I didn't bring them, that mother did and if I say something that shocks them, that's on her."

About that time the previews started.

First they ran an advertisement for an app called RunPee.com. Yeah, this is an app that tells you were the boring parts of a movie are and when it's a good time to run to the bathroom and not miss much. Come on, people. We don't need an app to tell us when to pee. It did give me a good idea though. I think I'm just going to start selling colostomy bags at the door. Then you don't miss anything.

"Are they running this ad in the Avengers movie?" Teri asked, as the cartoon woman on the screen clutched and grabbed and crossed until it was a boring part of the film she was watching and she could thankfully run to the ladies' room and empty her bulging bladder.

"Ha! Right? Doubtful."

Finally the previews started. Now. I'd just like to say something about the previews. The previews are usually picked to cater to the audience that is going to watch the movie, right? For instance, you'd never see a preview for the new Nicholas Sparks movie before you watch "Terminator Genysis."

So, imagine our surprise when they showed us a preview for the horror movie, "The Gallows." WTF was that? A bunch of dark, shaky, closeups of people crying and snotting on the camera. I think someone already made that movie. It was called "The Blair Witch Project." Maybe more teenage girls see MMXXL than I thought??

They proceeded to show us four more previews that were all too long and boring.

I was starting to get antsy.

"Let's go already," I sighed. "Start the show."

FINALLY. The movie started. You might remember that the first "Magic Mike" opened with Matthew McConaughey looking ridiculous and delicious all at once working a roomful of ladies into a wild sexually super-charged frenzy. That was a good start, right?

"Magic Mike XXL" has promised to be bigger and better, so I was waiting for a fabulous open.

We open on a beach ...

OK, not quite what I was anticipating, but beaches are good. Especially if it's a nude beach and the boys are all having a beach party or something.

And then we see Channing ...

OK, makes sense, he's the star.

Fully clothed and contemplating his fucking life on the beach.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Not again. I can't do this again. I can't sit for two hours and watch Mike and the gang wax poetic on their lives and their dreams and their fucking bromance with a few half nude thrusts in between.

And yet, I did.

Basically, Mike's in a real good place, y'all. He's working hard and he's made a name for himself and he carries furniture around a lot with his shirt still on. He welds things and I think that's supposed to be sexy, but it looks kind of dangerous. But then he realizes he misses dancing and then he does this solo bit in his shop that reminds me of a combo of "Singing in the Rain" and "Footloose."

Yawn.

Bring. The. Meat.

Finally, Mike hooks up with the gang and they're all older and they want to do one last hurrah. The Big Show. The Last Dance. The Final Countdown. Whatever the hell you want to call it.

It's far away though and they have to drive a food truck to get there. So they hit the road and they have nothing to do but talk. So. Fucking. Much. They talk about hurt feelings and petty jealousies and dreams and futures that might be and settling down with wives and kids.

Where is that pee app? I'm guessing HALF of this movie is a good time to pee.

I digress.

They meet drag queens and hot chicks along the way and they flirt awkwardly (SO AWKWARDLY, like with no chemistry at all) about stupid shit like cake and cookies, I think. I'm not sure what that particular conversation was about, except that it was kind of relevant to the end, but I know it didn't need to be ten minutes long and honestly, it didn't matter.

Silly and impossible things happen (because deep down this is really a buddy flick).

They meet up with Jada Pinkett Smith who owns some kind of Super Secret Pleasure Dome. That part was pretty hot, but then they ruined it with all the fucking chit chat.

"Where you been?"
"Oh. OK. We're going to do this now?"
"It's been so long since you left me."
"Are you kidding me right now?" (Honestly, I think Channing Tatum said this phrase 50 times in this movie.)
"I didn't leave you, you left me."
"Yeah, well, that's not how I remember it."

God, it's like a Jane Austen book!!!! So many misunderstandings.

I dozed off, I think, and they finally got to the convention and they were ready to BRING IT.

That's when the movie turned into Magic Mike Does Pinterest. There was fucking glitter, people! They started sewing their own costumes and designing props for a show to end all shows that would let the world see what they were really like. They've grown, you guys. They're not just stud muffins in Navy uniforms or cowboy chaps anymore. They're so much more than six packs and glutes of steel. They're people with real interests and they're going to show you their interests through ... interpretive sexy dance??

And they did and the world rejoiced and then the movie ended. And as the screen faded to black, the woman behind me voiced what we were all thinking: "THAT'S IT?"

Yes, that's it, folks.

I will say there are two very memorable parts to this movie that made all of the mindless chatter worth it.

First, Michael Strahan of "Kelly and Michael" and "Good Morning America" fame has a cameo. He's part of Jada's Bad Ass Pleasure Crew. Holy fucking shit. I don't think I can ever watch GMA again without blushing. The things he did ... the way his body ... He ... strong ... amazeballs ... I ... speechless. Just WOW. The next movie should just be Magic Mike Strahan.



Second was Joe Manganiello. I barely remember him from the first movie, but this time? He's hot AND he's funny. He does things to a mini-mart that made me desire him, Cheetos, and bottled water. (Side note: I kept wondering how the producers pitched Pepsi to have easily one of the best product placements in the movie. "So, Joe will be doing this one-man sensual dance in the middle of the mini-mart involving snacks foods and drinks. There will be a money shot and everyone will see your logo prominently displayed behind him. We're giving you first shot at it, but you've got one hour to respond before we hit up Coke.")


And his final performance could teach E.L. James a thing or two about the Red Room of Pain. I've decided that Sofia Vergara just might be the luckiest woman in the world.

So, I give this movie 3.5 peens out of 5. We all know, "Magic Mike III" is in the works somewhere and it is my greatest hope that the writers are reading this and will take some pointers: No one cares if these guys have feelings. No one gives a shit how much they admire one another's accomplishments off-stage. No one wants to watch Channing Tatum awkwardly flirt with girls anymore or dance with blow torches. Stop trying to give these movies a plot. As Jada so eloquently put it, "It's not bro-time, it's showtime!" Here's what I want: I want two full hours of Jada's Pleasure Dome. And it's time for male nudity. The women have been doing it for ages. It's time to release the schlong. Let's start with Joe Manganiello's.

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