People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Are You a Suburban Mom?

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Are You a Suburban Mom?


You might be a suburban mom if ... 

Your full-time job is unpaid volunteer at your children's school.

You've taken a crossfit, barre, hot yoga, pole dancing, kettlebell, or aqua zumba class.

You've ever adopted a vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, or paleo diet -- and it had nothing to do with allergies.

The people who work at the checkout at Target know your cycle.

You think yoga pants can be worn anywhere -- including formal events.

You pay hundreds of dollars a week to attend music, art, and gym classes to "socialize" your newborn baby.

You have a chandelier in your laundry room.

You have a home-based sales business where you sell makeup, cooking utensils, pre-packaged food, sex toys, or handbags out of the trunk of your minivan.


You go to the gym and put your kid in the childcare while you drink coffee and check your email in the cafe.

You ever used a Groupon for vagazzling, eyelash extensions, or Botox.

Your eight-year-old is a "competitive" athlete.

You buy wine and organic produce in bulk.

You have a blog.

OK, what did I miss? Let me know.

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36 comments:

Opticynicism said...

Hilarious! Punctuating it with "You have a blog" caught me off guard and now I have to clean coffee off of my computer monitor.

Well played!

Holly @ Everydays a Hollyday said...

funny and true.

your mom said...

You drive your kids the less than a mile to school, and wait in the 30 min drop off line, in perfect weather...maybe that's just a so cal thing. .. ;)

Throat Punch said...

Oh my god, yes!!!!! We do that here in Kansas too.

monica mckenna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gillian Ziegler said...

Ha ha- My husband and I just commented on this! They will even get there 30 min. before drop off and just sit there so they are first in line! We are in IL.

KCmomof2 said...

You have a formal dining room decorated to the "Pinterest 9's" but all you meals are eaten at the breakfast bar or in a car driving to scouts, music lesson, sports practice, etc!

ana maria hobrough said...

Sheltering suburban mom!

http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/best-of-the-sheltering-suburban-mom-meme

banana paws said...

you've ever had/thought about having a potty party or any other party to celebrate trivial mile stones in your child's life.

Rebel Mony said...

Busted!
Oh, and discussed every phase your kid is going through even though it's not unique or interesting to anyone else. Guilty!

starkween said...

hmmm, I think I fall under red neck mom not living in a mobile home park. I used to. (queue "Moving On Up")

Amara said...

You own a 7+ person car but ride with others on group trips because you don't want to struggle with the car seats.

Karen said...

...if you don't understand why people want to punch you in the throat for doing all these things!

Kristine Laco said...

You can't wear your yoga pants everywhere? You are joking right?

Amara said...

You ride in the backseat with your baby while your husband drives.

Amara said...

You use car magnets to prove to other drivers how much more awesome/busy/stressed you are with sports, church, vacation spots, schools, and clubs.

Amara said...

You consider a cell call from someone on a committee you chair a reasonable emergency/excuse to interupt a conversation over coffee with a friend.

Amara said...

You or any home within three houses from yours fills their recycle bin weekly with wine bottles.

Mkc L said...

Haha YES

Kelly Banks said...

Lmfao!

Kim Bongiorno at Let Me Start By Saying said...

"Target knows your cycle" = me LMAO

Carrie Baird said...

You drive your kid to the bus stop that is only 5 houses away from your house...

Gena Yosh said...

OMG My son is 17 years old now and I was guilty riding with my "baby" who was actually 3 or 4. LOL

deploymentdiatribes said...

* you are in at least one book club in which the book is the topic of discussion for less than 10 minutes and your kids and other moms for the rest.

RachRiot said...

You're in the process of getting a tramp stamp removed. "Just 6 more treatments and my 'dat ass' tattoo is practically invisible!"

JuniperSunshine said...

I know right? I'm like, "Hey, at least it's not pajamas!"

Alex Crowley said...

You changed the saying to, "it's 2:30 somewhere" and think that's an acceptable time to start drinking wine, especially if there's a storm...or it's dark out early...or...yeah...always.

www.crybabysoup.org

Frugalista Blog said...

Shit! I'm all of these! Wait. Nope. I don't have a chandelier in my laundry room or a home run shopping business.

Josi Denise said...

Hahaha "you have a blog"

Andrea said...

Yes, this. So very much.

Lori Lovstad said...

So true, lol. But I don't sell jewelry or purses from my car, I sell wine. Winning!

Angenette said...

Your preferred hairstyle is "ponytail" to the point that if someone sees you with your hair down, they don't recognize you.

Angenette said...

Ok, those are pretty friggin funny.

Angenette said...

Potty parties are REAL! That ish is not trivial! haha!

JJ said...

Have ever filled a prescription for Prozac for your dog.

RozWarren said...

This piece is HILARIOUS... and the comments are also a hoot. (My favorite? Puppy Prozac.)