Lululemon Won't Crush Your Man's Balls

"My balls are too big for these pants. I wish there was a solution."

Let me just file story this under, HUGE ASS SIGH.

Men make fun of women and the purchases we make to help us fight wrinkles, fat, and errant chin hairs. But, you know what? Sometimes men are just as stupid as we are. It might be vanity that keeps us buying more creams and Spanx. We're motivated to make our asses bigger or smaller, our necks firmer, our hair silkier. Our handwriting neater?? Those poor companies that cater to us women and our low self esteem have obviously had enough, because with men, you just need to focus on one little -- excuse me, I mean a HUGE -- part of their body and they will freak the fuck out.

That area is their crotch, of course. There is nothing that will motivate a man more than telling him he has a puny prick.

This thought has kept companies like Trojan in the business of selling MAGNUM size condoms. I just went to their website and I saw that they don't even have a category for "Small." You must choose from "All Fits," "Regular," "Large," and "Extra Large." Oh for goodness sake! If I were in charge, I'd do it the Starbucks way and call their sizes "Harmonica," "Piccolo," "Recorder," "Clarinet," and "Bassoon." Men know nothing of musical instruments, very few of them have any idea if a piccolo is bigger than a clarinet. All they would care about is the fact that these are all instruments women play with their pretty mouths. Mmmmm.

Ahhh, men. They'll buy anything that assures them that their manhood is a bulging, straining, beast of burden that they must lug around all day long.

That's why they're snapping up $128 pants from Lululemon that promise not to crush their enormo nads.


Yeah, apparently this is a real problem. Men's balls are being crushed by plain old Dockers and Levi's, so they're taking care of the family jewels and putting them in a specially designed pair pants with a patented four way stretch crotch (so there is plenty of room for those Herculean huevos) and moisture-wicking technology (you're welcome, ladies, because no one wants to get her face near a sweaty sack). These pants can take men from the board room to the weight room to the bedroom. I don't think so, fellas. I saw these pants. Between the seam behind the knee and the Lululemon branding in plain site, no one is fooled by your "business casual" yoga pants.

The best thing about these pants is the name. They're called ABC Pants. That's short for Anti Ball Crusher Pants. The name is genius. I'll give Lululemon that.

(I wish they'd come up with some lady yoga pants that are called the ASS [Anti Snatch Squeezer] Pants, because their yoga pants really can suck the life out of your precious flower, especially if you're trying to pour your size 14 ass into a pair of "XL.")

I was reading the reviews online for the ABC pants and I noticed something odd. Even though these pants were created and designed specifically not to destroy a man's dangly bits, men reported having trouble with how tight the pants were and so they are buying a size larger than they normally wear.

Wait. What?

These $128 pants that are supposed to have breathing room for the above-average Johnson still isn't getting the job done and so these guys are being forced to buy a larger pair of pants? Oh Lord, Lululemon. Will your evil geniusness never end? You're telling men that these pants are extra large to accommodate men's ridiculously large nuts, and THEN you secretly make them tight so that every guy has to buy up a size, because his super ridick dick can't fit?? Masterminds!!

I was telling the Hubs about these pants and of course, he too suffers from tight crotch and he was wondering if this might be the answer to his prayers. Lucky for him, I was just at WalMart yesterday and I saw their version of the ABC pants. They come in a multitude of pleasing and attractive colors. They're roomy enough for any man suffering from dragging around testes the size of actual stones. They've got multi-way stretch so that no one needs to buy a size larger. And they're only six bucks. I'm not sure they're as versatile as ABC pants though. They will definitely take a man from weight room to bedroom, but the boardroom could be a problem. Maybe with the right blazer, no one will notice that they're Fruit of the Loom sweatpants.


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3 comments:

julie said...

Hilarious.....as always!

Azaliah Yadinah said...

Duluth Trading Company has been selling Ballroom Jeans for years. They're like forty bucks. They also sell Firehose pants, but those aren't named after the metaphorical firehose. They're made from the same material as firehoses. I bet your husband could pick up a pair of comfy jeans from there without the $128 price tag.

Sue said...

Okay, I just looked at the comments on the page with the product description. Found this in the very first customer comment:

"The 34" is completely different. The legs felt bigger, the yolk is seemingly double in size-- it was disappointing, and also, too big."

The "yolk"??? Are they smuggling eggs in there with the sausage?

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