Craziest Baby Names of 2014 Are Crazier Than Usual

What did you call me?
I've been ranting -- I mean writing -- about the same things for years and one of the recurring topics that I can't quit is baby names. I think many of you know this by now, because many, many, many of you sent me the same article over the last few days.

It's the 12 Craziest New Baby Names from 2014.

These are the whackadoodle names that whackadoodle parents invented for their babies.

For instance, there were 11 boys named Million this year and one named Amillion. I'm going to go ahead and say that 2015 will be the year of Gazillion and Shittonofmoney.


Dagger and Renegade were new "violent bad boy" names that were coined this year. Who looks at their baby and thinks, "I want his name to sound like the con artist who duped all of the old ladies out of their retirement money, beat up the mayor of Port Charles, and slept with all the hot nurses on 'General Hospital'?" Why does anyone want to give their baby a bad boy name? If this trend is going to continue, then I would like to submit a few names for consideration: Axe, Machete, Projectile, and, of course, Punch.

Another name that emerged this year was Lay. As in "Lay down, Lay." This just seems like a lazy name to me. It's like someone was tired of all the effort it took to say Leigh. When you say, "Leigh" you have to use muscles to move your mouth, but if you want to say "Lay" you let that jaw go slack and basically exhale hard. Next year the name will simply be "La."

Place names are still hot. At this point we all know a London or a Cheyenne or a Paris. Those place names are becoming far too common and so the overachievers had to jazz them up and make them special like their snowflake by adding y's and i's where they don't belong. London is now Londynne. And a few new ones are popping up like Sicilee and my all-time favorite: Jerzei. That one made this Jersey Girl snort tea out of her nose.

The willy-nilly y's continued with Payzley, Ezmay, and Payshance (this one caused the award I received in fourth grade for Top Speller to spontaneously burst into flames from the madness of this butchering).

If you can't buy a y, try some e's. Like Royaltee and Huntlee.

This is getting sillee, don't you think?

I understand the need to have a unique name for your child. Believe me, I do. My name is Jen, for goodness sake. I had the most popular name for 20 years or something insane. I've never been the only Jen, Jennifer, Jenny, or Jenni in my classroom. Since I was five years old, I've been called JenMann like it's all one word, because it was the only way to distinguish me from JennyB, JennyJohnson, and JenniferKing. Now the Jennifers are growing up and saying, "HELL NO will my kid be one of many. She will be a unique and precious child ... hey... Youneek would be a great name for her! Or Preshys. I loooooove Preshys. Hey Michael! I just thought of the perfect name for our baby!!!" And that's how the madness begins.

It will come full circle and some day my great-great-granddaughter, Hashtag Blessed, will stumble upon my writings and she'll be inspired to name her daughter the old-timey name Jennifer. I just hope she doesn't get creative and spell it Jennyfur.

Do you have something to say about how horrible my kids' names Gomer and Adolpha are? STOP right there and read this first. 

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7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Or, it's not "Jason"; it's "Jay-SOHN"!

Unknown said...

I have a weird name so I went the opposite route, naming my kids perfectly normal, easy to spell and easy to pronounce names so they wouldn't spend the rest of their lives explaining their name to everyone they meet.

Unknown said...

I actually know someone name Younique. Her twin is Shenique, and instead of going to the obvious "Monique," their mother said..."Younique."

And seriously--Patience isn't a unique enough name that they have to add crazy letters to it? Really?

Interestingly, I was almost named "Patience," which would have been hell while in school, but I think it'd be such an awesome name now. My mother just didn't want people calling me "Patty."

Unknown said...

There were two girls in my sons class named Rhealitee (reality) also La-a (LaDasha)

Tiffany said...

Just this morning I was reading the birth announcements in my local paper. Spensyr and Mersadies were listed for girls. As if Mercedes wasn't bad enough her parents had to really mess her up...poor girl :(

Messiah King Solomon was listed for a boy.

I live in Vermont. We usually have normal names here.

Oona Johnson said...

The first boy I ever lived with went on to name his son Lothario. They took his baby pictures on one of those classy woolen throws with the huge tiger head on it. They're apparently very classy parents.

Bridget said...

I know someone who named their kid Majestic Lay.

I wish I was kidding.

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